What a year

Every pressurized system needs a relief valve. There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension, before it becomes too much to bare. There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn't find a way out, it will make one. It will explode... It never ever lets up. It just builds and builds and builds.

- Meredith Grey

Yes, I get some amazing quotes from Shonda (writer of Grey's Anatomy and Scandal)... I also get some awesome songs from that show but that's a side note. 

I want to write for a moment about what this year has been like. Whether or not I will publish it, I'm unsure... This is the raw, unfiltered, vulnerable truth.

One year ago, I lost the "dream job" I expected to have through at least 2017. Politics, Government, budget, sequester, etc. It's ok because that got me back home for some pretty intense moments but it's still a huge life change. It took a couple of months, but I decided to move back to Tallahassee. 

I had a job lined up (half my original salary), it fell through.

I had a second masters degree lined up. It fell through. 

I was blessed enough to have a house for half rent while I began caring for Grandma, but that is still stressful.

The upside is I went to my favorite church in Tallahassee for Christmas Eve (moved back Dec 20) and joined the choir that night. I then started confirmation in January, and was confirmed in April. 

I took a job I thought I would love. It turned into hell. I took a second contract job. It is going ok, but the physical and emotional strain is wearing on me.

(Oh, I was diagnosed with a few lifetime disorders during this time as well) 

Then the deaths started happening. Three close friends. My mom's (only) brother. My paternal Grandmother. My maternal Grandfather. Two great-uncles. All in a matter of a few months. All unexpected but one. 

I won't even go in to the drama that's come out of a few of their deaths.

Then my best friend broke up with me over an assumption. Meaning she also took the kids from me (I considered them my neices and nephews).. The heartbreak of losing not only a BFF but kids too, that hurts so incredibly bad.

Oh, and physically, I'm still undergoing tests, procedures, medications that make me crazy, paying more than I can afford for COBRA, I've gained more weight than I truly know because of the medications and stress- nothing to do with my eating- and none of my clothes fit but I have no money to buy new or used clothes. A lot of that started before I moved home because one of the diagnoses happened there, and that came with steroids and birth control. I'll never recommend long term either to my worst enemy.

Oh, and Grandma forgot who I was recently.

Back to the weight thing- people assume that weight gain means someone has eaten too much or the wrong things. Screw that judgment. You have no idea. 

So yes, my pressurized valve is close to exploding. How do I deal? 

God

Photography

Music

Reiki

Prayers

Counselors (friends) 

If you're reading this, and struggling with any of the same things, ask for help. I'm doing that.

If you're on my close friends list and can see this, be gentle with me. Sit with me if I need it. Walk with me if I need it. Hug me if I need it. Or if you're a stranger, pray for me. God knows we weren't meant to walk it alone. 

The closest times I've felt like ending it all this year are when I've felt all alone. Even with the support system I've had around me, many people are often too busy to notice others struggling or to expend energy to be helpful. So always remember, be kinder than necessary. Walk around with eyes wide open. You never know, you may save a life.

Love and light

DBear