Have you ever seen a fat mermaid?

I love my Spons for this quote tonight. Truth is, I am not as content as I pretend to be when it comes to my health, I've shrugged off my knee problem for years. I've had repeated surgeries and still seem to think it is okay to do ridiculous activities when it pain (rock climbing, hiking, softball, hockey)... I was asked if I googled what NOT to do when you have a recurring knee injury and then decided to do everything on the list. When I give my activities an honest appraisal, the answer is simple... I do not accept what is. This is not to say I cannot do these things when I am doing my PT at the same time or under the guidance of a doctor, but when I go out and play (insert sport) on a knee that is already hurting, that is just asking for more pain. 

I have options. I could get more cortisone injections. This is the longest I've gone without them in years. But I know the long term consequences. They weaken the immune system, break down whatever cartilage I have left (not much), and leave me at risk for many other health conditions. I could have my knee scoped again. But that comes with anesthesia and is also a temporary fix. I cannot and will not have a replacement. (One, they will not allow it until I am 35; two, I do not want one until the knees are much more advanced.) I could also try synvisc again. There aren't many studies about long term consequences because it is newer. I know it worked in Tampa, but only for a short term because I chose to rock climb in Colorado less than a month after my injections.

Other options (more sane options)-- physical therapy, Reiki, swim therapy, knee braces, basic care for my knee, self love... That includes sitting out a softball game if in pain. Even if it's a tournament my family is coming 3,000 miles to watch. 

So those are my options. And, well, low impact activities... The reason this bothers me so much? I'm a recovering anorexic and exercise addict. The last time I was in this bad shape where I could not do certain physical activities landed me in a tailspin of unhealthy living which included starving myself to the max. It got so bad I was lying to everyone close to me and size zeros were falling off but I thought I was huge. Yes, this was years ago, but my brain still goes there. Thankfully, I do not act on these thoughts (well, occasionally the exercise addict), but I still go there... Can I lose the weight I need to lose by doing low impact activities? Am I destined to a life of obesity and wheelchairs? (No dramatic flair there) You get the idea. 

So I was reminded tonight, have you seen any fat mermaids?! 

Nope. 

So with that, I introduce my mermaid self to you all :) Hopefully I will fall in love with swimming all over again and can feel the same feeling as if I were on the softball field or the ice. For today, I am just grateful for a pool at an amazing fitness center (Club One represent), and legs to kick. Hey, maybe one day, I can surf ;)

Love to all, light to all

DBear