Gratitudes for Today

I'm realizing more and more each day that I have less and less to say. This is ironic because my life is actually fuller than it's been in a while. Maybe I will go back to blog topics as I had when I created this space... have a topic of the day or the week and go from there. Today, I just needed to make a gratitude list. I am feeling a bit sad that I am not with my ladybug family for Girlstock in Atlanta. It's a conference started by my grand and I really wanted to be there for the first one. However, Atlanta is no longer just a skip away. It's a full 2,477 miles away. And I have work. A lot of work. Neverending evaluation plans to tweak, site visits that require my preparation, a woman's wellness conference tomorrow (not required by work, but something I am treating myself to), and then a commitment to myself on Sunday... I am opening my home for the first Southern Sunday... This will be a monthly event held on the rooftop of my apartment complex (Thanks mama for starting this for us!) So yes, I could have gone to Atlanta, but I would be behind in work, miss the wellness conference, postpone Southern Sunday, etc. Besides, I have to go to that coast in about 10 days for a conference in DC anyway. When I accept the fact that I can't just zoom back and forth between coasts, I will be a lot happier. Until then, I will continually feel like I am missing pieces of me. I chose to live here. Rather, it chose me, but I accepted this reality. I love this reality. I am grateful. But I also miss my people... So... maybe I need to focus my energies on my people here. I started that recently by asking a friend/coworker/amazing person to go on morning walks with me. We are now doing that 2-3 times a week, hella early, around our 3.2 mile Lake (Did I mention I live a few blocks away from the most amazing Lake?! For my Tallahassee peeps, it's Lake Ella on some massive steroids)... So that is one way I am opening myself to friends here. I also am still very involved in my gym, going 4 times a week lately.... having Southern Sunday... involved in Landmark weekly which has created more relationships and friendships... I am dating as well.... so I have people here. It's just a matter of being grateful and appreciative... So here goes the gratitudes
Walking buddy to start my days...
Stimulating conversations...
Beautiful connections with friends on BOTH coasts, from Pacific NW, to the Deep South...
Soul food...
Evaluation, Research, Data...
Suicide prevention and outreach...
The youth I work with that continually amaze me...
Opportunities to heal and grow...
Cultural events...
Self love and care...
Pretending dates are social experiments :)...
Sports and athleticism...
The most beautiful place in the United States (here of course)...
Mountains, Ocean, Lakes, Trails, Hikes, Flowers, Rocks...
Friendship with self and others...
Family...
Communicating with Bear on a regular basis...
Reconnecting with my bestie (love you, TT)...
Helping others...
Beading...
Mondays at Grandma Gayles...
Fridays at work...
Integration...
And with that, I am out (Reached the bottom of the page, so I have to stop myself and get back to work.)
Love to all, light to all
DBear

29 and feelin F.I.N.E.

I pray to God that my first day of 29 is no indicator of the lessons I will be taught this year... if so, that will include patience. Lots of patience, with myself and others. And one of the agreements I thought I had already learned... to not take anything personally.
So this is how my last 36 hours went down (I'll add my gratitudes shortly)... the birthday started with having to work. Yes, I planned it that way. Because I think work is too important to miss a day... if I am rigorously honest, it is because my ego tells me all things will fall apart if I am not there. Yet I disguise this as "responsibility." Either way, I went to work with a bad attitude, left my wallet at home (which I needed for a few travel reqs at work, and later my vehicle registration), prepared for a meeting in the wrong way (that's a whole story in itself), basically, it was just a day. I didn't do the things I wanted to do, because I chose to work. The real truth is I chose to work. All the drama and stories I attach to it are just that. I am learning patience with myself when I make these choices. It's completely unnecessary to punish myself with a bad attitude or pity party. I simply own up to make choices and act accordingly. I did get to leave work early and spend some time with my parents. After having a special coworker give me flowers, a client give me flowers, and over 100 people wishing me happy birthday. That was pretty awesome. (In case you haven't guessed.. birthdays are important to me. Why? Because I played Russian Roulette with my life multiple times over the course of my life... it's a miracle I am alive)
Now... let's get to today. Everyone knows I am a planner. So for me to commit to a road trip that is not planned out is huge. I thought I was prepared. Until I got in the car. Then, it hit. We are relying on google maps, have no hotel room reserved, actually reserved the rental car an hour before leaving, just whoa. Hold on. I need to plan. Please let me plan this out for you. Please. Nope. Not happening. Talk about a lesson in patience and letting go of control. THEN, I get NO hotspot service on the 9 hour ride to Crescent City (took a very long route), meaning I get very little work done. Irony. I wanted to work even though I used my PTO for this unorganized road trip. I needed to work. So I thought. Yet I got very little done and the sky did not fall. Love it.
I will not get in to the personalities here because this could easily shift into the blame game. But I am learning to speak up for myself, acknowledge my worth, without taking another person's actions personally. Enough on that.
So the GRATITUDE for the last 36 hours... I have spoken to my father Bear 3 times, received his letter this morning (thought I wouldn't get it til returning home Sunday!), have a very special recorded voicemail of him singing to me, was serenaded by three friends, am on my way to Portland to see my brother and friends I collaborate with on a professional level, I have 5 bouquets of flowers from Sunday-Tuesday (there's a long "story" here about how I was always the one giving flowers and never receiving them), and I have been able to watch 3 movies since my parents arrived in Cali. That is a miracle in itself. Oh, and Southern Food Sunday. My mother threw one of these on mother's day in celebration of my birthday and it was a huge hit. So the first Sunday of the month will be Southern Food Sunday on my rooftop patio. I have about 15 friends who are stoked about this, and I am stoked to be hosting! Good motivation for me to get back in the kitchen. I also had the opportunity to speak to my daddy, and am grateful for this. Let's see... I am sure there are many more, but I am tired. Ok, a few more... Pacific Ocean, birds, lighthouses, China, leisure reading, my mama, friends from Florida to California, the old friends I can talk to after forever and it's like no time has passed, forgiveness, and LOVE.
Love to all, Light to all
Me.

Last Day of 28

Well. I survived. They say 28 is when life is upside down, the year all the lessons we need to learn for the next 7 years will be thrown our way, all of that. I fully believe I have had a few lifetime's worth of 28s this year. It has been the most life changing, roller coaster ride of a year I could imagine. I thought 21 was that for me. But I have to say 28 is... yes, I know, I am so young.. thank you :) But we all know I'm an old soul. Regardless, I definitely had my share of life and lessons this year.
Most everything was wonderful. But it also came with heartbreak. I said some of the hardest "see you laters" of my life. I've also welcomed in some of the most beautiful relationships I have experienced to date. The most genuine and natural friendships... some of which are very recent. I have also experienced that old truth, that friends can go a long time without speaking and pick up like no time has passed. That's my favorite.
Most of all, I've experienced commitment. Commitment to my life here, even when the homesick seemed to smother me. Commitment to transformation... to learning the lessons and living fully... to completing all of the relationships in which I've been inauthentic and finding peace within... I can 100% say that regardless of what is going on with others, I experience peace. This is the most recent addition to 28, and I am forever grateful (call me superstitious, but I damn sure did not want to keep repeating the messes in relationships I've created for the next 7 years.) I am fully open to welcoming ANY person from my past back into my life with ZERO negative feelings attached to that person. That is a first for me. Ever. Again, I am grateful.
So the obvious changes that came with 28... moving across country, a new career, many trips for work, moving again after I moved cross country (stayed in the same city, at least), new friends, new everything really.... And those things that remained the same... my commitment to my weekly letters to and from my father (Bear), commitment to healing, my love for my China Queen, relationship status (well, I went from being emotionally unavailable to available... even though I've technically been single for a while now), and in an odd way.. Me. I have changed, yet I am still me. I can't really explain that, I guess you would have to be around me to know what I mean. And my sheros have remained the same... my mama and my Grandma. Love them to pieces.
With that said, I'm going back to my night. I am happy to say my mom and Jon (dad #2) are visiting for the first time. So I spent my last day of 28 working, while texting them directions around public transit in SF, then walking the Lake with my mama (she LOVES Lake Merritt/Grand Lake area), ordering Ethiopian for us (she hated that!, but Jon and I had hers), and now watching movies. This is the life. Glad I'm around for it :) To think, I never expected to live past 18. Here I am, a decade later, happier and more at peace than I've ever been... Life is good. All the time.
Love to all, Light to all,
Me

Transformative Work.

When I discussed my intentions for the new year back in January, I mentioned I would be taking on some self-help type seminars. I had no idea what that intention would actually create for me. I was hesitant to write about this, because I am still not sure what is happening. Well, that's a lie. I am transforming. I am walking in integrity. I am living life fully and powerfully, as if all is today. No tomorrow, no past. Today.
Part of this involves completion of things in my past... which is where it gets gritty. Those who are familiar with 12th step programs would liken this to the amends process. I feel it to be a 4th dimension to that process. I actaully acknowledge every person, relationship, experience in which I have been ingenuine so I can live a genuine existence. This is producing miraculous break throughs for me. Don't get me wrong, there are people who I have not been able to reach. I can attach many stories to this (they are damaged, they are hurt, they are closed off to communication, etc.) But the reality just is. And rather than being completely devestated by this reality (they cannot be reached), I acknowledge what is. And that is all there is.
Like I said, I was hesitant to explain this phenomenom because it's difficult to "get" unless you've experienced it yourself. I basically went through 10-20 years of therapy in 72 hours. I will continue to go to weekly seminars and one more intensive session. This will take course over the summer. I am creating all sorts of new possibilities for myself. the first of which is to live geniunely and in integrity. To be able to connect to others in a deeper way that what I was able to do before. This means complete acknowledgment of where I have been ingenuine in order to clear a passage for the possibilities I have created for myself.
Example: My dad. I have always wanted a relationship with him. Yet I never could say that to him. Those simple words never came out of my mouth. I said it was because I was scared, or he would reject me, blah blah, story, story. When the truth is I was ingenuine in that relationship. I was not authentic. I wrote my dad a letter about my inauthenticities and called him to read it to him. He actually was happy and wanted to be connected to me too! Who knew? For years, I told myself the story of my dad... that he just wasn't able to connect to me, or wasn't interested, or liked my siblings more, or blah, blah, story, story, story. When in reality, I needed to be authentic in my communication with him! After this call (yesterday) he called me back just to check on me! I do not know if that has ever happened.
I am grateful.
I am sure more will unfold, but for now, I just am. I would go in to the unexpected experiences that I label disheartening, but I am creating the posssibility that those will transform as well. My true hope is that everyone can experience what I am experiencing at this moment... transformation. Living a life of possibility and a transformed existence. It is a beautiful place to live.
Love to all, light to all
DBear

TBT

I noticed all the kids have used this "TBT" acronym for a while... Truth Be Told (well, there is also Throwback Thursday)... anyway, since I'm trying to be more cool to our youth, I figured I'd use it too. Ha, not really, I just wanted to use it. But TBT... some days are just shit. For no other reason than that. (Excuse my language if you are one of our youth, elders, or one of my mom's church friends, but I'm just gonna be real for a minute here)

Life can be going along great and bam! Shit just got real. Health scares, medical tests, crazy BS at work, drama everywhere you look and you're just trying to keep the peace, keep your own head above water, help everyone else, be the listener/counselor/peace maker, all while battling your own demons.

Suddenly, I'm not sure if I belong here, if I want to stay, if I even want to continue walking the Red Road... this is totally unlike me. I LOVE MY LIFE. But TBT, it can be a rough ride at times. And not one of those fun rough rides, a ride from hell. It's funny, I just told someone on OKC that today wasn't all sunshine and roses and then I realized I actually had a lot of sunshine today... and even roses from a community member, both in the literal sense. But I also had this fear deep within about my medical stuff, this heartbreak that ceases to let up (over someone I cannot mention, as much as I would love to call her out), and homesickness from hell. Not to mention all the deadlines, the lack of cooperation needed from others to make these deadlines, and all the stress that brings. (Did I mention I'm a bit OCD when it comes to all things evaluation and reports?) Yeah, well, I am.

So there was my truth for the day.

Now of course, I can't end on this note, because I'm too damn positive to end it like that. Everything is ok. Everything is much better. Medically, I have no clue. More tests tomorrow. But I AM OKAY. I Survive. Always. I had the opportunity to reach out to a friend back home (Love you, MM), and she was in need as well. I had my homegroup (Tally homegroup) backing me all the way, and just that support right there made me feel somewhat okay. I had a message from my mom, reminding me how beautiful and important I am. How I have made her proud. (If you know me, my story, or my mom, you know how far we have really come in the last 10 years). Back then, we weren't even sure I would be here to make her proud.

See, it's all about perspective. And that is what I found tonight. Not to mention the elder who was able to teach me the lesson through my perceived heartbreak. I set myself up. Every single time.
But that's another post for another night.

Love to all, light to all
Me

Surviving Saturn Return

Wow, it's been forever. Life is in session. I'm working a lot, playing softball now, hiking on a regular basis, hockey on and off, dating a bit, and have added an additional blog to my life. It's more focused on one topic, lifestyle changes pertaining to health. The main difference is I'm writing anonymously. I will share it here when I am ready. About 5 people are aware I am the author (and that the blog even exists)
So that's all. Just wanted to check in.
I've been in a funky space lately... Contemplating relationships. Love. Soul mates. What if I missed out on mine? Do we have but One? Or many? There's only one I considered to be my complete soul mate, that I was completely comfortable with and trusted with my life, the intimacy was complete but it was more than a sexual attraction. It was real intimacy. A mutual in-to-me-see. I wonder if that will exist in my life again. If I can have that in a friend and lover and them be one and the same. If not, I'll be grateful for the one I missed. I would say the one that got away, but we never really had each other. Just the idea of each other. The soul connection. The past life where we were one forever, and it lasted...
All I know is I deserve love, I deserve happiness, and it's time for me to fully believe that. To forgive those who have killed my spirit. Or tried to...

It's my 28th year. And it's almost over. They say life is upside down in this year. They also say if the lessons aren't learned, they will be repeated over and over again through the next 7 years. My goal in the next 6 weeks is to learn the damn lesson.

And act like I've learned it.

Love to all. Light to all.
DBear

Raw heart

Do you ever miss someone so much you cannot breathe? That you feel the life has been pulled out of you and all you can do is sob, hoping your tears will wash the pain away? It may be something that triggers it, or it may just hit out of nowhere, but one thing is certain-- the grief of missing that someone hits and hits hard. I hate that. How long will it last? Will these moments come intermittently forever? I hear they will come further apart as time goes on, that times heals all... I should know. It's not like I haven't been through it before. But none of that makes it better when it hits. The only thing that makes it better is knowing it will go away... And trying not to think about the fact that it will one day hit again. That grief will make you her bitch. Over and over again, as long as you live. For tonight, I can write her away. I can cry. I can feel it and let it go. Until it comes again...

Those are my raw thoughts for the night
Because it can't always be rainbows and butterflies

Love to all, light to all
DBear

Theme of the week....

I probably know better than to write when sleep deprived, but here goes...
I swear the theme of my week is powerlessness. I hate that. Or it could be my controlling natures are out of control. One of my favorite quotes by... well, me. Both are powerlessness, I guess.
To say this week has been "interesting" is an understatement. A coworker tells me interesting is a code word. For what? Hmmm, crappy? hell? Not going MY way? Interesting.
So this is how my week started... still getting over the sore throat crud that keeps nudging at me and won't let me be. Unable to fall asleep or stay asleep when I do fall asleep. And slammed at work is another understatement. Mainly powerless at work... unable to do my job when I await others to do their jobs. But I will not complain because I absolutely love my job and am grateful to be working. I am just tired. Over the next 3 days, I will work 42 hours. I have already worked 30 hours in the past 3 days. On about 2 hours sleep a night. Powerlessness. To make matters worse, I have been unable to work out because my body is not allowing it. Powerlessness.
Then came the fun part yesterday. This is where my humanness comes in. I go to the knee doctor. This is nothing new, I've been doing for about 15 years now. However, it is now time to hear the words I did not want to hear... they can no longer give me my usual injections because it is now more important to "save my knee"... meaning my knee is officially crap (as if I didn't know that), they can't replace it until I'm 40, and the only solution is the most painful injection of my life, Synvisc. I got it done, but screamed like a baby. Still limping today. However, instead of acknowledging my disappointment and powerlessness, I keep on my day like business as usual. I go to a wonderful meeting last night (topic? Powerlessness, go figure) and come home. Automatically, I start raging because of my ridiculously lazy roommate and his inability to clean up his own messes... powerlessness.
All of that to come to this conclusion.... yes, I am powerless over all of these people and situations. However, I can change my reactions. I can be grateful. I can express my opinions and desires (in a respectful manner) to coworkers, doctors, roommates, etc. I do not have to keep it all in my head and rage over it all. I can discuss it or get it all out in a healthy manner. That is up to me. Most importantly, I can choose to turn it all over. OR I can keep bitching about it all. What is my choice to be? I think I will choose a Power much greater than me.
Love to all, Light to all

DBear

Healing the Crazy Carla...

So this may be the longest I have gone without blogging... I am actually surprised that I did not write over the holidays, especially New Years. I think part of it is that December was just really a rough month for me. And I wasn't really "feeling" it... I also have been contemplating taking this blog in a different direction, and really getting serious about writing again. More on that later.
They say home is where the heart is. I still refer to Tallahassee as "home". However, after this trip back to Florida, I wonder if I will ever truly see it as home again. There is much healing that needs to occur before I can honestly say yes. Do I miss my family and friends I consider family? Very much. But there are deep wounds that come with "home" that I am never sure will completely heal. Every time I feel I have made strides in these areas, they just come right back up to smack me down. That is what I felt during my trip. Sure, there were some beautiful moments. Especially with my elders. There were also some very painful moments. Reminders of my past, of mistakes I have made, that I will never be forgiven for (so it seems to me), or that I am still paying for... and that is sad.
What was the saddest of all was my reactions. I tend to be very centered in my life here, grounded. Sure, I am high strung at work, but I am paid to be... that is my job. Most of the time, I am relatively calm. Most of the time. Going home, that was not the case. My reactions were automatically those of my 21 and 22 year old self, maybe even my 14 year old self. Believe me, that is not someone anyone should see. Crazy Carla does not need to come out. Ever. And that is exactly what happened. And continues to happen when I allow myself to go there.
Since I have returned from my trip, it has been abundantly apparent that there are certain roles I cannot return to, certain relationships I need to abstain from until I heal. Maybe I can be part of those relationships after the healing has happened, but not until then. How do I know this? Quite simply, if I cannot interact with the person in question without becoming Crazy Carla, I need not interact with them at all. This is a hard lesson. A sad one. Does this mean I love the person any less? Absolutely not. Does this mean I do not want to be involved in their life? No, I do. I just need to heal first. I need to get over the harm caused, by myself and the other person. I need to take my claws out of it. Let go.
Woosah.
I needed to breathe.
I can say there have been completely healthy decisions made since coming home from Florida. I am now Literature Chair at my home group (the oldest women's meeting in the East Bay), childcare provider to the Sunday meeting moms at Central, and I took a hotline shift for the middle of the night on the weekends. I also started hockey, and will be doing some personal growth seminars in SF this spring. I didn't set out the year to do more, it's just all falling in to place this way. As far as the goals I have for this year, I am still working on those. I am actively practicing gratitude on a daily basis, handling my financial affairs, and practicing self-care. Those are definites. And part of the letting go is included in that self-care.
There was a part of me that questioned my decision of moving here once I came back to the Bay. It was a minor panic attack over the cost of living, the lonesomeness I sometimes feel here, the missing my family and my Bear, etc. That was short lived. I came back to work and realized I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I had all of these service work opportunities present themselves and was reminded.... In this moment, without fail, I am where Creator intends me to be. For this, I am truly grateful.
Love to all, Light to all,
DBear

Life on life's terms...

I'm sure I've probably had a blogpost with this title before... it's something I run in to a lot. Living life on life's terms, not my terms, accepting the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, the tough times, things I might not understand... just accepting it all, knowing there is a higher reason for it all and I do not have to understand at this moment. That is difficult. I want to know everything, right now. I remember when I was moving out here, there was a two week window where I had no clue when I was moving, if I was moving, where I would live, how I was getting there, etc. But it all fell in to place. So if that can happen, why do I have such a difficult time trusting everything else to fall in to place? Me of little faith...
I've had a rough week and a half... two major shocks to my system came in the form of death, and another in the form of broken trust. Usually, I am a good judge of who I can trust. I at least get a sense of unease when there is someone I know I cannot trust. Can't explain it, just a feeling. However, I was way off on this one. It's disappointing. To say the least. I really believe I do my best, and good will overcome, no matter what.. I just have to keep believing that. I am very confident in the decisions I make, knowing that I consult a God much more powerful than any human, and work for the greater good, serving my community over ego and personality, striving for the Spiritual over the greed... This, I must remember, and this will always pay off in the end. No matter what.
So here I am, questioning my own judgment, yet remembering who I am- a selfless, honest hard worker. I may be a bit of a feeler and more emotional than I would prefer, but at least I'm honest and sensitive to others. I'd rather feel and connect with others than be cold and disconnected. That is my choice today. For this, I am grateful.
Love and light to all,
DBear

Speak

I wrote this poem tonight...short, but to the point... in response to many issues that have been brewing for years. I felt them reach down to the core of my being as I was researching my family, Thanksgiving brought up even more (walking in two worlds... not an easy way to live) Add a death in the family, and here I am...
I refrain from going in to much detail, as I do not wish to offend or open old wounds- I just seek truth.

Unanswered questions, tales of deceit cover like a blanket, smothering me
Speak! Somebody, Speak!
Generations of lies, pieces missing, people no longer around to tell their stories
Speak! Somebody, Speak!
Can you hear me? Questions resounding, Truth is my aim, tell me our story
Speak! Somebody, Speak!

Unity, Love, and the like

I have so many thoughts and topics going through my mind this morning, it's taken me a bit to collect my thoughts. First of all, I want to thank everyone who participated in democracy by casting their vote. Regardless of differences, thank you.
Now to my thoughts... I have been reflecting on Unity and Love. It truly saddens me when I see people who profess Love in their hearts on Sunday, but spew what appears to be hatred to the world every other day- hatred of others who love differently, hatred of a man who has tried his best to turn this country around, hatred of those who may have fallen on hard times and need help, hatred towards universal healthcare.... I'd like to think I am mistaking fear for hatred. I would like to put on my rose-colored glasses and say "no, not my friends, they couldn't possibly hate anything that resembles an act of moving forward in this country, change, embracing equality." However, I am not there yet. Why do you hate? Is it fear? Is it change? Someone fill me in here, because I am truly baffled.
Last night, I saw someone on national television say she cast her vote for a certain person because she is a Christian. I was raised in the Bible Belt. In many churches, with many ministers putting their spin on the Bible, etc. Regardless of how many ways the web of deceit is spun, it is my belief that Jesus would be feeding the poor, offering FREE healing to the sick, sitting with the outcasts... oh wait, he did those things. So if one is going to be Christian, which is believing in Jesus as their Savior, then why not do your part and live as Jesus would live? And no, going to a shelter and feeding people once a year is not what I am referring to. What I am referring to is embracing our brothers and sisters, accepting our differences, applauding when someone is awarded the "right" to pursue happiness (congrats Maine, Maryland, and Washington), enthusiastically embracing affordable healthcare, crying tears of joy when the child with cancer is no longer denied coverage, rejoicing when our elders are allowed the medicare and social security they worked so hard to have, and understanding that sometimes people fall on hard times and it is the Christian way to help them and not refer to them as "lazy." Is our system perfect? No. Are there people who abuse certain aspects of it? Absolutely. Does this mean we stop living these ideals? I hope not. So, for those of you that do live a Christian life, Live It. For those of different faiths, live it- because we are allowed that choice. We are allowed freedom of religion. Or no religion. But for the Love of all things good, Be Kind. Find a way to Unity. Be Love.
That's all.
DBear

Real talk.

This weekend has been a weekend of reflection, reconnection, excitement, and getting back to my priorities in life. My main priority is, and will hopefully always be, to be of maximum service to God and my fellows. That's what I eagerly signed on for years ago, and it's worked well. However, I lose sight of that. I get busy with work or the gym, trying to find my way around my new surroundings, exploring, etc, that I lose sight of my main purpose. Sure, I volunteer in my community and attempt to be a person that contributes to the well being of others, not one to just take what I can from the world, but actually give back. Whether that be at an event, in the workplace, at home, or in the fellowship. However, that isn't possible when I am not actively working some sort of recovery program. And for me that is more than just connecting with my creator daily. It's getting back in to service in recovery. Because without recovery, I would in no way be in service in these other areas of my life. Quite honestly, I'd be in prison or dead.. My guess is the latter.
It's been extremely difficult for me to feel connected to the recovery community in Oakland. Mainly because I haven't made the effort. I don't have the desperation I had circa 2005. Life is great. I'd rather go to work, hit the gym, explore the Bay Area, take care of life stuff... or I'm too busy to make time, all of that stuff we do. Or I do. So I'm reconnecting.
I came to Sacremento thinking I wouldn't know a soul at this conference. I actually almost cancelled at the last minute because I felt I needed to work this weekend and I'm in Portland next weekend. Thank God I didn't talk myself out of it. I get here and meet people I feel I've known for years. I also see Oakland and SF people here. We set up a good schedule of meetings for me to check out. Connection. Excitement. Priorities. And it just so happens my lungs are still too weak from the pneumonia to be in the gym so that is freeing up lots of time to get plugged in. Who knew illness would be a blessing :)
I'm grateful. Always.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Lessons from the plague

Finding gratitude when feeling like crap is not the easiest feat. Actually, it's very difficult. What I am learning is I am still a horrible patient, and have yet to outgrow my sensitivity handicap when ill. Yes, I am naturally sensitive, but have grown leaps and bounds in this area of my life. Until I get sick. Then, I am one wildly hormonal woman. Especially if it involves me having to take some sort of steroids.
So this has been my month in a nutshell- I got a cold. Then bronchitis. Then my asthma became unhappy with me, and that led to breathing treatment after breathing treatment, yet I still couldn't fend off pneumonia. Next, the medicine they gave me caused an infection in my throat, which landed me in the hospital because I could not swallow my own saliva. They also believe I have strep. After becoming re-hydrated, given new kick ass antibiotics and steroids, and a million jolts of Reiki love from my Bear, I am finally (hopefully) on the upside of all of this.
It's taught me a lot about myself though. I hate being sick. I am not good at it. It's also taught me about others- some are complete insensitive jerks, while others are truly helpful beings who find themselves being helpful no matter what. I am grateful for both. This time ill has given me the ability to connect with new friends, to rest my body and give it a break from working out (as much as I hate that), to quit smoking!, and to find genuine happiness in my art. I needed that. No matter how the lesson comes, I am grateful for it. Every single time. So this one huge month of a lesson is this- treat my body well, appreciate kindness, shake off the rest, and when all else fails, go within and find peace doing something creative. Whether it's being creative in my work life or play life, it makes me feel more whole. That's good enough for me :)
Thank you, plague, for teaching me. You can leave now
Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Why I do not drink...

In a couple of weeks, it will be 7 years since I have last had a drink. Some may think it's easier to be a nondrinker the longer one is away from a drink. But most of us in the sober world know this isn't the case. At times, I feel like it's harder than ever. I got sober when I was barely legal- age 21. What many people do not know is I had been in and out of meetings, therapy, treatment centers, jails, churches, halfway houses, etc. since age 15. So by the time I got sober, I was sick of it all. However, I have to remind myself of all of that to this day. Why? Because I know what alcohol did to me. I know the roads it led me down... The drugs, suicide attempts, near death experiences, the person I became... I know the destruction it caused, to myself and those around me. Why am I thinking of this right now? Because it's important to me to remember who I am. At times, I feel I am the only person in my community that doesn't drink. I know this isn't true. I can go to a meeting, hang out with certain co-workers, attend a community event, and find sober people at all of those places. However, to be a 28 year old single lesbian in Oakland/SF, it is rare that I am sober. Very rare. I thought it would be easier after college. Undergrad was difficult, graduate school was harder (grad students can really knock them back!), adult life- even harder. So I have to remind myself at times.
Tonight, I was discussing New Year's with someone. We were talking about costs of a night out- free drinks, food, DJ's, etc. I asked "what if I don't drink?" Someone made the comment that I should. Or something like this. I had to quickly explain that I have been down that road, and it never ended up as something I should have done... unless we want to include jails, institutions, and near death in that list. It was a good reminder to myself though. Isn't that what it's about anyway? To thine own self be true... Regardless of what others are doing, and what looks like the fun thing to do, it all comes down to knowing myself, and knowing where I belong... sober, healthy, and happy. Living my life purposefully and being of maximum service to others. And that is just not possible without my sobriety. That is why I do not drink. I like who I am sober, I enjoy the relationships I have been able to build and sustain through sobriety. Most of all, the connection I feel with my Creator, a connection I was unable to attain under the influence of multiple substances. Through this connection, I am able to live a life that is truly beyond my wildest dreams. And that is why I do not drink...
Love to all, Light to all
DBear

When life gives you mud...

...Make a mud pie. Yes, my country girl just came out :)

Character Building. What step am I working? Where are my feet? 

These are the thoughts that stay with me whenever I am going through a difficult times. Then, my mom's favorite- "put your big girl panties on and deal with it." I need all of these right now. It's funny how life can be going along so grand and then something hits that just knocks you off your feet. For me, it's a medical issue, and the side effects of such issue. I've done enough griping about that for a few weeks. 

I have to remember I will not feel like this forever, it is simply temporary. I do not have to act on every impulse I have... to yell, to cry, to try to numb out with anything other than God... this is temporary. I am letting go, letting God, trusting that I am okay. I will be okay. Everything is okay. Even if I don't get better today, it is all okay. Right now, in this moment, I am at my dream job, receiving sweet texts from my love, breathing in the life force that is the Great Spirit, and I am okay. My feet are firmly planted, waiting for my mind to get there too. Until then, I will put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

Love to all, Light to all

DBear

Oh Life, how I love you

If I ever feel like I want to move back to Florida, I will have to remind myself of the experiences I would miss out on the most- being here is amazing! I still can't believe I live here. Here, I can be me, completely and wholeheartedly. I can be totally happy being me, surrounded by so many like minded individuals, opportunities to explore, experience, and enjoy life. Sure, happiness isn't determined by my surroundings, but living in the best place in the states surely helps. This weekend, I went on a speed date at TPS (events like that would never happen in the south lol), and a Now and Zen Fest at Golden Gate Park, and I get to experience two more concerts this week-- Melissa Etheridge and Christina Perri/Jason Mraz. Both in very intimate settings. How privileged am I! I don't think I've had this much fun in a while.
Moving out here had to be one of the most frightening experiences I've had. I still have my sad moments, the freak out moments that last a short minute or two, but are still like "what the hell were you thinking?" But for the most part, it's all good. I feel connected to life here. I can't really put it in to words. One friend said I sounded like I married SF and am a newlywed. That's probably a good way to put it. I glow here. This is quite possibly the first time in my life that I haven't had good grades to make me happy, a love life to make me happy, another person, or any accomplishment to make me happy- it's just me. Exploring, experiencing, enjoying... Connecting to Life. Living it up, and loving every moment!
Love to all, Light to All
DBear

How much can happen in a week...

A lot! I feel like it's been a month since my last blog post, but it's been a week. This is going to be a long one, so settle in... (For those who are on my fb, some of this will be old news... then again, I may only have one or two readers that are not on myt fb page)
So this week went from a near death experience with a family member, from going to Pittsburgh, PA very last minute, to my first experience presenting at the National level, followed up by working on my novel, and even a conversation with my ex-fiancé...
Here I go..
Sunday night, my cousin attempted suicide. He was in ICU, unconscious, and on a respirator. They told his mother to go home for his will and prepare herself and the family. Miraculously, he survived and is now home after a stay in the behavioral health center.... I am no stranger to suicide-- attempts and completions-- almost to the point where it hits me like any other death or near death experience... but this one hit me a lot harder-- in two ways. The first is because Randy has Huntingtons Disease. You can read his and his mom's story here- http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sharon-thomason/thwtallahassee So, you see, Randy has this disease that is truly debilitating... however, he had been doing so well. I would see him excited about going to school and I would be so excited for him. It's heart breaking to watch someone struggle with HD and everything that goes along with it. It's even more heartbreaking to watch his mom have to go through this- she is one of the sweetest, strongest women I know.
The second way this touched me was a bit unexpected- I was overwhelmed to the point of tears by the outpouring of love and prayers from all over the US- it's truly amazing. I work in an agency that will stop what they are doing to come together for a prayer circle whenever needed. Last Friday, I asked that we hold a small one for Randy and Sharon. Immediately following the prayer circle, I got word he was off the ventilator and breathing on his own. But that's not all. Later that evening, he came to a bit, mumbled some words, and had friends and family go see him. That is exactly what we prayed for- that he would not feel alone or isolated during this time.
That night, and the next morning, I went through facebook looking at Randy and Sharon's pages, as well as all of the comments on my own page. The word overwhelming is not nearly strong enough a word. I already know the power of social media, we use it in my workplace for a suicide prevention grant I am on, but to have it touch me so personally is a different experience. There must have been over a thousand people praying for Randy. That is extraordinary.
Before knowing whether Randy would fully be okay, I had to head to Pittsburgh for work. The story behind this is crazy now that I have time to realize what just happened- I was asked Friday to go meet a consultant and co-present on a 6-year grant we had at our agency (a grant I had very little knowledge of, just the data part). So all weekend, I studied what I thought I may need to know, prepared the data to present, worked all day Monday getting everything together to head out 5am Tuesday morning. I love the adrenaline. I love working so well under pressure. I was not prepared to have to do a roundtable discussion in front of the "Feds" by myself on Wednesday, but we ended up being double booked on one of our workshops. So I did it! The next day (Thursday), I gave about 2/3 of the second workshop (Culture is Prevention) and Stevie did the first 1/3.
I have to talk about Stevie for a moment... do you ever meet someone you feel you've known for your whole life and the energy is remarkably compatible? That's us! We were dynamic! Never even worked together until this week. We presented together so perfectly, it was almost scary. I just love that! And she lives near my brother, so now when I go to Portland, I get to see her too :) We will definitely work together in the future. I do not know when or on what projects, but I feel it. And I am excited! You'd have to meet her to fully understand, but she is like me in 20 or so years. Maybe 30. She's even the mayor of her town! (That part is hilarious when you know her) But we did it. We went in, got it done, and had loads of fun. I am still surprised my directors trusted me enough to send me on this mission. I also found out what a "crackerjack" is this week-- funny story... So my director was on the phone with Stevie last Friday saying she had a crackerjack evaluator to send to Pittsburgh. I had no idea what on earth that meant, so I asked my upstairs neighbor that night. It means she likes me, she really, really likes me! haha, it's the little things. So Stevie is the mayor, I am the crackerjack.
As if all of this excitement wasn't enough, I opened up my novel doc and wrote some there. At this rate, I will finish in about 50 years, but it's ok. It's all growth, on it's own timetable. I also spoke with my ex, as I mentioned. I realized I miss her. But we had to grow up a lot. I don't know if our paths would ever cross again, but I'm open to it. We had a good thing. I was able to see more of my faults now... putting others' needs ahead of our relationship, not dedicating enough time to grow said relationship, etc. Part of that is just me, I'm a busy bee. But it's good to reflect on, and again, grow... whatever that growth is supposed to look like.
So friends, it's been a long, long week. My cat is laying on my keyboard, demanding some loving, and a letter from Bear is waiting to be opened.
Love to all, Light to all
DBear

Life Lately...

Rocks! Ok, so it's rocked for a while now. I have days where I wake up and can hardly believe I live here, work here, breathe here, exist in this space... it's truly amazing. Especially when I think of where I was 7 years ago, 5 years ago... hell, just a few years ago. I was always too fearful to leave my hometown, but I did it. Then, I was scared to leave Florida, but I did it. It happened through a series of letting go, following my heart and soul, being open to the signs, seeing when doors are opening, and walking through them... Sure, there are days when I miss my family, but I do not think I will leave this space for a very long time.
I have been reflecting on a lot lately, but mainly how many people get stuck in jobs they hate, or have to settle for less than perfect conditions to bring home a paycheck... how blessed am I that is not my life. (Or privileged, as my mentor would say). Yes, I officially have a mentor at work. She's been that to me since before I started working here, but I officially asked last week. I was nervous she would laugh, or say no, that she had too much responsibility as it is, but it was the opposite. She takes her role very seriously and I am grateful. She's tough, don't get me wrong, but she cares about me, my happiness here, my progress in work, my overall well-being. Did I say I love my workplace? Not many agencies can provide me what I have with NAHC.. community, mentorship, empowerment, sense of purpose, trust, passion, the list is endless. And yes, I get paid to be a part of it all :) Don't get me wrong, I'd make more in corporate America, but what is the point in making tons of money to be miserable?
So, friends, this is life lately. I was planning for Portland next weekend, but am headed to Pittsburgh (Pa, not Ca) instead. Funny, I spent a great deal of time (before leaving FL) meditating on how I can be less rigid... I've definitely been given ample opportunities to practice flexibility. I'm not sure I was the type of person that could just say, hey, I'll go to Pittsburgh next week. So glad I am becoming less fearful and more willing to just do it. It's all growth, and it's all good.
Love to all, Light to all,
DBear

Decision tree- blog style

I told myself I would chill on political posts, but I think I have chilled enough on them. It's an election year, and I can write.. So why not.

First up... A "who should you vote for?" decision tree- blog style

1. Are you a woman? Vote Obama
2. Are you Native American, Hispanic, African American, any other race that is not purely European American White? Vote Obama
3. Are you lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or two spirit? Vote Obama
4. Do you love someone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or two spirit? Vote Obama
5. Are you in college, or paying student loans, or have a child that is in college or paying student loans? Or does your child depend on financial aid for an education? Vote Obama
6. Do you have a parent on Medicare or are you close to Medicare (if not already Medicare eligible)? Vote Obama
7. Do you need health insurance and cannot afford it, have a pre-existing condition, or do you care about the child who is denied coverage for a life threatening illness and dies due to lack of care? Vote Obama
8. Are you altruistic and selfless, genuinely believing we should Love one Another? Vote Obama
9. Do you believe in the Lilly Ledbetter Act? Vote Obama (if you do not know what this act is, you should educate yourself or not vote at all)
10. Do you believe our military deserve absolute respect-- male, female, gay, or straight? Vote Obama
11. Have you ever been raped, know someone who has been raped, or understand the implications of being raped (especially if impregnated from such brutality)? Vote Obama
12. Do you want more jobs in America? Vote Obama
13. Do you want to "offshore" (outsource) jobs to other countries? Vote Romney
14. Do you want more foreign policy fuster clucks, leading our troops in to more wars? vote Romney
15. Are you a rich, white, man who does not care about the lives, health, and happiness of others regardless of their social standing, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status? Vote Romney

Adaptable Me...

Okay, so I have had this draft saved for a few days... time to post now. I am no longer in a funk, it always passes..
There are times when I feel I have absolutely nothing to write, yet a lot to write... if that makes any sense... maybe there are just too many thoughts going through my mind at once and making them coherent enough for a blog post is overwhelming... oh, the pressure. No, not really, I just like perfection and clean, structure... when there is too much to write, I'd rather write nothing. So stepping out of that zone, here I go...
It has been three months since I arrived to Oakland. I am now living downtown... moved last week or the week before? I do love my place. It takes me 10 minutes to get to SF from here (learned that Saturday), and that is awesome. The neighborhood is fabulous- I can walk to everything, have an organic food store downstairs, and The Perfect Sidekick is only about a 15 minute walk. Yet this week has been the funk of all funks. I am sure a lot of this has to do with me moving across country three months ago, and then moving again from North Oakland to downtown. All by choice, but that's a lot of movement. Even if each move is a more positive move than the first, it's still movement.
At this point, I question when I became this person that is so able to adapt to change. Like eerily adaptable. I always thought of myself as one who didn't like change... maybe that is still the case... who knows. (Obviously, I am figuring a lot of things out about myself and life in general at this point... oh, the joys of being in my late 20's)
Back to the point-- I didn't move once as a child. Ever. We were in the same house until I moved out when I was 16. Or 15. Some rebellious teenage year (sorry, mom). For the next 7 years, I lived in 14 different places. I am guessing this is when I learned to adapt. Oh, and maybe the 5 high schools between ages 14 and 15. I think the difference between then and now, is that the move to Tampa was my choice, the move to Oakland was my choice, the move downtown was my choice-- etc. etc. So maybe I am handling all of the change better now because they are all my choices, and that gives me some sense of stability in the chaos. I don't even know where I am going with this.. just randomness...
 I still walk around Oakland and San Francisco wondering how I got here... at times questioning my decision (mainly when I miss my family and feel my mom would be under less stress if I were there to help...)... other times, I am overwhelmed with such gratitude, I can hardly stand it. There are days when the streets are peaceful, there are days when they are cruel. There are days when I can't believe how many amazing experiences I get to have here... I have more opportunities than most have in a lifetime. There are days when I just want to do nothing. There are days when I feel like I'm finding my groove here, there are days when I am completely lonely and it sucks. Most days, I have to remind myself I am doing great. I have done more at work than I thought possible in 90 short days, I've met more people through meetings and TPS than I expected, and am getting out and living life to the fullest on a regular basis. Adaptability. If I keep all of that in the forefront of my mind, everything will be just fine.
Love to all, light to all
DBear

Life in the fast lane..

I didn't realize how much I needed to slow down and do art today. Spent the morning admiring and critiquing some of my photography, then took on my first altered book project this afternoon with my favorite people. I think I need a day a week or at least every other week of just art- where it be poetry, photography, altered books, just art... My soul craves it. So adding it to my new life schedule
Speaking of which... What schedule? I have got to get myself on a more regular schedule. Between meetings, work, workouts at TPS, extracurriculars, life is never boring, and I love every minute of it. I'm also aiming to be more structured in my time. I feel I'm finally settled in my new place, I can stick to a better schedule. At least my weekly writings and reiki with my Bear have remained constant.. For over two years now. Amazing.
So what's in the fast lane line up? Other than the aforementioned usuals, I have the following to pack in to the next 32 days- yoga for hope (SF), art in the park (redwood regional), Now and Zen (SF- free concert in golden gate), 5 day trip to Portland!!, Melissa Etheridge (Oakland), Jason Mraz and Christina Perri (Berkeley)- excuse my language, but hell yes. To all of the above. Oh, and a speed date deal! Maybe a 5K in there somewhere? Add a lot of workouts at TPS, hours at NAHC, and there's my life, in the fast lane. Live it up!
Love to all, light to all
DBear

Settle me, please...

We all know moving sucks. There is no way around that. But for some reason, this move is more difficult than my cross country move (ok, I am being a bit dramatic, but hear me out)... maybe it is because I have a lot less time to move. No, that's not it. I did work up until the week before leaving Florida. Then again, I had tons of hands helping me pack, get rid of things, pack more, load, etc. etc. Here, I do not have as many hands. I have, well, me. (I do have one friend who helped me get things for the apartment and will hopefully be there Sunday and Monday- thanks, Celia) So that's one difference.
I think the main difference is I want everything to be perfect. I need to be settled. I didn't realize how much so until this week. (My moving history is minimal... I did have multiple moves between the ages of 16 and 21, but I didn't care back then, I was too messed up to care. And before that, I lived in the same house since birth.) The move to Tampa was rough, but I moved to my own place, a huge 2 BR condo, and stayed there for two years. Since arriving in Oakland, I have been living in a tiny room with hardly any space to walk around in, let alone breathe. In someone else's place, with half of my belongings in storage. I chose it this way because I wanted to get out here and learn the area before committing to a lease.
Little did I know what renting and moving would be like... it is extremely rushed. You go to an open house, pull out your cash, credit reports, bank statements, pay stubs, completed app, and hope you beat someone to the punch. That was the tough part. That happened last week? The week before? I've lost track. Then comes the walk through, waiting on keys, etc. All of that happened this week? Last week? I've lost track. All while working a lot, trying to space plan my new place, get everything "perfect" (that's my main problem), and breathe. I really need to be settled.. did I mention that?
About my place, because I do need some gratitude here- it is AMAZING. Perfect location, downtown and lakeside- walking distance to Chinatown, Jack London Square, Lake Merritt, everything- first Friday, farmer's market, you name it, it's there. And it's a beautiful place. Yet, there is absolutely nothing in it- no curtain rods, not even in the bathroom, the washer and dryer hook ups are in too small a space to adequately place a washer and dryer, and there's a no putting holes in the wall rule that we were not told about until after the least was signed. And we were not told we needed a ventless dryer until after lease was signed.
So how did this week go? Hired movers. Rented truck. Haven't packed yet. Did shop. Attempted to put together some furniture. Failed miserably. Found a ventless dryer. Drove "45 mins" (took 2.5 hours due to traffic) to get said dryer. Had to change out the cord (that's a mcguyver move I learned in tampa when you have a 3 prong and need a 4)... paid for a washer that is to be delivered tomorrow, and now the washer will not fit because the dryer door needs to be able to open (duh, right?) Oh, and about the washer- delivery guys were supposed to meet me there at 1 today. Called them at 1:15 after rushing home between meetings and waiting for them, they asked to come tonight. Had my roommate get off work to meet them at 4:30, they called and asked to come tomorrow. They damn sure better be there at 10am tomorrow and try to stack that washer on our dryer. Or I might just lose it. Oh, and I'm on day 5 of gluten free. Someone give me a freaking cookie. Please.
So there we have it friends, my movers will be here in less than 36 hours and what I do have in my room is not packed. And I am supposed to work an event tomorrow.
Sorry for the negative nancy update, but it can't all be rainbows and flowers all the time, right? Just think, next time this week, I will be living in luxury with Space! In my own place. That's enough for me.
Love to all, light to all
DBear

More lessons from the bay area

This city is amazing, but there are always lessons to be learned.

• Do not expect honesty, from anyone (I am sure this is a life lesson, not necessarily a metropolitan living lesson)
• I have learned to be a good liar- "no, sorry, I do not carry cash on me."
• Wear thick skin... just because a hooker cusses you out on International Blvd does not mean your day is ruined...
• The apartment rental industry is extremely cut-throat... I have learned to be one of "those people."
• It does not rain- that misty, foglike substance is exactly that- misty fog. At times, I miss a good rain.
• Stay away from ANY freeway between the hours of 3p and 7p- sometimes, up to 10p. I cannot wait to only take public transit.
• Do not expect California drivers to let you out in traffic, use a blinker, or do anything kind for that matter. IF they do, be grateful.
• When driving, pay attention to the bike lanes, the pedestrian crossings, AND stop signs, stop lights, etc. It is an extremely daunting task.
• If you are a cigarette smoker, prepare to be discriminated against. However, you can smoke your pot anywhere.

That's all I have for this post. I am currently undergoing changes at work, moving, on week 1 of gluten free, and miss my family. So this was my therapy :) Happy Friday.

Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Wounded Woman...

Wrote this on my way to grad weekend... just took a while to post it.. 

Wounded woman, 
I understand you’re broken, 
you have been for quite some time....
Yet you will not break me in your own pain. 
I empathize with you, have compassion for those wounds of yours. 
But I will not lay down and die, I will not let you break me, 
I will not allow your wounds to become mine. 
Wounded woman, 
I hear you’ve been hard-hearted, you’ve turned to stone. 
The icy type. 
Oh, honey, it’s so unnecessary, don’t you see? 
People want to love you and be loved, 
not be shut out by the stone you have built around you. 
I will not be broken by your stone. 
See, you’re just another brick in my wall. 
You’ve added to who I am today, wounded woman. 
You helped build me up, but will not tear me down. 
You can hurt yourself all day… I will not succumb to the pain. 
The pain you have inflicted with your words, your wounds, your inactions, your icy stone. 
I choose to melt all of it away today, won’t you do the same… 
Wounded woman, Turn those wounds around. 
Don’t go around here inflicting the pain you feel. 
Use it to heal. 
Heal self, heal others, let go of your stone, wounded woman, 
find your peace, 
spread it, 
live it. 
Become whole… 
I am.

Pain and Gratitude...

So I haven't really posted an "update on the East Bay life" lately... last night, I posted a poem I wrote in July, and tonight I am posting on a totally different topic. (For those wanting an update in general, everything is awesome! I live in the best place ever!)
Tonight, I wanted to write something different... something a lot of people don't talk about, and I felt it important to share my story... mainly, because I am currently elevating and icing my knee, but also because it may help others. I have had the privilege of sharing my experiences with another who is going through a similar situation... we handle ours completely differently, but I think it has helped her to hear my struggles and victories.
So here I go.... Chronic Pain is one of those invisible illnesses... you can't tell (unless I am limping), and it's not something a lot of people discuss. Sadly, many doctors have added to why people do not talk about it a lot- because the words "chronic pain" have a negative connotation... in Florida, it was seen as someone seeking drugs.
The reason I don't discuss mine in detail is because I feel that if I focus on it, it increases. However, if it is to help someone else, I will definitely discuss. Wounded healer concept... literally. I will also discuss it if speaking with a medical professional or a personal trainer.
One of my chronic pain spots is like the majority of those who suffer- lower back. However, that is not the pain that gives me the most trouble (anymore)- the pain that troubles me the most is my knees.
I will start with the latter. I was born with a condition where the grooves behind my knee caps are too shall, and I am hyperflexible at the same time. Meaning the dislocation of my knee was a regular occurrence for years. It got to the point that I could just pop it right back in to place. Still can. This also means hyperextension is a regular occurrence (still)- I have to remain very cognizant of how I stand and had to re-learn how to do basically everything when I was 14. For example, I have to remind myself to keep a slight bend in my knee when standing. Additionally, I have chipped and broken both knees. What this means- I now have 80-ish old knees, need a new right knee, and have a lack of cartilage in both, as well as arthritis. What this really means- I hurt every morning when I wake up. Most days, it hurts all day. Sometimes, down to the ankle, but mostly it is like knives in my knee caps and behind my knee. Then, there's a nerve type pain that would make a grown man cry. Now please, do not sit there with your jaw gaping, or rubbing your knee, imagining the pain. And for the love of God, do NOT feel sorry for me. Ever. I am just qualifying here.
Saying all of that, I get to this- how I deal. I still work out on a very regular basis, I hike when I get the chance, "jog" when the pain doesn't make me want to puke (that is my indicator to stop), do modified squats to strengthen the muscles, receive injections (these no longer work, so will be removed from the list), receive reiki from my bear (I feel this to be the most healing), use a tens unit, lidoderm patches, and non-narcotic medications. When I have surgeries (I have had 4 or 5), I take the narcotics for a few days, then go back to the regimen listed above. The most important thing I do for my pain- I stay grateful! I can walk. I can run. I can't hop, but who really cares? I have legs. Yes, some days, I can barely use them, and I have to do a hell of a lot to lower my pain level, but I remain grateful. I keep a good attitude and rarely let it get me down. Do I get pissed? Oh yes. Do I quit? Hell no. That is why I am writing this... so hopefully, anyone who struggles with this can know you do not have to quit. For those who are reading this, and truly cannot handle it, I am not saying I am better than you or judging you for how you have dealt with your issue-- I am simply sharing my experiences.
Now to the lower back, since the majority of people struggle with this. There are some mornings when I wake up and my legs will not move. I wait. I gently move them until the numbness goes away. I have had to learn how to get in and out of cars, how to work my abs without my legs going numb, how to roll on to my side to get up, etc. This was from a car accident, but I probably had lower back problems long before (I fell a lot as a kid, and played ball for years). How I deal with this- reiki with Bear, massage, tens unit, I have learned if I move my leg a certain way, I can get the feeling back (hard to explain) basically the same things. The most important thing I do for my pain- Stay grateful! I remember one New Year's Day, I could not walk the whole day. My legs were numb and I had to stay on the couch for about 12 hours. I cried all day. The next day, it was worse. I decided I was going to call friends, watch a comedy, be grateful, what do you know? The pain subsided. I simply have to modify my life and my attitude. It's the same with hiking- I have to plan a day to rest after when I know I am going on a long hike. Is it inconvenient? Yes. Is it the end of the world? No.
So wow, I didn't expect to write a book. I have been thinking about how I could use this to help others for some time though. Tonight, I am in a ridiculous amount of pain because I overdid myself at a workout class. I know better. I know that when the pain gets to the point of nausea, I stop (not if the general physical exertion of the workout is making me nauseous- there is a difference). Tonight, I didn't stop. So I am elevating, icing, and calling my Bear for Reiki first thing in the morning. And I am Grateful. Because I can do these things. I have considered going after my certification with the National Association of Sports Medicine with a specialty in injury and rehab. Yes, it will cost money, take time, and all of that.... but if someone with my history can work out and enjoy it, I can surely help others do the same. For now, I will continue to share with my friend and hope it helps her find a new attitude about her pain. Or at least some gratitude...
So that's my story on this topic. Looking forward to a road trip this weekend and some hiking on the way back.
Love to all, light to all
DBear

My acknowledgements...

Took me a while to post this one...


I acknowledge that I have hurt you. I acknowledge that I have been hurt by you.
I acknowledge that I love you unconditionally. I acknowledge that by you, I was loved deeply.
I acknowledge the uncertainty, the sadness, the grief.
I acknowledge the questioning, wondering, the truth, the deceit.
I acknowledge you, acknowledge me...
I acknowledge the oneness, in the silence, it still remains,
I acknowledge my completeness, my independence, in the absence of our unity, the connectedness holds true, I acknowledge my ties to you. Bonds that I've wished away, they remain, I acknowledge these bonds, they do not equate chains.
I am free.
Complete, a whole being.
A gentle Spirit, wounded but grounded, harmed but loving, I acknowledge the duality that exists within, the duality you have left me with.. I acknowledge where you end and I begin...

All my relations
Aho

-DBear 7/12/12

Dear mom,

Wow. What a weekend. I often wonder how I deserve such greatness. I mean it's not like I'm terribly special, I'm just me. Yet, I find myself being treated like a queen on a regular basis and it amazes me. Thank God I am not still paying for my past, or I would have nobody around to love me and appreciate me. For years, I only cared about surviving, doing what I had to do, regardless of others. Or what I thought was surviving. It was all self-centered, a life of self destruction, fulfilling the demons' demands. I am priveledged that I had the opportunity to start over, and nearly 7 years later, here I am. Finding myself constantly surrounded by such love, such presence, unconditional love. I have become a person that enjoys people, builds relationships, and these people love me back! These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind this weekend.
For those who do not know my whole story, it's a lot... to make it brief, who I am today is not who I ever imagined to be, nor did those who knew me then have any clue where I would be today. My family surely envisioned phone calls of overdoses or accidents, or that I would be in jail. All from chasing substances and highs to make me "better." Some years ago, I became part of an amazing fellowship where I connected with a HP to make me better, I connected with Love, I allowed myself to "get better." Because of many people loving me, and me somehow allowing this to happen, I am here today. This weekend, I graduated with a freaking masters degree. How does someone who comes from where I come from even do that? And the degree isn't even the biggest part... the love I felt from all those who have been with me along the way- that is the miracle.
The relationship I have with my mom is the biggest miracle. My mother is notorious for throwing amazing parties, and she is the one I harmed the most. She is the epitome of unconditional love. I tear up as I write this, because I can only hope I will be half the woman she is. A woman who gives so selflessly of herself, forgets and forgives the wrongs her children have bestowed upon her, and in turn, showers her love upon us. Wow.
Today, she is my best friend. Because of her, I was able to complete the education I sought. She was my cheering section through the late nights, hospital stays, multiple injuries, two and three jobs at a time while carrying a full load of classes, my editor, sounding board, my mom.
So yes, this was a whirl wind weekend, and I am still processing it all. I am grateful for the host of our party, the friends that showed up in person and watched online from afar, the advisers that believed in me when I wanted to give up, and mostly, my mom. This weekend was definitely worth the 6 planes it took to get to and from Florida so I could have my mom perfectly arrange my hood with cap and gown, take pictures, and I could proudly strut across that stage (armed with my warrior necklace) knowing I am not the person I once was. I am no longer the scared little girl, pushing everyone away, wanting to die. I am the woman who can hold my head high, believe in myself, appreciate the hard work and determination it takes to keep my commitments to myself, my family, my education, my passion. I am a woman that makes my mother proud.. More importantly, I am proud of myself. That is far greater than any degree, accolades, or monetary value. I am truly grateful.
Love to all, light to all
DBear

An open letter to all who are open enough to read it...

Since this blog's inception, I think I have written one political post. Maybe two. This is surprising, as I am highly involved in politics, social justice, equality, basically anything that has to do with humankind. I am pro-people, including LGBT communities, marriages, adoptions, etc. However, I do not hate you if you do not agree.
What disturbs me is people donating money to hate groups, spreading lies about individuals that are not "normal" because they love differently. What disturbs me is when anti-gays do everything in their power to put a stop to gay marriage where it exists and ban it where it doesn't exist. And I hate to break it to you, but if you say you love the gays, yet vote against their equality, you my friend are anti-gay. You may not be hateful about it, but definitely discriminatory. On that note, when supporting businesses that give millions of dollars to hate-groups, you are also showing me you are anti-gay. Your actions are speaking louder than your words.
This brings me to Chick-Fil-A. No, CFA is not a hate group per se, but they give millions (through their foundation, WinShape) to groups that say horrible lies about the LGBT community. Groups that feel you can pray away the gay, or support ministers who say to beat away the gay or even rape it away (google them, I don't even want to discuss them as it makes me puke). These groups go further than expressing their beliefs, they discriminate against the LGBT community. They go even further when spouting lies like gays are molestors, immoral, sinners (speaking of, aren't we all sinners?), and a threat to mankind.
I was raised in the church. I understand the beliefs. I get it. I also know that Jesus would spend time with prostitutes, beggars, outcasts in general. If you are Christian, and quoting the Old Testament, then you can not really be considered Christian. Jesus wiped away the old law with the New Testament. I really don't care to get in to more a theological debate, I will win. (For the record, I am down with Jesus. Think he was a great guy.)
I am writing this more to ask one simple question- What personal harm is being done to anyone because of someone else's consentual relationships and preferences? What harm is caused by allowing equality? What harm is caused by allowing marriage, adoption, insurance and medical benefits to people that are in love? I can't think of anything.
What's harmful is continuing to discriminate and oppress individuals because they do not fit in to the Adam and Eve relationship. What's harmful is to spread lies about some of the kindest people I know, people that wouldn't hurt a fly. What's harmful is to deny millions of foster kids a chance at an awesome life with two loving parents. What's harmful is giving money to companies is do all of the above.
That is all.
DBear

Is it only Monday?

Well, It's still Monday here. Tuesday on the East Coast :)
Posting early this week, as it's going to be quite eventful. This weekend was eventful as well. Six Flags Vallejo was a lot cooler than I expected. It's like a mix between sea world and an amusement park, plus animals too- the tiger show was amazing. Never in my life have I seen a tiger swim under water... for food of course. I'm sure China would do that for her food ha. The roller coasters were crazy, but I only went on one... not sure why I always do this... think I can take dramamine and the roller coaster will be okay. Insanity. I really don't like them anymore. Happened sometime between 22 and 24- they make me sick. The dramamine keeps the vomit away, but not the feeling of dizziness and thinking I will die. Think I'll stick to rock climbing and zip lining for my thrills. Anything that doesn't require me going upside down or twirling around and I'm good.
The rest of the weekend was quite busy... laundry, babysitting the best 4 year old ever, Olympics viewings with great friends, great food, and a bit of down time. I really am blessed to be out here, and to have friends here.
I'm looking forward to this week, but things will be nonstop from now until.. well, at least September. I have my whirlwind trip to Tampa this weekend, then I will be actively seeking housing here to move first week of September. I haven't had much luck yet, but hoping that will change. People are pretty last minute out here. Like posting on craigslist for a room available... that weekend. I like to plan a bit more than that. However, I remember what I went through getting here, and if I can deal with the last minute a couple of months ago, I can deal with it now.
I am getting more excited about the trip this weekend, but there is part of me that is very sad. I wish I could combine Tampa and Tally in to one, and it's just not possible. I wish my old soul sista was going to be there, but it's highly doubtful. Nonetheless, I remain grateful. I am incredibly grateful for those who choose to show up, support me, be in my life, love me, hell- they're even throwing a party for me. Very cool :) I really couldn't ask for more.
So friends, enjoy your week. Send some positive vibes for my very short layovers (at LAX and Houston) so I can make it there in time. Not so stressed about making it back here in time, but definitely need to make it to TPA with no issues. And this will be the first time I attempt to fly carry-on only. I believe that will go down in history. I am definitely not the most simplistic when it comes to packing. I hope to prove myself wrong tomorrow night :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear

May there be Peace within...

What to add this week... Let's see, I have officially beat the crud going around work by drinking more emergenC and airborne than should be acceptable. Work is changing, we are losing my first work friend here and will miss her terribly, but she has an opportunity she cannot pass up. I relate. If I had said no to all of the opportunities that came my way these last couple of years, I'd still be stuck in my hometown (no offense to those that are, I'm a Tallahassee lassie always) So with my supervisor's exit, I am tasked with new responsibilities to which I respond, "Yes! bring it! :)"
Since I do not wish to turn in to that person that only has a work life, I've been keeping up with my workouts, my fellowship, and friends here. Last weekend, I experienced Santa Cruz for the first time. Incredible. I highly recommend it.... On eight hours of sleep. Or any sleep for that matter. Some things do not change, me without sleep is one of those things- I am an unpleasant monster. Lesson learned.
I also celebrated a milestone tonight. A 5 year mark I would have celebrated last month, but was writing a grant til 10 that evening. It worked out the way it was supposed to. I realized that I am always right where I need to be. Always. I've also recognized this peace within... A peace I hadn't recognized on a while. No gnawing fears or anxieties, just peace. Not elation, just peace. I love it. Not sure when it came, maybe once I was still enough to feel it... I am grateful.
I head to Florida next week for graduation. That will have to be another blog entry, I still haven't wrapped my brain around how I went from high school drop out to simply wanting to finish my AA degree to the BSW to here... MPH. Many honors have come my way academically, many experiences I never expected to encounter, but it isn't about all of that- its about how far Great Spirit can bring me when I allow myself to be guided. When I allow myself to be disciplined, and believe I deserve good things. That right there is far deeper than any piece of paper or letters behind my name. And finally realizing that... Well, that's a priceless gift from above, within, without, all around...
I am grateful.
So there's my thoughts for tonight. Scattered as they may be, I allow the soul to move me. This is where I find freedom. This is where I find I am free to be me.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Take flight

Wow, has it already been a week since my last post? Life here is crazy busy, but I love it. Let's see... I am writing on my lunch "break" today because I do not know when I will have time later, if that gives you an idea of the schedule I am keeping.
I did go to see Joy Harjo last week, and that was beyond incredible. There are no words to describe the experience. I highly recommend her memoir, Crazy Brave. Even better, see her read excerpts of her work, play the flute, sing her songs, brilliant. She is the epitome of who I hope to be... one day. Speaking of, I will be getting a new flute eventually. I had a beautiful Native American flute years ago, but a dog I rescued chose to eat said flute. I understand, it does look like a giant bone/chew toy. Such is life. Seeing Joy also inspired me to finish reading the book I was reading (Closure and the Law of Relationship), and get back to writing. I allowed Spirit to guide me and wrote one of the most healing pieces of work I have written in a while... I may share eventually... that requires more vulnerability.
The following day was not as calm and centered as the feeling her performance left me with... I had to work, then prepare for a camping trip. I am shocked at the time and energy prepping for camping requires. I did get an awesome tent for only $36 (this is apparently unheard of), and went through rounds and rounds of "issues" with sleeping arrangements. For those of you who do not know about my physical issues, sleeping is a bit of a problem. The first night, I could only get the air mattress hald inflated and woke up in more pain than I have felt in years. However, this could not hold me down because hiking was in order. My first hiking experience with a 4 year old is noteworthy. It involved a lot of stops, creativity games, and finally her deciding to become a hill runner so we could up our timing on the steep inclines. 3 miles of East Bay hiking felt like 10 miles of Florida hiking. Similar to Colorado, but without the high altitude issues- my lungs thank me. The next night, sleeping was a problem again. My air mattress compressor went missing (I am still baffled by why one would steal from such a nice camp ground, oh humanity...), but we figured out a way to make it work. Given that we were only 20 mins from my friend's house, we cheated. That's right. Judge me if you wish. We went home to shower, have amazing organic Chinese food, and borrow couch cushions for my second night of sleeping. Success! Having to wake up the next morning to get to a 10K in San Francisco was not as much fun... zombie. But I did it. I drove home, grabbed my tens unit, and showed up to GG Park like a champ. The Walk was highly successful- I believe over 25,000 people there to walk for AIDS. Amazing. The fact that I didn't die after all of this- even more amazing. I did have to deal with the swollen knees, but such is life.
As much as I wanted to go home and sleep the night away, I had to get myself together for a date Sunday night. Yes, I am dating. For the first time in.... well, ever. I have always just been in relationships. Or out of them. Or getting over one. Or halfway in one. So this is a nice change. The date was nice. If anything, I have made a new friend, and that's cool. It's all new to me, so I am just going with the flow, and enjoying it all along the way.
So that my friends, is one very eventful weekend in the East Bay. The week has been equally eventful with work, and workouts at The Perfect Sidekick. I also talked to an old friend/ soul sista (whatever I should call her) yesterday and it was needed. Still finding closure in certain areas, but such is life. I am realizing that regardless of other people- where they are, and how they feel, what they do or don't do- my life is great. I am able to fly. If others want to be part of this, that is great; if not, I love them anyway. And that's all on that.
Back to work :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear

Left foot, right foot, Fly

So for my weekly update... this has probably been one of the hardest here yet. Sunday afternoon brought a heart full of sadness, with news that an amazing life was taken in a motorcycle accident. I don't really feel like discussing it, but it's just been difficult seeing all of my ladies back home (Tampa home) struggling through Sandy's death and being so far away. And feeling my own sadness as well. This is the decision I made though... to move 3,000 miles away, and live life here. With that, comes death. Even the most tragic and unexpected. I cannot simply teleport myself back to Florida, no matter how much I wish I could. All I can do is make calls for friends, answer calls and texts, do my part to help wherever I can, from here... so that's what I've done. To the best of my ability. So that was Sunday, and Monday, I went to work, but my heart and mind were in Tampa... My boss let me take my flex day on Tuesday, and she didn't even know my struggles, she just knew I was working a lot lately and had a free schedule yesterday so I got to take it. Needed it more than I knew. I also joined The Perfect Sidekick on Monday, which is something I have wanted to do since I moved here... needed that more than I knew as well (feel free to google... it's pretty bad ass)
So here I am tonight, feeling like it's been 2 weeks since Sunday, and it's only Wednesday night. One of the cool things about the timing of my move here is my friend, Kylie, from Tallahassee was out here visiting when I arrived. She introduced me to her BFF, Cassie, and Cassie's daughter, Jasia. They have become my instant fam. Last night, I went and had dinner there. Friday, I will go camping up in Redwood area with them, and enjoying some nature walks Saturday morning. I also met another cool friend here, Celia, and we will hike Saturday afternoon then head up to San Leandro for a meeting (Bob Darrell will be in town, equally bad ass.) Sunday, is the 10K AIDS Walk in SF. There's definitely not a dull moment. For that, I am truly grateful. Oh, and I get to see Joy Harjo tomorrow night at St. Paul's Episcopal :)
I think the most valuable lesson about this last month is that just because I am across the country, this does not mean everything I was dealing with in Florida has vanished... wherever I go, there I am... so I am still working on some closure stuff with a past relationship, and that is okay. I can do that today. I can walk through painful experiences, and fly at the same time. I can enjoy this beautiful life I've been given, and realize it could be over in any minute. So it's up to me to make the best of it. If that means working through old wounds to heal and find more happiness, so be it. It is what it is, and it's all good.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear