Gone too soon...

I was going to blog about turning 30 this weekend. But I don't have much to say about it. Nor do I feel like blogging about it. I'm 30. I've made it thru the 20's. I imagine I'll make it thru the 30's. If I continue to take care of myself. Unfortunately, many of us don't make it.

By "us", I mean recovering addicts, alcoholics, and especially girls/women who are in recovery for eating disorder. I don't talk about the third subject much because it is so personal. It still has an awful stigma attached to it. So we stay silent. Silence kills...

In two days, we lost two of our own... Girls recovering from anorexia. One was a personal friend. Gretchen Elizabeth Gleason. She was a bright spot that helped me thru my lowest points (I haven't had an eating disorder relapse in a couple of years now). But then I distanced myself from her because she was slipping away and it triggered my own disorder. It scared me. It created an inner turmoil... This questioning inside me- like do we ever recover? I know now that recovery is possible, but we have to remain vigilant. I wouldn't slack on my recovery from alcohol so why would I slack on this? Thinking I can skip a meal or two this week, five next week, and pretty soon I'm back to my old ways. This is what killed my friend. She went to sleep and did not wake up. What is the scariest part of this all? She was on waiting lists for residential treatment. She wanted to get better. She was back in therapy, moving forward. And just like that, she is gone. Age 32. Gone too soon..

Praise you in the storm...

Happy Holy Week for friends who observe Christian tradition. I've begun the week with contemplation. Thinking about this idea of praise (I am in the choir, after all, and this is one of our busiest weeks!) 

I also pay attention when friends say "thank God" or "Praise God" and it is always attached to some positive outcome, answered prayer, or good thing. So what about the times of trial, suffering, the downright difficult times? Am I not to praise him? Am I to say "thanks God for the crapstorm, I so appreciate it" being bitter for all that has come my way? 

That would be easy.

But it's not the way I operate. See, I fully believe on life on life's terms. As difficult as those terms may be. Life may beat me up and knock me down, but I can thank God for the strength to get back up.

Those who know me personally know the last six months have been filled with trials. Every reason I moved back to Tallahassee fell apart, with the exception of family. (Thank goodness I have my family). Maybe things needed to appear promising for me to come home and take care of Grandma? Maybe I needed to see the direction in which my life was not supposed to go? Maybe all of this led to me meeting someone here that would help me find a new path? I do not have the answers yet.

I do know I am not alone. I know that I can't blame God for the shortcomings of others, for the injustices of the "justice" system, for the dishonesty that comes with being human, or for the inconsistencies in what appeared to be the right path. Because it's just life. Is it extremely difficult right now? Yes. Am I continuing to praise my higher power? Most definitely. Because I can't imagine how much more difficult life would be without that inner strength that comes from God.

Just my two cents

Prayers welcome

**God can be called Buddha, Jehovah, HP, etc. the God within me honors the God within you- Namaste**

What happens when you go near the scary house around the corner...

**the names and addresses have been changed to protect my privacy, and the privacy of others**

Currently, I have the privilege of living in my childhood home. At almost 30 years old, I rent the home from my mother. It can be strange at times, but then there are times when something so cool happens, it makes it all worth it. I had one of those experiences today.

We all have a house in our childhood neighborhood that has the crazy old lady, or the scary resident, the house nobody goes near. If a ball happens to land in their yard, it's gone forever. 

That house in my neighborhood happens to share my house number and a street with very similar spelling, so I often get the mail that belongs there. Usually, I would place it back in the mailbox, or drop it off and run. Even at age 25, I found myself still scared of the "crazy lady" at 3620 Cadsbury Lane. 

Today, I received one of her packages. I decided today would be different. I'm almost 30 for goodness sake! There is no reason to fear her! So off I go... Around the block to Mrs. Kuchler's house.

She saw me as I pulled up and came out to meet me, closing the door quickly, explaining she doesn't want to let the cats out. 

I told her who I was and she remembered me from my childhood. This creeped me out because I never remember officially meeting this woman. With her snaggle teeth and thick German accent, she says she gets my mail too. I wonder what happens to it but don't dare ask.

Then something happens. 

The unexpected.

I look in her eyes and see a sweet soul. Someone who longs to talk. So I allow it.

She tells me the box contains a present for a police woman that helps her feed cats, that she actually wakes up at 3am to go to one of our local college campuses to feed strays. This police woman keeps her safe so she got her a gift to thank her (other cops try to get Mrs. K in trouble for feeding the cats).

I tell her I love cats too, but only have one. She has ten! 

This woman isn't scary at all, she's simply an elderly cat lady. 

We talk for about 20 more minutes and she asks if I'd like to go with her to feed the cats on Saturday, then we can go to a rose sale that benefits the animal shelter. As scared as I am to get in the car with an 80 year old driver, I can't help but oblige. 

So there it is, my happy surprise today. It's always great to see what happens when I let preconceived ideas and notions get out of the way. I've connected with a woman who shares the same passion for cats that I do, who has probably always been very kind, just a little strange. I'm excited for Saturday. I'm grateful for my experience with the house around the block, the house I wouldn't go near, the house belonging to old Mrs. K.

A rolling stone gathers no moss...

... Yeah. He was talking about me. That's probably the first piece of advice I've received from my granddaddy in about 10 years. Never know if it's the last. But it was just on time.

See, I like to go.

I'm already looking for the next out.

I've been back in Florida for 4 months and it feels an eternity. I was already imagining the next move, once Grandma passes away and my responsibility here is complete. 

Yet those words took my breath away.

Is he right? 

Do I need to settle down and chill? 

Quit running... Maybe. 

It's not like I'm even running from anything. 

Am I? 

DBear 

aka Rolling Stone ;)

My sanddollar story of the day

There are many times that I walk through life completely oblivious to others needs, struggles, or anything but my problems. Lately, I have been so overwhelmed with my own struggles that I've been in that space- zoned out and self centered. 

So I took a break to come to Tampa, see my people, and renew the soul. It's a 48 hour trip yet I still had to handle some business, including visiting my alma mater for transcripts.

Then the miracle happened. Some call them God shots, some call them random coincidences, I prefer miracle or God shot.

I was at the registrar to fill out a transcript request. Walks in a boy I shall call John. I noticed him because of his FSU sweatshirt. We chat. I tell him I completed my undergrad at FSU then came to Tampa for grad. 

We chatted more. Turns out he is so overwhelmed he was considering giving up and dropping all of his classes. I tell him to please re-consider, there is help available and tell him where the counseling center is located. 

Then I go to the cashier to pay for said transcripts. I come back to give the registrar my proof of payment and there sits "John" on a bench in the concourse. 

"Any better?," I ask. 

"No," he replies.

I ask if he would be willing to go to the counseling center if I walked him over myself. I tell him they helped me a great deal while I was studying for my MPH. He agrees and we walk over. He asks how I knew to help and I don't have an answer. I told him I wasn't even supposed to be here today (true story). He says "I'm glad you were!" 

We walk in, sign him up for counseling, and I walk away feeling great. By taking a moment away from my own self centered chaos, I was able to walk someone through getting help. Definitely a Higher a Power working through me. Of myself, I am nothing. Thank you, God.

Also, thanks to a special former sponsor/soul sista who taught me the value of helping through the imagery of the starfish story (we call it the sanddollars story) but here it is

Love and light

DBear 

Why I will never move cross country again...

Because it sucks!! The end.

No really. It does!

Not only is moving hella stressful, but moving all the way from one side of the US to the next is ridiculous. 

The last seven weeks have been insane and part of me wants to go back. If it didn't mean moving allll the way back to California. Goodness. Part of the stress is that I didn't take care of everything I needed to take care of before leaving. 

Oops. 

You know, little stuff like making sure I had the title to my car, closing my bank account, giving my former employer my new address so I could get my W-2 (because apparently mail forwarding only lasts for a month? You'd think I hadn't moved so many times in the past ten years) I guess it just comes with more responsibility nowadays.

The added stress is the extreme culture shock being back in the south. I'm being patient, I really am. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. How is one part of the country so racist and homophobic and the other part is so diverse and sex positive? It's incredibly baffling.

If it wasn't for my grandmother, my life goals, and the insanity of moving 3000 miles, I'd turn right back around. I miss the Bay. I miss the people. The lake. Ok, I'm going to stop before this turns into a pity party rather than a blog post.

Not only is it the move, it's everything that was waiting on me here. My job hasn't panned out. That's been one nightmare after another. I feel as if I'm missing every deadline there is (job related and academic admissions) and am just behind on life, mostly because other people are in control of turning in certain documents and it's just a bit fuster cluck. All of it. I'm having to practice major patience and letting go of control over outcomes. It sucks. 

Am I questioning my decision? Yes. I do that with every move. Am I glad to be here with my family? Yes. Am I hella stressed? YES. 

Just needed to vent

Obviously, I can't end without gratitude-

I have a nice house with reduced rent

I get to be of maximum service to my family

St. John's and choir has welcomed me with open arms 

China kisses are unconditional and constant

And I do have some of those forever friends that are nice to be with here in tally 

If you're one of those, thank you. That's what I need the most.

Love and light 

The kind words of a stranger...

So here it is, dinner time, rush time (well, Tallahassee traffic anyway), and I am simply trying to get to Boston Market with Grandma... I can taste the creamed spinach, green beans, sweet potatoes, oh my... We finally get there and what?! Boston Market it GONE?! What in the world is wrong with my hometown? How did this happen? Unfortunately, I didn't have a backup plan.

So I pull in to New Leaf parking lot and phone a friend. Well, two, but the first didn't answer. My friend suggested a few places and Grandma chimes in "I'd like a burger and fries!" So Margit tells me about Vertigo. Voila! We are right around the corner...

I get nervous taking grandma places... Never sure what she will say, who she may offend. We enter and she immediately sees a baby. Grandma cannot pass up a chance to coo at a baby. It just isn't possible. She wants to take the baby home. The baby's mom is very polite, giving me this knowing grin, smiling that it is okay. I leave Grandma to talk to the baby while I order.

I come back to the table and try to distract her so the nice couple with the baby can enjoy their meal. Finally, iTunes Radio on the iPhone does the trick. I plug Grandma in to Christian radio and we await our food. At this point, I fear the entire dining room is staring at us. 

Our food finally comes and we begin to enjoy our meals- I with the quinoa/red bean burger, Grandma with the cow burger, and of course half rings/half fries. I beg Grandma to take it easy on the salt, she tells me not to tell Belinda (my mom, her daughter) and laughs. I give in. We are halfway through our meal and this very sweet woman comes up to me. She says, "I've watched you with you grandmother and I hope if I am ever in her situation, my grandchildren will be as good with me. You are truly an angel."

I nearly cried. 

I thanked her and almost explained the Alzheimer's but realized I don't have to make excuses for Grandma, that people simply understand. 

Grandma didn't think anything of it and we continued on as usual. 

Thank you to the stranger who just made my day. 

Grateful

Love and Light

Carla 

Didn't someone used to live here?

I'm beginning to understand the book "The 36 Hour Day"... I need to actually read it. Grandma is still full of questions-

Does Belinda know I'm here? (Belinda is my mom, her daughter) 

Didn't Henry used to live here? (My dad, he lived here 19 years)

Is he still living? Well that's good but where is he? Tell that boy I need to see him..

Are you my great granddaughter? (No I'm her granddaughter)

Today was what day?

Then the other questions- the more miscellaneous-

What is in that glass? (Body spray)

Why is that cat so fat? (No clue)

Grandma still wonders where her room is... She wanders to my old bedroom frequently, as that is where she would stay when I was a child. I remind her we stayed there, her in my trundle bed, for many weeks and weekends over the course of my childhood. She would scratch my back, I'd rub her arm. Ah, sweet memories. 

I hold on to these.

Always.

The times where Grandma seems too slow for me to take, I remember the good, I remember the patience she had with me. The nights she keeps me awake, all night long, I treasure the nights she held me as a baby, all night long. The irritability that occurs during sundown, I remember the hell I put her through as a teen. Mostly, I hold on to the good. As she would want me too.

Love and Light

Me 

What day is today?

This is one of Grandma's favorite questions.

"It's Saturday, Grandma."

"So has Sunday come yet?"

"No ma'am, that's tomorrow," I reply.

Then she always asks, "so when is day stay?"

"That's Monday, Grandma"

And this is how it goes. Most every weekend. It's interesting to me that she never mentions church anymore. She does tell me how she was the minister in Monticello for 16 years (true story) and how she would like to go back and see them... I don't tell her they've all died or gone to nursing homes. 

Anyway, today is Saturday. A dreary day, but a day with Grandma nonetheless. I has my first experience bathing her this morning. She usually does this on her own, but that's because she has a walk in shower at my mom's house. Here, it's just a traditional tub and shower. She's scared she will fall. So I help. Get her the shower chair and hop in with her. She doesn't seem to mind. Still, I'm overwhelmed with compassion. Grandma was always a private woman, she didn't even like us to watch her brush her teeth. Now, we help her bathe. I guess as long as she doesn't mind, it's all okay. 

Now back to her talking to me and singing to me as I fold the laundry. 

Happy Saturday.

Love and Light

DBear

Are you my granddaughter?

Those four words... I wondered when I would hear them. They didn't make me cry as I anticipated they would... But did take me by surprise. See, my grandmother has Alzheimer's (as many of you know). She was diagnosed in late 2005 and it's been a slow process. Throughout all of it, we have remained very close. I'm her only granddaughter and we've always had a very special bond. When I moved to Tampa, she thought I was just on vacation. When I moved to California, she started thinking my photos in her bedroom were talking to her, likely because I skyped her almost weekly. Now that I'm back, she's happy but a bit confused. I'm sure it will get better and I'll likely journal along the way. For now, I will have her Thursdays-Sundays. Last night was her first night at my place. She asked at least 10 times if she had been here before. Little does she know this is the house I was raised in. She would come here to help my mom take care of us multiple times throughout my youth. She also asks if my brother lives here... He's in Portland. But all together, she enjoys the time. Holding my 15 year old cat, vaguely remembering her from the last time she held her. Tonight she will likely look for her room a few times and get lost looking for the bathroom, but it will be ok. Because I am her granddaughter and I'm here to show her the way. 

Love and Light

Me

Woosah

How long has it been? Too long. I recently found years worth of journals that have been partially filled in... I'm sensing a pattern ;) So... Life lately... I'm beginning to understand why moving is up there next to death on the list of top life stressors. Especially if one naturally struggles with anxiety. It has been a ride for sure. On first landing in my hometown, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and being "home"... Not to mention gratitude for all of this space!! Having lived in condos for the past few years, I'm super grateful to have a whole house with 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a living room, a den, a huge kitchen (as if I cook) and did I mention a yard? (As if I garden) However, I am not used to it being so quiet. I forgot what that was like. I've also struggled with all the free time that comes with unemployment. It wasn't this hard in SF because there was always so much to do. Here, not as much. When I do want to go explore something, it's either storming or freezing. So it's been hard. 

I do have to give myself credit for some things-- I've spent an enormous time with family and in service. I meditate each morning for a half hour and am attending a local gym. I have commitments in meetings and church. I landed a job (starts in 2 weeks). My house is unpacked, minus my art supplies and books. I've accomplished a lot in a few weeks and it feels like I've been here for months. Yet this hasn't come without it's share of panic attacks and depression. It is getting better. It always does. 

Many have asked how I feel about being back. I don't really know. It's just different. I haven't lived here in 3 1/2 years. I am not who I was when I lived here before. I do have people here that expect me to be the person I was the day I left town. Thank God I am not that person. Unfortunately, that person can easily be made to come out, especially if I'm on shaky ground... And there are people who wish to push those buttons and shake me up. There are people who misunderstand me or try to fit me in a box of someone I'm not. For the most part, that isn't the case. Most people are glad I'm home and happy for me. My grandma and mom are overjoyed. My genuine friends are hella excited to spend time together. I'm meeting new people as with any other move. I've even gone on a date. I'm simply blooming where I'm planted and being open to what happens next..

Woosah

Love and Light

Me

Back in tally week 1

So I've been back for 8 days and it feels like a month. A trusted friend told me not to overcommit myself to things so quickly.. She knows me so well...

I am happy to say I am completely unpacked, I just need a desk, bookshelves, washer dryer, clothes that fit, etc. fingers crossed the job works out and I can start filling the house with necessities. For now, Grandma's room is set up, my room, living room, and kitchen. The necessities. We also have a schedule with grandma that should work (For those who don't know, my Grandma is my heart and the main reason for my return. Her Alzheimer's is progressing rapidly and I want to be here to follow through on the commitment I made in 2005...

Speaking of commitments, I have already worked out a mtg schedule, chairing a regular Tuesday night, going to others Mondays and Fridays, have joined the choir at St John's and that will take up Wednesdays and Sundays. To think, I was worried I'd be bored. On, and we had Christmas. Did I mention I arrived last week? Crazy. Roller derby will take a seat. Walking and biking will resume ASAP.

I slept all night last night, all day today, and just took more Benadryl so I'm near sleep now. Hope this was coherent. Small update. Will add more later

Xo

Love and light 

Cross Country 2.0... day 2?

I think? Yes, Day 2. 36 hours and 1200 miles down... around 1300 if you count by detour to see Joshua Tree. I must say I was not expecting the physical drain this driving is having on my body. Last time I did this, I had a co-pilot. This time, the step dad and I are driving separately. I do not usually like to complain about my physical state, but ouch. Hella pain. I'm about the foam roll the hell out of my hammies. It doesn't help that my right knee is the bad knee. However, cruise control (when I am not in traffic), seat massager/warmer, and stops for stretching are making it all bearable.
The main differences this year than 19 months ago are above (riding solo) and that I am taking a different route. I am also not driving the big 16 footer with my car towing behind on the flat bed, thank God! And I am not chain smoking, or smoking at all for that matter. I'm also not downing a million slim jims resulting in tons of swelling from the sodium. Nor am I fighting with the step dad. I guess the entire journey is a lot different than last time! China is still being chill about the whole thing.
Today was basically a success. I saw Joshua Tree Nat'l Park.... (For pics, see my FB or Instagram: name is sfbutterfly on there) it was beautiful, but did make me want to go climbing. Thank goodness I listen to my body today. I didn't make the best timing because of this detour but it was worth it. I also saw two shooting stars over New Mexico, only the second time in my life that I have seen back to back shooting stars... the first time was right before I moved from Tampa. Grateful.
The not so pleasant parts of today were the driving part ha. Also, I am now on the book on tape kick (because I'm my mother, apparently?) and my freaking CD player stopped working half way through my second book! It won't spit out or accept discs... I will chalk this up to Friday the 13th and hope it works tomorrow.
Oh, and I am grateful to be alive. There was a huge tire in the road today and had I not been paying attention, I would be seriously injured or dead tonight. I was able to slam on brakes (spilling a gallon of water...) and then get over to safety. China was a bit shaken but we are all good.
I am now in El Paso determining where to go tomorrow. I was going to go to San Antonio then Austin, then up to Oxford to see Jess.... however, my friend that was meeting me in Austin may have to bail so I could be going to Dallas Fort Worth, then Little Rock, then Jess. I've never been to DFW or Little Rock (unless you count airports in Dallas), so I am cool with either option!
For now, I say Good night :)
Love and Light
DBear

Before I leave Oakland....

So I haven't left yet and I'm realizing I can't do that before I write about my experiences here in the Bay. What a ride. I traveled during a large part of my time here but while I was here, I lived every minute of it to the fullest. Well, except for those "I just need Netflix, take out, and China" days :) 

I was very lucky to have a family here that somewhat adopted me when I moved out. Kylie, Cass, and Jasia, I'm looking at you!! Seriously. The best. I look forward to coming back every April for Jasia's birthday parties and will be booking my first trip out as soon as I get back to Florida. We had many great times, my skin thickened a LOT, I learned Cass talk, and most importantly, a little Brazilian girl stole my heart while teaching me Portuguese. I cannot wait to know what people are saying when we head to the Olympics in 2016! Heck, even what's being said at the commune will be good :)

My time here also came with meeting a lot of new friends, a few who will most definitely be forever friends. KMing and Joy Tyler, I freaking love you both. So much. In all your indecisiveness, Kristin, you are going to be a kick ass psychologist one day ;) Joy, you are a strong, beautiful woman who speaks nothing but truth and I love that! I of course do not want to overlook my other friends here but you ladies taught me a lot, listened to me sort out my nonexistent wanna-be love life, and complain about the flaky people of the Bay :) Mostly, you both taught me very different life lessons in your own way.

I also had many lessons come in the form of difficult times, but I'm glad to know I survived and held my head high. 

Today, I was able to return to the place I moved out here for (work) and say my goodbyes with no shame, sadness, or any negative emotion whatsoever. Rather, I was happy for the lessons, super grateful for being laid off, and lucky to have forever friends in some of my former coworkers. 

I won't say any of this has been easy. There have been many lonely times, homesickness, theft of a very special item that I may never get back, and some difficult dating drama... But it's all good in the hood. Always. 

I also have to give a hella loud shout out to Deak! This girl. Man. She came to my rescue when I was paralyzed by the move and what it all entails. Never enough words, lady, but I'll see you in Florida for sure!

So for those who visit SF, make sure you come see this place I call home for 12 more hours. Because I hella love Oakland and am grateful for the memories. 

Love and Light

Me 

Cross country Road tripping 2.0 entry 1

Anyone who knows me well knows I love road tripping... If I'm in my ride or on my time table anyway (prob why I trip solo most of the time) So Thursday begins my next big adventure. Cross-country 2.0. When I came out, I drove 40 over then connected to the old Route 66, got to visit Sedona (more touristy than I had hoped), meditate in the Grand Canyon, hug some Giant Sequoias among other things. The line up this time is to go down to 10, visiting Joshua Tree before leaving California. Not the original route I wanted considering I've been up and down I-5 no less than 8 times since September. However, ice storms will dictate my travel (I've never driven in snow and don't care to learn during this move)... So I-5 to I-10 it is. Then I'll go through lower AZ and NM, then the dreaded TX drive. However, I am picking a friend up in Austin Sunday afternoon and we will drive to Memphis on Monday... Either staying south going through NoLa or going north through Little Rock... My vote is the latter since I've done NoLa a few times. Visiting Memphis as an adult will be nice, going to see where MLK marched, history, yes! Excited :) after this, I will go see the Spons in Oxford, then on to Florida. I have to skip STL due to ice.

So friends, questions for you... What MUST I see going this route, where MUST I eat in Austin, etc...

Comment below or on my FB page. Thanks!!

Love and Light

DBear 

An honest appraisal

This move has been emotionally taxing... Mainly because I keep going back and forth, wondering if I'm making the right decision. Lots of talks with the Spons have helped, lists have helped as well... Also, not listening to those who are negative... Unfortunately, there will always be negative nancies..

See, I moved out here for a job... One I found while I was on vacation here because I talked to a stranger on a bus. So I thought surely it was all meant to be, I'd be here forever, meet someone, have kids, etc. Yet all of that changed when I lost the job. 

I didn't have my hometown in mind until I went back and saw my family, met with my mentors, and drew up a plan with a pro and con list. Florida won. Yet there's still that lingering thought wondering what my purpose was here and if I accomplished all I was supposed to accomplish while living here.  I'm not God, so I cannot answer these questions, but I can take an honest appraisal of what I've accomplished here-- below are my top 10... Because reaffirmations are positive 

1.) I became a professional. Yes, I worked many jobs prior to moving here, but I never was a professional without school... One that travels, networks, gives presentations, trains others, participates in webinars and conference calls, draws up business plans, evaluation plans, write reports, etc.

2.) I quit smoking (hell, that right there is a miracle) and became a vegetarian (tried vegan but that didn't last)

3.) I started dating again. Like legit dates. Yeah, that's not so much fun. Although I may have had a better experience if I wasn't so married to my job. 

4.) I've made some great lifelong friends out here and hosted my first huge dinner party (meaning more than just four people)

5.) I had a few huge personal growth experiences through Landmark and experienced a level of letting go and forgiveness of myself and others that I wasn't aware existed for me...

6.) I experienced my first lay off at the same time I experienced a big health crisis... all the emotions that come with these life events, as well as the beauty that comes; beauty in the sense of being able to fully enjoy life not knowing where my next money will come, keeping my commitments when I was too depressed to move, working with sponsees when I was in so much physical pain I could barely stand, and so on. I won't claim to have handled either situation perfectly, and I am still dealing with the health issues, but I don't have to let it dictate my life today.... Whatever "it" is at any given moment.

7.) Nearly the entire state of California has now been seen and explored by yours truly :)

8.) I allowed myself to let someone go because I knew the two of us had completely different values and goals... This is a huge difference than the "claw mark leaving, holding on til death do us part" Carla.

9.) Date nights with self have continued but I went to the other extreme and had "too much" alone time, so I have re-balanced that by spending more time with people.

10.) Most importantly, I have moved to a city I had only visited once with no family nearby and thrived. Yes, I lived in a very scary neighborhood my first three months here.. gunshots and all.. but I found my place lakeside/downtown and have completely enjoyed the neighborhood. I've survived an asshat roommate and didn't have to be rude or angry. I had my first car burglary and handled it with grace. This town has hit me hard a few times yet I've held my head up and my spirits high. Because we all deserve happiness and serenity, no matter what little piece of the Earth we call home.

Love and Light

DBear

Moving....

Really can suck. Or it can be a time of letting go of the clutter and accepting a new life of being a minimalist.... (Well, except clothes. I have multiple sizes because I'm a PCOS woman who fluctuates... And I like clothes) Or it can suck. I'm going between the two at the moment. Mainly because I'm a tad on the OCD side and it feels like someone is constantly sitting on my chest, making even the slightly deep breaths seem impossible. What helps? Lists. Talking it out. Walking away from it all for a few... Even if it's to just go to the lake and back (I have a lake at the end of my street) 

So yeah. There's my check in. I'd really LOVE for the Craigslisters to follow through and come get this furniture so I have less to move. However, if it doesn't happen, there is a UHaul on reserve (hold the jokes, it's just me and the cat, no UHauling for this lez)

As far as the logistics, this move will be a bit different than how it was a year and a half ago. Back then, my stepdad and I drove together, a big truck with a flatbed tow for my car. We survived. Barely. This year, it will be me driving solo and he will be driving solo. I swear he's reliving his Route 66 glory days. He flies out the night before we leave. I pack my ride, he packs his rental, and we drive. I'm a bit nervous as we aren't doing a caravan, I'm going my own way and he's going his way. But it will be fine. As much as I road trip, I'm sure all will be well. Depending on weather, I will drive up/over to STL first (major detour, I know) and then down to Tallahassee. Taking a stop in Mississippi of course. So that's the plan. Departing the 11th. I plan on updating from the road, although it won't be nearly as entertaining as the updates of me and my stepdad fighting like cats. China was the most well behaved, actually. 

Pray for traveling mercies and no snow storms in the Midwest

Love and Light

Me

A different kind of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. Next to New Year's of course. It was always very consistent... At least in my memories. We would have a huge family meal with our Alabama family and it was usually a family trip (not sure about my dad as I can't recall if he went or not). When we weren't with my mom's family in Alabama, we would be at my Nanny's in Sycamore. (Again, my memory isn't clear as I mostly think of Alabama when I think of Thanksgiving)... All of that started to change when I started moving around a lot at age 18, but I still managed to spend it with family... When I wasn't in treatment anyway. Two years ago, I spent it with other family in Tampa because I couldn't get away due to work in grad school. Last year, I was living out here in SF but spent Thanksgiving in St. Louis. This year, the plan was to go to the Indigenous People's Sunrise Gathering at Alcatraz then have dinner with a friend at her church. However, that friend got sick. We did get to go to ceremony, but did not get to eat. I was able to make her veggie soup and teas and watch movies with her and help watch her daughter. It was definitely a different thanksgiving but reminded me of how lucky I am to have family everywhere I go. I think I must get that trait from my mother- the ability to build community and family wherever I am. Don't get me wrong, I've become a lot more of a loner since moving to SF but I still seek and build community. Not just Friends of Bill either. I'm grateful for this. Do I get scared or homesick? Yes. Of course. But I also believe the general nature of people is to want to be with other people. We crave community. We build those relationships. I've had a harder time doing that here than everywhere else, but it's happened and I'm grateful. I keep a very small circle here but it's been my circle and I'm grateful. I will surely miss my Bay Area family. And yes, I did get a thanksgiving meal as we had dinner (lunch) at my friend's daughter's school Wednesday (in the Redwood forest!) and I had leftovers at another friend's house yesterday (Brussel sprouts, parsnips, and yams at least! So good!). I did not shop, as I never do on Black Friday and I'm downsizing anyway. I am packing for my cross country move (yes, I'm crazy to do this twice in less than two years) and selling things rather than buying. I'd be happy if buyers would line up at my house, just come in peace :)

Love and Light,

DBear

Who says you can't go home?

Two blogs in one night... It's been a while. Let me preface this entry by saying I am a grown woman and need nobody's approval of any life decision I make. However, it has been quite interesting to see and hear the reactions of people finding out I am leaving SF to return to my hometown. That's right. I am coming home. Reponses range from "Why??!" to "Yes, come on home! We want you back" (that's been the main theme from those closest to me). But those who still live in my hometown and feel "stuck" there or those who live out here and can't imagine living in the south rightfully question my decision to return. 

When it comes down to it, I am making a decision based on the benefits outweighing the risks so to speak. Are there downsides of being in a non-progressive state? Absolutely. Are there downsides of being thousands of miles away from family? Most definitely. When it comes to my reasons, there are many. Some are too personal for discussion here. I will say it's the best move financially, professionally, physically, Spiritually, and emotionally. And that is that.

But feel free to continue responding on both ends of the spectrum, I find these responses quite entertaining. And if you're unhappy in your hometown, move. I did. I've been gone nearly 4 years and I'm ready to come settle down for a while.

Love and Light 

DBear

Oh the places you'll go....

Up until a few years ago, I could easily count every state or major city I had visited... I could tell you a little about each one, and most of my world was SouthEasternUS-centric... meaning I hadn't traveled very far away from AL/FL/GA... Yet I always wanted to travel. And travel I have done. Today, I have to think long about every where I have been and what I can tell you about each place (Note to self... write more travel blogs)... But I will at least start with a list. On this list, I am going to write the states, cities, etc. I have visited for any specific purpose or length of time. A layover does not count. If it is a state I went through on my cross country trip, that will be in perens. This is more for myself, but may as well have it up on my blog like the rest of my adventures. I was going to skip over all of Florida since I was raised there, but it counts too ;) However, I will not include suburbs, or rural country towns surrounding cities (i.e. Quincy, Gretna, etc for Tallahassee) as the list would be entirely too long. Also, this is only including the US. I have much more ground to cover, but it's a decent start for this twenty-something road tripper, especially considering I've gone on many solo...

1. Vancouver, WA
2. Portland, OR
3. Eugene, OR
4. Crescent City, CA
5. Redwood Nat'l Park
6. Eureka, CA
7. North Bay (Includes Sonoma, Marin, Sausalito, etc.)
8. San Francisco, CA
9. East Bay (Includes Oakland, Berkeley, and all of the burbs)
10. South Bay (Palo Alto... where Stanford is)
11. Sacramento, CA
12. Reno, NV
13. Pyramid Lake, CA
14. Los Angeles, CA
15. Hollywood, CA
16. Long Beach, CA
17. Beverly Hills, CA
18. San Diego, CA
19. Palm Springs, CA
20. Sedona, AZ
21. Grand Canyon Nat'l Park
22. Sequoia Nat'l Park
23. New Mexico (passing through on road trip)
24. Oklahoma (passing through on road trip)
25. Houston, TX
26. San Antonio, TX
27. Arkansas (passing through... want to go back to Ozarks and Little Rock)
28. New Orleans, LA
29. Oxford, MS
30. Memphis, TN
31. Nashville, TN
32. Johnson City, TN
33. Knoxville, TN
34. Hendersonville, NC
35. Smoky Mountains
36. Rocky Mountains (almost forgot CO)
37. Denver, CO
38. Aurora, CO
39. Fort something, CO (For a state convention)
40. Estes Park, CO
41. Washington DC
42. Baltimore, MD
43. Arlington, VA
44. Pittsburgh, PA
45. Philadelphia, PA
46. Boston, MA
47. Atlanta, GA
48. Augusta, GA
49. Does Macon, GA count?
50. Albany, GA
51. Every little town in Georgia
52. Tallahassee, FL (lived there)
53. Jacksonville, FL
54. Pensacola, FL (lived there)
55. Tampa, FL (lived there)
56. Nearly every beach in Florida
57. Miami, FL
58. Orlando, FL
59. Every small town in Florida
60. Hilton Head Island, SC
61. Savannah, GA
62. St. Simon's Island, GA
63. St. Louis, MO (I had to stop and think what state STL is in.. wow)
64. On Monday, I can add Yosemite to this list.
65. Most of lower Alabama

I am quite certain I am leaving things off, but I wanted to document what I can so far. Especially considering I am about to do another cross country trip. I have one of three routes planned, depending on snow. My preference is to go up to STL (Going through Utah, Nebraska, etc.) then down to Tallahassee (stopping in Mississippi to see the Spons) but weather must cooperate... I have never driven in snow...

Feel free to add to this list if you know me and remember more than I do at the moment.

OH, and missing from this list is NYC and the Falls (my mother and I have been planning that since I was 15.... still waiting..)

Love and Light
Dbear

No place like home...

It's interesting to note how my experiences of "coming home" have evolved over the last few years... (I'm realizing I've completely left out a blog about my trip to Boston aka first trip to New England aka awesomeness... But this isn't a travel blog... Although... That's a great idea for me!)

Back to home... When I first moved away, I would get homesick frequently and come home often. There was most always some drama while I was visiting and it never really ran smooth. Yet I was still excited to make those trips, and probably came home too often for someone who was in grad school and working multiple jobs. I know the stress wore on my body and I'm quite surprised I didn't end up in worse physical condition than a few ulcers. It was odd... I'd come home because I missed people, but would get here and feel hella lonely. Or I'd fight with my closest friend at the time. Or had some family drama. Or felt out of place. This was all while I was in tampa. I see now that a lot of it was me pushing people (and my hometown) away because the homesickness was no fun. I figured if I picked fights, I wouldn't be so sad to leave when it was time. That went on for 2 years but slowly faded... 

Then I moved to California. Coming home took on a whole new role. Trips were fewer and farther between... Visiting was a culture shock the first time I came home. I wasn't prepared for how southern it really is here. How non-progressive Florida is... But the good parts shocked me too. Feeling safe. Peace. Quiet. Most of all, the times with my family and friends were becoming more productive. Less drama and more deep and meaningful relationships. 

It's now been 3 1/2 years since I moved away and I can honestly say coming home has a completely different meaning to me today. This trip especially has caused a profound alteration in my truth and reality of what home means to me. What does this truth and reality mean for my future? More will be revealed... 

Love and Light

DBear 

Let's celebrate the things we like about ourselves!

So I see so many girls posting the photo below asking other people what they like about them. I have a better idea! Why don't we post things WE like about each of these? I'll start

1. Eyes- I like the way my eyes sparkle and have little freckles in them

2. Smile- I like that my smile is so big with a cute little crooked aspect to it

3. Face- I like the youthfulness of my face, and no acne is a plus

4. Body- I like that my body can do healthy things like hiking, swimming, walking, and biking 

5. Words- I like that I can use my words to express myself, in a beautiful way

6. Personality- I like my wit  

7. Attitude- I like that I find gratitude and the upside of everything

8. Jokes- I like that I can laugh at myself 

9. Everything- I like me?

10. Something else- I like my resiliency 

Your turn 

I could be that guy

I was watching Grey's tonight (typical Thursday) and as usual, learned a lesson I needed to learn... Or at least acknowledge once again. It isn't in the what happens, it's in our reactions to what happen.

This quadriplegic found out he has an inoperable brain tumor and has to stop doing this state of the art sensory treatment, yet the treatment has given him more movement than in years past. 

Yet he has this amazing attitude! This "nothing will stop me, I've got sensory abilities back, hands that can play tetris, and you're not stopping this treatment without my consent... Unless of course you take my tumor out!" How cool is that! This guy is a quadriplegic with a brain tumor and is totally owning his destiny. He's like screw you doc, this is how it's gonna be.

So after a long day of battling my own brain, I'm saying screw it brain! I'm owning my own attitude. I have no clue what news I receive Monday or Tuesday regarding this most recent job interview, but it will not make me or break me. And it definitely won't be a brain tumor or paralysis! 

(To catch everyone up on that, I am in this unemployment purgatory where I have one "amost guaranteed" job that wouldn't start until after the holidays, and this other job I'm in the running for that would start right away... And every travel plan I had for the first couple of week of November is on hold... Just talking about it brings me anxiety, so I'm just going to stop talking now) 

Anyways, there's my mini lesson tonight

Love to all, light to all

DBear 

Reiki + Bear = The best thing since sliced bread!

Disclosure: I did not ask for permission before writing this... Sometimes in life, it is better to just do it and ask for forgiveness later. Bear, please forgive me, but I have to tell the world how awesome you are...

Many of you know I have an adopted dad named Bear. He and I have been writing hand-written letters to one another since I moved from home in 2010. This, I find healing in itself and I am sure the post office is grateful for our communications. However, our relationship has gone much deeper over the last couple of years. Bear began learning Reiki at the ripe old, but young at heart, age of 70+
and has now moved in to distance Reiki.

Reiki (to me) is an exchange of energy, a spiritual healing that takes place within this exchange. Some may liken it to the laying of hands they do in the Bible belt, but I find it to be in it's own category because it does not require any belief but a mere willingness to be open and be connected, a willingness to be still and receive. It is open to all faiths, colors, shapes, sexual orientations, etc. Yes, it helps to be connected to a higher source of strength in order to receive the Reiki. I find that when I am on a more even keel, I am better able to receive. And receipt of this Reiki puts me on such an even keel. So back to Bear, he went through extensive training and continues to do so. His energy seems to strengthen the more he does this work, and he has taken on four clients a day now. The cool thing about Bear is he does this by donation or barter system, he has yet to ask for a dime. I am his daughter, so I get top treatment... and I was his guinea bear :)

I had experienced one healing in 2009 by another Reiki practitioner, Vivian (Ladybug)... she did a session on me before I was set to have knee surgery. I went in for the surgery and the doctor said the bone they were set to remove was no longer floating around, it had miraculously fixed itself.

Fast forward to today... Anyone who knows me personally knows my struggles. From depression and anxiety, to substance abuse and an eating disorder, dealing with any huge life change is a task. However, my mental psyche has been cool and calm through this entire lay-off ordeal. Which is saying a LOT. Even through all of the injuries, I haven't freaked out and taken it out on my body by restricting... Which leads me to my knee...

Bear has been working tirelessly on my right knee. Mom's friends (mine too) have prayed about it.. I lost my insurance so I am now completely at the mercy of miracles and natural healing. Back in June, I had 3 back to back injuries on my knees. I was put on steroids. Between that and eating crap, I gained a LOT of weight, which put more stress on my knee. Up until today, even swimming hurt, unless I just swam with my arms. Sunday, my knee slipped out and I had to put it back in. Today, I woke up pain free (this never happens), and was even able to bike. I chose bike because I had been avoiding it forever and that still, small voice said to try. So I did. Today, I did a mini biathlon with no pain, no ibuprofen, just me, water, and exercise. My knee hasn't swollen, I do not have knives sticking in it, no pins, tingling, nothing. Miracles, I tell ya, miracles.

I could go on and on about this... even the mystery spot in my stomach was cured... the one doctors couldn't figure out to save their life. I'm also still a non-smoker (almost 10 months), and am willingly making healthier food choices. It will take a while to get completely back on track with my physical health, but I have the best practitioner there is. And he sends me distance Reiki every morning! Thank you, Bear, I woof thee!!!

P.S. I HIGHLY recommend you try Bear Reiki for ANY problem you may have. If you're in Tallahassee, he either comes to you or you go to him. If you're at a distance, no problem! Contact me for a way to reach him. Yes, we need to set up a website for him... I will await his approval to do so :)

Love and Light,
DBear

The single 29 year old- Pros and Cons

Sometimes people ask me if I enjoy being single. If I have any plans on being in a serious relationship anytime soon. I really don't think of it that often. Only when I'm insomniatic or really lonely... The loneliness is rare. See, I spend a lot of time alone, but I'm not lonely. It took many years for me to reach this place of comfort with my own company. It's priceless. Do I miss ex-lovers? One. But more than that, I miss my ex BFF. To me, that relationship was more than anything a lover could have given me. I'm about to get real here but here goes- sexual intimacy, I can do that myself. The emotional intimacy, that is what I crave. Someone who gets me and all my faults and loves me the same. So I can get that from my girlfriends (the platonic ones, smart butts, yeah you know who you are.) So I've come up with a list of pro-single items. It's been years since my last healthy relationship (non platonic) so bare with me here... 

Pros of singlehood

1. I can be on my time, all the time.

2. Traveling solo is much easier, in my opinion. Unless you have an awesome travel companion (rare)

3. I can pick up and move anywhere at any given time.

4. My cat loves all the attention

5. I don't have to obsess about a call or text or wondering when she's coming home (I never really did that anyway)

6. No baggage but my own.

7. More attention to genuine friends and family members because I am not sucked in to the one-tracked mind of love boat

8. My money or lack thereof is my own... Fully self-supporting, independent woman. 

9. I obsess over my weight enough. I don't want to worry about doing this for another's pleasure as well. Then again, a true love will love me no matter my size. 

10. I have too much stuff to share my closet. 

Cons of singlehood

1. Always wondering if I will find that once in a lifetime true love

2. Dating. It just sucks 

3. Online dating. It just sucks 

4. Missing someone to help with the little things... Groceries, household stuff, carrying my things when on crutches. Then again, friends have stepped up to do this (see pro list #7)

5. Wondering if I will do the baby rearing alone (yes, I have a donor dad picked out, but can I handle single motherhood)

6. I'd put cuddling here but there's only one person I ever enjoyed cuddling and she was off limits 

7. I'd put massages but see con list #6 (above)

8. Someone to share all the details of my life with... (See pro list #7)

9. I'm out of cons at the moment

Share your thoughts, I'd love to hear them. 

Cha cha real smooth...

Last night, I had someone tell me I had such a good attitude and outlook regardless of my recent "unfortunate circumstances." I'd love to pretend that's true, that I really have it all together. In reality, it just sucks to be depressed and a Debby Downer, Sullen Sally, whatever... So I may as well just make the best of each day and take it all in stride.

Then I came upon this sign, pictured below...

It reminded me of when I had to go to eating disorder treatment sober (talk about a step backward!) But while I was there, a good friend sent me a card with the lyrics of the "cha cha slide" (my favorite dance... Ever)

So, Mel, thank you for that card all those years ago... And random person, thank you for today's sign. I choose to be the optimist. And rember, it can ALWAYS be worse! (Lyrics below... Just dance!)

Love and light

Me

Now it’s time to get funky 
To the right now, to the left 
Take it back now ya’ll 
1 hop this time, 1 hop this time 
Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps 
Slide to the left, slide to the right 
Criscross, criscross 
Cha Cha real smooth 

Let’s go to work 
To the left, take it back now ya’ll 
2 hops this time, 2 hops this time 
Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps 
Hands on your knees, hands on your knees 
Get funky with it, aahhhhhhhhhh yaaaa 
Come on, Cha Cha now ya’ll 

Turn it down, to the left 
Take it back now ya’ll 
5 hops this time 
Right foot let’s stomp, left foot let’s stomp 
Right foot again, left foot again 
Right foot let’s stomp, left foot let’s stomp 

Freeze, Everybody Clap yo hands 
Come on ya’ll, check it out 
How low can you go? 
Can you go down low? 
All the way to da floor? 
How low can you go? 
Can you bring it to the top? 
Like it never never stop? 
Can you bring it to the top? 
1 hop, right foot now 
Left foot now ya’ll 
Cha Cha real smooth 

My 12 Relief Valves...

Every pressurized system needs a relief valve. There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension, before it becomes too much to bare. There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn't find a way out, it will make one. It will explode. It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bare. The pressure to be better then we already are. The pressure to be better than we think we can be. It never ever lets up. It just builds and builds and builds. (Meredith Grey) 

This has been my life lately. Just to catch you all up: lost job. thought I m found a new job. That one fell through. I may have found another new job, but 

there is an extensive waiting period. In the meantime, my car was burglarized and the most precious item I had was stolen (warrior necklace) Throw in a death and a couple of lost relationships, ridiculous amounts of judgment from people who have no clue, and we have ourselves one hell of a month. 

So, time for the positives... How have I not exploded? 

1. Lots of actual face time and phone time with friends and family

2. Service work

3. Physical exercise when I can

4. Reiki! every morning from Bear 

5. A new healthy lifestyle. 

6. Believe it or not, I'm still smoke free (9 months) Instead of grabbing sugar or diet  coke, I grab raw snap peas, green beans, carrots, celery, etc.

7. Laughter with a 2 year old!

8. New sponsees

9. travel! Free travel! I've seen more of California this month than I have all year!

10. Music

11. Netflix w/ China cuddles on the side

12. Knowing without a doubt that set backs are temporary

All in all, I really have been reminded of the important things in life and which friends truly have my back. That is a gift no amount of money can buy. Thank God because I'm poor in the monetary sense ;)

Love and light

Dbear 

And then reality came crashing down

How did I let three weeks go by without writing? I guess because I am tired. I have been submitting resumes, answering emails and phone calls, along with wrapping up at work since my last blog... and my family has been here nearly a week.
Then it all hit me tonight... I do not have a job. I have not been without a job since I was 15 years old. Unless we count those stints in rehabs and institutions... but even in my halfway houses, I was always working. Even if I messed up jobs, I still found other ones. Now, here I am, on this Labor Day Night realizing I have no office to go to tomorrow.
When I say it aloud, I start to panic. My eyes get a little teary, I have a hard time catching my breath... what the hell am I going to do? Yes, I have my consulting business, but I have no active contracts at the moment. I am in communication with people and places about different options, but there are no firm plans. Again, that feeling... unsettled. Truth is I saw myself at NAHC for the long haul. I was married to work, having no issue putting in 15 hour days if that is what needed to be done, or flying coast to coast if that was necessary... whatever was needed, I was there. Now I am here. Unsettled. Unsure. With a lot more free time on my hands....
So here's tonight's plan. Enjoy my time with mom. She is here through Wednesday. Enjoy tomorrow with her. Enjoy Wednesday with her. Take a meeting on Thursday (work related, but non-paid, just keeping a commitment and "passion project"), and head to Santa Cruz Friday to see a friend. I can look at this in many ways. For tonight, I am going to wipe the few tears I shed, and look at all the free time I have... to rehab my knee, do my art, search out options for some classes I've wanted to take, visit various meetings around town, build clientele, and decide what I want to do. When I put it that way, it sounds like a lot of self-love and time a lot of people wish they could take for these things. So I will hold on to that. As always, one day at a time..
Love to all, light to all
me.

Miracles happen here... the growth I randomly discovered from a passage written long ago...

Tonight, I decided it was finally time to go through my computer and start piecing together the book I have wanted to write forever... I was amazed at some of the things I found... dark poems from times in my life where the emotional turmoil was so great, I could only write (I'm like Adele.. I write "hits" when heartbroken).. and other pieces I completely forgot about... The beauty in this is I can see the growth. I see where I was so down and depressed that no matter what happens today, I do not have to reach that emotional bottom.
The following was written December 23, 2010... (I haven't even gone through my paper journals dating back to 2005)-- yes, some of the post below is extremely personal, but if I am going to write this book, I have to practice my transparency more and more each day. I am grateful to have become the woman I describe in the last paragraph, the flameless candle that shines rather than burns, the candle that has found her freedom. Love and Light, Me.

"Some fight with their fists, others use words. Whether the words are cruel or manipulative, silence or screaming, these are the worst wounds to heal. The emotional wounds, much more difficult than the physical. All of my life, I have been exposed to various forms of abuse. Though the early parts of my abuse history were not of my choosing and were completely out of my control, I have attracted the same type of abusive characters into this drama that is my life. In these relationships, I would stay longer when I should have gone, I would egg on the fights, spitting out words sharper than razor blades, repeating the cycle as so many do. Before sobriety, I hit back. Then I would just hit. Or throw things. After getting sober, I decided this must change. What I did not realize is that I still carry within me the capacity to abuse, the worst possible type: the emotional. I carry within me the need to take hostages, the need to have possession, the need to show my victim that she is the most important person in the world and expect her to show me the same. I carry within my the jealousy of a scorned lover, and will make you feel like you are going crazy because I feel I am going crazy and nobody wants to get on that train alone. I carry within me the desperation of a child who was abandoned, neglected, beat down, rejected… a child that just wants to be loved, protected, acknowledged, appreciated, wanted.

I must stop fighting. I must stop this cycle.

Although I do carry these rather unpleasant parts of myself, I am realizing there are parts of me that can be of use. There is the selflessness, the thoughtfulness, the caretaker self. There is the part of me that can lift another’s soul and spirit. I carry within me a battered and broken, but enormous heart, with more room for love than heartache.  So where is the balance? All of these parts can be manipulated to my own selfish ends, so I must find the balance of shining without burning. A bright light that is safe to be near. Not a flame. Rather, a flameless candle. One that shines so bright with thoughtfulness and selflessness, not expecting the same in return and burning you if you do not meet said expectations. This is my prayer, that I become this person. Maybe then, my soul will finally get a glimpse of freedom, health, and become whole." 

© Carla McClellan, 2010

Suit up, Show up... show your face to save your a$$

This life thing surely has a way of throwing some major curve balls. I was completely blindsided this week by devastating news... it completely shook me to the core, mainly because I really did not expect it. At all. It's interesting because I had just come out of a week or two long depression, was feeling much better, and then bam! There it is. Life on life's terms...

Yes, I was laid off from my job (I have 30 days) Yes, I was completely shocked because I am a kick ass evaluator, program planner, data analyst, writer, organizer, you name it, I can do it... but funding cuts happen and that's just where we are. I had my dream job. I lost my dream job. There are many things I could say about this, but I will not because it is all not worth my emotions and energy. I do know it is a terrible feeling going to work wondering who will be next to get laid off. If congress would have gotten their s*it together, this would have never happened. But it is what it is.. and it's life.

So what has helped me? Everyone says I am so strong. I tell you, I don't feel strong. It took all I had to get out of bed today. It took everything in me to smile and carry on like my life hasn't been turned upside down. I reach out. I take the appropriate actions. Left foot, right foot, stay sober, help others, suit up, and show up. I still cannot eat much, just because my stomach always is the first to go when overwhelmed with such stress. However, because I was able to suit up and show up, the following miracles are happening-- I met some fabulous women at a meeting a couple of hours after I got laid off, and I also got a new sponsee. I showed up to a meeting today and three different people asked for my resume. I was also able to put in an application for another job. I have people who are willing to vouch for my work and recommend me for other jobs. Things are already getting better, and it's only been 4 days. 

I will not pretend there isn't an ebb and flow here. I freaking love the community I work for, I loved everything about my job, minus a few small details. I gave it my all. And again, I kicked ass at that job. But I have to know that if that is the door that closed, an amazing window is about to open. That is just how it works in life. Hell, I landed this job by meeting a stranger on a bus when I was on vacation and wasn't even looking for a job. That stranger led me to one agency (and my grama gayle) that led me to my current agency, and I was able to move to the best city in the U.S. and work 14 months at my dream job. 

So like I said, if that door is closing, I cannot wait to see what is about to open up for me! 

There it is. This is me. Suiting up and showing up. Living life on life's terms. I am a warrior but I do cry, a lot... I just do what I was taught in the very beginning. To keep on keeping on, and don't drink or drug, no matter what, suit up, show your face to save you ass.. Miracles happen here. 

Love and Light

DBear

"Things will be different tomorrow"

This is a saying I heard very early on and I'm grateful I've always held on to this.. Things are different today. I chose actions that have made this a great day! I suited up, showed my face to save my a... You get the idea :)

I had the privilege of attending a women's recovery conference and then spending time on Creations by Carla as my mom calls it (see? Started as a cardboard box)

And now I have someone who is my first customer. I will be creating something in honor of her mother. I absolutely LOVE creating art from various "stuff" so I'm in Heaven at the moment :) 

See, much different than the depression that engulfed me all week. So grateful for the "this too shall pass"

And thank you to all the friends and family who reached out to me last night

Love and Light

DBear 

Being human isn't being a failure

Right?

I haven't wanted to post in a while because I hate the vulnerability that comes with the difficult truths about myself. The difficult truths include my tendencies towards depression, my family history of mental illness, past suicide attempts, eating disorders, substance abuse, just to name a few.

It's ironic that I was just thinking about how far removed I was from these parts of myself. I thought that on my sober date in June. I consciously thought "wow, these things were a lifetime ago."

I'll be damned if three weeks later, life didn't smack me down to reality that some of these things may never fully go away, there will always be ebbs and flows. It's how I choose to handle these situations...

Do I want to seek professional help again? Do I want to ride it out and depend on my usual methods (although hiking and extreme exercise are off the table), how do I want to handle it? I would like to say I've done great... I've pushed through without fighting, I've maintained my serenity, zen, etc...

However, that just isn't the case this time around. I cry for no reason, I obsess over the things I cannot change, I isolate...

However, I am starting to get to the other side...

I've reached out to friends and family. I've allowed people to help me. I've talked to my doctor about what I think is causing the depression's return (meds for my knee, lack of activity), and I've also pursued something that my soul will not let go of... Something I am destined to do. Someone I am destined to be. And of course, I've done my art.

Most of all, I've been there for others that need help. This is helping the most. I wish I could say I haven't caused harm during this dark spot in my life. I have. Yet I can see the good, I can find the gratitude, I see the bright spot shining through. Grateful heart.

So what helps you when times are rough? I'd love to hear your thoughts... 

Love and light

DBear 

Have you ever seen a fat mermaid?

I love my Spons for this quote tonight. Truth is, I am not as content as I pretend to be when it comes to my health, I've shrugged off my knee problem for years. I've had repeated surgeries and still seem to think it is okay to do ridiculous activities when it pain (rock climbing, hiking, softball, hockey)... I was asked if I googled what NOT to do when you have a recurring knee injury and then decided to do everything on the list. When I give my activities an honest appraisal, the answer is simple... I do not accept what is. This is not to say I cannot do these things when I am doing my PT at the same time or under the guidance of a doctor, but when I go out and play (insert sport) on a knee that is already hurting, that is just asking for more pain. 

I have options. I could get more cortisone injections. This is the longest I've gone without them in years. But I know the long term consequences. They weaken the immune system, break down whatever cartilage I have left (not much), and leave me at risk for many other health conditions. I could have my knee scoped again. But that comes with anesthesia and is also a temporary fix. I cannot and will not have a replacement. (One, they will not allow it until I am 35; two, I do not want one until the knees are much more advanced.) I could also try synvisc again. There aren't many studies about long term consequences because it is newer. I know it worked in Tampa, but only for a short term because I chose to rock climb in Colorado less than a month after my injections.

Other options (more sane options)-- physical therapy, Reiki, swim therapy, knee braces, basic care for my knee, self love... That includes sitting out a softball game if in pain. Even if it's a tournament my family is coming 3,000 miles to watch. 

So those are my options. And, well, low impact activities... The reason this bothers me so much? I'm a recovering anorexic and exercise addict. The last time I was in this bad shape where I could not do certain physical activities landed me in a tailspin of unhealthy living which included starving myself to the max. It got so bad I was lying to everyone close to me and size zeros were falling off but I thought I was huge. Yes, this was years ago, but my brain still goes there. Thankfully, I do not act on these thoughts (well, occasionally the exercise addict), but I still go there... Can I lose the weight I need to lose by doing low impact activities? Am I destined to a life of obesity and wheelchairs? (No dramatic flair there) You get the idea. 

So I was reminded tonight, have you seen any fat mermaids?! 

Nope. 

So with that, I introduce my mermaid self to you all :) Hopefully I will fall in love with swimming all over again and can feel the same feeling as if I were on the softball field or the ice. For today, I am just grateful for a pool at an amazing fitness center (Club One represent), and legs to kick. Hey, maybe one day, I can surf ;)

Love to all, light to all

DBear

Finding the silver lining...

Is such a must in my life. For those who follow me on facebook, you all know I've had my share of illnesses and "life stuff" this past month (I blame Mercury being in retrograde, but that's another story for another time)

I had an amazing Pride weekend, then busted my knee. I'm still partially on crutches... Was to be on them for a month, but I decided to play doctor and we all know how that goes...

However, this led me to being able to be of service in the rooms because I wasn't able to workout as much. It's also led me back to swimming. I've always loved swimming; I just prefer hockey, softball, and rock climbing. For someone who falls UP stairs, it's best I stick to swimming and yoga, things like this... The injury also allowed me to ask for help. Whether it be someone carrying my coffee, rides to and from places, helping with groceries, I've been able to ask for help and receive the help without apologizing. Also, one ride has turned in to this amazing friendship... A person I felt I've know my whole life (Love you, J.R.) and mutual healing from some common heartbreaks she and I have experienced. Talk about silver lining!

Then, this week was... Well... You all read about that (last blog post... See "what happens when you wake up with nothing?) Not to mention the thick fog of emotional tension that sits over Oakland all week; specifically, downtown (I live downtown/Lakeside) due to Trayvon, Oscar Grant, etc. Those who know me well, know I feel deeply. I am ultra-sensitive to high intense situations, matters of the heart, others' pain, etc. I had one of those nights last night where I just cried. It was all I could do. My newest friend pointed out that my ultra sensitivity is what drew her to me... To never lose this, because it makes others feel like they can always talk to me. Silver lining. I always perceived the "deep feeling" me as a negative. And here it is, helping others. 

Then today... I wake up weak, nauseous, barely able to shower. Yet I HAVE to organize my home office and get some things in order. (Tomorrow, I'm gone all day to support my softball team in San Rafael and then babysit in Orinda). Naturally, being ill is the last thing I need. However, it's opened the door for me to ask for help... Silver lining.

And with that, J.R. will be coming over, sharing her organizing skills, veggie soup, and spending some friend time. Much needed. 

Grateful, as always...

Love to all, light to all,

DBear 

What happens when you wake up with nothing?

You get a little nauseous, maybe a little teary-eyed, then get into action (after calling off of work for the morning)... at least that is what I had to do today.

I woke up to find my checking and savings accounts wiped out and I could not get into my banking system to see what was going on. I had a feeling, but did not know for sure. I went to my bank and found the issue-- Lapham Company (they own 80% of the Bay Area rentals, and are our new landlords)... How did this happen?

Let's go back to Monday..
I received a notice on my door saying they did not receive my rental check and I needed to bring them a certified check within 3 days. Being the OCD, must be on it now, type personality I am, I hopped in my car, and got them their certified check that night. This was after talking to them on the phone, making sure they still hadn't received my personal check. The accounts specialist made a note in my file that if they receive check 1010, they need to send it back to me-- DO NOT DEPOSIT.
Well... someone didn't get that memo.

So I woke up to realize that not only did they have my certified check, they also deposited my personal check, leaving me in the red. Substantially (those who know cost of living here, understand).
I drove to Lapham and demanded a check. This included me talking to several layers of people, who said there was no way they could get me a check for 2 weeks. I refused to leave. I explained to them that I have worked in this field before (truth), and I had a legal team on the phone (half-truth), and we know they could have a live check to me by the end of the day. Truth. I am almost surprised I was able to hold it together and stand my ground. (Thank God for my warrior necklace, good friends, and a meeting I came across at noon that was near one of the banks I needed to visit-- GOD Shot, anyone?)
I need to get to the lessons and the gratitude here because I am ready to be done with this whole ordeal. I'm happy to say I did receive my check, it is deposited in my bank account, however I am responsible for any fees this cost me, or at least that is what Lapham says.

The lessons I am learning are these:

Waking up without money in my checking or savings account is not the end of the world; I have so many intangibles, I cannot begin to list them all
Do not live above my means
Get everything in writing, a simple notation in a computer system does not mean you are covered.
Be willing to spend money on stop-payments if necessary; being too trusting is not the answer.
Always, always, always stand your ground... respectfully!

And for my gratitudes-

a loving support system, GOD shots, a live check at work today for travel reimbursements that I was able to use to fill up my car while all of this was going on, emergency credit cards, a beautiful roof over my head, launching my consulting business in the Bay Area (so I will no longer live above my means), facebook friends to provide support, a day that I had no meetings at work scheduled, an understanding boss, my warrior necklace and inner strength I didn't know I had, and finally, an amazing Credit Union that had my back!

And finally, if you had any part of today... a text, a call, a hug, or just following me on facebook, THANK YOU. I love you all.

DBear

What is wrong with America?

How do we pride ourselves in living in a first world country when we are a country filled with racism? A country of racists that don't even know they're racists. People are saying the Zimmerman case was not about race... It was about "Stand Your Ground" laws in Florida... But when a black woman in Florida is sent to prison for 20 years after firing a warning shot (nobody died) and claimed "stand your ground" but a non-black man is COMPLETELY OFF THE HOOK after chasing down a black TEENAGER and MURDERING him, that isn't about race?? Really??? (See image below) 

I know this is nothing new, bloggers all over the country are writing about this, people are tweeting, face booking, etc., but I needed an outlet tonight. 

On the same night I found out the verdict of this unjust case, I went to view a movie about Oscar Grant, "Fruitvale Station."  Please watch this if showing in your city; look for it later if it is not showing in your city. 

So who was Oscar Grant? He was a young black man who was killed at the Fruitvale Bart station (the one I use for work commute) for NO REASON. This movie is about his life and culminates in his death. I was shocked to even hear this sort of thing happens outside of the south. After all, I left Florida for many reasons; one of which is the irony of the image I shared above. I guess I am overwhelmed that this happens out here too. At least the officer in the case went to jail... But only for 11 months. Crazy. If it were a white male killed by a black cop, I can almost guarantee the result would be much different (again, see image above)

So what is the solution? Can someone please tell me? Protests aren't working, the justice system has failed... Sure, we've made strides... We have a black president. Yet we have a congress that fought against him with everything they had... and crazy right winged nut jobs that questioned his citizenship. Why? Would they question it if he was white? So no, electing President Obama twice does not make us a non-racist nation. It just means what once was the minority is now the majority. Unfortunately, this seems to come with even more racism. 

I'm going to smudge off and end the night in positive reflection because I am just sad. I am sad for our nation. I am sad for Trayvon's friends and family, Oscar's friends and family, every black male that cannot walk through a gated community... that cannot raise his voice in anger without being slammed to the ground and shot in the back.. and pray that there is REAL progress in my lifetime. A justice system that works FOR the people and not AGAINST us all. Isn't it LIFE, liberty, and justice for ALL? Give us life. Or at least justice for those who take life away. That is all. 

Love to all, light to all 

DBear 

Peace within the storm.... Finding contentment in the powerlessness

Powerlessness is depending on others for certain needs being met.. rides, food, medications, carrying things.

Powerlessness is being 3,000 miles from home while one of your dads has major surgery, your mom is playing nurse to said dad and caretaker to Grandma, and your forever soul sister is grieving because her dad is preparing to transition...

Powerlessness is not being able to talk to your forever soul sister for reasons beyond your control...

Powerlessness is not being able to tell your body what to do, or rather, have your body do what you ask of it (I really would just be happy to walk at this point, but would be elated to be back in the gym and on the field)

Powerlessness is living with a roommate that is a selfish being.

Contentment is being empowered by your own voice. 

Contentment is being able to ask and open to receiving... Having beautiful souls all around you to help you meet your needs. 

Contentment is being able to just be... Staying in bed all day with no worries of where I must go, what must be done, I can just be.

Contentment is a 5 year old girl's laughter lighting up the room as she gives me sweet gifts and hugs letting me know I am loved. 

Contentment is texts, phone calls, e-cards to my family back home. Contentment is being selfless enough to recognize when a message is for another and relaying that message to them... Allowing intuition to guide me over my emotion and intellect. 

Contentment is recognizing my limitations and knowing it is not forever. 

Contentment is finding gratitude and expressing such gratitude.

Contentment is knowing there is peace is the storm. It is be still and know...

Love and light

Me