This weekend, I had the opportunity to participate in something I've never participated in before- a 90th birthday. Not just any 90th birthday, but my "nanny's" 90th (my father's mother.) I was overwhelmed with emotion all weekend, none of which began flooding through me until I slowed down long enough to no longer push them out. Feelings from sadness, to gratitude, to deep respect, to awe. Why would I be sad on such an occasion? Excuse me while I Am rigorously honest here. I am sad for my Nanny. I am happy for her that she is 90 (and looks like the Queen of England, but younger!) but sad at the situations in her life right now. And sad for the life she has had to endure, but deeply respectful of all she has overcome. I am sad that Parkinson's disease is stealing her motor skills and that this tough leader of our family now has to rely on assistance. I'm amazed she still lives on her own but I know she has to get depressed. I am sad her son (my father) refused to show up for her birthday. She began to cry when I told her he loves her and is just that way. I have never seen her cry. Ever. I am sad for myself that I have to even explain this to her. I am sad I do not spend as much time with her as we did when we were younger.
I need to get to the blessings now :) I am truly blessed to have both grandmothers living and that I was able to have them and my mother and aunts and uncles in the same room. That hasn't happened in quite some time. I am grateful for all my nanny has taught me and that she finally starting saying "I love you" a few years ago. I wasn't sure for a long time. I am grateful for the things she taught me that I didn't think I wanted to know.. How to behave in church, how to be a lady, what questions you don't ask, what topics are not too be discussed, how to set a dining room table, and how to survive life... You just survive. No matter what. The last part leads into why I have such a deep respect for Nanny. Without going into more detail than she would wish, this woman has endured more tragedy and heartache than ten lifetimes should bring. She has raised 5 children nearly alone and put up with too much from most of them :) her family has endured tragedy and she puts aside her own sadness to be there for them. She is going through more medical problems than I could imagine and refuses to completely give up her independence. Most importantly, she keeps the family together even after 90 years of life. I'd be tired! But she makes calls and makes sure people know when to be where and just keeps it all together. Amazing. I am so blessed to have her as my matriarch. I know most of my friends hear me discuss my other Gma (grandma) so its due time I give props to nanny.
PS... Excuse any typos, written on my iPhone :)
How very special, Carla. You have grown so much in that you can express your feelings with such honesty! Your nanny would be so proud of you if she had the opportunity to read this!
ReplyDeleteShe is such a strong woman in so many ways! Yes, while we are sad to see her in somewhat of a dependant phase of her life, we are so happy for the great memories and that we can witness a woman of such strong faith! Mom