Life lessons... so difficult to learn the hard way, yet so important to learn at all. But are we really learning if we repeatedly put ourselves in the same position to learn the same lesson over and over again? Maybe. Maybe I am learning by being repeatedly beat over the head by the same lesson... learning little by little until I do not have to repeat the same mistake... Currently, this week's lesson is I cannot, and will not, be everything to everyone. More importantly, I will not allow myself to be any one person's "everything." That type of dependence can only backfire, and result in a blaze of fiery eruption. This has been my last 72 hours. 72 grueling hours of a lot of work, a lot of life, a lot of stress, a lot of tasks to complete, LIFE... with the added pressures of this lesson beating me over the head every step of the way. Not just in the form of the friendship that woke me up today, but in the form of the over-commitment, the expecting more of myself than I am capable of doing, than any human is capable of doing, the inability to set my limits before things get to that point.... you know that point where all you can do is stand outside and scream. Yes, I reached that point today. I reached that point because I did not set my limits earlier on an issue that I needed to speak up about. The lesson went further...
See, even after that point, I had more of a beating in the form of a written attack from one who made me their everything, their complete and utter dependence, and I had no clue I was in that position to begin with... I had no clue every move I made was being timestamped in their brain to bring up on this day... this, my most stressful day. I had no clue that someone considered me their close friend that did not meet their needs because quite frankly, I am trying to hold my head above water and meet my own basic needs... sleep, food, shelter, clothing, the close relationships I am able to put energy into to maintain. Which seem very few at this point. I can count on my hand (ok, maybe two hands) the number of people I am able to make "URGENT! PRIORITY!" at this moment. We haven't even spoken since the semester began. Unbeknownst to me, this person did not get the memo that I am barely hanging on. That I was moving on from this friend because I didn't have the strength or energy the friendship demanded. Another lesson, not making myself clear.
Since I did not get the memo that one individual was supposed to be on my "URGENT! PRIORITY!" list, I became target of assault. Does it hurt? Sure. What also stings a bit is the fact that I was too blind to even see I was needed, or being depended on. Makes me wonder... am I so busy going through life that I am not present in what is going on around me? Outside of work, school, family, close friends, do I not see the rest? Or does this one person think the world revolves around them so much that they feel it is simply okay to disregard what the rest of us have going on so they can speak their piece. No matter the cost of other's feelings.
Either way, lesson learned, I am one person. I do a damn good job at what I can. I do not waste my time on what I can't. Because I am worth giving myself a little bit of a time. Time to breathe, Time to take a big trip when I can, Time to stock my house with necessities at the beginning of every semester because I'm a planner and I know I will not have a moment to do it when things get crazy, Time to spend a day without answering emails, phone calls, texts, Time for Me. Is that not okay? Or does that have to go to everyone around me? No. It does not. There are others. I am nobody's God. That is my lesson. I do not have to over-commit, and if I commit to help someone, that is not til death do I part. I will do what I can whenever I can for anyone. As a matter of fact, my true friends will say, I will do everything I can to help them. When I can. And when they know I can't, they will not ask.
So those are my thoughts. God, I've missed this blog. Second post in over a month... no bueno. I will do better. Until then, friends, love to all, light to all, FLY
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