Where is my Grandma?

Close to nine years ago, I sat down with my most trusted friend, Melanie, and told her my biggest fears. At the top of the list, was my Grandma forgetting me. See, through all of the chaos of my childhood, adolescence, and young-adulthood, my Grandma was everything. She was my lighthouse to safety. She was my guide home. She was my preacher, reminding me of my roots to God, to the Methodist church, to our family, to Love. She reminded me I was her only granddaughter and she loved me completely and unconditionally. Anytime I was in trouble, she would come over and help out. Anytime mom needed help, there she was. Anytime dad had to go "away", here came Grandma. (Thank God she ministered at a small Methodist church in Monticello that allowed her the freedom of spending her weeks in Tallahassee when needed)... And when I had to go "away," she wrote me letters every Sunday after church. Sometimes sermons, sometimes Grandma-isms, sometimes just letting me know how things were going with her church members. Or with Jamie (she raised my second "brother" cousin, Jamie), and his latest girlfriend or job or whatnot. She was just there.

Today, she's there... Somewhere...

It's like grieving the living.

I was praying she was dehydrated or had a UTI or something. Anything.

But no.

This is the progression of the disease. She no longer knows she's my grandma.

She doesn't know my name.

And I don't know how to handle this. 

I know to love her. 

I know to appreciate the lucid moments and thank God I'm here when I am, but God this hurts. Someone asked me "well, didn't you expect this?" Yes. But that doesn't make the pain any less. I can't explain the pain. It's worse than any heartbreak I've ever felt. What do I do without my lighthouse? I know she's there somewhere, but this awful disease has taken her from us.

Are we incredibly blessed that she's still coherent and laughs ALL the time? Most definitely! She remembers most all her hymns and bible verses and for that, I'm grateful. She knows I matter to her. She still knows I'm somebody important in her life. So far, I'll say "I love you... A bushel and a peck" and she will say...

"And a hug around the neck..."

I'll take that and be glad for today. 

Thank God for these moments.