To thine own self be true

* all material is original and can be reposted with permission*

The facade we put out into the world is just that, a facade. true growth occurs when we are willing to let people see the true being that is ourself. this is the very essence of "to thine own self be true..."

For many years in recovery, I did not really know what that quote meant... "to thine own self be true" After all, I did a moral inventory, I had gone to counseling, I wrote my inventory each night, what else was there for me to do??! For me, I had to be true in my personal relationships. I had to be true in what I was willing to accept from others. I had to be true in knowing that I deserve better than emotionally abusive relationships.
It took me years into sobriety to realize that I was being abused by someone. Being true to myself means that I am worth more than that abuse today. I can detach with love. I can be safe. I can go on from here and help others who have been in the same situation as I. I can break the silence when it will be helpful. To myself and others be true. Love and light.
DBear

2014 recap and gratitude

2014 nearly killed me. I thought 2013 was tough with the job loss and the move, but at least I spent that entire year living in the most sought after housing market in the US and traveling the country.
Contrarily, I spent 2014 taking care of my ailing grandmother (alzheimers), losing two jobs due to health problems, grieving the other grandmother and my grandfather,  along with a few uncles and three really good friends, then two best friends who didn't die, but rather chose to leave my life.  Not to mention the medical problems that turned my world upside down. And the loneliness. Sometimes, all my body allows me to do is stay on the couch and that gets lonely. Very lonely. I'm not sure I even traveled this year, that would be the first in my life since about 2006.
However, there have been some major blessings for 2014. Anyone has followed any of my blogs know that I have to end with gratitude, just as I have to begin with gratitude.  So here goes...

1. I was able to forgive myself for past actions that came up when I moved back here. It's finally happened.

2. I had the opportunity to be of service to my grandmother, to a friend who had a new baby this year and her 3 other kids, and to many others. One of those jobs gave you the ability to help a teenage girl get out of a very abusive living situation and now she is doing great!

3. Joining St. John's officially,  being confirmed in the Episcopal church, and of course joining the choir. I'm a much better singer than I was when I moved back, and a much better person at that. I've come to peace with the church and have built some beautiful friendships with Susan Gage and Mother Phoebe! (Interestingly, neither are primarily at SJ as they were before I moved away in 2009)

4. Reconnection with friends and family, building new friendships within the church and the LGBT community, sponsorship. My first show at Mickee Faust! Hopefully,  I will have time to join Faust this coming year,  but if not,  I'll be going to their shows! And heu, I was on the front page of my hometown newspaper wearing a rainbow flag. it doesn't get much cooler than that!

5. Reiki practice and becoming a practitioner. I also had an incredible experience of healing and forgiveness towards another during my first Reiki workshop. That cannot be undone. I'm also building a beautiful friendship with my Reiki master, Susie, and I hope that we can nurture this friendship for years to come.

6. Finally making the year commitment to dialectical behavioral skills- learning more about mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and impulsiveness. Very excited about this new venture, regardless of the heartache that brought me to the willingness to do it!

7. A fabulous new team of doctors. If I have to have medical problems, I may as well have a kickass team of doctors.

8. A great (and affordable) personal trainer who works with me on my nutrition and simply makes living a healthier lifestyle easier for me :) the added benefit of working out with my bestie Margit, and our trips to Trader Joe's after :)

9. Reconnected with my dad. And my father. They are different. But I've come to a place in my life where I have a great relationship with bio dad, and Bear as always,  along with a good place with my step dad.  I was not sure that would ever happen. It's a great place to be. I also get to work with Bear every single day as we do distance Reiki. Look forward to continue this for many years to come.

10. Of course I'm grateful for my beautiful home. It can be very difficult living in the house I was raised in, considering a lot of the things that went on in this household during my younger years and my teenage years. A lot of trauma. However, I have the honor to continue to live here and the blessing of saving money while doing so. Its a 3 bedroom house with 2 living rooms a screened in porch a full backyard and 2 bathrooms and I'm paying less than I would be paying for a single apartment. You really can't beat that. I also get to have free reign on how I decorate the place it's becoming my sanctuary. Thank you to my mom for trusting me with her house. Now to hosting more friends and gatherings here In the new year,  starting with our Vision Board party Jan 6!

11. I joined a life course group of sorts back in June and have made some lifelong friendships. Although we have all been busy, I know that I can call on a few of these girls when life gets tough and they are always offering to help. I can count on one of them to go out for a nature walk or a kayaking trip and it's like we have been friends forever (looking at you, Rojas!). And I reconnected with Leffler who I beat up on the playground in 4th grade (she tells the story differently) and we are becoming great friends too (hahaha love you kelly!)

12. I started working on art more- from getting back into photography to collages and mandalas, it's all calming for my soul, and I hope to continue this in the new year.

These are the top 12 for me. I hope that you will join me in posting some of your gratitude below (no acct needed, just sign your name so I know who you are) If you want to join in on our vision board party, any outings or any of our growing activities, please let me know. We would love to have you. the goal for this next year is to have something happening at least once a month.
Love and light, see you in 2015
D bear

Happy Winter Solstice 2014!

Happy Winter Solstice! Ah, what a beautiful day to start the new year! Yes, it was dreary, but it's beautiful to me. I spent it sleeping in til 2pm, then sharing my favorite meal with my mom and brother, after which I headed over to my sister's bestfriend's house for a get together. Good music, amazing food, and great company! I came home to dance in the rain, scroll through facebook, and ponder the new year ahead. I usually celebrate the New Year on January 1, but this year has been particularly rough, so I'm ready to start it now!

2014 brought lots of heartache and loss, but also opened many avenues to change. Many doors to new friendships, opportunities to heal. So as I begin this year new, I will capitalize on the opportunities and try not to dwell in the past. I'm sad for all the loved ones lost last year, and all of the financial difficulties the year brought me, as well as the setbacks in my health. This year will be one of restoration- financially, physically, and emotionally. Spiritually, 2014 brought my back to the church, and I will continue on this path. Participating in church, as well as daily meditation and Reiki. I will also have a couple of more surgeries that will hopefully correct some of the physical. Most importantly, I've enrolled in a life course of sorts, intense therapy so to speak, learning new behavioral skills. This will last for an entire year, but the skills will last a lifetime. How grateful I am to have this opportunity. I'm excited for the possibility of allowing myself to heal, 100%. 

I'm sure I will write my annual gratitude list next week, this is a tradition I tend to carry every year. But for today, I am starting the new year with the winter solstice, and I am grateful just for that. Here's to a year of healing, self-forgiveness, self-love, compassion for others, growth, love and truth. May each of you be granted whatever your hearts' desire.

Love and Light

DBear

When is it time to say goodbye?

For years, I have been trying to make a certain relationship work
One that has filled my soul and spirit to the brim, but has also brought me such heartache and toxicity that has become dangerous for my wellbeing. It's no secret that I have struggled with suicidal tendencies in the past. So when a relationship can bring me to that point- to wanting to kill myself at the thought of the relationship being over - is that when it's time to say goodbye?
But what about the incredible times? What about the beautiful moments of healing and complete intimacy. Unconditional love. Then again, if it was unconditional love, it wouldn't be emotionally abusive. The other person wouldn't just shut me out when it's convenient for them. They would want to stay, to grow, to love, to talk. Maybe that's when it's time to let go... when the other person decides I am no longer worthy of their love. Their friendship. Their compassion.
The problem is, I still love this person more than words can express, the emptiness I feel without them-- it's like I can't catch my breath. The greatest panic attack meets the all consuming grief. I love her more than I've even loved past partners. (This isn't a romantic relationship, it's a soul's kinship)... We have this pull to one another I've never felt before... a magnetic energy. Yet it's interrupted by toxicity. I just want the toxicity to end, I want to begin again, I want to go back to my friend...

I am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman...

Words from my older sister.

Thank God for sisters and girlfriends.

Tonight was one of those nights. Full moon + PMS = very emotional and sensitive me. On top of my typical sensitive self. 

Part of me has learned to enjoy my sensitivity. It makes me truly care about others. It brings out much empathy. 

But it's a double-edged sword. And will cut me in a heartbeat. Like tonight. All it took was one person hurting me with their words and I curled up to a ball of tears. This person is obviously someone I care deeply about, and very much want to have them in my life. But I also give them the power to bring out a very weak, emotional, hurting little girl. 

Luckily, I chose to call my sister and check on her. She reminded me I am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. I've survived much more than someone else's razor tongue, no matter how much I love that person. 

I am strong enough to control my emotions and not let a person, the moon, or PMS get the best of me. I am warrior woman, hear me roar. 

Aho

DBear

Human being vs human doing...

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I rarely meet a stranger. I'm extraordinarily extroverted, and tend to be a doer. I've been that way my entire life.

In elementary school, I had events lined up all week- from piano to choir to sporting events to girlscouts- my afternoon and evening schedule rarely had a free moment, unless there was some break or summer. 

My mom was the same way, she still is... She belongs to more social clubs that I can count, has always worked at least 60 hours a week, and even in retirement, has two paid jobs.

My dad? Complete opposite. He can't do crowds, doesn't really like to be around people, stays to himself, fishing, and his wife. 

But where is the line?

Yes, my mom and I are helpers, and that can be fabulous, but what about helping ourselves? 

I didn't start getting slowed down until I got sick last year, but now I'm finding I rather enjoy more me time, and less busy-ness. While I'm still a social butterfly, I crave the days of just lounging, or the hours of being by myself (or with a friend) outside. I must have those times. If I don't, my over-doing stresses me out, and then I'm no good to anyone. 

I don't know if age has made me this way, if it's permanent, or if I'll turn back into my mother when it comes to bejng an over-doer. I do know what works for one person doesn't work for everyone. 

What's working for me today- finding a balance. I've had to cut out some toxic people in my life, add healthier relationships, and re-vamp my schedule to include more time for me and less time for everything else. For today, this works. Does it mean I drop everything? No. I still have volunteer commitments. I still love to help. But I'm finding the line between over-doing it and taking the time for solitude, which helps myself.

May you find whatever works for you. 

Love and Light 

What a year

Every pressurized system needs a relief valve. There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension, before it becomes too much to bare. There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn't find a way out, it will make one. It will explode... It never ever lets up. It just builds and builds and builds.

- Meredith Grey

Yes, I get some amazing quotes from Shonda (writer of Grey's Anatomy and Scandal)... I also get some awesome songs from that show but that's a side note. 

I want to write for a moment about what this year has been like. Whether or not I will publish it, I'm unsure... This is the raw, unfiltered, vulnerable truth.

One year ago, I lost the "dream job" I expected to have through at least 2017. Politics, Government, budget, sequester, etc. It's ok because that got me back home for some pretty intense moments but it's still a huge life change. It took a couple of months, but I decided to move back to Tallahassee. 

I had a job lined up (half my original salary), it fell through.

I had a second masters degree lined up. It fell through. 

I was blessed enough to have a house for half rent while I began caring for Grandma, but that is still stressful.

The upside is I went to my favorite church in Tallahassee for Christmas Eve (moved back Dec 20) and joined the choir that night. I then started confirmation in January, and was confirmed in April. 

I took a job I thought I would love. It turned into hell. I took a second contract job. It is going ok, but the physical and emotional strain is wearing on me.

(Oh, I was diagnosed with a few lifetime disorders during this time as well) 

Then the deaths started happening. Three close friends. My mom's (only) brother. My paternal Grandmother. My maternal Grandfather. Two great-uncles. All in a matter of a few months. All unexpected but one. 

I won't even go in to the drama that's come out of a few of their deaths.

Then my best friend broke up with me over an assumption. Meaning she also took the kids from me (I considered them my neices and nephews).. The heartbreak of losing not only a BFF but kids too, that hurts so incredibly bad.

Oh, and physically, I'm still undergoing tests, procedures, medications that make me crazy, paying more than I can afford for COBRA, I've gained more weight than I truly know because of the medications and stress- nothing to do with my eating- and none of my clothes fit but I have no money to buy new or used clothes. A lot of that started before I moved home because one of the diagnoses happened there, and that came with steroids and birth control. I'll never recommend long term either to my worst enemy.

Oh, and Grandma forgot who I was recently.

Back to the weight thing- people assume that weight gain means someone has eaten too much or the wrong things. Screw that judgment. You have no idea. 

So yes, my pressurized valve is close to exploding. How do I deal? 

God

Photography

Music

Reiki

Prayers

Counselors (friends) 

If you're reading this, and struggling with any of the same things, ask for help. I'm doing that.

If you're on my close friends list and can see this, be gentle with me. Sit with me if I need it. Walk with me if I need it. Hug me if I need it. Or if you're a stranger, pray for me. God knows we weren't meant to walk it alone. 

The closest times I've felt like ending it all this year are when I've felt all alone. Even with the support system I've had around me, many people are often too busy to notice others struggling or to expend energy to be helpful. So always remember, be kinder than necessary. Walk around with eyes wide open. You never know, you may save a life.

Love and light

DBear

Where is my Grandma?

Close to nine years ago, I sat down with my most trusted friend, Melanie, and told her my biggest fears. At the top of the list, was my Grandma forgetting me. See, through all of the chaos of my childhood, adolescence, and young-adulthood, my Grandma was everything. She was my lighthouse to safety. She was my guide home. She was my preacher, reminding me of my roots to God, to the Methodist church, to our family, to Love. She reminded me I was her only granddaughter and she loved me completely and unconditionally. Anytime I was in trouble, she would come over and help out. Anytime mom needed help, there she was. Anytime dad had to go "away", here came Grandma. (Thank God she ministered at a small Methodist church in Monticello that allowed her the freedom of spending her weeks in Tallahassee when needed)... And when I had to go "away," she wrote me letters every Sunday after church. Sometimes sermons, sometimes Grandma-isms, sometimes just letting me know how things were going with her church members. Or with Jamie (she raised my second "brother" cousin, Jamie), and his latest girlfriend or job or whatnot. She was just there.

Today, she's there... Somewhere...

It's like grieving the living.

I was praying she was dehydrated or had a UTI or something. Anything.

But no.

This is the progression of the disease. She no longer knows she's my grandma.

She doesn't know my name.

And I don't know how to handle this. 

I know to love her. 

I know to appreciate the lucid moments and thank God I'm here when I am, but God this hurts. Someone asked me "well, didn't you expect this?" Yes. But that doesn't make the pain any less. I can't explain the pain. It's worse than any heartbreak I've ever felt. What do I do without my lighthouse? I know she's there somewhere, but this awful disease has taken her from us.

Are we incredibly blessed that she's still coherent and laughs ALL the time? Most definitely! She remembers most all her hymns and bible verses and for that, I'm grateful. She knows I matter to her. She still knows I'm somebody important in her life. So far, I'll say "I love you... A bushel and a peck" and she will say...

"And a hug around the neck..."

I'll take that and be glad for today. 

Thank God for these moments. 

All things work together good to those who Love the Lord

Excuse me if I got that one wrong, I have never really been a Bible thumper unless it's in a hymnal. I am a big book thumper however :-) 

I have recently been thinking about all of the events in the past four months and how everything has led me to where We are today. 

To say things have been a lot is an understatement, a vast understatement. Just over a year ago, I was laid off from the job I thought I would carry for 25 years and I headed back to North Florida from California a few months after that. I never once saw that coming but when I did get here, I got to be of maximum service by taking care of my grandmother with Alzheimer's. She is my hero, my rock, my Safety-net. Her sleep overs were the only time I felt safe in my childhood home. She helped while dad was "away" and mom had to work, she raised Jamie as our brother basically, but all of that is another story for another time. 

Back in May, we decided it was time to go ahead and make the move to try her at long term care. The reason we made that decision is because if something were to happen to her (I.e. Stroke) and we could not keep her at home, she would have to go to the first available that Medicare would take and It could be somewhere awful. We wanted her at the state-of-the-art facility that Medicare would cover and this happens to be the facility. 

Can I just tell you how God has shown up in this entire situation? This first two weeks, they recommended we not visit. Day 2, we get a call from a familiar friend. She was in Grandma's room visiting her own mother! Not only was Grandma having the time of her life, her roommate was her best friend from elder day stay. Her roommate's daughter has continued to go in and check on her when we can't and vice verse. The home is just a few miles from my mom and stepdad's they have activities every day including bingo and church which those of you who know my grandma now her three favorite things are bingo church and thinking well food is up there too obviously. The staff already knows mom and I by name (probably because we are up there and they may know more than we care for them to because Grandma can talk! But it's all good!)

So yes, the last four months have been incredibly difficult... passing her room in my house knowing she will not be there... Wanting to cook for her at night, have a TV show buddy, China misses her, hearing her sweet "I love you"s in the mornings, all of that.... but it's also been comforting to know she's safe and most importantly happy.

I've also realized we couldn't physically or emotionally do it lately. In these past few months, we have had SEVERAL DEATHS, I've had medical crises, lost a job, have taken in two additional cats, received a promotion from my contract job (now regional director, don't get all excited- it's in name only, no extravagant cashflow) and lately, I travel 60% of my workweek. There is no way I could manage grandma too. Mom has been the same, as she lost her brother and her father. It's tough. And we know our stress can transfer on grandma so she wouldn't be happy. At all. 

So there we have it. Reflection. Gratitude. Hindsight. 20/20. As always :)

Love and light

Dbear 

Buffalo blanket above!!!

Grandma and her favorite boyfriend, Mark, below, at CiCi's! Thank you for all you do you for Mark!!!

Thank you

I can't express in words how affirming it has been to receive messages, comments, and "likes" on last night's post. I was terrified before hitting publish. That seven letter word can make my heart stop... as I hold my breath, waiting, waiting, then I hit publish, and obsess over how ridiculous the post may sound. 

To have so many people, some I don't even know in real life, affirm that I am not alone, that I am a warrior, that is what this sharing of our stories is all about. That gives me the strength to carry on, putting one foot in front of the other, being my own advocate while allowing others to assist (thanks, Mom!), and taking the proper steps to take care of me.

Truth is, I've been obsessing over calling my doctor all week because I'm scared to deal with the next round of tests, medications, etc. I'm scared to hear that I have one more incurable chronic illness and that maybe drugs will help. Drugs with horrible side effects. Yet today, I got the strength when receiving messages and comments, and some interactions I had with an old mentor at a lunch meeting today. I was reminded that when the pain is great enough, I'll make that call, schedule that appointment, take that new medication (thanks Shelfer!) 

I'm still sleeping a ridiculous amount. I'm still exhausted. I haven't exercised in I don't know how long. And I feel like a cow. But today, I got a little more strength from this community I've been able to build around me. From California to New York to Florida, and everywhere in between. I love you all. Truly. You mean the world to me. 

Love and Light

Carla 

Alison

A dear friend died on Friday. She was such a light in my life through very dark times. We had similar health concerns but hers were far more serious than mine... Yet you wouldn't know it at the time. 

She would give me the shirt off her back if I needed it, even gave me shoes for confirmation Sunday (those who know me understand the fashion emergencies I tend to have)... She helped me when I went through my bouts of depression and anxiety and I was able to help her through hers... We had that bond... The one where you feel absolutely comfortable with someone, like we were friends forever. We could walk into each other's homes like they were our own. We went through choir, confirmation, Lenten season, and general life circumstances together. She held me together as life fell apart. In part, because her daughter was away at college and she had a major maternal instinct. She made me want to do better but to also take care of me. She always stressed that, as she saw me always going without rest, she knew I would burn out... 

People want to know how she died. I cannot say for sure at this time. More important is how she lived. She lived selflessly. She lived to sing. To take care of her cats. To read outlander and play bunko. To participate in DOK. Mostly, to be the best mom to her daughter she can be. 

As I sit in her apartment, I still can't believe she's gone. Naturally, I had to write. I will say she have me the greatest gift of friendship and was sure to know she was grateful for me... As I was grateful for her. Be sure to let those you love know that... That's the best gift we can give. The gift of friendship. Thank you, Alison, thank you 

Gone too soon...

I was going to blog about turning 30 this weekend. But I don't have much to say about it. Nor do I feel like blogging about it. I'm 30. I've made it thru the 20's. I imagine I'll make it thru the 30's. If I continue to take care of myself. Unfortunately, many of us don't make it.

By "us", I mean recovering addicts, alcoholics, and especially girls/women who are in recovery for eating disorder. I don't talk about the third subject much because it is so personal. It still has an awful stigma attached to it. So we stay silent. Silence kills...

In two days, we lost two of our own... Girls recovering from anorexia. One was a personal friend. Gretchen Elizabeth Gleason. She was a bright spot that helped me thru my lowest points (I haven't had an eating disorder relapse in a couple of years now). But then I distanced myself from her because she was slipping away and it triggered my own disorder. It scared me. It created an inner turmoil... This questioning inside me- like do we ever recover? I know now that recovery is possible, but we have to remain vigilant. I wouldn't slack on my recovery from alcohol so why would I slack on this? Thinking I can skip a meal or two this week, five next week, and pretty soon I'm back to my old ways. This is what killed my friend. She went to sleep and did not wake up. What is the scariest part of this all? She was on waiting lists for residential treatment. She wanted to get better. She was back in therapy, moving forward. And just like that, she is gone. Age 32. Gone too soon..

Praise you in the storm...

Happy Holy Week for friends who observe Christian tradition. I've begun the week with contemplation. Thinking about this idea of praise (I am in the choir, after all, and this is one of our busiest weeks!) 

I also pay attention when friends say "thank God" or "Praise God" and it is always attached to some positive outcome, answered prayer, or good thing. So what about the times of trial, suffering, the downright difficult times? Am I not to praise him? Am I to say "thanks God for the crapstorm, I so appreciate it" being bitter for all that has come my way? 

That would be easy.

But it's not the way I operate. See, I fully believe on life on life's terms. As difficult as those terms may be. Life may beat me up and knock me down, but I can thank God for the strength to get back up.

Those who know me personally know the last six months have been filled with trials. Every reason I moved back to Tallahassee fell apart, with the exception of family. (Thank goodness I have my family). Maybe things needed to appear promising for me to come home and take care of Grandma? Maybe I needed to see the direction in which my life was not supposed to go? Maybe all of this led to me meeting someone here that would help me find a new path? I do not have the answers yet.

I do know I am not alone. I know that I can't blame God for the shortcomings of others, for the injustices of the "justice" system, for the dishonesty that comes with being human, or for the inconsistencies in what appeared to be the right path. Because it's just life. Is it extremely difficult right now? Yes. Am I continuing to praise my higher power? Most definitely. Because I can't imagine how much more difficult life would be without that inner strength that comes from God.

Just my two cents

Prayers welcome

**God can be called Buddha, Jehovah, HP, etc. the God within me honors the God within you- Namaste**

What happens when you go near the scary house around the corner...

**the names and addresses have been changed to protect my privacy, and the privacy of others**

Currently, I have the privilege of living in my childhood home. At almost 30 years old, I rent the home from my mother. It can be strange at times, but then there are times when something so cool happens, it makes it all worth it. I had one of those experiences today.

We all have a house in our childhood neighborhood that has the crazy old lady, or the scary resident, the house nobody goes near. If a ball happens to land in their yard, it's gone forever. 

That house in my neighborhood happens to share my house number and a street with very similar spelling, so I often get the mail that belongs there. Usually, I would place it back in the mailbox, or drop it off and run. Even at age 25, I found myself still scared of the "crazy lady" at 3620 Cadsbury Lane. 

Today, I received one of her packages. I decided today would be different. I'm almost 30 for goodness sake! There is no reason to fear her! So off I go... Around the block to Mrs. Kuchler's house.

She saw me as I pulled up and came out to meet me, closing the door quickly, explaining she doesn't want to let the cats out. 

I told her who I was and she remembered me from my childhood. This creeped me out because I never remember officially meeting this woman. With her snaggle teeth and thick German accent, she says she gets my mail too. I wonder what happens to it but don't dare ask.

Then something happens. 

The unexpected.

I look in her eyes and see a sweet soul. Someone who longs to talk. So I allow it.

She tells me the box contains a present for a police woman that helps her feed cats, that she actually wakes up at 3am to go to one of our local college campuses to feed strays. This police woman keeps her safe so she got her a gift to thank her (other cops try to get Mrs. K in trouble for feeding the cats).

I tell her I love cats too, but only have one. She has ten! 

This woman isn't scary at all, she's simply an elderly cat lady. 

We talk for about 20 more minutes and she asks if I'd like to go with her to feed the cats on Saturday, then we can go to a rose sale that benefits the animal shelter. As scared as I am to get in the car with an 80 year old driver, I can't help but oblige. 

So there it is, my happy surprise today. It's always great to see what happens when I let preconceived ideas and notions get out of the way. I've connected with a woman who shares the same passion for cats that I do, who has probably always been very kind, just a little strange. I'm excited for Saturday. I'm grateful for my experience with the house around the block, the house I wouldn't go near, the house belonging to old Mrs. K.

A rolling stone gathers no moss...

... Yeah. He was talking about me. That's probably the first piece of advice I've received from my granddaddy in about 10 years. Never know if it's the last. But it was just on time.

See, I like to go.

I'm already looking for the next out.

I've been back in Florida for 4 months and it feels an eternity. I was already imagining the next move, once Grandma passes away and my responsibility here is complete. 

Yet those words took my breath away.

Is he right? 

Do I need to settle down and chill? 

Quit running... Maybe. 

It's not like I'm even running from anything. 

Am I? 

DBear 

aka Rolling Stone ;)

My sanddollar story of the day

There are many times that I walk through life completely oblivious to others needs, struggles, or anything but my problems. Lately, I have been so overwhelmed with my own struggles that I've been in that space- zoned out and self centered. 

So I took a break to come to Tampa, see my people, and renew the soul. It's a 48 hour trip yet I still had to handle some business, including visiting my alma mater for transcripts.

Then the miracle happened. Some call them God shots, some call them random coincidences, I prefer miracle or God shot.

I was at the registrar to fill out a transcript request. Walks in a boy I shall call John. I noticed him because of his FSU sweatshirt. We chat. I tell him I completed my undergrad at FSU then came to Tampa for grad. 

We chatted more. Turns out he is so overwhelmed he was considering giving up and dropping all of his classes. I tell him to please re-consider, there is help available and tell him where the counseling center is located. 

Then I go to the cashier to pay for said transcripts. I come back to give the registrar my proof of payment and there sits "John" on a bench in the concourse. 

"Any better?," I ask. 

"No," he replies.

I ask if he would be willing to go to the counseling center if I walked him over myself. I tell him they helped me a great deal while I was studying for my MPH. He agrees and we walk over. He asks how I knew to help and I don't have an answer. I told him I wasn't even supposed to be here today (true story). He says "I'm glad you were!" 

We walk in, sign him up for counseling, and I walk away feeling great. By taking a moment away from my own self centered chaos, I was able to walk someone through getting help. Definitely a Higher a Power working through me. Of myself, I am nothing. Thank you, God.

Also, thanks to a special former sponsor/soul sista who taught me the value of helping through the imagery of the starfish story (we call it the sanddollars story) but here it is

Love and light

DBear 

Why I will never move cross country again...

Because it sucks!! The end.

No really. It does!

Not only is moving hella stressful, but moving all the way from one side of the US to the next is ridiculous. 

The last seven weeks have been insane and part of me wants to go back. If it didn't mean moving allll the way back to California. Goodness. Part of the stress is that I didn't take care of everything I needed to take care of before leaving. 

Oops. 

You know, little stuff like making sure I had the title to my car, closing my bank account, giving my former employer my new address so I could get my W-2 (because apparently mail forwarding only lasts for a month? You'd think I hadn't moved so many times in the past ten years) I guess it just comes with more responsibility nowadays.

The added stress is the extreme culture shock being back in the south. I'm being patient, I really am. I'm just not sure how much more I can take. How is one part of the country so racist and homophobic and the other part is so diverse and sex positive? It's incredibly baffling.

If it wasn't for my grandmother, my life goals, and the insanity of moving 3000 miles, I'd turn right back around. I miss the Bay. I miss the people. The lake. Ok, I'm going to stop before this turns into a pity party rather than a blog post.

Not only is it the move, it's everything that was waiting on me here. My job hasn't panned out. That's been one nightmare after another. I feel as if I'm missing every deadline there is (job related and academic admissions) and am just behind on life, mostly because other people are in control of turning in certain documents and it's just a bit fuster cluck. All of it. I'm having to practice major patience and letting go of control over outcomes. It sucks. 

Am I questioning my decision? Yes. I do that with every move. Am I glad to be here with my family? Yes. Am I hella stressed? YES. 

Just needed to vent

Obviously, I can't end without gratitude-

I have a nice house with reduced rent

I get to be of maximum service to my family

St. John's and choir has welcomed me with open arms 

China kisses are unconditional and constant

And I do have some of those forever friends that are nice to be with here in tally 

If you're one of those, thank you. That's what I need the most.

Love and light 

The kind words of a stranger...

So here it is, dinner time, rush time (well, Tallahassee traffic anyway), and I am simply trying to get to Boston Market with Grandma... I can taste the creamed spinach, green beans, sweet potatoes, oh my... We finally get there and what?! Boston Market it GONE?! What in the world is wrong with my hometown? How did this happen? Unfortunately, I didn't have a backup plan.

So I pull in to New Leaf parking lot and phone a friend. Well, two, but the first didn't answer. My friend suggested a few places and Grandma chimes in "I'd like a burger and fries!" So Margit tells me about Vertigo. Voila! We are right around the corner...

I get nervous taking grandma places... Never sure what she will say, who she may offend. We enter and she immediately sees a baby. Grandma cannot pass up a chance to coo at a baby. It just isn't possible. She wants to take the baby home. The baby's mom is very polite, giving me this knowing grin, smiling that it is okay. I leave Grandma to talk to the baby while I order.

I come back to the table and try to distract her so the nice couple with the baby can enjoy their meal. Finally, iTunes Radio on the iPhone does the trick. I plug Grandma in to Christian radio and we await our food. At this point, I fear the entire dining room is staring at us. 

Our food finally comes and we begin to enjoy our meals- I with the quinoa/red bean burger, Grandma with the cow burger, and of course half rings/half fries. I beg Grandma to take it easy on the salt, she tells me not to tell Belinda (my mom, her daughter) and laughs. I give in. We are halfway through our meal and this very sweet woman comes up to me. She says, "I've watched you with you grandmother and I hope if I am ever in her situation, my grandchildren will be as good with me. You are truly an angel."

I nearly cried. 

I thanked her and almost explained the Alzheimer's but realized I don't have to make excuses for Grandma, that people simply understand. 

Grandma didn't think anything of it and we continued on as usual. 

Thank you to the stranger who just made my day. 

Grateful

Love and Light

Carla 

Didn't someone used to live here?

I'm beginning to understand the book "The 36 Hour Day"... I need to actually read it. Grandma is still full of questions-

Does Belinda know I'm here? (Belinda is my mom, her daughter) 

Didn't Henry used to live here? (My dad, he lived here 19 years)

Is he still living? Well that's good but where is he? Tell that boy I need to see him..

Are you my great granddaughter? (No I'm her granddaughter)

Today was what day?

Then the other questions- the more miscellaneous-

What is in that glass? (Body spray)

Why is that cat so fat? (No clue)

Grandma still wonders where her room is... She wanders to my old bedroom frequently, as that is where she would stay when I was a child. I remind her we stayed there, her in my trundle bed, for many weeks and weekends over the course of my childhood. She would scratch my back, I'd rub her arm. Ah, sweet memories. 

I hold on to these.

Always.

The times where Grandma seems too slow for me to take, I remember the good, I remember the patience she had with me. The nights she keeps me awake, all night long, I treasure the nights she held me as a baby, all night long. The irritability that occurs during sundown, I remember the hell I put her through as a teen. Mostly, I hold on to the good. As she would want me too.

Love and Light

Me 

What day is today?

This is one of Grandma's favorite questions.

"It's Saturday, Grandma."

"So has Sunday come yet?"

"No ma'am, that's tomorrow," I reply.

Then she always asks, "so when is day stay?"

"That's Monday, Grandma"

And this is how it goes. Most every weekend. It's interesting to me that she never mentions church anymore. She does tell me how she was the minister in Monticello for 16 years (true story) and how she would like to go back and see them... I don't tell her they've all died or gone to nursing homes. 

Anyway, today is Saturday. A dreary day, but a day with Grandma nonetheless. I has my first experience bathing her this morning. She usually does this on her own, but that's because she has a walk in shower at my mom's house. Here, it's just a traditional tub and shower. She's scared she will fall. So I help. Get her the shower chair and hop in with her. She doesn't seem to mind. Still, I'm overwhelmed with compassion. Grandma was always a private woman, she didn't even like us to watch her brush her teeth. Now, we help her bathe. I guess as long as she doesn't mind, it's all okay. 

Now back to her talking to me and singing to me as I fold the laundry. 

Happy Saturday.

Love and Light

DBear

Are you my granddaughter?

Those four words... I wondered when I would hear them. They didn't make me cry as I anticipated they would... But did take me by surprise. See, my grandmother has Alzheimer's (as many of you know). She was diagnosed in late 2005 and it's been a slow process. Throughout all of it, we have remained very close. I'm her only granddaughter and we've always had a very special bond. When I moved to Tampa, she thought I was just on vacation. When I moved to California, she started thinking my photos in her bedroom were talking to her, likely because I skyped her almost weekly. Now that I'm back, she's happy but a bit confused. I'm sure it will get better and I'll likely journal along the way. For now, I will have her Thursdays-Sundays. Last night was her first night at my place. She asked at least 10 times if she had been here before. Little does she know this is the house I was raised in. She would come here to help my mom take care of us multiple times throughout my youth. She also asks if my brother lives here... He's in Portland. But all together, she enjoys the time. Holding my 15 year old cat, vaguely remembering her from the last time she held her. Tonight she will likely look for her room a few times and get lost looking for the bathroom, but it will be ok. Because I am her granddaughter and I'm here to show her the way. 

Love and Light

Me

Woosah

How long has it been? Too long. I recently found years worth of journals that have been partially filled in... I'm sensing a pattern ;) So... Life lately... I'm beginning to understand why moving is up there next to death on the list of top life stressors. Especially if one naturally struggles with anxiety. It has been a ride for sure. On first landing in my hometown, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and being "home"... Not to mention gratitude for all of this space!! Having lived in condos for the past few years, I'm super grateful to have a whole house with 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a living room, a den, a huge kitchen (as if I cook) and did I mention a yard? (As if I garden) However, I am not used to it being so quiet. I forgot what that was like. I've also struggled with all the free time that comes with unemployment. It wasn't this hard in SF because there was always so much to do. Here, not as much. When I do want to go explore something, it's either storming or freezing. So it's been hard. 

I do have to give myself credit for some things-- I've spent an enormous time with family and in service. I meditate each morning for a half hour and am attending a local gym. I have commitments in meetings and church. I landed a job (starts in 2 weeks). My house is unpacked, minus my art supplies and books. I've accomplished a lot in a few weeks and it feels like I've been here for months. Yet this hasn't come without it's share of panic attacks and depression. It is getting better. It always does. 

Many have asked how I feel about being back. I don't really know. It's just different. I haven't lived here in 3 1/2 years. I am not who I was when I lived here before. I do have people here that expect me to be the person I was the day I left town. Thank God I am not that person. Unfortunately, that person can easily be made to come out, especially if I'm on shaky ground... And there are people who wish to push those buttons and shake me up. There are people who misunderstand me or try to fit me in a box of someone I'm not. For the most part, that isn't the case. Most people are glad I'm home and happy for me. My grandma and mom are overjoyed. My genuine friends are hella excited to spend time together. I'm meeting new people as with any other move. I've even gone on a date. I'm simply blooming where I'm planted and being open to what happens next..

Woosah

Love and Light

Me