One of the reasons New Year's is my favorite times of year is because it gives me an opportunity to reflect on lessons I have learned in the past year, as well as gratitude for blessings the year has given me. I was going to write 10 lessons from 2011, but I am too anal for that :)
Lesson #1- No matter how far I travel, or how old I become, I will always need my mother. Whether it be for advice, to vent, cooking questions, or just to be here when I am ill, there is nothing like the bond between a mother and daughter. This year, we have grown closer than ever, and I am grateful.
Lesson #2- Never give up. Ever. (Unless you are giving up something that is harming yourself or another... more on that later). For this one, my biggest lesson has to come in the form of education and employment. Not giving up has led to paid tuition, health insurance, all A's this year in my graduate program, and who knows what it will lead to in the future? Many opportunities ahead for 2012 simply because I remained persistent and determined.
Lesson #3- You can let go without leaving claw marks. I learned this the hard way from leaving claw marks in times past. (I am not claiming perfection on this lesson, I just have scratched the surface- all pun intended). This year, I was given the opportunity to let go with love of a couple of friends. I did not have to fight or question it or try to fix it, I could just let go, and today we can talk without them being totally dependent on me. Now, in terms of full disclosure, I have not been able to do that with another, but that relationship is a lot deeper and has been in my life for a much longer period of time. Moving on...
Lesson #4- Always follow your heart. Not following my heart has led to a lot of questioning and anguish this year. More will be discussed on this next year, I am sure... But I am grateful for this realization as it is opening many doors for me in 2012.
Lesson #5- You can do everything in your power to be in control and still feel completely out of control... quote of the year... "my controlling natures are out of control." -Me
Lesson #6- Facebook and text messages are not an adequate substitute for real human interaction. Do you ever miss just talking on the phone for an hour with a friend, or going to coffee and really catching up? I do. It seems the world of social networking and text have robbed us of these interactions. More importantly, they have left too much room for miscommunication and losses in translation...
Lesson #7- Politicians are not gods. Therefore, any politician who judges anyone based on their sexual identity automatically loses my respect. This year has been filled with those... I will just let that one be that...
Lesson #8- No matter how much you give someone- whether it be money, gifts, attention, time, or general overall thoughtfulness- you can not make that person appreciate you. You must be confident enough in yourself to appreciate you. And if that isn't enough, just stop doing for them and they will realize what they had when you're gone :)
Lesson #9- The other thing that is "til death do you part" is life. -Me. That's it. Everything else- you have a choice to take a different path.
Lesson #10- When it seems everyone around you has changed, it may just be that you have changed. And this is okay.
Lesson #11- It is okay to be single for an entire year. It is actually the best decision one can make for themselves. I am beyond grateful I had the opportunity to spend the entire calendar year single :)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
The ego driven relationships
We have all met that person who has a "human god" in their lives... You know, one who can do no wrong, be it a son or daughter, a spouse or partner, a mentor, anyone... They idolize them and worship the ground they walk on, believing in their heart of hearts that the target of their affection is beyond human, a god of sorts, and can literally do no wrong. I typically call this a raging co-dependent state of mind. It's annoying on its best days, downright destructive on its worst.
But what about when it's the other way around? What about the person who has someone in their life that always does wrong, or at least that's their perception. They can never see the positive, even if it's right in front of their eyes... Especially if it's right in front of their eyes. Maybe they are like this out of fear? Or because they do not believe they deserve positive energy? Or because they simply want to put someone down below them, even if this person is so very close to them- especially if they are close... This type of person can be equally as destructive to their target, if not more so... I do not yet have a name for it... Raging co-dependent doesn't fit... Maybe ego maniac with an inferiority complex...
I have compassion for both types of individuals living out both sides of an unhealthy existence. Why? Because I have been there. I have been the one idolizing another; I've been the one coddled through all of my wrongs; I've been the fault finder who can find no good; and I've been the one who is subject to the wrath of a negative nancy (or Ned.) I simply had not thought of it in this way until tonight. I did know that I had the potential to live on both sides of the fence. I recently attempted to change this with one person and these attempts were refused. This led me to ponder these types of personal relations with deeper insights... What I came up with can be explained by three simple letters... Ego
See, both sides remind me of ego. One is "I can save this person by simply thinking they are the best" or "This person deserves my everything and can do no wrong because I said so" or the other side of ego: "This person does not deserve to be praised for any good they do because in my eyes, they only do wrong, an my eyes are the only set of eyes that matter." whew that's some powerful ego there.
What if I could be different? What if we all could be different? We could all see one another and ourselves for exactly as we are... Fallable human beings capable of "good" and "bad" deserving of praise, yet worthy of honest friends and family who can *gently* point out our faults. That would be humility... Seeing ourselves and each other exactly as we are. Yet where would that leave room for individual perception? That will be another blog for another time. My thoughts until then... Am I being Spiritually guided or emotionally driven?
DBear
But what about when it's the other way around? What about the person who has someone in their life that always does wrong, or at least that's their perception. They can never see the positive, even if it's right in front of their eyes... Especially if it's right in front of their eyes. Maybe they are like this out of fear? Or because they do not believe they deserve positive energy? Or because they simply want to put someone down below them, even if this person is so very close to them- especially if they are close... This type of person can be equally as destructive to their target, if not more so... I do not yet have a name for it... Raging co-dependent doesn't fit... Maybe ego maniac with an inferiority complex...
I have compassion for both types of individuals living out both sides of an unhealthy existence. Why? Because I have been there. I have been the one idolizing another; I've been the one coddled through all of my wrongs; I've been the fault finder who can find no good; and I've been the one who is subject to the wrath of a negative nancy (or Ned.) I simply had not thought of it in this way until tonight. I did know that I had the potential to live on both sides of the fence. I recently attempted to change this with one person and these attempts were refused. This led me to ponder these types of personal relations with deeper insights... What I came up with can be explained by three simple letters... Ego
See, both sides remind me of ego. One is "I can save this person by simply thinking they are the best" or "This person deserves my everything and can do no wrong because I said so" or the other side of ego: "This person does not deserve to be praised for any good they do because in my eyes, they only do wrong, an my eyes are the only set of eyes that matter." whew that's some powerful ego there.
What if I could be different? What if we all could be different? We could all see one another and ourselves for exactly as we are... Fallable human beings capable of "good" and "bad" deserving of praise, yet worthy of honest friends and family who can *gently* point out our faults. That would be humility... Seeing ourselves and each other exactly as we are. Yet where would that leave room for individual perception? That will be another blog for another time. My thoughts until then... Am I being Spiritually guided or emotionally driven?
DBear
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A letter worth reading...
I received the following in an email this morning. While I do not forward a lot of emails, this is one I wanted everybody to read! It's perfect. Recently, I posted the Rick Perry ad on my facebook page in disbelief of his comments about gays serving in the military and complaining that our kids couldn't pray in school. Me posting that (in support of all LGBT community, all military, etc) elicited some heated comments from a facebook friend who supports prayer in school. I typically do not discuss my religious beliefs or spirituality as that is personal to me. However, I do believe in freedom of religion and am not one to ever demand someone pray to Jesus or stop praying to Allah, pray in public or sport a cross. It's just not my style. I respect most all religions (the religion, not the zealot who persecutes others in the name of their religion.) So you will not see me demanding prayer in school or demanding Merry Christmas over Happy Holidays. Why? Because I know many great people who share different beliefs. Some of which have saved my life. So please read below, regardless of what you believe. Share, comment, reflect, or just forget it... But read it all first :) Open-mindedness is a beautiful thing.
P.S. Posting from iPhone so please excuse any grammatical errors
"It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.
How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for a Nativity scene on the town square because there would be so many of them all around town.
Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a Holiday Tree instead of a Christmas Tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish. I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, then look up John 15: 1 - 8.
If you are all in a twit because you can't pray in town hall, what's wrong with your closet? I'm pretty high on that one. No one is stopping you from praying. Try it when you get home. Who knows - you might like it. Remember - there is not a soul in the world who can prevent you from praying, unless of course you have a need to exhibit yourself in public.
If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:
1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need anyway, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas " that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.
9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian and get away from all this redneckreligion where you feel that people are suppose to curtsy to you because you feel you have “a corner” on Christmas. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do
what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Checkout the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love.
I LOVE YOU,
JESUS"
P.S. Posting from iPhone so please excuse any grammatical errors
"It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.
How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for a Nativity scene on the town square because there would be so many of them all around town.
Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a Holiday Tree instead of a Christmas Tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish. I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, then look up John 15: 1 - 8.
If you are all in a twit because you can't pray in town hall, what's wrong with your closet? I'm pretty high on that one. No one is stopping you from praying. Try it when you get home. Who knows - you might like it. Remember - there is not a soul in the world who can prevent you from praying, unless of course you have a need to exhibit yourself in public.
If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:
1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.
3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.
4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need anyway, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.
7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas " that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.
8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.
9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian and get away from all this redneckreligion where you feel that people are suppose to curtsy to you because you feel you have “a corner” on Christmas. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do
what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Checkout the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love.
I LOVE YOU,
JESUS"
Monday, December 12, 2011
Why cry when you can Fly
I can hardly believe it's been two weeks since writing... or should I say "only" two weeks... as so much life has occurred since my last post. I had to take a moment, many moments, to reflect.... as that is what I do. And with reflection comes gratitude. Always.
See, I have been taught to remain grateful. I used to write lists every night of things I was grateful for, today my gratitude usually comes in the form of lessons learned through whatever experiences I encounter... most of which are opportunities of growth. At times, the gratitude comes instantly. Other times, it is a matter of hindsight.
I think the one thing I keep in the forefront of my mind is that no matter what, things do improve. Regardless of how today is, tomorrow will be different. Better or worse, it will always be different. I've had a lot of those thoughts in recent weeks.
A couple of weeks ago, I was torn down by a verbal assault... literally, it was like I was on the firing line with no bullet proof vest. Not long after, I abruptly excused myself from my position at work and transferred in to another job. A few days later, finals would begin. And the night before my first (most difficult) final, my father called me letting me know my paternal grandmother (Nanny) was going home as the facility she was in could no longer help her, and Hospice was being called. Shortly thereafter, sometime during finals week, I began having a flare up of my GI issues (a ball of non-stop fiery pain is the only way to describe it), and was also an insomniac all week. Then after finals, I was able to leave Tampa to come home early, only to break down on I-75 and be stranded in Gainesville... which ended up ruining my surprise for my mother by the way, as I planned to arrive to Tallahassee in time to hear her concert at church. YET, I am so calm. (Full disclosure: last Monday, I was nearly psychotic over finals, but one break down in the midst of life's storms is okay, as long as I have a lot of support around me to ward off the hail... which I do.)
So how does one stay relatively calm? Gratitude. For me, this gratitude comes from the Spirit, but also from an army of friends and family, and a good "upbringing" on the power of reflection and clarity. I am so blessed to be able to do this... to take time and discuss with another or go inward and reflect. It truly is a priceless treasure.
What has this reflection given me? The knowledge that I do have coping skills and support around me (I was told I had none of those during that verbal assault I mentioned); the awareness of how truly blessed I am in my new position at work... I have such an appreciative boss, the freedom of working from home or while traveling, much less stress, and no drama. All of these make me grateful. I am also reminded of how blessed I am to be in graduate school, and have the brain God gave me to take my finals and ace my classes. And that I will be completely finished with my master's degree in August... for a girl who just wanted to finish my AA degree, this is truly a miracle. I am reminded that all my Nanny ever wanted was for me to succeed and find something more out of life than dead end jobs. Also, her going home has sparked some joy in her, and she is doing better than expected... gratitude in hindsight. The breaking down on the side of I-75 gave me the immediate gratitude... I was immediately aware of how blessed I am that I had a coat to keep me warm while standing outside for an hour to wait on a tow, that I was able to pull far enough off the interstate where semis would not hit me, that I did not have my cat with me (she would not have appreciated the 5 hour detour), it was not dark or raining, the break down did not happen during finals week, and I have an awesome step-dad that went to Gainesville to pick me up.... and has let me use his vehicle on top of it all! Now, I have not yet reached the "grateful to be facing $2000 in repairs" but it's progress, not perfection.
So there we have it. The miracle of gratitude. A lot of things that would make grown men cry or push the grad students to the bottles all cured with an amazing outline for living, a lot of support, and a heart filled with gratitude.
Yes, I know it's December, and last month was gratitude month, but I hope you were able to find some glimpse of this within from reading today. Most of all, I hope you Fly...
DBear
See, I have been taught to remain grateful. I used to write lists every night of things I was grateful for, today my gratitude usually comes in the form of lessons learned through whatever experiences I encounter... most of which are opportunities of growth. At times, the gratitude comes instantly. Other times, it is a matter of hindsight.
I think the one thing I keep in the forefront of my mind is that no matter what, things do improve. Regardless of how today is, tomorrow will be different. Better or worse, it will always be different. I've had a lot of those thoughts in recent weeks.
A couple of weeks ago, I was torn down by a verbal assault... literally, it was like I was on the firing line with no bullet proof vest. Not long after, I abruptly excused myself from my position at work and transferred in to another job. A few days later, finals would begin. And the night before my first (most difficult) final, my father called me letting me know my paternal grandmother (Nanny) was going home as the facility she was in could no longer help her, and Hospice was being called. Shortly thereafter, sometime during finals week, I began having a flare up of my GI issues (a ball of non-stop fiery pain is the only way to describe it), and was also an insomniac all week. Then after finals, I was able to leave Tampa to come home early, only to break down on I-75 and be stranded in Gainesville... which ended up ruining my surprise for my mother by the way, as I planned to arrive to Tallahassee in time to hear her concert at church. YET, I am so calm. (Full disclosure: last Monday, I was nearly psychotic over finals, but one break down in the midst of life's storms is okay, as long as I have a lot of support around me to ward off the hail... which I do.)
So how does one stay relatively calm? Gratitude. For me, this gratitude comes from the Spirit, but also from an army of friends and family, and a good "upbringing" on the power of reflection and clarity. I am so blessed to be able to do this... to take time and discuss with another or go inward and reflect. It truly is a priceless treasure.
What has this reflection given me? The knowledge that I do have coping skills and support around me (I was told I had none of those during that verbal assault I mentioned); the awareness of how truly blessed I am in my new position at work... I have such an appreciative boss, the freedom of working from home or while traveling, much less stress, and no drama. All of these make me grateful. I am also reminded of how blessed I am to be in graduate school, and have the brain God gave me to take my finals and ace my classes. And that I will be completely finished with my master's degree in August... for a girl who just wanted to finish my AA degree, this is truly a miracle. I am reminded that all my Nanny ever wanted was for me to succeed and find something more out of life than dead end jobs. Also, her going home has sparked some joy in her, and she is doing better than expected... gratitude in hindsight. The breaking down on the side of I-75 gave me the immediate gratitude... I was immediately aware of how blessed I am that I had a coat to keep me warm while standing outside for an hour to wait on a tow, that I was able to pull far enough off the interstate where semis would not hit me, that I did not have my cat with me (she would not have appreciated the 5 hour detour), it was not dark or raining, the break down did not happen during finals week, and I have an awesome step-dad that went to Gainesville to pick me up.... and has let me use his vehicle on top of it all! Now, I have not yet reached the "grateful to be facing $2000 in repairs" but it's progress, not perfection.
So there we have it. The miracle of gratitude. A lot of things that would make grown men cry or push the grad students to the bottles all cured with an amazing outline for living, a lot of support, and a heart filled with gratitude.
Yes, I know it's December, and last month was gratitude month, but I hope you were able to find some glimpse of this within from reading today. Most of all, I hope you Fly...
DBear
Monday, November 28, 2011
Monomania... Monday
Mondays.
Never my favorite day of the week, especially after such a long weekend. Although a weekend is really never a weekend in the eye of a student's mind, it was still nice. Only to be trampled on by Monday.
Why is it called that anyway? Monster of a day? Monumental disaster? I'm sure you get the point. Yes, I know, everyone detests Mondays. I usually do not mind them terribly. It's just today was a very bad, terrible, no good day... or however that childhood classic goes.
Speaking of childhood, that is how I feel about my Monday. Without going in to great detail, it was very much a mixture of elementary school and high school. Elementary school because I was talked to in such a condescending, belittling way, I was reduced to five year old status... and high school because of a complete mean girl squad.
As if I didn't have enough to worry about today between work tasks, school tasks, voice mails, phone calls, IRB applications, and work.. did I mention work, and working through an awful lot of physical pain at that? But no, that wasn't enough for this day, I also had to deal with a horrendous an inhumane "you suck" session.
I honestly believe there are some people who simply enjoy berating others to make themselves feel better. Fortunately, I have not been subject to many of these people recently. Until today. I guess the upside is it did not make for a Monotonous Monday. But it did make for a Mean, Malicious, Misery laden Monday.
The good news.... tomorrow will be Terrific Tuesday.
Never my favorite day of the week, especially after such a long weekend. Although a weekend is really never a weekend in the eye of a student's mind, it was still nice. Only to be trampled on by Monday.
Why is it called that anyway? Monster of a day? Monumental disaster? I'm sure you get the point. Yes, I know, everyone detests Mondays. I usually do not mind them terribly. It's just today was a very bad, terrible, no good day... or however that childhood classic goes.
Speaking of childhood, that is how I feel about my Monday. Without going in to great detail, it was very much a mixture of elementary school and high school. Elementary school because I was talked to in such a condescending, belittling way, I was reduced to five year old status... and high school because of a complete mean girl squad.
As if I didn't have enough to worry about today between work tasks, school tasks, voice mails, phone calls, IRB applications, and work.. did I mention work, and working through an awful lot of physical pain at that? But no, that wasn't enough for this day, I also had to deal with a horrendous an inhumane "you suck" session.
I honestly believe there are some people who simply enjoy berating others to make themselves feel better. Fortunately, I have not been subject to many of these people recently. Until today. I guess the upside is it did not make for a Monotonous Monday. But it did make for a Mean, Malicious, Misery laden Monday.
The good news.... tomorrow will be Terrific Tuesday.
Friday, November 25, 2011
This way or that way? Fly, Butterfly, FLY....
While yesterday was thanksgiving, this is not the aim of today's post. (Although I am grateful, every day). Today's post is simply allowing my thoughts and words flow, no holding back.
I am at this point in my life where there are so many roads I can take. Graduation approaching, internships being tossed around in my mind, opportunities to present research, publish articles, many possibilities arising at once. Odd, this whole year, I thought all of my work was for nothing. I was just an average graduate student working tirelessly to reach some obscure goal... graduate? job? PhD? publication? independent research? All of the above, I guess. Yet, everything has been somewhat slow to come to fruition.... (Disclaimer: my idea of time is likely not your idea of time, considering I want what I want and I want it yesterday.) Although I am putting future degrees on hold until I figure out where it is I want to be, and what it is I would like to be doing, I am gearing up to graduate with my MPH. With that comes where do I work? Where will I move? Should I stay in research until my next degree? If I do that, won't it interfere with NIH loan repayment? But I'd like more research experience and practical experience, can I combine the two? Arghhhhh.
Yes, that is what my mind has been like for the last three weeks. Granted, I do not graduate until August, but I must be in a field placement of my choosing soon. I also would like to have more of my "own" research under my belt before leaving. So I chip away. I take the left foot, right foot, what's in front of me to do. I thoroughly enjoy (most of) the projects I have as current jobs and all of my volunteer positions. Yet, for me it's always more, more, more. I want more. To do more. To see more. To BE more. Isn't that the basic desire? Isn't that what it tends to boil down to for most of us, especially those of us in the world of academics? Yet, when opportunities present themselves, I get scared. Sure, I said I wanted all of these things, but I didn't expect THIS, or I'm not good enough for THAT.... the life and times of self-defeating thoughts....
Today, I am letting those thoughts go and just maximizing on the opportunities given. Writing the best I can write, contributing as much to my fields as I can, thinking outside of the box, and just saying yes when once in a lifetime opportunities come my way. Because my brain may tell me all these things about me not being good enough, but my soul says go for it. My Spirit says you are good enough... when I am quiet enough to hear this, quiet enough to be still and know.... Honestly, all I really know at this moment is my God/HP/Spirit, did not bring me this far to drop me now. And that is good by me.
I am at this point in my life where there are so many roads I can take. Graduation approaching, internships being tossed around in my mind, opportunities to present research, publish articles, many possibilities arising at once. Odd, this whole year, I thought all of my work was for nothing. I was just an average graduate student working tirelessly to reach some obscure goal... graduate? job? PhD? publication? independent research? All of the above, I guess. Yet, everything has been somewhat slow to come to fruition.... (Disclaimer: my idea of time is likely not your idea of time, considering I want what I want and I want it yesterday.) Although I am putting future degrees on hold until I figure out where it is I want to be, and what it is I would like to be doing, I am gearing up to graduate with my MPH. With that comes where do I work? Where will I move? Should I stay in research until my next degree? If I do that, won't it interfere with NIH loan repayment? But I'd like more research experience and practical experience, can I combine the two? Arghhhhh.
Yes, that is what my mind has been like for the last three weeks. Granted, I do not graduate until August, but I must be in a field placement of my choosing soon. I also would like to have more of my "own" research under my belt before leaving. So I chip away. I take the left foot, right foot, what's in front of me to do. I thoroughly enjoy (most of) the projects I have as current jobs and all of my volunteer positions. Yet, for me it's always more, more, more. I want more. To do more. To see more. To BE more. Isn't that the basic desire? Isn't that what it tends to boil down to for most of us, especially those of us in the world of academics? Yet, when opportunities present themselves, I get scared. Sure, I said I wanted all of these things, but I didn't expect THIS, or I'm not good enough for THAT.... the life and times of self-defeating thoughts....
Today, I am letting those thoughts go and just maximizing on the opportunities given. Writing the best I can write, contributing as much to my fields as I can, thinking outside of the box, and just saying yes when once in a lifetime opportunities come my way. Because my brain may tell me all these things about me not being good enough, but my soul says go for it. My Spirit says you are good enough... when I am quiet enough to hear this, quiet enough to be still and know.... Honestly, all I really know at this moment is my God/HP/Spirit, did not bring me this far to drop me now. And that is good by me.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Searching the soul, becoming whole
A lot of people asked me what exactly I was doing before leaving Tampa to come to Ladybug... what retreats entail, questions of that sort.... Is it religious? A church group? What exactly is it?! Well, it's none of those things.... for me. For me, this is a time to reflect... a time to get away from all of the outside noise (as best I can) so I can examine those parts of me that are standing in the way of my Light. Those parts of me that serve as a buffer of the happiness I deserve... we all deserve. Those parts of me that cannot stay secret, that cannot recover if no light is shed upon them. That is what this weekend is about for me. There is so much more of course... great friendships, my family of sorts, loving, non-judgmental, present in one another's lives...
Throughout the course of the weekend, I examined, reflected, shared, cried many tears, laughed many laughs, a full weekend of soul surgery with the soul sisters. I had the pleasure of sitting down with one of my She-roes last night [Polly :)] and letting her know the truth I have been avoiding (After all, if I wish it away, won't it go away? yeah... right) Is it hard? Parts are. The being completely honest about these parts of me I do not wish to discuss. The parts of letting go of unhealthy relationships... that is the hardest. Because I like to walk right back into destruction. It is the norm for me. It is what I have been used to for years.
So today, I can set a new norm. I can focus on the constructive rather than the destructive. I can step away and reflect, phone a friend when I want to go back to the destruction, I can start to grow accustomed to healthy relationship. I have done this in many areas of my life. I have become accustomed to spending time alone, avoiding drama, eating daily, prioritizing my time and responsibilities.... so this is not new after all. I just have to start a new behavior, which is leaving the old behavior in the past. After all, isn't that what it's all about? Just like cleaning my house... out with the old, in with the new... and for those parts of me that are considered to be an asset, those can remain. I simply have to ask, "how's it working for me?" Keep what works, disregard the rest. And that, my friends, is what this weekend has been about for me. God, I love this way of life.
Live, Laugh, Love, FLY
Throughout the course of the weekend, I examined, reflected, shared, cried many tears, laughed many laughs, a full weekend of soul surgery with the soul sisters. I had the pleasure of sitting down with one of my She-roes last night [Polly :)] and letting her know the truth I have been avoiding (After all, if I wish it away, won't it go away? yeah... right) Is it hard? Parts are. The being completely honest about these parts of me I do not wish to discuss. The parts of letting go of unhealthy relationships... that is the hardest. Because I like to walk right back into destruction. It is the norm for me. It is what I have been used to for years.
So today, I can set a new norm. I can focus on the constructive rather than the destructive. I can step away and reflect, phone a friend when I want to go back to the destruction, I can start to grow accustomed to healthy relationship. I have done this in many areas of my life. I have become accustomed to spending time alone, avoiding drama, eating daily, prioritizing my time and responsibilities.... so this is not new after all. I just have to start a new behavior, which is leaving the old behavior in the past. After all, isn't that what it's all about? Just like cleaning my house... out with the old, in with the new... and for those parts of me that are considered to be an asset, those can remain. I simply have to ask, "how's it working for me?" Keep what works, disregard the rest. And that, my friends, is what this weekend has been about for me. God, I love this way of life.
Live, Laugh, Love, FLY
Friday, November 11, 2011
Laugher.... good for the soul
I am finally at Ladybug, my annual retreat I had to miss last year due to health conditions.. This year, I am grateful to be fully present and ready to go. I came early to spend some time with a special woman, my #1 Ladybug, Viv. Can I just say I have not laughed this hard in some time.... I cannot even remember when....I have not seen Viv in two years and we just hit it off like we were never apart. I didn't even know how much I needed this time... the non-stop laughter, hugs, and lots of love. It is true what they say about distance among friends... we can go long spans of time without seeing one another and they pick up right where they left off. For me, that's partly what these annual retreats are about. I am sure there will be new faces, and some of the regulars may not be here this year; but those of us who are here will be so excited to see each other, it will be just like no time has passed since the last encounter.
We are also on new grounds this year since my last retreat. We were always housed in Rincon and have since moved to St. Simon's. I came with the intention of missing the last place... we had a lot of good times there... but I am so in love with this place, it's an instant feeling of belonging. Besides, it doesn't really matter where our physical location is for this special weekend..being together in spirit is all that matters.
I don't have much time to write, I am sure I will be raving about this weekend all week long... for now, I will go get ready to welcome 92 ladybugs with a big smile and a big hug.
Happy 11/11/11 and most of all, Happy Veteran's Day... to the Vets and those who love our Vets :)
We are also on new grounds this year since my last retreat. We were always housed in Rincon and have since moved to St. Simon's. I came with the intention of missing the last place... we had a lot of good times there... but I am so in love with this place, it's an instant feeling of belonging. Besides, it doesn't really matter where our physical location is for this special weekend..being together in spirit is all that matters.
I don't have much time to write, I am sure I will be raving about this weekend all week long... for now, I will go get ready to welcome 92 ladybugs with a big smile and a big hug.
Happy 11/11/11 and most of all, Happy Veteran's Day... to the Vets and those who love our Vets :)
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
I am but one...
Life lessons... so difficult to learn the hard way, yet so important to learn at all. But are we really learning if we repeatedly put ourselves in the same position to learn the same lesson over and over again? Maybe. Maybe I am learning by being repeatedly beat over the head by the same lesson... learning little by little until I do not have to repeat the same mistake... Currently, this week's lesson is I cannot, and will not, be everything to everyone. More importantly, I will not allow myself to be any one person's "everything." That type of dependence can only backfire, and result in a blaze of fiery eruption. This has been my last 72 hours. 72 grueling hours of a lot of work, a lot of life, a lot of stress, a lot of tasks to complete, LIFE... with the added pressures of this lesson beating me over the head every step of the way. Not just in the form of the friendship that woke me up today, but in the form of the over-commitment, the expecting more of myself than I am capable of doing, than any human is capable of doing, the inability to set my limits before things get to that point.... you know that point where all you can do is stand outside and scream. Yes, I reached that point today. I reached that point because I did not set my limits earlier on an issue that I needed to speak up about. The lesson went further...
See, even after that point, I had more of a beating in the form of a written attack from one who made me their everything, their complete and utter dependence, and I had no clue I was in that position to begin with... I had no clue every move I made was being timestamped in their brain to bring up on this day... this, my most stressful day. I had no clue that someone considered me their close friend that did not meet their needs because quite frankly, I am trying to hold my head above water and meet my own basic needs... sleep, food, shelter, clothing, the close relationships I am able to put energy into to maintain. Which seem very few at this point. I can count on my hand (ok, maybe two hands) the number of people I am able to make "URGENT! PRIORITY!" at this moment. We haven't even spoken since the semester began. Unbeknownst to me, this person did not get the memo that I am barely hanging on. That I was moving on from this friend because I didn't have the strength or energy the friendship demanded. Another lesson, not making myself clear.
Since I did not get the memo that one individual was supposed to be on my "URGENT! PRIORITY!" list, I became target of assault. Does it hurt? Sure. What also stings a bit is the fact that I was too blind to even see I was needed, or being depended on. Makes me wonder... am I so busy going through life that I am not present in what is going on around me? Outside of work, school, family, close friends, do I not see the rest? Or does this one person think the world revolves around them so much that they feel it is simply okay to disregard what the rest of us have going on so they can speak their piece. No matter the cost of other's feelings.
Either way, lesson learned, I am one person. I do a damn good job at what I can. I do not waste my time on what I can't. Because I am worth giving myself a little bit of a time. Time to breathe, Time to take a big trip when I can, Time to stock my house with necessities at the beginning of every semester because I'm a planner and I know I will not have a moment to do it when things get crazy, Time to spend a day without answering emails, phone calls, texts, Time for Me. Is that not okay? Or does that have to go to everyone around me? No. It does not. There are others. I am nobody's God. That is my lesson. I do not have to over-commit, and if I commit to help someone, that is not til death do I part. I will do what I can whenever I can for anyone. As a matter of fact, my true friends will say, I will do everything I can to help them. When I can. And when they know I can't, they will not ask.
So those are my thoughts. God, I've missed this blog. Second post in over a month... no bueno. I will do better. Until then, friends, love to all, light to all, FLY
See, even after that point, I had more of a beating in the form of a written attack from one who made me their everything, their complete and utter dependence, and I had no clue I was in that position to begin with... I had no clue every move I made was being timestamped in their brain to bring up on this day... this, my most stressful day. I had no clue that someone considered me their close friend that did not meet their needs because quite frankly, I am trying to hold my head above water and meet my own basic needs... sleep, food, shelter, clothing, the close relationships I am able to put energy into to maintain. Which seem very few at this point. I can count on my hand (ok, maybe two hands) the number of people I am able to make "URGENT! PRIORITY!" at this moment. We haven't even spoken since the semester began. Unbeknownst to me, this person did not get the memo that I am barely hanging on. That I was moving on from this friend because I didn't have the strength or energy the friendship demanded. Another lesson, not making myself clear.
Since I did not get the memo that one individual was supposed to be on my "URGENT! PRIORITY!" list, I became target of assault. Does it hurt? Sure. What also stings a bit is the fact that I was too blind to even see I was needed, or being depended on. Makes me wonder... am I so busy going through life that I am not present in what is going on around me? Outside of work, school, family, close friends, do I not see the rest? Or does this one person think the world revolves around them so much that they feel it is simply okay to disregard what the rest of us have going on so they can speak their piece. No matter the cost of other's feelings.
Either way, lesson learned, I am one person. I do a damn good job at what I can. I do not waste my time on what I can't. Because I am worth giving myself a little bit of a time. Time to breathe, Time to take a big trip when I can, Time to stock my house with necessities at the beginning of every semester because I'm a planner and I know I will not have a moment to do it when things get crazy, Time to spend a day without answering emails, phone calls, texts, Time for Me. Is that not okay? Or does that have to go to everyone around me? No. It does not. There are others. I am nobody's God. That is my lesson. I do not have to over-commit, and if I commit to help someone, that is not til death do I part. I will do what I can whenever I can for anyone. As a matter of fact, my true friends will say, I will do everything I can to help them. When I can. And when they know I can't, they will not ask.
So those are my thoughts. God, I've missed this blog. Second post in over a month... no bueno. I will do better. Until then, friends, love to all, light to all, FLY
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Insomniac's Idiosyncrasies
Wow, I do not even want to look at my last posting date... Ok, I did.. Over a month. That wasn't what I had in mind when starting this deal. Then again, a lot of my life lately isn't exactly what I had in mind. Yet it's always eventful, never dull, so I can't complain. Unless of course it is about injury... then I can and will complain, just a little random fact about myself. As accident prone as I am, and as many bruises, broken bones, sprains, dislocations, hyperextensions, and surgeries I have endured, a few things will always remain: my relentless pursuit of happiness via physical exertion followed my shock when I encounter these set-backs coupled with my excessive "woe is me" about such setbacks. Such is life.
That only sums up the last 10 days of my existence. The rest can be attributed to an increase in my course load (12 hours grad level courses rather than 9), an increase in my work-load (3 part time positions instead of 2), and that about sums up the other 20+ days. As if I need an excuse right, it's called free time for a reason. Yet I don't have much of it going around these days. I think that setting my blog up by a daily theme set me up to slack as well... Even if I was the one that set the guidelines, I am not particularly fond of any type of guidelines. Structure, yes. Rules, no. So I will change it up and just write. I have come to realize it is the things that make me feel better that I continuously slack on... the writing daily, eating more than once a day, swimming, talking to certain friends, etc...
Knowing this doesn't change it though, doing it does. So I am starting back now. At 1:24am...
As far as the rest of this month, it really has been a lot of school, and one trip home (where I busted on rollerblades... very sad indeed). My nanny was put in the hospital the day after I got home from the last trip (see last blog), so I waited all month for a break in the schedule to go visit. I never got a real break in my schedule, but made the time to get up there. It was nice to spend time with her but the day after I got there is when I fell so the remainder of my trip was spent off of my feet. I feel it was wasted time and energy and gas money, but it was nice to at least visit with her for a couple of times, and I did get to spend 6 days with Gma which is always awesome. I was also able to work from bed and had ample time to blog... yet I didn't. If I blogged then, there would be much more kvetching than there is now.
I finally made it home to Tampa, and it's been mostly non-stop with a little bit of social time among friends, phone conversations with friends I don't see often, and a little bit of me time... yes, even if it's in the middle of the night. I've had a lot on my mind with school and decisions... future... that "f word." Trying to navigate the PhD application process (to be started yesterday o_O), decide what I really want or where I really want to be. This time last year, I was so home sick, I wanted to go back... now, I am ready to move across country. I would miss my family, but I am just ready to try some new scenery. Yet, it will likely be in my best interests academically and professionally to remain here. Time will tell. Not a lot of time to make decisions though, and this adds a lot of stress... which is why I am awake, barely, blogging in the middle of the night. Exhausted, surprised if any of this is coherent, yet sometimes you just have to write.
I do have to say this... if I ever hear anyone comment "you're just a student" to a graduate student again, especially one in an MPH program, I will have to break it down for them. May as well start now... think of what a full-time, 40 hour a week job is like... Even 50 hours a week... take that and double it. You have the life of a full time, 2nd year graduate student + three appointments (research positions) + individual research + extracurricular service activities. By all accounts, I am working about 12-16 hours a day. Yet, I am only paid for 32 hours of work. (Ok, plus tuition and insurance) So those are just my thoughts on that... had to get that out because I was reminded of the time I was called "just a student" and I was completely baffled by some peoples ignorance to the demands of higher ed.
To end the night on a more positive note... I am going to sleep now :) That's very positive for anyone who has to be around me tomorrow. Goodnight and Happy Halloween from China Doll Queen (I was a Geisha, but since my China is my queen, I renamed my outfit) Night
That only sums up the last 10 days of my existence. The rest can be attributed to an increase in my course load (12 hours grad level courses rather than 9), an increase in my work-load (3 part time positions instead of 2), and that about sums up the other 20+ days. As if I need an excuse right, it's called free time for a reason. Yet I don't have much of it going around these days. I think that setting my blog up by a daily theme set me up to slack as well... Even if I was the one that set the guidelines, I am not particularly fond of any type of guidelines. Structure, yes. Rules, no. So I will change it up and just write. I have come to realize it is the things that make me feel better that I continuously slack on... the writing daily, eating more than once a day, swimming, talking to certain friends, etc...
Knowing this doesn't change it though, doing it does. So I am starting back now. At 1:24am...
As far as the rest of this month, it really has been a lot of school, and one trip home (where I busted on rollerblades... very sad indeed). My nanny was put in the hospital the day after I got home from the last trip (see last blog), so I waited all month for a break in the schedule to go visit. I never got a real break in my schedule, but made the time to get up there. It was nice to spend time with her but the day after I got there is when I fell so the remainder of my trip was spent off of my feet. I feel it was wasted time and energy and gas money, but it was nice to at least visit with her for a couple of times, and I did get to spend 6 days with Gma which is always awesome. I was also able to work from bed and had ample time to blog... yet I didn't. If I blogged then, there would be much more kvetching than there is now.
I finally made it home to Tampa, and it's been mostly non-stop with a little bit of social time among friends, phone conversations with friends I don't see often, and a little bit of me time... yes, even if it's in the middle of the night. I've had a lot on my mind with school and decisions... future... that "f word." Trying to navigate the PhD application process (to be started yesterday o_O), decide what I really want or where I really want to be. This time last year, I was so home sick, I wanted to go back... now, I am ready to move across country. I would miss my family, but I am just ready to try some new scenery. Yet, it will likely be in my best interests academically and professionally to remain here. Time will tell. Not a lot of time to make decisions though, and this adds a lot of stress... which is why I am awake, barely, blogging in the middle of the night. Exhausted, surprised if any of this is coherent, yet sometimes you just have to write.
I do have to say this... if I ever hear anyone comment "you're just a student" to a graduate student again, especially one in an MPH program, I will have to break it down for them. May as well start now... think of what a full-time, 40 hour a week job is like... Even 50 hours a week... take that and double it. You have the life of a full time, 2nd year graduate student + three appointments (research positions) + individual research + extracurricular service activities. By all accounts, I am working about 12-16 hours a day. Yet, I am only paid for 32 hours of work. (Ok, plus tuition and insurance) So those are just my thoughts on that... had to get that out because I was reminded of the time I was called "just a student" and I was completely baffled by some peoples ignorance to the demands of higher ed.
To end the night on a more positive note... I am going to sleep now :) That's very positive for anyone who has to be around me tomorrow. Goodnight and Happy Halloween from China Doll Queen (I was a Geisha, but since my China is my queen, I renamed my outfit) Night
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Celebrating one of the strongest women I know...
This weekend, I had the opportunity to participate in something I've never participated in before- a 90th birthday. Not just any 90th birthday, but my "nanny's" 90th (my father's mother.) I was overwhelmed with emotion all weekend, none of which began flooding through me until I slowed down long enough to no longer push them out. Feelings from sadness, to gratitude, to deep respect, to awe. Why would I be sad on such an occasion? Excuse me while I Am rigorously honest here. I am sad for my Nanny. I am happy for her that she is 90 (and looks like the Queen of England, but younger!) but sad at the situations in her life right now. And sad for the life she has had to endure, but deeply respectful of all she has overcome. I am sad that Parkinson's disease is stealing her motor skills and that this tough leader of our family now has to rely on assistance. I'm amazed she still lives on her own but I know she has to get depressed. I am sad her son (my father) refused to show up for her birthday. She began to cry when I told her he loves her and is just that way. I have never seen her cry. Ever. I am sad for myself that I have to even explain this to her. I am sad I do not spend as much time with her as we did when we were younger.
I need to get to the blessings now :) I am truly blessed to have both grandmothers living and that I was able to have them and my mother and aunts and uncles in the same room. That hasn't happened in quite some time. I am grateful for all my nanny has taught me and that she finally starting saying "I love you" a few years ago. I wasn't sure for a long time. I am grateful for the things she taught me that I didn't think I wanted to know.. How to behave in church, how to be a lady, what questions you don't ask, what topics are not too be discussed, how to set a dining room table, and how to survive life... You just survive. No matter what. The last part leads into why I have such a deep respect for Nanny. Without going into more detail than she would wish, this woman has endured more tragedy and heartache than ten lifetimes should bring. She has raised 5 children nearly alone and put up with too much from most of them :) her family has endured tragedy and she puts aside her own sadness to be there for them. She is going through more medical problems than I could imagine and refuses to completely give up her independence. Most importantly, she keeps the family together even after 90 years of life. I'd be tired! But she makes calls and makes sure people know when to be where and just keeps it all together. Amazing. I am so blessed to have her as my matriarch. I know most of my friends hear me discuss my other Gma (grandma) so its due time I give props to nanny.
PS... Excuse any typos, written on my iPhone :)
I need to get to the blessings now :) I am truly blessed to have both grandmothers living and that I was able to have them and my mother and aunts and uncles in the same room. That hasn't happened in quite some time. I am grateful for all my nanny has taught me and that she finally starting saying "I love you" a few years ago. I wasn't sure for a long time. I am grateful for the things she taught me that I didn't think I wanted to know.. How to behave in church, how to be a lady, what questions you don't ask, what topics are not too be discussed, how to set a dining room table, and how to survive life... You just survive. No matter what. The last part leads into why I have such a deep respect for Nanny. Without going into more detail than she would wish, this woman has endured more tragedy and heartache than ten lifetimes should bring. She has raised 5 children nearly alone and put up with too much from most of them :) her family has endured tragedy and she puts aside her own sadness to be there for them. She is going through more medical problems than I could imagine and refuses to completely give up her independence. Most importantly, she keeps the family together even after 90 years of life. I'd be tired! But she makes calls and makes sure people know when to be where and just keeps it all together. Amazing. I am so blessed to have her as my matriarch. I know most of my friends hear me discuss my other Gma (grandma) so its due time I give props to nanny.
PS... Excuse any typos, written on my iPhone :)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Blogworthy news..Assumptions, Forgiveness, and Compassion...
So I am finally back on track (for now) with this week's news in review. I had to take today to write because some of the stories of the past couple of weeks are just infuriating, frustrating, and absurd. Thankfully, there are two stories which offset the anger and sadness I felt from reading the first two. Enjoy.... And feel free to add your own commentary..
This first story was from the 9/11. I had the priveledge of flying from Denver to Tampa that day; the good news was the flights were not full, lines were not long, and every flight ran on time. The not so fun part was the heightened security and the racial profiling that followed. I noticed at Denver airport, there were many people pulled aside and tested for explosive residue on their hands. To my surprise, there were only white males being tested (that I saw.) Then when I got home, I found this story
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44501310/
Absurd! A house wife is handcuffed for simply having the wrong color skin and sitting in the wrong seat at the wrong time. This is just infuriating. I feel sad for her and all the individuals who have encountered this type of treatment since 9/11/01. It is sad for our country. Most of our country has remained united since that tragic day, but what about those individuals who are part of our country but do not share an American heritage? Do they deserve fear?
The next story is equally absurd and has been circulating for a while, but because his execution date is fast approaching, I think it is important to raise awareness! If you have not heard of Troy Davis, he was convicted of killing a police officer in Georgia and sentenced to death in 1991. Since his trial and sentencing, several witnesses have stepped forward and say they were pressured to give the police Troy's name (one was 16 years old at the time of interrogation), and many have pointed the finger at another suspect. Yet, he is still set to be executed. I will spare the length of the story, as you can visit it on many sites and sign the petition at change.org or amnesty.uk (or Below)
Free Troy Davis
After these two stories, I must switch to a more positive side of the news. My most inspirational and uplifting blogworthy news this week is an article about a dear friend of mine, Agnes Furey. (I am late, I know... the story was published 9/3) It's her story, one of forgiving the unthinkable. Any commentary I add will fall far short of what this story deserves, so I will just say this.... YOU MUST READ IT! (see below) I have not been so touched by one article in my entire life. I am unsure if it is because I know this woman and my heart hurts for her past, or if it is because of how difficult forgiveness is for me personally... and I have never had to imagine forgiving someone for something this terrible... Either way, it is a must read. God bless you, "Miss" Agnes, I am eternally grateful to you for your friendship, compassion, and example of forgiveness...
Forgiving a Terrible Thing...
If the above doesn't work, click here for another version...
Finally, it would be remiss of me to post this week without any remembrance of 9/11, aside from the absurdity of the housewife who was handcuffed on the ten year anniversary. It is with great pride of my hometown, and my friend Aaron's dad, Jack Levine that I post the following story. It moved me to tears, and left me pondering the many, many lives and stories that must have been changed forever on 9/11/01. Whether directly or indirectly, I feel our country gained a little more unity that day, and compassion for our brothers and sisters. At least this is the case with the following 9/11 story... God bless you, Jack Levine, and to Keith and his family- bless you, wherever you are...
9/11 memory stirs compassion
This first story was from the 9/11. I had the priveledge of flying from Denver to Tampa that day; the good news was the flights were not full, lines were not long, and every flight ran on time. The not so fun part was the heightened security and the racial profiling that followed. I noticed at Denver airport, there were many people pulled aside and tested for explosive residue on their hands. To my surprise, there were only white males being tested (that I saw.) Then when I got home, I found this story
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44501310/
Absurd! A house wife is handcuffed for simply having the wrong color skin and sitting in the wrong seat at the wrong time. This is just infuriating. I feel sad for her and all the individuals who have encountered this type of treatment since 9/11/01. It is sad for our country. Most of our country has remained united since that tragic day, but what about those individuals who are part of our country but do not share an American heritage? Do they deserve fear?
The next story is equally absurd and has been circulating for a while, but because his execution date is fast approaching, I think it is important to raise awareness! If you have not heard of Troy Davis, he was convicted of killing a police officer in Georgia and sentenced to death in 1991. Since his trial and sentencing, several witnesses have stepped forward and say they were pressured to give the police Troy's name (one was 16 years old at the time of interrogation), and many have pointed the finger at another suspect. Yet, he is still set to be executed. I will spare the length of the story, as you can visit it on many sites and sign the petition at change.org or amnesty.uk (or Below)
Free Troy Davis
After these two stories, I must switch to a more positive side of the news. My most inspirational and uplifting blogworthy news this week is an article about a dear friend of mine, Agnes Furey. (I am late, I know... the story was published 9/3) It's her story, one of forgiving the unthinkable. Any commentary I add will fall far short of what this story deserves, so I will just say this.... YOU MUST READ IT! (see below) I have not been so touched by one article in my entire life. I am unsure if it is because I know this woman and my heart hurts for her past, or if it is because of how difficult forgiveness is for me personally... and I have never had to imagine forgiving someone for something this terrible... Either way, it is a must read. God bless you, "Miss" Agnes, I am eternally grateful to you for your friendship, compassion, and example of forgiveness...
Forgiving a Terrible Thing...
If the above doesn't work, click here for another version...
Finally, it would be remiss of me to post this week without any remembrance of 9/11, aside from the absurdity of the housewife who was handcuffed on the ten year anniversary. It is with great pride of my hometown, and my friend Aaron's dad, Jack Levine that I post the following story. It moved me to tears, and left me pondering the many, many lives and stories that must have been changed forever on 9/11/01. Whether directly or indirectly, I feel our country gained a little more unity that day, and compassion for our brothers and sisters. At least this is the case with the following 9/11 story... God bless you, Jack Levine, and to Keith and his family- bless you, wherever you are...
9/11 memory stirs compassion
Thursday, September 15, 2011
These things I know are true...
There will always be those who are unkind, be kind to them anyway...
People may not appreciate you for what you do, do good deeds anyway...
Your thoughtfulness may not be reciprocated, appreciate those who surround you anyway...
There will always be those who take advantage of your generosity, be helpful anyway...
Because it isn't about the recognition or the reciprocation,
It's about doing what you love, loving what you do, giving with a smile, having a grateful attitude...
Remember these things always...
Love with your whole heart,
Be Kind,
Smile...
Give of yourself,
Send a thank you note,
Write a poem,
Share a blessing,
Half a sorrow,
Apologize genuinely...
For we never know when today is our last, do not take for granted that "there's always tomorrow..."
Just my thoughts today... since I haven't written in a while. FLY
People may not appreciate you for what you do, do good deeds anyway...
Your thoughtfulness may not be reciprocated, appreciate those who surround you anyway...
There will always be those who take advantage of your generosity, be helpful anyway...
Because it isn't about the recognition or the reciprocation,
It's about doing what you love, loving what you do, giving with a smile, having a grateful attitude...
Remember these things always...
Love with your whole heart,
Be Kind,
Smile...
Give of yourself,
Send a thank you note,
Write a poem,
Share a blessing,
Half a sorrow,
Apologize genuinely...
For we never know when today is our last, do not take for granted that "there's always tomorrow..."
Just my thoughts today... since I haven't written in a while. FLY
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Back to Blogging... with a heart full of Gratitude
Wow, I am a slacker. I had a feeling that may happen once the semester got underway. In my defense, I was down with the Floridian plague last week, and am still battling some of the respiratory issues that come with that. For those of you who are unfamiliar with such a plague, it typically hits around the end of summer/early fall and consists of an overall feeling of death, marked by a throat which is more fiery than the devil's inferno, more sluggishness than a bear in dire need of hibernation, and just plain ole "ick." All of which made me want to cry. Instead, I laid in bed and tried not to die. And prayed I would get better by this past weekend, as I had big plans.... A conference in Tampa followed by a flight to Denver!! I did not make the conference, but I am happy to say I am in Colorado :) Finally. After more than a year of no "real" vacation, I have a whole week of adventure, friends, and relaxation in beautiful Colorado.
So far, my throat still burns, but no sluggishness, fever, or death. I have managed to see some amazing sights, and crossed rock climbing off my bucket list today. I am so in love with this state, as I knew I would be once I got out west. People are so laid back, the atmosphere is beautiful. The weather is breath taking (the altitude is literally breath taking), and there is so much to do and see here. I always had a hunch I didn't belong in Florida forever and I really know that now. What I do not know is when or where I will leave Florida, or if I will just be a nomad... a girl can dream, right?
There is much more to write about, but I must be responsible and take some time to catch up on reading materials for my courses. The beauty of this semester is I can take my classes anywhere, as I have a full course load online. The downside of this semester is I must spend a lot more time reading and studying and organizing than I would in the traditional classroom setting.
It is what it is, and today "it" is beautiful. One thing I realized tonight is I took traveling for granted for a long time. I also take for granted the fact that I have the ability to be in graduate school. Many people do not have these opportunities. When I remember this, I always come back to gratitude. May all be well, friends. Be grateful. And as always, remember to Fly
So far, my throat still burns, but no sluggishness, fever, or death. I have managed to see some amazing sights, and crossed rock climbing off my bucket list today. I am so in love with this state, as I knew I would be once I got out west. People are so laid back, the atmosphere is beautiful. The weather is breath taking (the altitude is literally breath taking), and there is so much to do and see here. I always had a hunch I didn't belong in Florida forever and I really know that now. What I do not know is when or where I will leave Florida, or if I will just be a nomad... a girl can dream, right?
There is much more to write about, but I must be responsible and take some time to catch up on reading materials for my courses. The beauty of this semester is I can take my classes anywhere, as I have a full course load online. The downside of this semester is I must spend a lot more time reading and studying and organizing than I would in the traditional classroom setting.
It is what it is, and today "it" is beautiful. One thing I realized tonight is I took traveling for granted for a long time. I also take for granted the fact that I have the ability to be in graduate school. Many people do not have these opportunities. When I remember this, I always come back to gratitude. May all be well, friends. Be grateful. And as always, remember to Fly
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Happy Birthday to PBear
Today is PBear's birthday!!! As I opened his letter, I had the biggest smile on my face because this week's drawing was extra special... clouds in the sky, each with part of my name in them (he affectionately refers to me as Dear Doctor Daughter Bear Carla McClellan Lewis in whatever order we choose,) and written about the clouds is a big LYPTS... Love you past the Sky. Yes, PBear, I love you way past the sky.
Then I realized it is PBear's birthday! Oh no! How did I not know this? Did I know and forget? I know he celebrates another special day later this year, but I did not know today was such a big day. Then I go back to smiles, because I received PBear mail on his birthday :) I love him. Truly.
So, PBear, if you are reading this, I will shut the committee down that tells me I am a horrible DBear, and just smile, knowing I can wish you a happy birthday from afar! Big Bear hugs to you, and LYPTS
FLY
Then I realized it is PBear's birthday! Oh no! How did I not know this? Did I know and forget? I know he celebrates another special day later this year, but I did not know today was such a big day. Then I go back to smiles, because I received PBear mail on his birthday :) I love him. Truly.
So, PBear, if you are reading this, I will shut the committee down that tells me I am a horrible DBear, and just smile, knowing I can wish you a happy birthday from afar! Big Bear hugs to you, and LYPTS
FLY
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Spotlight Tuesday! (My favorite Author...)
When I began the journey of the blogosphere, just two short weeks ago, I decided to have daily themes. I am unsure how often I will adhere to said themes, but today is spotlight Tuesday... a blog written about someone I admire, love, find interesting, or find it necessary to rave about. Today is for one of my favorite authors. She is with me almost daily... either when I am disciplined enough to read my meditation book or when I come to a challenge.... I know most often where to turn. Melody Beattie, author of numerous spiritual books (I never liked the term "self help"), namely CoDependent No More, The Language of Letting Go, and my personal favorite, 52 Weeks of Conscious Contact: Meditations for Connecting with God, Self & Others.
To list everything I love about this author would shortchange her and myself, but I will simply say she puts the most difficult, annoying, or outright disturbing life situations in a way I can handle them... by focusing on the values and lessons that come from the challenges. She combines 12 Step programs, Eastern religions, and Christian ideals into the most thought provoking and inspiring works, all of which help countless readers from all walks of life. What is most appreciated by myself is how Ms. Beattie uses her own life experiences to help others- whether it be divorce, addiction, the loss of a child, financial struggles, she does not sugar coat her own pain to spare her ego; rather, she uses these struggles to show readers how there is a way to "deal," not only "deal" but find that special place. That place which is hard to describe, but where I know I am going to be all right. The way to this place comes as she puts it... with my own twists thrown into the paraphrase... it's finding a balance between working hard and letting go; finding a place where everything is okay, even the painful times in life; allowing ourselves to leave childish behaviors behind, but become childlike; most importantly finding the place of Conscious Contact, Nirvana, contentment, whatever you would like to call it, and doing so by practicing simple values in life.
Another joy I have found is her writings are applicable to ALL. How many times have I heard people of various religions say, "I wish everyone had our religion" or of 12 step programs say, "I wish everyone had our steps?" Fortunately, everyone can have all of the ideals underlying each of these religions or programs. All it takes is discipline, inquiry into oneself, and an openness to seek and soak up the personal experiences and wisdom of a person like Melody Beattie. My days go a lot better when she joins my morning time, it's just a matter of practicing this habit on a regular basis.
It would be remiss of me not to mention who gave me my first introduction to this author. So thank you, soul sista, you know who you are. I see our relationship, and many others, flourish from incorporating these daily principles and values into our own lives.
So there you have it, my spotlight Tuesday. May you all be blessed and don't forget to FLY
To list everything I love about this author would shortchange her and myself, but I will simply say she puts the most difficult, annoying, or outright disturbing life situations in a way I can handle them... by focusing on the values and lessons that come from the challenges. She combines 12 Step programs, Eastern religions, and Christian ideals into the most thought provoking and inspiring works, all of which help countless readers from all walks of life. What is most appreciated by myself is how Ms. Beattie uses her own life experiences to help others- whether it be divorce, addiction, the loss of a child, financial struggles, she does not sugar coat her own pain to spare her ego; rather, she uses these struggles to show readers how there is a way to "deal," not only "deal" but find that special place. That place which is hard to describe, but where I know I am going to be all right. The way to this place comes as she puts it... with my own twists thrown into the paraphrase... it's finding a balance between working hard and letting go; finding a place where everything is okay, even the painful times in life; allowing ourselves to leave childish behaviors behind, but become childlike; most importantly finding the place of Conscious Contact, Nirvana, contentment, whatever you would like to call it, and doing so by practicing simple values in life.
Another joy I have found is her writings are applicable to ALL. How many times have I heard people of various religions say, "I wish everyone had our religion" or of 12 step programs say, "I wish everyone had our steps?" Fortunately, everyone can have all of the ideals underlying each of these religions or programs. All it takes is discipline, inquiry into oneself, and an openness to seek and soak up the personal experiences and wisdom of a person like Melody Beattie. My days go a lot better when she joins my morning time, it's just a matter of practicing this habit on a regular basis.
It would be remiss of me not to mention who gave me my first introduction to this author. So thank you, soul sista, you know who you are. I see our relationship, and many others, flourish from incorporating these daily principles and values into our own lives.
So there you have it, my spotlight Tuesday. May you all be blessed and don't forget to FLY
Monday, August 22, 2011
Words to live by...
Discipline. Determination. These will need to be tattooed to the backs of my eye lids for the next four months. Typically, I am a fairly disciplined and determined person. I have been able to force myself to do the unimaginable... waking up at 4am to go serve coffee to irate customers, carrying a full time course load while working multiple jobs, waking up at 4am to workout daily, even prepping for the most grueling procedures... including drinking large amounts of disgusting fluid and not eating for 48 hours in order to have a tube shoved up my rear. All because those were things I had to do at the time. Either for monetary gain, physical or emotional health, all done as a means to survive. Then there are the tasks I take on that are not related to survival in any way, I just do them because I want to. Everything I do, regardless of survival or want, I do it with a certain amount of discipline and a great amount of determination.
Today reminded me how much I value these assets in my life, and how completely necessary they will be this semester. I find myself taking a full load of online graduate level classes, working two jobs, and carrying on with other various tasks (a previous blog discussed my current "busyness" so I will spare the space.) Not only will this semester require an increased level of mental attention, it will also require the physical.
This is where I get off track. I can do the mental for prolonged periods of time. I have done it. For years. The physical is another story. I will decide I am going to eat right, clean up my lifestyle, work out on a regular basis, and this will last for about two weeks. Recently, I decided I will limit caffeine, processed foods, starches, and sugars. For the entire semester. I started on Thursday and feel great. The semester started today. I can only hope I will have the amount of determination and discipline required to carry on. Not just to "look" good, but more so to feel good, to BE healthy. To eliminate symptoms of gastritis, sugar hangovers, caffeine induced nausea, withdrawal induced migraines, etc. Because if I am going to survive the mental, I am finding I must take care of the physical.
So, friends, these are my words. Not just for today, but every day. Discipline, determination. Words to live by. Fly
Today reminded me how much I value these assets in my life, and how completely necessary they will be this semester. I find myself taking a full load of online graduate level classes, working two jobs, and carrying on with other various tasks (a previous blog discussed my current "busyness" so I will spare the space.) Not only will this semester require an increased level of mental attention, it will also require the physical.
This is where I get off track. I can do the mental for prolonged periods of time. I have done it. For years. The physical is another story. I will decide I am going to eat right, clean up my lifestyle, work out on a regular basis, and this will last for about two weeks. Recently, I decided I will limit caffeine, processed foods, starches, and sugars. For the entire semester. I started on Thursday and feel great. The semester started today. I can only hope I will have the amount of determination and discipline required to carry on. Not just to "look" good, but more so to feel good, to BE healthy. To eliminate symptoms of gastritis, sugar hangovers, caffeine induced nausea, withdrawal induced migraines, etc. Because if I am going to survive the mental, I am finding I must take care of the physical.
So, friends, these are my words. Not just for today, but every day. Discipline, determination. Words to live by. Fly
Saturday, August 20, 2011
tweedle dee, tweedle dum, and tweedle ditz
I am a day late. It seems that having a daily theme for my blogs doesn't go so well, but I can't resist adding my commentary to this week's blogworthy news stories. I can already tell that I will be including more and more political stories, as I cannot resist adding my commentary to the GOP players of late, their remarks, skewed views of our nation, and downright lunacy. Yes, there will be 15 months of news stories reporting on each white-house hopeful, and I am sure each of them will have adequate time to apologize for harmful statements and/or mistakes, but I must take my time to comment. It's just who I am... So this week in the news is dedicated to some of these individuals...
Rick Santorum- I thought I would like him. I really did. After all, he agrees that the middle class has basically been screwed by the current HDIC- Head (insert your choice of expletive) In Charge- but Rick Santorum went a lot further than protesting lies and corruption. He has said the decline of our country can be attributed to arguments over marriage (same-sex) and abortion... well, well, well, Rick, I did not realize those who were fighting for same sex marriage are also the ones who cheat on their taxes, commit fraud, steal from the elderly, etc. etc. Oh yeah, they don't! The fiscally corrupt are on your side representing congress and running the state of Florida (Rick Scott, for one...)
Rick Perry- What is it about the name "Rick" ugh. This guy cannot be direct to save his life. He would be okay with same sex marriage, yet would also be okay with changing the constitution to add the wording "hetrosexual" to the definition of marriage. Lies, lies, lies. What can we expect from a guy who leads a "religious group" and is trying to combine organized religion with politics... Scary.
Michele Bachman- This woman cannot possibly be as dumb as she appears. Celebrating Elvis' birthday on the anniversary of his death? And claim that you are a Doctor? PhD does not equal JD, does it? This one just continues to baffle me. I think she needs new staff members to help her out, or she could just keep shooting herself in the foot, which is fine with me. Honestly, this woman scares me more than any of them. I pray the American people will see right through her.
So that's all I've got today. The rest of my day will be dedicated to cooking, cleaning, rollerblading, and relaxing. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and as always, remember to FLY
Rick Santorum- I thought I would like him. I really did. After all, he agrees that the middle class has basically been screwed by the current HDIC- Head (insert your choice of expletive) In Charge- but Rick Santorum went a lot further than protesting lies and corruption. He has said the decline of our country can be attributed to arguments over marriage (same-sex) and abortion... well, well, well, Rick, I did not realize those who were fighting for same sex marriage are also the ones who cheat on their taxes, commit fraud, steal from the elderly, etc. etc. Oh yeah, they don't! The fiscally corrupt are on your side representing congress and running the state of Florida (Rick Scott, for one...)
Rick Perry- What is it about the name "Rick" ugh. This guy cannot be direct to save his life. He would be okay with same sex marriage, yet would also be okay with changing the constitution to add the wording "hetrosexual" to the definition of marriage. Lies, lies, lies. What can we expect from a guy who leads a "religious group" and is trying to combine organized religion with politics... Scary.
Michele Bachman- This woman cannot possibly be as dumb as she appears. Celebrating Elvis' birthday on the anniversary of his death? And claim that you are a Doctor? PhD does not equal JD, does it? This one just continues to baffle me. I think she needs new staff members to help her out, or she could just keep shooting herself in the foot, which is fine with me. Honestly, this woman scares me more than any of them. I pray the American people will see right through her.
So that's all I've got today. The rest of my day will be dedicated to cooking, cleaning, rollerblading, and relaxing. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and as always, remember to FLY
Thursday, August 18, 2011
PBear Mail- perfectly on time...
YES, what a great morning! I saved my PBear letter to read this morning for a change, as an attempt to start my day off on a better note... this week has been just a weird week, so I thought his letter in the morning would help. It most certainly did. As always.
The synchronicity of my life and the life of my Bear never ceases to amaze me... we rarely speak on the phone, he does not facebook or email, we simply have our weekly letters to one another... yet he always writes exactly what I need to read. Without fail. It is almost as if there is a recording device in my brain with a livefeed to my PBear's heart... this would be a scary thought! No heart attacks allowed :)
So today... I actually woke up feeling decent. I checked my facebook feed while having my tea... I will write about my switching from coffee to tea when it actually sticks... before sitting down with my letter, pad of paper, and pen. I typically check my facebook feed for news or traffic, but I noticed a childhood friend had quoted the Shack... "Life takes a little bit of time and a lot of relationship." Now I have not seen references to the Shack in over a year. But this quote seemed appropriate. So I was ready to write it in my response to PBear letter.
First, I had to read the letter. Lo and behold, PBear mentions the Shack in his letter... "..if anything matters, then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the Universe changes. Every time you reach out to touch a heart or a life, the world changes. With every kindness or service, seen or unseen, God's purposes are accomplished and nothing will be the same again." (THE SHACK... sounds like Ram Dass as PBear says)...
Not only is this interesting that he would mention this at a time I need to hear this, the fact that he is reading the Shack is the kicker. He and I are so similar when it comes to organized religion and sometimes share each others cynicism. See, it took me quite some time to read the Shack because I had this preconceived idea and notion that it would be like church, or confuse me, condemn me, and chastise. Those of you who have read this book know that this is nowhere near the case. Those of you who have not read the book, please do. Here's a very small giveaway- God is a large, black woman called "Poppa" and Jesus is a Palestinian labor, and the Holy Spirit is sort of Hindu... if this doesn't scream open-mindedness, I am not sure what will! Read it :)
Back to the quotes mentioned, I must reflect on PBear's quote... from the Shack... At first, I was thinking, that's what I need to do... I need to re-read the Shack. Which maybe I do. But then I thought, let me re-read the quote... yes. This is it. This is what has been lacking in my life lately. Reaching out, taking an action, being kind. Sure, I do this in some ways, but not nearly as much as I once did. I remember the days where I was of service every single day... my life felt complete, I felt accomplished, I was seeing others grow and glow. Maybe what has been missing since I moved to Tampa is I have substituted that with work, graduate school, TV time with China (hey, don't judge), general activities that revolve around me and not enough activities that revolve around you... or you... or you... You get the point. So thank you to PBear and the Shack this morning for opening my eyes. I will return to my "helper" roots one way or another. For this is when the world changes, my inner world, and outer world, this is when purpose is accomplished...
Speaking of, this was my quote to myself today... it just appeared... "It seems we are overly distracted by personalities and politics when really we shall be eagerly directed by principles and purpose" Again... the timing... very good stuff
FLY <3
The synchronicity of my life and the life of my Bear never ceases to amaze me... we rarely speak on the phone, he does not facebook or email, we simply have our weekly letters to one another... yet he always writes exactly what I need to read. Without fail. It is almost as if there is a recording device in my brain with a livefeed to my PBear's heart... this would be a scary thought! No heart attacks allowed :)
So today... I actually woke up feeling decent. I checked my facebook feed while having my tea... I will write about my switching from coffee to tea when it actually sticks... before sitting down with my letter, pad of paper, and pen. I typically check my facebook feed for news or traffic, but I noticed a childhood friend had quoted the Shack... "Life takes a little bit of time and a lot of relationship." Now I have not seen references to the Shack in over a year. But this quote seemed appropriate. So I was ready to write it in my response to PBear letter.
First, I had to read the letter. Lo and behold, PBear mentions the Shack in his letter... "..if anything matters, then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the Universe changes. Every time you reach out to touch a heart or a life, the world changes. With every kindness or service, seen or unseen, God's purposes are accomplished and nothing will be the same again." (THE SHACK... sounds like Ram Dass as PBear says)...
Not only is this interesting that he would mention this at a time I need to hear this, the fact that he is reading the Shack is the kicker. He and I are so similar when it comes to organized religion and sometimes share each others cynicism. See, it took me quite some time to read the Shack because I had this preconceived idea and notion that it would be like church, or confuse me, condemn me, and chastise. Those of you who have read this book know that this is nowhere near the case. Those of you who have not read the book, please do. Here's a very small giveaway- God is a large, black woman called "Poppa" and Jesus is a Palestinian labor, and the Holy Spirit is sort of Hindu... if this doesn't scream open-mindedness, I am not sure what will! Read it :)
Back to the quotes mentioned, I must reflect on PBear's quote... from the Shack... At first, I was thinking, that's what I need to do... I need to re-read the Shack. Which maybe I do. But then I thought, let me re-read the quote... yes. This is it. This is what has been lacking in my life lately. Reaching out, taking an action, being kind. Sure, I do this in some ways, but not nearly as much as I once did. I remember the days where I was of service every single day... my life felt complete, I felt accomplished, I was seeing others grow and glow. Maybe what has been missing since I moved to Tampa is I have substituted that with work, graduate school, TV time with China (hey, don't judge), general activities that revolve around me and not enough activities that revolve around you... or you... or you... You get the point. So thank you to PBear and the Shack this morning for opening my eyes. I will return to my "helper" roots one way or another. For this is when the world changes, my inner world, and outer world, this is when purpose is accomplished...
Speaking of, this was my quote to myself today... it just appeared... "It seems we are overly distracted by personalities and politics when really we shall be eagerly directed by principles and purpose" Again... the timing... very good stuff
FLY <3
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Balance
My word of the week is Balance...
Balance: n. 1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight or amount. 2. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.
Wow. As much as I use this word, I was surprised by definition #2, and how much I actually crave that. To some, I seem to have this steadiness and calm behavior and judgment in my life; to others, the know how "off the wall" I can be.
The reason for choosing this word was twofold. I was thinking about how much the ropes course this weekend required balance. At one point in my life, I had zero (physical) balance. I would attempt to stand on one leg and I would immediately lose it. Things have changed a great deal. I can now stand on one leg for an extraordinary amount of time. How did I get there? Practice. Practice. Practice. I took yoga, I trained in the gym, I used the stability ball, I used the half ball (that is my favorite.) At times, I would fall, in front of others, and feel embarrassed. Yet, I kept practicing. Thank goodness I did, as I would have not been able to do parts of the ropes course without said balance.
The behavioral and emotional balance is my main challenge. There's the balance of my life activities and the balance of my emotions. I am hoping with practice, I can become as "skilled" in these areas as I am in the physical, but I question when this day will come.
Yesterday, I was looking at my fall schedule. I will be in full time online graduate classes, working 30 hours a week (two different projects), volunteering on another project, heading up the BHSO (the organization I decided to become president of... smart one), working on our local tasks forces, and attempting to take a couple of trips... one for a professional conference, one for a serenity weekend, and hopefully a couple of football games. Oh, and I will attempt to eat right, exercise, and sleep with this schedule. The funny thing is, I never once considered these ALL together when signing up for all of the above. I didn't consider the whole plate and what might cause it to tip over. This seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life. I get excited about various tasks, I sign up, for them all, then I sit down and look at my life and say "Oh crap, what happened?" Yes. Balance is missing. Suggestions? Other than an amazing organizer and calendar alerts...
I just realized the emotional balance ties into all of the above. If I am on an even keel emotionally, I would probably not get in these "tackle the world spots," nor would I sit down one day and be overwhelmed by all I decided to tackle. The emotionally balanced person would more than likely evaluate these things as they come, and not decide on pure emotion. They would learn to think rationally... Maybe? Who knows.
Today, I just know I will be attempting some balance in my life. I will be pulling out the schedules, adjusting them all, keeping my "me" time in there somewhere, and prioritizing my life. I must. After all, I would like to survive graduate school, balanced and steady, and continue to Fly...
Balance: n. 1. a state of equilibrium or equipoise; equal distribution of weight or amount. 2. mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.
Wow. As much as I use this word, I was surprised by definition #2, and how much I actually crave that. To some, I seem to have this steadiness and calm behavior and judgment in my life; to others, the know how "off the wall" I can be.
The reason for choosing this word was twofold. I was thinking about how much the ropes course this weekend required balance. At one point in my life, I had zero (physical) balance. I would attempt to stand on one leg and I would immediately lose it. Things have changed a great deal. I can now stand on one leg for an extraordinary amount of time. How did I get there? Practice. Practice. Practice. I took yoga, I trained in the gym, I used the stability ball, I used the half ball (that is my favorite.) At times, I would fall, in front of others, and feel embarrassed. Yet, I kept practicing. Thank goodness I did, as I would have not been able to do parts of the ropes course without said balance.
The behavioral and emotional balance is my main challenge. There's the balance of my life activities and the balance of my emotions. I am hoping with practice, I can become as "skilled" in these areas as I am in the physical, but I question when this day will come.
Yesterday, I was looking at my fall schedule. I will be in full time online graduate classes, working 30 hours a week (two different projects), volunteering on another project, heading up the BHSO (the organization I decided to become president of... smart one), working on our local tasks forces, and attempting to take a couple of trips... one for a professional conference, one for a serenity weekend, and hopefully a couple of football games. Oh, and I will attempt to eat right, exercise, and sleep with this schedule. The funny thing is, I never once considered these ALL together when signing up for all of the above. I didn't consider the whole plate and what might cause it to tip over. This seems to be an ongoing pattern in my life. I get excited about various tasks, I sign up, for them all, then I sit down and look at my life and say "Oh crap, what happened?" Yes. Balance is missing. Suggestions? Other than an amazing organizer and calendar alerts...
I just realized the emotional balance ties into all of the above. If I am on an even keel emotionally, I would probably not get in these "tackle the world spots," nor would I sit down one day and be overwhelmed by all I decided to tackle. The emotionally balanced person would more than likely evaluate these things as they come, and not decide on pure emotion. They would learn to think rationally... Maybe? Who knows.
Today, I just know I will be attempting some balance in my life. I will be pulling out the schedules, adjusting them all, keeping my "me" time in there somewhere, and prioritizing my life. I must. After all, I would like to survive graduate school, balanced and steady, and continue to Fly...
Weekend recap
So my weekend was not spent blogging, nor did I post yesterday, so I will have to catch up.. I've already been called a slacker. Truth is, I am home from work sick today and don't really know what to do with my time, so may as well blog
This weekend was fabulous. I have a special red headed angel in my life and she was able to come to Tampa. She is 8 and reminds me how awesome spending time with children is and how good of a mom I will (ONE DAY) be, but also that today is not that day. She reminds me how innocent we seem to start out in this life and how an inquisitive mind is always curious, always questioning, always in awe... I love that.
Our weekend consisted of a lot of swim time, a trip to the zoo, more swim time, movies, and a trip to the ropes course at MOSI. It completely baffles me how the children at the ropes course seem to have no fear whatsoever and us adults hesitate when it starts to get scary and uncomfortable. Maybe this is how I have become so "set in my ways" the older I get, because I like comfort. I like knowing and feeling like I have an iota of control. Ok, a lot of control. So I allowed myself to be free this weekend, and allowed Brei to be free this weekend, to do whatever she wanted to do and live it up. I have to say, it was one of the greatest weekends since living here.
So that was my weekend, there is much more, but I have Monday and Tuesday to catch up on as well. I know Saturday and Sunday were for creative/inspiring days, so I will have to come back to this post later and add some pictures with a few Carla's creative twists to them. As far as my inspiration, that came from my red headed angel. She inspires me to be better, to do better. To quit smoking, to let go, to be free. And, possibly, to one day have children of my own. In the mean time, I am considering big brothers/big sisters, or guardian ad litem... just have to make sure I can commit the time to taking on such a task before signing up. More will be revealed.
Grateful I took this weekend to FLY <3
This weekend was fabulous. I have a special red headed angel in my life and she was able to come to Tampa. She is 8 and reminds me how awesome spending time with children is and how good of a mom I will (ONE DAY) be, but also that today is not that day. She reminds me how innocent we seem to start out in this life and how an inquisitive mind is always curious, always questioning, always in awe... I love that.
Our weekend consisted of a lot of swim time, a trip to the zoo, more swim time, movies, and a trip to the ropes course at MOSI. It completely baffles me how the children at the ropes course seem to have no fear whatsoever and us adults hesitate when it starts to get scary and uncomfortable. Maybe this is how I have become so "set in my ways" the older I get, because I like comfort. I like knowing and feeling like I have an iota of control. Ok, a lot of control. So I allowed myself to be free this weekend, and allowed Brei to be free this weekend, to do whatever she wanted to do and live it up. I have to say, it was one of the greatest weekends since living here.
So that was my weekend, there is much more, but I have Monday and Tuesday to catch up on as well. I know Saturday and Sunday were for creative/inspiring days, so I will have to come back to this post later and add some pictures with a few Carla's creative twists to them. As far as my inspiration, that came from my red headed angel. She inspires me to be better, to do better. To quit smoking, to let go, to be free. And, possibly, to one day have children of my own. In the mean time, I am considering big brothers/big sisters, or guardian ad litem... just have to make sure I can commit the time to taking on such a task before signing up. More will be revealed.
Grateful I took this weekend to FLY <3
Friday, August 12, 2011
This week in the news...
Friday's theme is my top 5 (or 10 if I am feeling ambitious) news stories...
Everyone can already expect politics to be in these posts, but I will have 15 months to blog on that topic, so I will refrain.... Ok, maybe not...
#5. Iowa. Wow... talk about a headache. If this is all the GOP has to offer, the conservatives are in trouble. There are a couple I could deal with... Ron Paul, possibly Herman (I need to study him more), and I like Santorum's quote "leadership over showmanship" but that is all last night seemed to be.. showmanship.. Not who will do what and how, but what isn't being done now... complain, complain, complain... and one of the frontrunners is in Congress and has the power to change the economy NOW... so why isn't she? Because she is being submissive to her husband? Because she is too focused on "conversion therapy" for gays? Because she is too busy covering up her lies about receiving federal funding or ignoring those questions? God bless the good ol USA... Oh, and I will not even begin to speak of Gov. Perry, the "minister" who will announce his candidacy on Saturday... are we in church? Or are we focusing on government? Nothing against the church, but I am all about separation...
#4. Facebook has access to our contact list... Are we that surprised? Facebook knows everything about us. My advice: do the best you can to remove your numbers from lists, keep your network secure, and may the force be with you...
#3. True story... olympic hopeful is kicked off of U.S. ski team for urinating on an 11 year old girl. Yes. 18 year old Robert "Sandy" Vietz was too drunk to make it to the restroom on a flight from Portland to NY and peed on a sleeping child. Wow. Was he kicked off for drunkenness or for urinating? You decide... "I was drunk. I did not realize I was 'pissing' on her leg" ... Nice choice of words buddy. You get my top 5 because of the "shocker" fact. Enjoy your future... and if drinking continues to be a problem, find the nearest AA meeting..
#2. The Postal Service may be cutting another 120,000 jobs. The reason this is in my top 5 is because the postal service was good to my father. They employeed many Vietnam Vets when they came back and I hate to see them struggling like this. Also, I rely on my PBear every Wednesday and do not wish to suffer any delays :)
#1. For this week's #1 story, which just blows my mind, 30 US soldiers killed in Afghanistan after their helicopter was shot down... the kicker... this helicopter was carrying members of the Seals 6 (same team credited for "getting" bin Laden.) At first, I thought, is this some kind of universal karma? Or is it more? Was there a conspiracy? Or was it just wrong place, wrong time? I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts of this one!
And that's my 5 blogworthy news stories of the week. I could add much more, but I have house cleaning to do and company coming in town. So feel free to comment. If you do not have a google account, you can always post as "anonymous" and sign your name. Or not. Up to you.
As always, have a great day, and don't forget to FLY <3
Everyone can already expect politics to be in these posts, but I will have 15 months to blog on that topic, so I will refrain.... Ok, maybe not...
#5. Iowa. Wow... talk about a headache. If this is all the GOP has to offer, the conservatives are in trouble. There are a couple I could deal with... Ron Paul, possibly Herman (I need to study him more), and I like Santorum's quote "leadership over showmanship" but that is all last night seemed to be.. showmanship.. Not who will do what and how, but what isn't being done now... complain, complain, complain... and one of the frontrunners is in Congress and has the power to change the economy NOW... so why isn't she? Because she is being submissive to her husband? Because she is too focused on "conversion therapy" for gays? Because she is too busy covering up her lies about receiving federal funding or ignoring those questions? God bless the good ol USA... Oh, and I will not even begin to speak of Gov. Perry, the "minister" who will announce his candidacy on Saturday... are we in church? Or are we focusing on government? Nothing against the church, but I am all about separation...
#4. Facebook has access to our contact list... Are we that surprised? Facebook knows everything about us. My advice: do the best you can to remove your numbers from lists, keep your network secure, and may the force be with you...
#3. True story... olympic hopeful is kicked off of U.S. ski team for urinating on an 11 year old girl. Yes. 18 year old Robert "Sandy" Vietz was too drunk to make it to the restroom on a flight from Portland to NY and peed on a sleeping child. Wow. Was he kicked off for drunkenness or for urinating? You decide... "I was drunk. I did not realize I was 'pissing' on her leg" ... Nice choice of words buddy. You get my top 5 because of the "shocker" fact. Enjoy your future... and if drinking continues to be a problem, find the nearest AA meeting..
#2. The Postal Service may be cutting another 120,000 jobs. The reason this is in my top 5 is because the postal service was good to my father. They employeed many Vietnam Vets when they came back and I hate to see them struggling like this. Also, I rely on my PBear every Wednesday and do not wish to suffer any delays :)
#1. For this week's #1 story, which just blows my mind, 30 US soldiers killed in Afghanistan after their helicopter was shot down... the kicker... this helicopter was carrying members of the Seals 6 (same team credited for "getting" bin Laden.) At first, I thought, is this some kind of universal karma? Or is it more? Was there a conspiracy? Or was it just wrong place, wrong time? I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts of this one!
And that's my 5 blogworthy news stories of the week. I could add much more, but I have house cleaning to do and company coming in town. So feel free to comment. If you do not have a google account, you can always post as "anonymous" and sign your name. Or not. Up to you.
As always, have a great day, and don't forget to FLY <3
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Lesson of the week... more of a ponderable really...
This week's lesson is one I probably learn every week... Or at least think on every week...
"Textversation..."
is not a reliable method of communication,
and should not be treated as such...
Can lead to rounds and rounds of confusion...
rather than real, genuine conversation...
How many times does someone misread a text, or have their text misunderstood? The tone, inflection, just missing punctuation can make all the difference in the world. Not to mention the fact that a text is not guaranteed... when I am talking to someone, I know they are there. I know they hear me. I do not have to assume they are reading the text and hesitating or ignoring me. I get an automatic answer. Texts? Those can take hours. That then leads to more uncertainty... did I say something wrong? Are they ignoring me? Did they get my text? Did I send it to the wrong person? My goodness, the madness!
So my question is this... why do we use them so much? Is it the convenience factor? Is it a way to "hide" behind your wall of cellular device? Is it a way to multitask when we can't "talk" on the phone? Whatever the reason, I personally rely on texts way too much. I set myself up to be placed in awkward situations, to be put off, or put others off, to be misunderstood, or misunderstand others, all because it's available and easy. So why not take a minute to actually call? Why not skype or facetime? This is much more personal a method of communication.
While typing this, I am realizing this has turned in to more of a weekly "ponderable" than a weekly "lesson" but I know one thing is for sure... I am no longer going to allow texts to have so much power over my life... I want to be present in others lives and wish for their presence as well... so call. Take time to sit still and draft a letter. Send a card. Skype. Facetime. But let's all give the world of text a break.
Whatever your thoughts about texts, I hope take away the following from tonight's post: enjoy those you love near and far, respect one another, be kind... and as always, don't forget to FLY <3
P.S. I must say, I do have some hysterical textversations with some of my besties, and even some moving, inspirational ones.... but there is often a "pitfall beyond the payoff"... hey, I will have to use that more often... pitfall beyond the pitfall... ok good night :)
"Textversation..."
is not a reliable method of communication,
and should not be treated as such...
Can lead to rounds and rounds of confusion...
rather than real, genuine conversation...
How many times does someone misread a text, or have their text misunderstood? The tone, inflection, just missing punctuation can make all the difference in the world. Not to mention the fact that a text is not guaranteed... when I am talking to someone, I know they are there. I know they hear me. I do not have to assume they are reading the text and hesitating or ignoring me. I get an automatic answer. Texts? Those can take hours. That then leads to more uncertainty... did I say something wrong? Are they ignoring me? Did they get my text? Did I send it to the wrong person? My goodness, the madness!
So my question is this... why do we use them so much? Is it the convenience factor? Is it a way to "hide" behind your wall of cellular device? Is it a way to multitask when we can't "talk" on the phone? Whatever the reason, I personally rely on texts way too much. I set myself up to be placed in awkward situations, to be put off, or put others off, to be misunderstood, or misunderstand others, all because it's available and easy. So why not take a minute to actually call? Why not skype or facetime? This is much more personal a method of communication.
While typing this, I am realizing this has turned in to more of a weekly "ponderable" than a weekly "lesson" but I know one thing is for sure... I am no longer going to allow texts to have so much power over my life... I want to be present in others lives and wish for their presence as well... so call. Take time to sit still and draft a letter. Send a card. Skype. Facetime. But let's all give the world of text a break.
Whatever your thoughts about texts, I hope take away the following from tonight's post: enjoy those you love near and far, respect one another, be kind... and as always, don't forget to FLY <3
P.S. I must say, I do have some hysterical textversations with some of my besties, and even some moving, inspirational ones.... but there is often a "pitfall beyond the payoff"... hey, I will have to use that more often... pitfall beyond the pitfall... ok good night :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
PBEAR MAIL!!!!
I have 28 more minutes to post today's theme: PBear Mail Day...
I did not post last week because of a series of events leading me to receive my PBear mail on Sunday, rather than Wednesday (see a previous blog post about this..) Today, Wednesday, August 10, 2011, my mail came on time, I received said mail on time, and all is again right with the world! Excuse the excessive use of commas.
So who is this PBear and what is the deal with PBear Mail Days?
PBear is Mike Wing Lewis, affectionately referred to by myself as PBear... which is Father Bear shortened to Papa Bear, shortened to Bear... his friends call him Bear. I called him Bear until he lovingly accepted me into his clan and named me his daughter bear last May. He did this through an unforgettable ceremony of the passing down of the warrior's necklace, which has a novel's worth of stories to tell on its own, I am sure. Long story short, this necklace has gone through generations of warriors in my PBear's native family, and I am honored to be the first non-blood, and female, "relative" to receive this priceless gift. This gift goes much deeper than the necklace, the gift goes to the heart of what this necklace means... strength, Spirit, guidance, wisdom, Love, connectedness... I could go on and on here...
I can share much more of PBear later, but I will start with our letters. When I moved to Tampa last summer, I was terribly frightened. I was homesick. I was absolutely unsure of what I was doing and how I ended up making this decision to move. PBear had to know this, and he took it upon himself to begin sending me letters. Hand written letters. Delivered via "snail mail." These are my love letters from Bear. My belief in pure, absolute, altruistic, love. My little glimpse of wisdom that can only be earned from decades of a difficult life, and triumphs through unbelievable struggles, which PBear has overcome... not only has he earned such wisdom... wisdom of a warrior... but he is willing to pass it on to an unsure, hesitant, questioning pupil like myself.
Each week, he sits down on a Sunday morning, writes his letter to me, and I receive them on Wednesdays (most always); I then write him Wednesday night (or Thursday morning if I am slacking) and he receives my letters on Saturdays (most always.) It has been over a year and this has been the one constant in this completely changing universe which is life as a graduate student. This is the constant that reminds me to slow down, to enjoy the "real" things in life, to appreciate that which cannot be bought or sold, to take time to contemplate the life lessons, and to reciprocate a love which I wasn't even sure I could live up to. This week's letter was actually about this... what the writing has done for us. What this dance of love and flow of letters has given us... how deeply impacted each of us are by this ongoing commitment to ourselves and to one another. And how he is intrigued by my commitment to myself in joining the blogosphere :)
So there we have it friends. This is my first PBear post, with many more to come. I have all of his letters in a special place and hope to one day compile them together in a novel. One day... Until that day, I hope my friends will continue to join me in Carla's Corner.
And as always, don't forget to FLY <3
I did not post last week because of a series of events leading me to receive my PBear mail on Sunday, rather than Wednesday (see a previous blog post about this..) Today, Wednesday, August 10, 2011, my mail came on time, I received said mail on time, and all is again right with the world! Excuse the excessive use of commas.
So who is this PBear and what is the deal with PBear Mail Days?
PBear is Mike Wing Lewis, affectionately referred to by myself as PBear... which is Father Bear shortened to Papa Bear, shortened to Bear... his friends call him Bear. I called him Bear until he lovingly accepted me into his clan and named me his daughter bear last May. He did this through an unforgettable ceremony of the passing down of the warrior's necklace, which has a novel's worth of stories to tell on its own, I am sure. Long story short, this necklace has gone through generations of warriors in my PBear's native family, and I am honored to be the first non-blood, and female, "relative" to receive this priceless gift. This gift goes much deeper than the necklace, the gift goes to the heart of what this necklace means... strength, Spirit, guidance, wisdom, Love, connectedness... I could go on and on here...
I can share much more of PBear later, but I will start with our letters. When I moved to Tampa last summer, I was terribly frightened. I was homesick. I was absolutely unsure of what I was doing and how I ended up making this decision to move. PBear had to know this, and he took it upon himself to begin sending me letters. Hand written letters. Delivered via "snail mail." These are my love letters from Bear. My belief in pure, absolute, altruistic, love. My little glimpse of wisdom that can only be earned from decades of a difficult life, and triumphs through unbelievable struggles, which PBear has overcome... not only has he earned such wisdom... wisdom of a warrior... but he is willing to pass it on to an unsure, hesitant, questioning pupil like myself.
Each week, he sits down on a Sunday morning, writes his letter to me, and I receive them on Wednesdays (most always); I then write him Wednesday night (or Thursday morning if I am slacking) and he receives my letters on Saturdays (most always.) It has been over a year and this has been the one constant in this completely changing universe which is life as a graduate student. This is the constant that reminds me to slow down, to enjoy the "real" things in life, to appreciate that which cannot be bought or sold, to take time to contemplate the life lessons, and to reciprocate a love which I wasn't even sure I could live up to. This week's letter was actually about this... what the writing has done for us. What this dance of love and flow of letters has given us... how deeply impacted each of us are by this ongoing commitment to ourselves and to one another. And how he is intrigued by my commitment to myself in joining the blogosphere :)
So there we have it friends. This is my first PBear post, with many more to come. I have all of his letters in a special place and hope to one day compile them together in a novel. One day... Until that day, I hope my friends will continue to join me in Carla's Corner.
And as always, don't forget to FLY <3
Spotlight Tuesday... A day late..
Tuesday’s blog theme is “spotlight” day, and since I didn’t get around to it yesterday, I am posting it today… My spotlight day will be a weekly post dedicated to a person I choose… one whom I admire, look up to, appreciate, or just feel like posting about.
Naturally, my first spotlight post must be my mother. My mother and I are best friends. This is an amazing thing, especially considering we would never have seen this in our future a few years ago. Truthfully, if you asked me 10-15 years ago if my mother would be my best friend, I would say no way. If you asked her, she probably would have said her daughter might not be alive in 10-15 years. I was rebellious, horrendous, and “wild child” would not do me justice. Yet, my mother stuck by me. She always has.
My mom has a knack for giving people the benefit of the doubt and can be loyal to a fault. She stayed with my father for years past what I would have, simply to keep our family together. She stayed present for my brother and me, when I would have run away. She worked two jobs our whole lives to help us have the best life can offer, whether that be education, food, clothes, shelter, cars, extra curricular activities, summer camps, whatever… she provided. To this day, she sends me care packages, unexpected notes, coupons, and the like. Every time she visits Tampa, she cooks and cooks some more.
Regardless of all of the material goods, my mother gives love unconditionally, compassion, and a listening ear. I can call her day or night and she is there to listen. She does not judge, she simply listens and shares her experience. One of the best things about my mother is she is not only a mother to her biological children, she is an adopted mother to almost every one of our friends. Holiday meals, birthday dinners, just a nice place to spend time, with good company and love, my mother does it all.
She also gives back to the community, adopts other families, is a member to more organizations than I could possibly list, and is simply one of the most selfless people I know. She does all of this and still works one full time job for the state, one part time job at an urgent care clinic, takes care of her home, cooks for her husband, AND takes care of my Grandmother who has Alzheimer’s. I honestly do not know anyone else who could handle so much life stress and continue giving service with a smile. Belinda McClellan, you are truly superwoman, and I am honored to be your daughter and best friend. Love you.. Past the Sky J
Naturally, my first spotlight post must be my mother. My mother and I are best friends. This is an amazing thing, especially considering we would never have seen this in our future a few years ago. Truthfully, if you asked me 10-15 years ago if my mother would be my best friend, I would say no way. If you asked her, she probably would have said her daughter might not be alive in 10-15 years. I was rebellious, horrendous, and “wild child” would not do me justice. Yet, my mother stuck by me. She always has.
My mom has a knack for giving people the benefit of the doubt and can be loyal to a fault. She stayed with my father for years past what I would have, simply to keep our family together. She stayed present for my brother and me, when I would have run away. She worked two jobs our whole lives to help us have the best life can offer, whether that be education, food, clothes, shelter, cars, extra curricular activities, summer camps, whatever… she provided. To this day, she sends me care packages, unexpected notes, coupons, and the like. Every time she visits Tampa, she cooks and cooks some more.
Regardless of all of the material goods, my mother gives love unconditionally, compassion, and a listening ear. I can call her day or night and she is there to listen. She does not judge, she simply listens and shares her experience. One of the best things about my mother is she is not only a mother to her biological children, she is an adopted mother to almost every one of our friends. Holiday meals, birthday dinners, just a nice place to spend time, with good company and love, my mother does it all.
She also gives back to the community, adopts other families, is a member to more organizations than I could possibly list, and is simply one of the most selfless people I know. She does all of this and still works one full time job for the state, one part time job at an urgent care clinic, takes care of her home, cooks for her husband, AND takes care of my Grandmother who has Alzheimer’s. I honestly do not know anyone else who could handle so much life stress and continue giving service with a smile. Belinda McClellan, you are truly superwoman, and I am honored to be your daughter and best friend. Love you.. Past the Sky J
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Why is it so hard to click "publish this post" on this one....
Because vulnerability is a scary thing. This list took three days... Happy reading... Tomorrow will be a double post day.
Long ago, a great mentor in my life (Dr. Melissa Soldani-Lemon) gave me this assignment: write 100 things about yourself. I got to 50, but am not sure I have ever made it to 100. I am thinking the rationale between such an assignment is the rationale behind life: learn who you are, like who you are, love who you are... own it...
So this is my list. There will not be any particular sorting in regards to level of importance. It's just my list, in whatever order it comes to me...
1. Order is obviously important to me. (See above).
2. I played softball for 11 years, give or take a few.
3. At one point, I played catcher. I do not recommend this position to anyone with knee problems.
4. The grooves beneath my knee caps are not grooves- the are flat, meaning my knee cap has no place to rest.... it just kinda moves around...
5. Because of this, I dislocated my knees many times, and the bone has been worn down.
6. I have had 4 knee surgeries.
7. If I live to be 100, and all goes as planned, I can expect to have 5 more knee surgeries.
8. I said for years that I had a horrible phobia of needles, yet I have tattoos and needle injections.
9. The phobia is needles in my arms, especially blood draws.
10. I suffered from kawasakis disease as a child and my first memory is a big overweight red headed nurse holding me down to draw my blood.
11. There is something to be said about childhood memories and adulthood phobias.
12, The #12 is my favorite number...
13.
14. I am superstitious at times. (Note, I left the #13 blank... bad luck)
15. I used google to correct my spelling for superstitious (I put a "c" where the second "t" should be)... See, I am not always as smart as people would like to think, and I use google as a spell checker quite often.
16. Come to think of it, I google almost everything.
17. In the past year, I have become a lover of all things apple/mac/iEverything... For years, I was anti- apple/mac/iEverything.
18. Once I let go of my pre-conceived ideas and notions, and become open minded to something new, I invariably find that I have a love for that which I became open to.
19. If I don't love it, I can change my mind.
20. Usually, I become married to my routines, friends, lifestyle, etc., and do not wish to change my mind.
21. I find that my inability to "let go" is the same as closed mindedness.
22. My one true love in this life has four legs.
23. I have only been truly in love (with a human) once. This person was not available to reciprocate.
24. Self sabotage is a horrible thing.
25. Are we only 1/4 of the way there? Or do I have 75% of my list to complete? I like to play with numbers.
26. I have an ongoing letter writing relationship with my PBear... he is nearly three times my age..
27. This is my age... 27.. Decent age, I guess.
28. My soul is much older.
29. The majority of my friends are older than myself.
30. To me, this feeds my need for constant stimulation.
31. I also have a need to constantly ask questions and learn. Even if it seems useless knowledge.
32. Speaking of needs, one of my favorite books is "The Seven Deadly Needs"
33. If I do not work out at least once a day, I get crazy. It doesn't have to be strenuous, but I must move.
34. The same goes for traveling, even just a short road trip. My limit is about 6-8 weeks before I start getting antsy.
35. My life is best lived when spending as much time as possible outside.
36. We had a little weekend house called "Shady Acres" growing up... mud pies, bike rides, BB guns, and fish frys. (you can't turn fish frys into fish fries, it doesn't look right)
37. I got angry when the Santa at a Christmas party gave my brother a toy car and me a doll. I wanted the car. One Christmas, I was given a BB gun. I also didn't like dresses. Tom Boy, much?
38. On my mother's side of the family, I am the only girl. And the youngest grandchild.
39. On my father's side, I was the youngest grandchild until I was 13 and my baby cousin was born. There are about 15-16 years between me and the youngest of all the other cousins.
40. Some people refer to me as "Queen Baby." #38 and #39 should explain this a bit... at least I get it honest.
41. I could live off of smoothies.
42. Or green beans out of the can.
43. My eating habits are almost as rigid as my household.
44. I am becoming more open minded in this area. I didn't eat green beans until I was 24 or 25 and now they are one of my favorites. (See #18)
I am taking a break now... will be back at 45....
45. I'd be content writing for a living, as long as my work was helping others or inspiring change.
46. My undergraduate degree is research, my graduate degree is Public Health, I'd like my PhD in Psych or Public Health/Poli Sci.. and a second bachelor's in journalism... when I took an aptitude test, I scored high in every area except spatial reasoning.... Thus the wide array of degree programs...
47. Maybe I would be more content being a student forever.
48. In a way, I am.
49. When people tell me I am too inquisitive, I get offended. Eventually, I realize it is a compliment in disguise. One must seek to understand; one must inquire to gain knowledge.
50. I like running in the rain.
51. I miss softball.
52. My music choices are as versatile as my degree programs (see #46)
53. To me, music is more about the lyrics than the sound. The sound is an added bonus. To me, it is poetry in motion.
54. Butterflies are also poetry in motion. I love them.
55. I am poetry in motion.
56. It would be a logical fallacy to conclude that because butterflies are poetry in motion, I am a butterfly. Yet, I am :)
57. I have one butterfly tattoo, one sanddollar tattoo, and one wrist tattoo that means "awareness"
58. Staying aware is important to me.
59. Staying present is also important, but very difficult for me to do.
60. I have had problems sleeping since I was a child. Yet melatonin knocks me right out.
61. Another method I use to go to sleep is an A-Z gratitude list... listing things I am grateful for beginning with the letter A and so on. The problem with this method is I made it a game and tried to come up with double A's, double B's, and so on... This defeated the purpose of relaxation, but is still fun.
62. Taking compliments from others is still difficult for me to do.
63. I enjoy digital art and photography. I like taking pictures of everything. And comparing the originals to digital edits.
64. There are certain subjects I rarely make edits to, adding to me sense of accomplishment in my photography.
65. At times, I feel I was meant to be an artist, poet, song writer, something more creative than what I currently am. Then again, I do not find satisfaction in being defined by my job (i.e. I am a student, I am a researcher, I am a recruitment coordinator, and so on)
66. So I am who I was meant to be. I just don't make a living from such.
Taking a break... again...
67. I love creating things for others- whether it be a personalized gift, a poem, a collage, anything.
68. My favorite creation was a inspirational book for my soul sista.
69. My other favorite was a collage I made for my mom's 60th birthday.
70. I can have two favorites. Just as I can have two best friends. My mom and my soul sister.
71. They are both more than double my age (see #29).
72. I miss my other close friends.
73. One of my greatest blessings in life is having friends, true friends, all over the United States... We are connected through a common bond which has become the highlight of my life.
74. I spend a weekend a year with a lot of these women at a retreat in Georgia.
75. Before grad school, I went to at least 4 retreats a year. My life seemed to go a little more smoothly then.
76. I seem sure of myself, but I have the same fears and hesitations we all do. Am I good enough? Is this the right path? Where do I belong?
77. I never imagined I would end up where I am today, nor do I feel I will stay here.
78. Most times, I feel I will end up out west or in DC. At one time, I wanted to live in NY for a year.
79. How do people with chronic knee problems live in such a city? Random questions like this pop into my head fairly often throughout the day. No rhyme or reason, they just do.
80. One of my favorite trips was my trip to Ireland. That summer I visited Hilton Head, Jacksonville, then Ireland. Amazing.
81. I could not live in Ireland though. I am afraid I would be seasonally depressed, all the time. As beautiful as it is there, the cold/wet/dreary days would hinder my happiness (this is an assumption... I make a lot of those)
82. I make the best coffee and brownies out of anyone I know.
83. Serving as a barista helped with the coffee.
84. The baking gene? I am sure it came from my nanny (paternal grandmother)
85. My mom can cook for days and days and still be ready to cook more. I do not cook. At all.
86. Yoga, swimming, and pilates are the best exercises for me. I feel the best after doing all of these.
87. On the other hand, I still torture myself by sneaking in a run and rollerblading every now and then. (See #24)
88. I apparently equate food with exercise. This is a shortcoming I will one day overcome. Compulsive exercise.
Taking another break
Two days later...
89. A spa bath, yankee candles, and music can cure almost anything. If not a cure, it at least provides some relief...
90. Pedicures can too. I give myself a pedicure once a week and keep my toe nails painted. Always.
91. Next to a french pedicure, purple toe nail polish is my favorite. Just about anything purple is my favorite. It's my color.
92. My next color is hot pink... the majority of my workout clothes have hot pink in them.
93. I was a tom boy until I turned 18 or so... my parents could not get me anywhere near pink or dresses or anything girlie (see #37) Today, I embrace my femininity with a passion.
94. Athletically, I can still take any man any day. In just about any sport.
95. It is driving me crazy that I am not going back through this list and correcting and grammatical or structural errors which may have been made in haste.
96. I believe my best poetry and lyrics are those works that remain unedited.
97. Four of my poems have been published.... I have not submitted one in a number of years.
98. My first published poem was "Fork in the Road," submitted to a magazine by one of my youth directors... I was maybe 13? Or 14? That was before I quit attending church on a regular basis.
99. I am commonly referred to as a Chreaster... I attend church on Christmas and Easter... and whenever else my mother makes me go.
100. I do not agree with this term, as it makes one seem as if they are only a Christian when attending church. I believe one can believe in Jesus and practice other spiritual practices or rituals... and Jesus is cool with that (in my opinion)
101. This list must end now, before I begin any type of theological debate. I am honestly surprised I included no political points in this post. Score one for restraint of tongue and pen :)
Long ago, a great mentor in my life (Dr. Melissa Soldani-Lemon) gave me this assignment: write 100 things about yourself. I got to 50, but am not sure I have ever made it to 100. I am thinking the rationale between such an assignment is the rationale behind life: learn who you are, like who you are, love who you are... own it...
So this is my list. There will not be any particular sorting in regards to level of importance. It's just my list, in whatever order it comes to me...
1. Order is obviously important to me. (See above).
2. I played softball for 11 years, give or take a few.
3. At one point, I played catcher. I do not recommend this position to anyone with knee problems.
4. The grooves beneath my knee caps are not grooves- the are flat, meaning my knee cap has no place to rest.... it just kinda moves around...
5. Because of this, I dislocated my knees many times, and the bone has been worn down.
6. I have had 4 knee surgeries.
7. If I live to be 100, and all goes as planned, I can expect to have 5 more knee surgeries.
8. I said for years that I had a horrible phobia of needles, yet I have tattoos and needle injections.
9. The phobia is needles in my arms, especially blood draws.
10. I suffered from kawasakis disease as a child and my first memory is a big overweight red headed nurse holding me down to draw my blood.
11. There is something to be said about childhood memories and adulthood phobias.
12, The #12 is my favorite number...
13.
14. I am superstitious at times. (Note, I left the #13 blank... bad luck)
15. I used google to correct my spelling for superstitious (I put a "c" where the second "t" should be)... See, I am not always as smart as people would like to think, and I use google as a spell checker quite often.
16. Come to think of it, I google almost everything.
17. In the past year, I have become a lover of all things apple/mac/iEverything... For years, I was anti- apple/mac/iEverything.
18. Once I let go of my pre-conceived ideas and notions, and become open minded to something new, I invariably find that I have a love for that which I became open to.
19. If I don't love it, I can change my mind.
20. Usually, I become married to my routines, friends, lifestyle, etc., and do not wish to change my mind.
21. I find that my inability to "let go" is the same as closed mindedness.
22. My one true love in this life has four legs.
23. I have only been truly in love (with a human) once. This person was not available to reciprocate.
24. Self sabotage is a horrible thing.
25. Are we only 1/4 of the way there? Or do I have 75% of my list to complete? I like to play with numbers.
26. I have an ongoing letter writing relationship with my PBear... he is nearly three times my age..
27. This is my age... 27.. Decent age, I guess.
28. My soul is much older.
29. The majority of my friends are older than myself.
30. To me, this feeds my need for constant stimulation.
31. I also have a need to constantly ask questions and learn. Even if it seems useless knowledge.
32. Speaking of needs, one of my favorite books is "The Seven Deadly Needs"
33. If I do not work out at least once a day, I get crazy. It doesn't have to be strenuous, but I must move.
34. The same goes for traveling, even just a short road trip. My limit is about 6-8 weeks before I start getting antsy.
35. My life is best lived when spending as much time as possible outside.
36. We had a little weekend house called "Shady Acres" growing up... mud pies, bike rides, BB guns, and fish frys. (you can't turn fish frys into fish fries, it doesn't look right)
37. I got angry when the Santa at a Christmas party gave my brother a toy car and me a doll. I wanted the car. One Christmas, I was given a BB gun. I also didn't like dresses. Tom Boy, much?
38. On my mother's side of the family, I am the only girl. And the youngest grandchild.
39. On my father's side, I was the youngest grandchild until I was 13 and my baby cousin was born. There are about 15-16 years between me and the youngest of all the other cousins.
40. Some people refer to me as "Queen Baby." #38 and #39 should explain this a bit... at least I get it honest.
41. I could live off of smoothies.
42. Or green beans out of the can.
43. My eating habits are almost as rigid as my household.
44. I am becoming more open minded in this area. I didn't eat green beans until I was 24 or 25 and now they are one of my favorites. (See #18)
I am taking a break now... will be back at 45....
45. I'd be content writing for a living, as long as my work was helping others or inspiring change.
46. My undergraduate degree is research, my graduate degree is Public Health, I'd like my PhD in Psych or Public Health/Poli Sci.. and a second bachelor's in journalism... when I took an aptitude test, I scored high in every area except spatial reasoning.... Thus the wide array of degree programs...
47. Maybe I would be more content being a student forever.
48. In a way, I am.
49. When people tell me I am too inquisitive, I get offended. Eventually, I realize it is a compliment in disguise. One must seek to understand; one must inquire to gain knowledge.
50. I like running in the rain.
51. I miss softball.
52. My music choices are as versatile as my degree programs (see #46)
53. To me, music is more about the lyrics than the sound. The sound is an added bonus. To me, it is poetry in motion.
54. Butterflies are also poetry in motion. I love them.
55. I am poetry in motion.
56. It would be a logical fallacy to conclude that because butterflies are poetry in motion, I am a butterfly. Yet, I am :)
57. I have one butterfly tattoo, one sanddollar tattoo, and one wrist tattoo that means "awareness"
58. Staying aware is important to me.
59. Staying present is also important, but very difficult for me to do.
60. I have had problems sleeping since I was a child. Yet melatonin knocks me right out.
61. Another method I use to go to sleep is an A-Z gratitude list... listing things I am grateful for beginning with the letter A and so on. The problem with this method is I made it a game and tried to come up with double A's, double B's, and so on... This defeated the purpose of relaxation, but is still fun.
62. Taking compliments from others is still difficult for me to do.
63. I enjoy digital art and photography. I like taking pictures of everything. And comparing the originals to digital edits.
64. There are certain subjects I rarely make edits to, adding to me sense of accomplishment in my photography.
65. At times, I feel I was meant to be an artist, poet, song writer, something more creative than what I currently am. Then again, I do not find satisfaction in being defined by my job (i.e. I am a student, I am a researcher, I am a recruitment coordinator, and so on)
66. So I am who I was meant to be. I just don't make a living from such.
Taking a break... again...
67. I love creating things for others- whether it be a personalized gift, a poem, a collage, anything.
68. My favorite creation was a inspirational book for my soul sista.
69. My other favorite was a collage I made for my mom's 60th birthday.
70. I can have two favorites. Just as I can have two best friends. My mom and my soul sister.
71. They are both more than double my age (see #29).
72. I miss my other close friends.
73. One of my greatest blessings in life is having friends, true friends, all over the United States... We are connected through a common bond which has become the highlight of my life.
74. I spend a weekend a year with a lot of these women at a retreat in Georgia.
75. Before grad school, I went to at least 4 retreats a year. My life seemed to go a little more smoothly then.
76. I seem sure of myself, but I have the same fears and hesitations we all do. Am I good enough? Is this the right path? Where do I belong?
77. I never imagined I would end up where I am today, nor do I feel I will stay here.
78. Most times, I feel I will end up out west or in DC. At one time, I wanted to live in NY for a year.
79. How do people with chronic knee problems live in such a city? Random questions like this pop into my head fairly often throughout the day. No rhyme or reason, they just do.
80. One of my favorite trips was my trip to Ireland. That summer I visited Hilton Head, Jacksonville, then Ireland. Amazing.
81. I could not live in Ireland though. I am afraid I would be seasonally depressed, all the time. As beautiful as it is there, the cold/wet/dreary days would hinder my happiness (this is an assumption... I make a lot of those)
82. I make the best coffee and brownies out of anyone I know.
83. Serving as a barista helped with the coffee.
84. The baking gene? I am sure it came from my nanny (paternal grandmother)
85. My mom can cook for days and days and still be ready to cook more. I do not cook. At all.
86. Yoga, swimming, and pilates are the best exercises for me. I feel the best after doing all of these.
87. On the other hand, I still torture myself by sneaking in a run and rollerblading every now and then. (See #24)
88. I apparently equate food with exercise. This is a shortcoming I will one day overcome. Compulsive exercise.
Taking another break
Two days later...
89. A spa bath, yankee candles, and music can cure almost anything. If not a cure, it at least provides some relief...
90. Pedicures can too. I give myself a pedicure once a week and keep my toe nails painted. Always.
91. Next to a french pedicure, purple toe nail polish is my favorite. Just about anything purple is my favorite. It's my color.
92. My next color is hot pink... the majority of my workout clothes have hot pink in them.
93. I was a tom boy until I turned 18 or so... my parents could not get me anywhere near pink or dresses or anything girlie (see #37) Today, I embrace my femininity with a passion.
94. Athletically, I can still take any man any day. In just about any sport.
95. It is driving me crazy that I am not going back through this list and correcting and grammatical or structural errors which may have been made in haste.
96. I believe my best poetry and lyrics are those works that remain unedited.
97. Four of my poems have been published.... I have not submitted one in a number of years.
98. My first published poem was "Fork in the Road," submitted to a magazine by one of my youth directors... I was maybe 13? Or 14? That was before I quit attending church on a regular basis.
99. I am commonly referred to as a Chreaster... I attend church on Christmas and Easter... and whenever else my mother makes me go.
100. I do not agree with this term, as it makes one seem as if they are only a Christian when attending church. I believe one can believe in Jesus and practice other spiritual practices or rituals... and Jesus is cool with that (in my opinion)
101. This list must end now, before I begin any type of theological debate. I am honestly surprised I included no political points in this post. Score one for restraint of tongue and pen :)
Monday, August 8, 2011
Discernment
Originally, Mondays were going to be for organization. I changed my mind. Yes, I am obviously working on my "issue" with rigidity. I decided since I love words so much, I may as well have a "word of the day" day. So today is it. My word of the day is.... drum roll please...
Discernment: n. keen perception or judgment. From discern and -ment
Discern: 1. to perceive by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect; see, recognize, or apprehend; to distinguish mentally; recognize as distinct or different.
Discernment: n. keen perception or judgment. From discern and -ment
Discern: 1. to perceive by the sight or some other sense or by the intellect; see, recognize, or apprehend; to distinguish mentally; recognize as distinct or different.
-Ment: a suffix of nouns, often concrete, denoting an action or resulting state (abridgment; refreshment), a product (fragment), or means (ornament).
Notice the words above which are italicized. This is because I like them. Although I have been called "too sensitive" but clearly, it can be a good trait. Okay, back to discernment. I was originally thinking of balance as my word for the day, or priority, or duty. I realized that before balance, one must discern what to make a priority. One must have some insight into the act of balancing before they can begin such an arduous task.
How did I arrive to balance and discernment as my words today? Naturally, I sign up for more than I am capable of handling. I try to be ten million things to everyone. I end up feeling taken advantage of, but then realize the willing can only be taken for granted. I cannot surely think one is taking advantage of me when I am a willing participant. So in comes the discernment. Why do I sign up to do other people's tasks for them? Why do I stick my hand out when I am barely floating above water in my own pool of life? Is it because I genuinely want to help? Or is it because I am looking for a pay off, I am hoping I will be appreciated or my ego will be fed? Enter discernment again. All of these things require a certain amount of insight and judgment. Whether it be a to-do list, taking on additional tasks, knowing who is using you, who you can trust, etc. etc.
As far as where we receive such discernment, there are various schools of thought on this. I am aware the Bible speaks of the Spiritual Gift of Discernment. I do not recall what is said verbatim, but I know it's in there. I believe we all have this gift to some extent. It goes back to a very fundamental area of child rearing- teaching your child what is right and wrong. So if we learn this early in life, how does one develop discernment? I cannot speak for anyone else, but for me, experience and guidance... Learning life lessons as time goes on. The test is not knowing how to discern though, it is using this gift in my daily life... deciding to do it. Deciding that it is better to live life aware and seek insight in order to live a manageable life. Right thought. Right Action. Discernment.
Share your thoughts if you will.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Well, well, well..... I have let the ball drop on this new creation which is Carla's Corner. I can explain. One of the problems with being so rigid is that when things do not go "as planned," I easily get off track. Take this week for example. Every Wednesday, I receive PBear mail. I was planning to post on Wednesday about PBear, as that is my Wednesday theme and I love writing to and about him. But my mail did not come Wednesday. It did not come Thursday. I am not sure if it came yesterday, as I have been unable to check my mail. So this one issue of tardiness derailed my blogging plans. Thanks United States Postal Service, I appreciate it!
This isn't the only unexpected twist to my week. My mother called me Thursday night and asked me what time I could be in Tallahassee the following day (yesterday)... she arranged for me to drop off my car at a friends for him to fix it. I love coming home, don't get me wrong. I love my mom, I love her thoughtfulness. BUT this wasn't planned by ME. Meaning I felt out of control, and once again felt as if my week was "derailed."
The good news is I got to see PBear last night, my car is fixed, and I am spending time with my Gma (I am sure all will read a lot more about her later.) The not so good news is I have very little time to see anyone but family. No time really. I did not have a car yesterday, and this afternoon I am with my Gma. I leave in the morning. But I did get to see some friends last night and for this, I am grateful.
Back to the point of today's writing. My rigidity. Being super organized is a wonderful trait. Being completely rigid is a glaring defect. So what I learned about myself today is I still have room to grow, always. I have room to learn to be flexible, while maintaining organization. It is possible. Right? We shall see.
As far as the rest of this week's blogs.... I was planning on doing more "getting to know the author" posts. A great mentor of mine once suggested I make a list or 100 things about myself. Maybe this blog will motivate me to undertake such a task. I know 50 was a difficult feat. I can imagine 100 will be. Then again, I have put aside over a year of my life to remain single, to learn more about me, and love me. More on that later. For now, I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Don't forget to FLY <3
This isn't the only unexpected twist to my week. My mother called me Thursday night and asked me what time I could be in Tallahassee the following day (yesterday)... she arranged for me to drop off my car at a friends for him to fix it. I love coming home, don't get me wrong. I love my mom, I love her thoughtfulness. BUT this wasn't planned by ME. Meaning I felt out of control, and once again felt as if my week was "derailed."
The good news is I got to see PBear last night, my car is fixed, and I am spending time with my Gma (I am sure all will read a lot more about her later.) The not so good news is I have very little time to see anyone but family. No time really. I did not have a car yesterday, and this afternoon I am with my Gma. I leave in the morning. But I did get to see some friends last night and for this, I am grateful.
Back to the point of today's writing. My rigidity. Being super organized is a wonderful trait. Being completely rigid is a glaring defect. So what I learned about myself today is I still have room to grow, always. I have room to learn to be flexible, while maintaining organization. It is possible. Right? We shall see.
As far as the rest of this week's blogs.... I was planning on doing more "getting to know the author" posts. A great mentor of mine once suggested I make a list or 100 things about myself. Maybe this blog will motivate me to undertake such a task. I know 50 was a difficult feat. I can imagine 100 will be. Then again, I have put aside over a year of my life to remain single, to learn more about me, and love me. More on that later. For now, I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Don't forget to FLY <3
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