Why is it so hard to click "publish this post" on this one....

Because vulnerability is a scary thing. This list took three days... Happy reading... Tomorrow will be a double post day.

Long ago, a great mentor in my life (Dr. Melissa Soldani-Lemon) gave me this assignment: write 100 things about yourself. I got to 50, but am not sure I have ever made it to 100. I am thinking the rationale between such an assignment is the rationale behind life: learn who you are, like who you are, love who you are... own it...
So this is my list. There will not be any particular sorting in regards to level of importance. It's just my list, in whatever order it comes to me...

1. Order is obviously important to me. (See above).
2. I played softball for 11 years, give or take a few.
3. At one point, I played catcher. I do not recommend this position to anyone with knee problems.
4. The grooves beneath my knee caps are not grooves- the are flat, meaning my knee cap has no place to rest.... it just kinda moves around...
5. Because of this, I dislocated my knees many times, and the bone has been worn down.
6. I have had 4 knee surgeries.
7. If I live to be 100, and all goes as planned, I can expect to have 5 more knee surgeries.
8. I said for years that I had a horrible phobia of needles, yet I have tattoos and needle injections.
9. The phobia is needles in my arms, especially blood draws.
10. I suffered from kawasakis disease as a child and my first memory is a big overweight red headed nurse holding me down to draw my blood.
11. There is something to be said about childhood memories and adulthood phobias.
12, The #12 is my favorite number...
13.
14. I am superstitious at times. (Note, I left the #13 blank... bad luck)
15. I used google to correct my spelling for superstitious (I put a "c" where the second "t" should be)... See, I am not always as smart as people would like to think, and I use google as a spell checker quite often.
16. Come to think of it, I google almost everything.
17. In the past year, I have become a lover of all things apple/mac/iEverything... For years, I was anti- apple/mac/iEverything.
18. Once I let go of my pre-conceived ideas and notions, and become open minded to something new, I invariably find that I have a love for that which I became open to.
19. If I don't love it, I can change my mind.
20. Usually, I become married to my routines, friends, lifestyle, etc., and do not wish to change my mind.
21. I find that my inability to "let go" is the same as closed mindedness.
22. My one true love in this life has four legs.
23. I have only been truly in love (with a human) once. This person was not available to reciprocate.
24. Self sabotage is a horrible thing.
25. Are we only 1/4 of the way there? Or do I have 75% of my list to complete? I like to play with numbers.
26. I have an ongoing letter writing relationship with my PBear... he is nearly three times my age..
27. This is my age... 27.. Decent age, I guess.
28. My soul is much older.
29. The majority of my friends are older than myself.
30. To me, this feeds my need for constant stimulation.
31. I also have a need to constantly ask questions and learn. Even if it seems useless knowledge.
32. Speaking of needs, one of my favorite books is "The Seven Deadly Needs"
33. If I do not work out at least once a day, I get crazy. It doesn't have to be strenuous, but I must move.
34. The same goes for traveling, even just a short road trip. My limit is about 6-8 weeks before I start getting antsy.
35. My life is best lived when spending as much time as possible outside.
36. We had a little weekend house called "Shady Acres" growing up... mud pies, bike rides, BB guns, and fish frys. (you can't turn fish frys into fish fries, it doesn't look right)
37. I got angry when the Santa at a Christmas party gave my brother a toy car and me a doll. I wanted the car. One Christmas, I was given a BB gun. I also didn't like dresses. Tom Boy, much?
38. On my mother's side of the family, I am the only girl. And the youngest grandchild.
39. On my father's side, I was the youngest grandchild until I was 13 and my baby cousin was born. There are about 15-16 years between me and the youngest of all the other cousins.
40. Some people refer to me as "Queen Baby." #38 and #39 should explain this a bit... at least I get it honest.
41. I could live off of smoothies.
42. Or green beans out of the can.
43. My eating habits are almost as rigid as my household.
44. I am becoming more open minded in this area. I didn't eat green beans until I was 24 or 25 and now they are one of my favorites. (See #18)

I am taking a break now... will be back at 45....

45. I'd be content writing for a living, as long as my work was helping others or inspiring change.
46. My undergraduate degree is research, my graduate degree is Public Health, I'd like my PhD in Psych or Public Health/Poli Sci.. and a second bachelor's in journalism... when I took an aptitude test, I scored high in every area except spatial reasoning.... Thus the wide array of degree programs...
47. Maybe I would be more content being a student forever.
48. In a way, I am.
49. When people tell me I am too inquisitive, I get offended. Eventually, I realize it is a compliment in disguise. One must seek to understand; one must inquire to gain knowledge.
50. I like running in the rain.
51. I miss softball.
52. My music choices are as versatile as my degree programs (see #46)
53. To me, music is more about the lyrics than the sound. The sound is an added bonus. To me, it is poetry in motion.
54. Butterflies are also poetry in motion. I love them.
55. I am poetry in motion.
56. It would be a logical fallacy to conclude that because butterflies are poetry in motion, I am a butterfly. Yet, I am :)
57. I have one butterfly tattoo, one sanddollar tattoo, and one wrist tattoo that means "awareness"
58. Staying aware is important to me.
59. Staying present is also important, but very difficult for me to do.
60. I have had problems sleeping since I was a child. Yet melatonin knocks me right out.
61. Another method I use to go to sleep is an A-Z gratitude list... listing things I am grateful for beginning with the letter A and so on. The problem with this method is I made it a game and tried to come up with double A's, double B's, and so on... This defeated the purpose of relaxation, but is still fun.
62. Taking compliments from others is still difficult for me to do.
63. I enjoy digital art and photography. I like taking pictures of everything. And comparing the originals to digital edits.
64. There are certain subjects I rarely make edits to, adding to me sense of accomplishment in my photography.
65. At times, I feel I was meant to be an artist, poet, song writer, something more creative than what I currently am. Then again, I do not find satisfaction in being defined by my job (i.e. I am a student, I am a researcher, I am a recruitment coordinator, and so on)
66. So I am who I was meant to be. I just don't make a living from such.

Taking a break... again...

67. I love creating things for others- whether it be a personalized gift, a poem, a collage, anything.
68. My favorite creation was a inspirational book for my soul sista.
69. My other favorite was a collage I made for my mom's 60th birthday.
70. I can have two favorites. Just as I can have two best friends. My mom and my soul sister.
71. They are both more than double my age (see #29).
72. I miss my other close friends.
73. One of my greatest blessings in life is having friends, true friends, all over the United States... We are connected through a common bond which has become the highlight of my life.
74. I spend a weekend a year with a lot of these women at a retreat in Georgia.
75. Before grad school, I went to at least 4 retreats a year. My life seemed to go a little more smoothly then.
76. I seem sure of myself, but I have the same fears and hesitations we all do. Am I good enough? Is this the right path? Where do I belong?
77. I never imagined I would end up where I am today, nor do I feel I will stay here.
78. Most times, I feel I will end up out west or in DC. At one time, I wanted to live in NY for a year.
79. How do people with chronic knee problems live in such a city? Random questions like this pop into my head fairly often throughout the day. No rhyme or reason, they just do.
80. One of my favorite trips was my trip to Ireland. That summer I visited Hilton Head, Jacksonville, then Ireland. Amazing.
81. I could not live in Ireland though. I am afraid I would be seasonally depressed, all the time. As beautiful as it is there, the cold/wet/dreary days would hinder my happiness (this is an assumption... I make a lot of those)
82. I make the best coffee and brownies out of anyone I know.
83. Serving as a barista helped with the coffee.
84. The baking gene? I am sure it came from my nanny (paternal grandmother)
85. My mom can cook for days and days and still be ready to cook more. I do not cook. At all.
86. Yoga, swimming, and pilates are the best exercises for me. I feel the best after doing all of these.
87. On the other hand, I still torture myself by sneaking in a run and rollerblading every now and then. (See #24)
88. I apparently equate food with exercise. This is a shortcoming I will one day overcome. Compulsive exercise. 

Taking another break

Two days later...
89. A spa bath, yankee candles, and music can cure almost anything. If not a cure, it at least provides some relief...
90. Pedicures can too. I give myself a pedicure once a week and keep my toe nails painted. Always.
91. Next to a french pedicure, purple toe nail polish is my favorite. Just about anything purple is my favorite. It's my color.
92. My next color is hot pink... the majority of my workout clothes have hot pink in them.
93. I was a tom boy until I turned 18 or so... my parents could not get me anywhere near pink or dresses or anything girlie (see #37) Today, I embrace my femininity with a passion.
94. Athletically, I can still take any man any day. In just about any sport.
95. It is driving me crazy that I am not going back through this list and correcting and grammatical or structural errors which may have been made in haste.
96. I believe my best poetry and lyrics are those works that remain unedited.
97. Four of my poems have been published.... I have not submitted one in a number of years.
98. My first published poem was "Fork in the Road," submitted to a magazine by one of my youth directors... I was maybe 13? Or 14? That was before I quit attending church on a regular basis.
99. I am commonly referred to as a Chreaster... I attend church on Christmas and Easter... and whenever else my mother makes me go.
100. I do not agree with this term, as it makes one seem as if they are only a Christian when attending church. I believe one can believe in Jesus and practice other spiritual practices or rituals... and Jesus is cool with that (in my opinion)
101. This list must end now, before I begin any type of theological debate. I am honestly surprised I included no political points in this post. Score one for restraint of tongue and pen :)