Monomania... Monday

Mondays.
Never my favorite day of the week, especially after such a long weekend. Although a weekend is really never a weekend in the eye of a student's mind, it was still nice. Only to be trampled on by Monday.
Why is it called that anyway? Monster of a day? Monumental disaster? I'm sure you get the point. Yes, I know, everyone detests Mondays. I usually do not mind them terribly. It's just today was a very bad, terrible, no good day... or however that childhood classic goes.
Speaking of childhood, that is how I feel about my Monday. Without going in to great detail, it was very much a mixture of elementary school and high school. Elementary school because I was talked to in such a condescending, belittling way, I was reduced to five year old status... and high school because of a complete mean girl squad.
As if I didn't have enough to worry about today between work tasks, school tasks, voice mails, phone calls, IRB applications, and work.. did I mention work, and working through an awful lot of physical pain at that? But no, that wasn't enough for this day, I also had to deal with a horrendous an inhumane "you suck" session.
I honestly believe there are some people who simply enjoy berating others to make themselves feel better. Fortunately, I have not been subject to many of these people recently. Until today. I guess the upside is it did not make for a Monotonous Monday. But it did make for a Mean, Malicious, Misery laden Monday.

The good news.... tomorrow will be Terrific Tuesday.

This way or that way? Fly, Butterfly, FLY....

While yesterday was thanksgiving, this is not the aim of today's post. (Although I am grateful, every day). Today's post is simply allowing my thoughts and words flow, no holding back.
I am at this point in my life where there are so many roads I can take. Graduation approaching, internships being tossed around in my mind, opportunities to present research, publish articles, many possibilities arising at once. Odd, this whole year, I thought all of my work was for nothing. I was just an average graduate student working tirelessly to reach some obscure goal... graduate? job? PhD? publication? independent research? All of the above, I guess. Yet, everything has been somewhat slow to come to fruition.... (Disclaimer: my idea of time is likely not your idea of time, considering I want what I want and I want it yesterday.) Although I am putting future degrees on hold until I figure out where it is I want to be, and what it is I would like to be doing, I am gearing up to graduate with my MPH. With that comes where do I work? Where will I move? Should I stay in research until my next degree? If I do that, won't it interfere with NIH loan repayment? But I'd like more research experience and practical experience, can I combine the two? Arghhhhh.
Yes, that is what my mind has been like for the last three weeks. Granted, I do not graduate until August, but I must be in a field placement of my choosing soon. I also would like to have more of my "own" research under my belt before leaving. So I chip away. I take the left foot, right foot, what's in front of me to do. I thoroughly enjoy (most of) the projects I have as current jobs and all of my volunteer positions. Yet, for me it's always more, more, more. I want more. To do more. To see more. To BE more. Isn't that the basic desire? Isn't that what it tends to boil down to for most of us, especially those of us in the world of academics? Yet, when opportunities present themselves, I get scared. Sure, I said I wanted all of these things, but I didn't expect THIS, or I'm not good enough for THAT.... the life and times of self-defeating thoughts....
Today, I am letting those thoughts go and just maximizing on the opportunities given. Writing the best I can write, contributing as much to my fields as I can, thinking outside of the box, and just saying yes when once in a lifetime opportunities come my way. Because my brain may tell me all these things about me not being good enough, but my soul says go for it. My Spirit says you are good enough... when I am quiet enough to hear this, quiet enough to be still and know.... Honestly, all I really know at this moment is my God/HP/Spirit, did not bring me this far to drop me now. And that is good by me.

Searching the soul, becoming whole

A lot of people asked me what exactly I was doing before leaving Tampa to come to Ladybug... what retreats entail, questions of that sort.... Is it religious? A church group? What exactly is it?! Well, it's none of those things.... for me. For me, this is a time to reflect... a time to get away from all of the outside noise (as best I can) so I can examine those parts of me that are standing in the way of my Light. Those parts of me that serve as a buffer of the happiness I deserve... we all deserve. Those parts of me that cannot stay secret, that cannot recover if no light is shed upon them. That is what this weekend is about for me. There is so much more of course... great friendships, my family of sorts, loving, non-judgmental, present in one another's lives...
Throughout the course of the weekend, I examined, reflected, shared, cried many tears, laughed many laughs, a full weekend of soul surgery with the soul sisters. I had the pleasure of sitting down with one of my She-roes last night [Polly :)] and letting her know the truth I have been avoiding (After all, if I wish it away, won't it go away? yeah... right) Is it hard? Parts are. The being completely honest about these parts of me I do not wish to discuss. The parts of letting go of unhealthy relationships... that is the hardest. Because I like to walk right back into destruction. It is the norm for me. It is what I have been used to for years.
So today, I can set a new norm. I can focus on the constructive rather than the destructive. I can step away and reflect, phone a friend when I want to go back to the destruction, I can start to grow accustomed to healthy relationship. I have done this in many areas of my life. I have become accustomed to spending time alone, avoiding drama, eating daily, prioritizing my time and responsibilities.... so this is not new after all. I just have to start a new behavior, which is leaving the old behavior in the past. After all, isn't that what it's all about? Just like cleaning my house... out with the old, in with the new... and for those parts of me that are considered to be an asset, those can remain. I simply have to ask, "how's it working for me?" Keep what works, disregard the rest. And that, my friends, is what this weekend has been about for me. God, I love this way of life.
Live, Laugh, Love, FLY

Laugher.... good for the soul

I am finally at Ladybug, my annual retreat I had to miss last year due to health conditions.. This year, I am grateful to be fully present and ready to go. I came early to spend some time with a special woman, my #1 Ladybug, Viv. Can I just say I have not laughed this hard in some time.... I cannot even remember when....I have not seen Viv in two years and we just hit it off like we were never apart. I didn't even know how much I needed this time... the non-stop laughter, hugs, and lots of love. It is true what they say about distance among friends... we can go long spans of time without seeing one another and they pick up right where they left off. For me, that's partly what these annual retreats are about. I am sure there will be new faces, and some of the regulars may not be here this year; but those of us who are here will be so excited to see each other, it will be just like no time has passed since the last encounter.
We are also on new grounds this year since my last retreat. We were always housed in Rincon and have since moved to St. Simon's. I came with the intention of missing the last place... we had a lot of good times there... but I am so in love with this place, it's an instant feeling of belonging. Besides, it doesn't really matter where our physical location is for this special weekend..being together in spirit is all that matters.
I don't have much time to write, I am sure I will be raving about this weekend all week long... for now, I will go get ready to welcome 92 ladybugs with a big smile and a big hug.
Happy 11/11/11 and most of all, Happy Veteran's Day... to the Vets and those who love our Vets :)

I am but one...

Life lessons... so difficult to learn the hard way, yet so important to learn at all. But are we really learning if we repeatedly put ourselves in the same position to learn the same lesson over and over again? Maybe. Maybe I am learning by being repeatedly beat over the head by the same lesson... learning little by little until I do not have to repeat the same mistake... Currently, this week's lesson is I cannot, and will not, be everything to everyone. More importantly, I will not allow myself to be any one person's "everything." That type of dependence can only backfire, and result in a blaze of fiery eruption. This has been my last 72 hours. 72 grueling hours of a lot of work, a lot of life, a lot of stress, a lot of tasks to complete, LIFE... with the added pressures of this lesson beating me over the head every step of the way. Not just in the form of the friendship that woke me up today, but in the form of the over-commitment, the expecting more of myself than I am capable of doing, than any human is capable of doing, the inability to set my limits before things get to that point.... you know that point where all you can do is stand outside and scream. Yes, I reached that point today. I reached that point because I did not set my limits earlier on an issue that I needed to speak up about. The lesson went further...
See, even after that point, I had more of a beating in the form of a written attack from one who made me their everything, their complete and utter dependence, and I had no clue I was in that position to begin with... I had no clue every move I made was being timestamped in their brain to bring up on this day... this, my most stressful day. I had no clue that someone considered me their close friend that did not meet their needs because quite frankly, I am trying to hold my head above water and meet my own basic needs... sleep, food, shelter, clothing, the close relationships I am able to put energy into to maintain. Which seem very few at this point. I can count on my hand (ok, maybe two hands) the number of people I am able to make "URGENT! PRIORITY!" at this moment. We haven't even spoken since the semester began. Unbeknownst to me, this person did not get the memo that I am barely hanging on. That I was moving on from this friend because I didn't have the strength or energy the friendship demanded. Another lesson, not making myself clear.
Since I did not get the memo that one individual was supposed to be on my "URGENT! PRIORITY!" list, I became target of assault. Does it hurt? Sure. What also stings a bit is the fact that I was too blind to even see I was needed, or being depended on. Makes me wonder... am I so busy going through life that I am not present in what is going on around me? Outside of work, school, family, close friends, do I not see the rest? Or does this one person think the world revolves around them so much that they feel it is simply okay to disregard what the rest of us have going on so they can speak their piece. No matter the cost of other's feelings.
Either way, lesson learned, I am one person. I do a damn good job at what I can. I do not waste my time on what I can't. Because I am worth giving myself a little bit of a time. Time to breathe, Time to take a big trip when I can, Time to stock my house with necessities at the beginning of every semester because I'm a planner and I know I will not have a moment to do it when things get crazy, Time to spend a day without answering emails, phone calls, texts, Time for Me. Is that not okay? Or does that have to go to everyone around me? No. It does not. There are others. I am nobody's God. That is my lesson. I do not have to over-commit, and if I commit to help someone, that is not til death do I part. I will do what I can whenever I can for anyone. As a matter of fact, my true friends will say, I will do everything I can to help them. When I can. And when they know I can't, they will not ask.
So those are my thoughts. God, I've missed this blog. Second post in over a month... no bueno. I will do better. Until then, friends, love to all, light to all, FLY