Life lessons... so difficult to learn the hard way, yet so important to learn at all. But are we really learning if we repeatedly put ourselves in the same position to learn the same lesson over and over again? Maybe. Maybe I am learning by being repeatedly beat over the head by the same lesson... learning little by little until I do not have to repeat the same mistake... Currently, this week's lesson is I cannot, and will not, be everything to everyone. More importantly, I will not allow myself to be any one person's "everything." That type of dependence can only backfire, and result in a blaze of fiery eruption. This has been my last 72 hours. 72 grueling hours of a lot of work, a lot of life, a lot of stress, a lot of tasks to complete, LIFE... with the added pressures of this lesson beating me over the head every step of the way. Not just in the form of the friendship that woke me up today, but in the form of the over-commitment, the expecting more of myself than I am capable of doing, than any human is capable of doing, the inability to set my limits before things get to that point.... you know that point where all you can do is stand outside and scream. Yes, I reached that point today. I reached that point because I did not set my limits earlier on an issue that I needed to speak up about. The lesson went further...
See, even after that point, I had more of a beating in the form of a written attack from one who made me their everything, their complete and utter dependence, and I had no clue I was in that position to begin with... I had no clue every move I made was being timestamped in their brain to bring up on this day... this, my most stressful day. I had no clue that someone considered me their close friend that did not meet their needs because quite frankly, I am trying to hold my head above water and meet my own basic needs... sleep, food, shelter, clothing, the close relationships I am able to put energy into to maintain. Which seem very few at this point. I can count on my hand (ok, maybe two hands) the number of people I am able to make "URGENT! PRIORITY!" at this moment. We haven't even spoken since the semester began. Unbeknownst to me, this person did not get the memo that I am barely hanging on. That I was moving on from this friend because I didn't have the strength or energy the friendship demanded. Another lesson, not making myself clear.
Since I did not get the memo that one individual was supposed to be on my "URGENT! PRIORITY!" list, I became target of assault. Does it hurt? Sure. What also stings a bit is the fact that I was too blind to even see I was needed, or being depended on. Makes me wonder... am I so busy going through life that I am not present in what is going on around me? Outside of work, school, family, close friends, do I not see the rest? Or does this one person think the world revolves around them so much that they feel it is simply okay to disregard what the rest of us have going on so they can speak their piece. No matter the cost of other's feelings.
Either way, lesson learned, I am one person. I do a damn good job at what I can. I do not waste my time on what I can't. Because I am worth giving myself a little bit of a time. Time to breathe, Time to take a big trip when I can, Time to stock my house with necessities at the beginning of every semester because I'm a planner and I know I will not have a moment to do it when things get crazy, Time to spend a day without answering emails, phone calls, texts, Time for Me. Is that not okay? Or does that have to go to everyone around me? No. It does not. There are others. I am nobody's God. That is my lesson. I do not have to over-commit, and if I commit to help someone, that is not til death do I part. I will do what I can whenever I can for anyone. As a matter of fact, my true friends will say, I will do everything I can to help them. When I can. And when they know I can't, they will not ask.
So those are my thoughts. God, I've missed this blog. Second post in over a month... no bueno. I will do better. Until then, friends, love to all, light to all, FLY
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Commitment. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
PBEAR MAIL!!!!
I have 28 more minutes to post today's theme: PBear Mail Day...
I did not post last week because of a series of events leading me to receive my PBear mail on Sunday, rather than Wednesday (see a previous blog post about this..) Today, Wednesday, August 10, 2011, my mail came on time, I received said mail on time, and all is again right with the world! Excuse the excessive use of commas.
So who is this PBear and what is the deal with PBear Mail Days?
PBear is Mike Wing Lewis, affectionately referred to by myself as PBear... which is Father Bear shortened to Papa Bear, shortened to Bear... his friends call him Bear. I called him Bear until he lovingly accepted me into his clan and named me his daughter bear last May. He did this through an unforgettable ceremony of the passing down of the warrior's necklace, which has a novel's worth of stories to tell on its own, I am sure. Long story short, this necklace has gone through generations of warriors in my PBear's native family, and I am honored to be the first non-blood, and female, "relative" to receive this priceless gift. This gift goes much deeper than the necklace, the gift goes to the heart of what this necklace means... strength, Spirit, guidance, wisdom, Love, connectedness... I could go on and on here...
I can share much more of PBear later, but I will start with our letters. When I moved to Tampa last summer, I was terribly frightened. I was homesick. I was absolutely unsure of what I was doing and how I ended up making this decision to move. PBear had to know this, and he took it upon himself to begin sending me letters. Hand written letters. Delivered via "snail mail." These are my love letters from Bear. My belief in pure, absolute, altruistic, love. My little glimpse of wisdom that can only be earned from decades of a difficult life, and triumphs through unbelievable struggles, which PBear has overcome... not only has he earned such wisdom... wisdom of a warrior... but he is willing to pass it on to an unsure, hesitant, questioning pupil like myself.
Each week, he sits down on a Sunday morning, writes his letter to me, and I receive them on Wednesdays (most always); I then write him Wednesday night (or Thursday morning if I am slacking) and he receives my letters on Saturdays (most always.) It has been over a year and this has been the one constant in this completely changing universe which is life as a graduate student. This is the constant that reminds me to slow down, to enjoy the "real" things in life, to appreciate that which cannot be bought or sold, to take time to contemplate the life lessons, and to reciprocate a love which I wasn't even sure I could live up to. This week's letter was actually about this... what the writing has done for us. What this dance of love and flow of letters has given us... how deeply impacted each of us are by this ongoing commitment to ourselves and to one another. And how he is intrigued by my commitment to myself in joining the blogosphere :)
So there we have it friends. This is my first PBear post, with many more to come. I have all of his letters in a special place and hope to one day compile them together in a novel. One day... Until that day, I hope my friends will continue to join me in Carla's Corner.
And as always, don't forget to FLY <3
I did not post last week because of a series of events leading me to receive my PBear mail on Sunday, rather than Wednesday (see a previous blog post about this..) Today, Wednesday, August 10, 2011, my mail came on time, I received said mail on time, and all is again right with the world! Excuse the excessive use of commas.
So who is this PBear and what is the deal with PBear Mail Days?
PBear is Mike Wing Lewis, affectionately referred to by myself as PBear... which is Father Bear shortened to Papa Bear, shortened to Bear... his friends call him Bear. I called him Bear until he lovingly accepted me into his clan and named me his daughter bear last May. He did this through an unforgettable ceremony of the passing down of the warrior's necklace, which has a novel's worth of stories to tell on its own, I am sure. Long story short, this necklace has gone through generations of warriors in my PBear's native family, and I am honored to be the first non-blood, and female, "relative" to receive this priceless gift. This gift goes much deeper than the necklace, the gift goes to the heart of what this necklace means... strength, Spirit, guidance, wisdom, Love, connectedness... I could go on and on here...
I can share much more of PBear later, but I will start with our letters. When I moved to Tampa last summer, I was terribly frightened. I was homesick. I was absolutely unsure of what I was doing and how I ended up making this decision to move. PBear had to know this, and he took it upon himself to begin sending me letters. Hand written letters. Delivered via "snail mail." These are my love letters from Bear. My belief in pure, absolute, altruistic, love. My little glimpse of wisdom that can only be earned from decades of a difficult life, and triumphs through unbelievable struggles, which PBear has overcome... not only has he earned such wisdom... wisdom of a warrior... but he is willing to pass it on to an unsure, hesitant, questioning pupil like myself.
Each week, he sits down on a Sunday morning, writes his letter to me, and I receive them on Wednesdays (most always); I then write him Wednesday night (or Thursday morning if I am slacking) and he receives my letters on Saturdays (most always.) It has been over a year and this has been the one constant in this completely changing universe which is life as a graduate student. This is the constant that reminds me to slow down, to enjoy the "real" things in life, to appreciate that which cannot be bought or sold, to take time to contemplate the life lessons, and to reciprocate a love which I wasn't even sure I could live up to. This week's letter was actually about this... what the writing has done for us. What this dance of love and flow of letters has given us... how deeply impacted each of us are by this ongoing commitment to ourselves and to one another. And how he is intrigued by my commitment to myself in joining the blogosphere :)
So there we have it friends. This is my first PBear post, with many more to come. I have all of his letters in a special place and hope to one day compile them together in a novel. One day... Until that day, I hope my friends will continue to join me in Carla's Corner.
And as always, don't forget to FLY <3
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