If I ever feel like I want to move back to Florida, I will have to remind myself of the experiences I would miss out on the most- being here is amazing! I still can't believe I live here. Here, I can be me, completely and wholeheartedly. I can be totally happy being me, surrounded by so many like minded individuals, opportunities to explore, experience, and enjoy life. Sure, happiness isn't determined by my surroundings, but living in the best place in the states surely helps. This weekend, I went on a speed date at TPS (events like that would never happen in the south lol), and a Now and Zen Fest at Golden Gate Park, and I get to experience two more concerts this week-- Melissa Etheridge and Christina Perri/Jason Mraz. Both in very intimate settings. How privileged am I! I don't think I've had this much fun in a while.
Moving out here had to be one of the most frightening experiences I've had. I still have my sad moments, the freak out moments that last a short minute or two, but are still like "what the hell were you thinking?" But for the most part, it's all good. I feel connected to life here. I can't really put it in to words. One friend said I sounded like I married SF and am a newlywed. That's probably a good way to put it. I glow here. This is quite possibly the first time in my life that I haven't had good grades to make me happy, a love life to make me happy, another person, or any accomplishment to make me happy- it's just me. Exploring, experiencing, enjoying... Connecting to Life. Living it up, and loving every moment!
Love to all, Light to All
DBear
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
How much can happen in a week...
A lot! I feel like it's been a month since my last blog post, but it's been a week. This is going to be a long one, so settle in... (For those who are on my fb, some of this will be old news... then again, I may only have one or two readers that are not on myt fb page)
So this week went from a near death experience with a family member, from going to Pittsburgh, PA very last minute, to my first experience presenting at the National level, followed up by working on my novel, and even a conversation with my ex-fiancé...
Here I go..
Sunday night, my cousin attempted suicide. He was in ICU, unconscious, and on a respirator. They told his mother to go home for his will and prepare herself and the family. Miraculously, he survived and is now home after a stay in the behavioral health center.... I am no stranger to suicide-- attempts and completions-- almost to the point where it hits me like any other death or near death experience... but this one hit me a lot harder-- in two ways. The first is because Randy has Huntingtons Disease. You can read his and his mom's story here- http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sharon-thomason/thwtallahassee So, you see, Randy has this disease that is truly debilitating... however, he had been doing so well. I would see him excited about going to school and I would be so excited for him. It's heart breaking to watch someone struggle with HD and everything that goes along with it. It's even more heartbreaking to watch his mom have to go through this- she is one of the sweetest, strongest women I know.
The second way this touched me was a bit unexpected- I was overwhelmed to the point of tears by the outpouring of love and prayers from all over the US- it's truly amazing. I work in an agency that will stop what they are doing to come together for a prayer circle whenever needed. Last Friday, I asked that we hold a small one for Randy and Sharon. Immediately following the prayer circle, I got word he was off the ventilator and breathing on his own. But that's not all. Later that evening, he came to a bit, mumbled some words, and had friends and family go see him. That is exactly what we prayed for- that he would not feel alone or isolated during this time.
That night, and the next morning, I went through facebook looking at Randy and Sharon's pages, as well as all of the comments on my own page. The word overwhelming is not nearly strong enough a word. I already know the power of social media, we use it in my workplace for a suicide prevention grant I am on, but to have it touch me so personally is a different experience. There must have been over a thousand people praying for Randy. That is extraordinary.
Before knowing whether Randy would fully be okay, I had to head to Pittsburgh for work. The story behind this is crazy now that I have time to realize what just happened- I was asked Friday to go meet a consultant and co-present on a 6-year grant we had at our agency (a grant I had very little knowledge of, just the data part). So all weekend, I studied what I thought I may need to know, prepared the data to present, worked all day Monday getting everything together to head out 5am Tuesday morning. I love the adrenaline. I love working so well under pressure. I was not prepared to have to do a roundtable discussion in front of the "Feds" by myself on Wednesday, but we ended up being double booked on one of our workshops. So I did it! The next day (Thursday), I gave about 2/3 of the second workshop (Culture is Prevention) and Stevie did the first 1/3.
I have to talk about Stevie for a moment... do you ever meet someone you feel you've known for your whole life and the energy is remarkably compatible? That's us! We were dynamic! Never even worked together until this week. We presented together so perfectly, it was almost scary. I just love that! And she lives near my brother, so now when I go to Portland, I get to see her too :) We will definitely work together in the future. I do not know when or on what projects, but I feel it. And I am excited! You'd have to meet her to fully understand, but she is like me in 20 or so years. Maybe 30. She's even the mayor of her town! (That part is hilarious when you know her) But we did it. We went in, got it done, and had loads of fun. I am still surprised my directors trusted me enough to send me on this mission. I also found out what a "crackerjack" is this week-- funny story... So my director was on the phone with Stevie last Friday saying she had a crackerjack evaluator to send to Pittsburgh. I had no idea what on earth that meant, so I asked my upstairs neighbor that night. It means she likes me, she really, really likes me! haha, it's the little things. So Stevie is the mayor, I am the crackerjack.
As if all of this excitement wasn't enough, I opened up my novel doc and wrote some there. At this rate, I will finish in about 50 years, but it's ok. It's all growth, on it's own timetable. I also spoke with my ex, as I mentioned. I realized I miss her. But we had to grow up a lot. I don't know if our paths would ever cross again, but I'm open to it. We had a good thing. I was able to see more of my faults now... putting others' needs ahead of our relationship, not dedicating enough time to grow said relationship, etc. Part of that is just me, I'm a busy bee. But it's good to reflect on, and again, grow... whatever that growth is supposed to look like.
So friends, it's been a long, long week. My cat is laying on my keyboard, demanding some loving, and a letter from Bear is waiting to be opened.
Love to all, Light to all
DBear
So this week went from a near death experience with a family member, from going to Pittsburgh, PA very last minute, to my first experience presenting at the National level, followed up by working on my novel, and even a conversation with my ex-fiancé...
Here I go..
Sunday night, my cousin attempted suicide. He was in ICU, unconscious, and on a respirator. They told his mother to go home for his will and prepare herself and the family. Miraculously, he survived and is now home after a stay in the behavioral health center.... I am no stranger to suicide-- attempts and completions-- almost to the point where it hits me like any other death or near death experience... but this one hit me a lot harder-- in two ways. The first is because Randy has Huntingtons Disease. You can read his and his mom's story here- http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/sharon-thomason/thwtallahassee So, you see, Randy has this disease that is truly debilitating... however, he had been doing so well. I would see him excited about going to school and I would be so excited for him. It's heart breaking to watch someone struggle with HD and everything that goes along with it. It's even more heartbreaking to watch his mom have to go through this- she is one of the sweetest, strongest women I know.
The second way this touched me was a bit unexpected- I was overwhelmed to the point of tears by the outpouring of love and prayers from all over the US- it's truly amazing. I work in an agency that will stop what they are doing to come together for a prayer circle whenever needed. Last Friday, I asked that we hold a small one for Randy and Sharon. Immediately following the prayer circle, I got word he was off the ventilator and breathing on his own. But that's not all. Later that evening, he came to a bit, mumbled some words, and had friends and family go see him. That is exactly what we prayed for- that he would not feel alone or isolated during this time.
That night, and the next morning, I went through facebook looking at Randy and Sharon's pages, as well as all of the comments on my own page. The word overwhelming is not nearly strong enough a word. I already know the power of social media, we use it in my workplace for a suicide prevention grant I am on, but to have it touch me so personally is a different experience. There must have been over a thousand people praying for Randy. That is extraordinary.
Before knowing whether Randy would fully be okay, I had to head to Pittsburgh for work. The story behind this is crazy now that I have time to realize what just happened- I was asked Friday to go meet a consultant and co-present on a 6-year grant we had at our agency (a grant I had very little knowledge of, just the data part). So all weekend, I studied what I thought I may need to know, prepared the data to present, worked all day Monday getting everything together to head out 5am Tuesday morning. I love the adrenaline. I love working so well under pressure. I was not prepared to have to do a roundtable discussion in front of the "Feds" by myself on Wednesday, but we ended up being double booked on one of our workshops. So I did it! The next day (Thursday), I gave about 2/3 of the second workshop (Culture is Prevention) and Stevie did the first 1/3.
I have to talk about Stevie for a moment... do you ever meet someone you feel you've known for your whole life and the energy is remarkably compatible? That's us! We were dynamic! Never even worked together until this week. We presented together so perfectly, it was almost scary. I just love that! And she lives near my brother, so now when I go to Portland, I get to see her too :) We will definitely work together in the future. I do not know when or on what projects, but I feel it. And I am excited! You'd have to meet her to fully understand, but she is like me in 20 or so years. Maybe 30. She's even the mayor of her town! (That part is hilarious when you know her) But we did it. We went in, got it done, and had loads of fun. I am still surprised my directors trusted me enough to send me on this mission. I also found out what a "crackerjack" is this week-- funny story... So my director was on the phone with Stevie last Friday saying she had a crackerjack evaluator to send to Pittsburgh. I had no idea what on earth that meant, so I asked my upstairs neighbor that night. It means she likes me, she really, really likes me! haha, it's the little things. So Stevie is the mayor, I am the crackerjack.
As if all of this excitement wasn't enough, I opened up my novel doc and wrote some there. At this rate, I will finish in about 50 years, but it's ok. It's all growth, on it's own timetable. I also spoke with my ex, as I mentioned. I realized I miss her. But we had to grow up a lot. I don't know if our paths would ever cross again, but I'm open to it. We had a good thing. I was able to see more of my faults now... putting others' needs ahead of our relationship, not dedicating enough time to grow said relationship, etc. Part of that is just me, I'm a busy bee. But it's good to reflect on, and again, grow... whatever that growth is supposed to look like.
So friends, it's been a long, long week. My cat is laying on my keyboard, demanding some loving, and a letter from Bear is waiting to be opened.
Love to all, Light to all
DBear
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Life Lately...
Rocks! Ok, so it's rocked for a while now. I have days where I wake up and can hardly believe I live here, work here, breathe here, exist in this space... it's truly amazing. Especially when I think of where I was 7 years ago, 5 years ago... hell, just a few years ago. I was always too fearful to leave my hometown, but I did it. Then, I was scared to leave Florida, but I did it. It happened through a series of letting go, following my heart and soul, being open to the signs, seeing when doors are opening, and walking through them... Sure, there are days when I miss my family, but I do not think I will leave this space for a very long time.
I have been reflecting on a lot lately, but mainly how many people get stuck in jobs they hate, or have to settle for less than perfect conditions to bring home a paycheck... how blessed am I that is not my life. (Or privileged, as my mentor would say). Yes, I officially have a mentor at work. She's been that to me since before I started working here, but I officially asked last week. I was nervous she would laugh, or say no, that she had too much responsibility as it is, but it was the opposite. She takes her role very seriously and I am grateful. She's tough, don't get me wrong, but she cares about me, my happiness here, my progress in work, my overall well-being. Did I say I love my workplace? Not many agencies can provide me what I have with NAHC.. community, mentorship, empowerment, sense of purpose, trust, passion, the list is endless. And yes, I get paid to be a part of it all :) Don't get me wrong, I'd make more in corporate America, but what is the point in making tons of money to be miserable?
So, friends, this is life lately. I was planning for Portland next weekend, but am headed to Pittsburgh (Pa, not Ca) instead. Funny, I spent a great deal of time (before leaving FL) meditating on how I can be less rigid... I've definitely been given ample opportunities to practice flexibility. I'm not sure I was the type of person that could just say, hey, I'll go to Pittsburgh next week. So glad I am becoming less fearful and more willing to just do it. It's all growth, and it's all good.
Love to all, Light to all,
DBear
I have been reflecting on a lot lately, but mainly how many people get stuck in jobs they hate, or have to settle for less than perfect conditions to bring home a paycheck... how blessed am I that is not my life. (Or privileged, as my mentor would say). Yes, I officially have a mentor at work. She's been that to me since before I started working here, but I officially asked last week. I was nervous she would laugh, or say no, that she had too much responsibility as it is, but it was the opposite. She takes her role very seriously and I am grateful. She's tough, don't get me wrong, but she cares about me, my happiness here, my progress in work, my overall well-being. Did I say I love my workplace? Not many agencies can provide me what I have with NAHC.. community, mentorship, empowerment, sense of purpose, trust, passion, the list is endless. And yes, I get paid to be a part of it all :) Don't get me wrong, I'd make more in corporate America, but what is the point in making tons of money to be miserable?
So, friends, this is life lately. I was planning for Portland next weekend, but am headed to Pittsburgh (Pa, not Ca) instead. Funny, I spent a great deal of time (before leaving FL) meditating on how I can be less rigid... I've definitely been given ample opportunities to practice flexibility. I'm not sure I was the type of person that could just say, hey, I'll go to Pittsburgh next week. So glad I am becoming less fearful and more willing to just do it. It's all growth, and it's all good.
Love to all, Light to all,
DBear
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Decision tree- blog style
I told myself I would chill on political posts, but I think I have chilled enough on them. It's an election year, and I can write.. So why not.
First up... A "who should you vote for?" decision tree- blog style
1. Are you a woman? Vote Obama
2. Are you Native American, Hispanic, African American, any other race that is not purely European American White? Vote Obama
3. Are you lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or two spirit? Vote Obama
4. Do you love someone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or two spirit? Vote Obama
5. Are you in college, or paying student loans, or have a child that is in college or paying student loans? Or does your child depend on financial aid for an education? Vote Obama
6. Do you have a parent on Medicare or are you close to Medicare (if not already Medicare eligible)? Vote Obama
7. Do you need health insurance and cannot afford it, have a pre-existing condition, or do you care about the child who is denied coverage for a life threatening illness and dies due to lack of care? Vote Obama
8. Are you altruistic and selfless, genuinely believing we should Love one Another? Vote Obama
9. Do you believe in the Lilly Ledbetter Act? Vote Obama (if you do not know what this act is, you should educate yourself or not vote at all)
10. Do you believe our military deserve absolute respect-- male, female, gay, or straight? Vote Obama
11. Have you ever been raped, know someone who has been raped, or understand the implications of being raped (especially if impregnated from such brutality)? Vote Obama
12. Do you want more jobs in America? Vote Obama
13. Do you want to "offshore" (outsource) jobs to other countries? Vote Romney
14. Do you want more foreign policy fuster clucks, leading our troops in to more wars? vote Romney
15. Are you a rich, white, man who does not care about the lives, health, and happiness of others regardless of their social standing, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status? Vote Romney
First up... A "who should you vote for?" decision tree- blog style
1. Are you a woman? Vote Obama
2. Are you Native American, Hispanic, African American, any other race that is not purely European American White? Vote Obama
3. Are you lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or two spirit? Vote Obama
4. Do you love someone who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, queer, or two spirit? Vote Obama
5. Are you in college, or paying student loans, or have a child that is in college or paying student loans? Or does your child depend on financial aid for an education? Vote Obama
6. Do you have a parent on Medicare or are you close to Medicare (if not already Medicare eligible)? Vote Obama
7. Do you need health insurance and cannot afford it, have a pre-existing condition, or do you care about the child who is denied coverage for a life threatening illness and dies due to lack of care? Vote Obama
8. Are you altruistic and selfless, genuinely believing we should Love one Another? Vote Obama
9. Do you believe in the Lilly Ledbetter Act? Vote Obama (if you do not know what this act is, you should educate yourself or not vote at all)
10. Do you believe our military deserve absolute respect-- male, female, gay, or straight? Vote Obama
11. Have you ever been raped, know someone who has been raped, or understand the implications of being raped (especially if impregnated from such brutality)? Vote Obama
12. Do you want more jobs in America? Vote Obama
13. Do you want to "offshore" (outsource) jobs to other countries? Vote Romney
14. Do you want more foreign policy fuster clucks, leading our troops in to more wars? vote Romney
15. Are you a rich, white, man who does not care about the lives, health, and happiness of others regardless of their social standing, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status? Vote Romney
Monday, September 10, 2012
Adaptable Me...
Okay, so I have had this draft saved for a few days... time to post now. I am no longer in a funk, it always passes..
There are times when I feel I have absolutely nothing to write, yet a lot to write... if that makes any sense... maybe there are just too many thoughts going through my mind at once and making them coherent enough for a blog post is overwhelming... oh, the pressure. No, not really, I just like perfection and clean, structure... when there is too much to write, I'd rather write nothing. So stepping out of that zone, here I go...
It has been three months since I arrived to Oakland. I am now living downtown... moved last week or the week before? I do love my place. It takes me 10 minutes to get to SF from here (learned that Saturday), and that is awesome. The neighborhood is fabulous- I can walk to everything, have an organic food store downstairs, and The Perfect Sidekick is only about a 15 minute walk. Yet this week has been the funk of all funks. I am sure a lot of this has to do with me moving across country three months ago, and then moving again from North Oakland to downtown. All by choice, but that's a lot of movement. Even if each move is a more positive move than the first, it's still movement.
At this point, I question when I became this person that is so able to adapt to change. Like eerily adaptable. I always thought of myself as one who didn't like change... maybe that is still the case... who knows. (Obviously, I am figuring a lot of things out about myself and life in general at this point... oh, the joys of being in my late 20's)
Back to the point-- I didn't move once as a child. Ever. We were in the same house until I moved out when I was 16. Or 15. Some rebellious teenage year (sorry, mom). For the next 7 years, I lived in 14 different places. I am guessing this is when I learned to adapt. Oh, and maybe the 5 high schools between ages 14 and 15. I think the difference between then and now, is that the move to Tampa was my choice, the move to Oakland was my choice, the move downtown was my choice-- etc. etc. So maybe I am handling all of the change better now because they are all my choices, and that gives me some sense of stability in the chaos. I don't even know where I am going with this.. just randomness...
I still walk around Oakland and San Francisco wondering how I got here... at times questioning my decision (mainly when I miss my family and feel my mom would be under less stress if I were there to help...)... other times, I am overwhelmed with such gratitude, I can hardly stand it. There are days when the streets are peaceful, there are days when they are cruel. There are days when I can't believe how many amazing experiences I get to have here... I have more opportunities than most have in a lifetime. There are days when I just want to do nothing. There are days when I feel like I'm finding my groove here, there are days when I am completely lonely and it sucks. Most days, I have to remind myself I am doing great. I have done more at work than I thought possible in 90 short days, I've met more people through meetings and TPS than I expected, and am getting out and living life to the fullest on a regular basis. Adaptability. If I keep all of that in the forefront of my mind, everything will be just fine.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
There are times when I feel I have absolutely nothing to write, yet a lot to write... if that makes any sense... maybe there are just too many thoughts going through my mind at once and making them coherent enough for a blog post is overwhelming... oh, the pressure. No, not really, I just like perfection and clean, structure... when there is too much to write, I'd rather write nothing. So stepping out of that zone, here I go...
It has been three months since I arrived to Oakland. I am now living downtown... moved last week or the week before? I do love my place. It takes me 10 minutes to get to SF from here (learned that Saturday), and that is awesome. The neighborhood is fabulous- I can walk to everything, have an organic food store downstairs, and The Perfect Sidekick is only about a 15 minute walk. Yet this week has been the funk of all funks. I am sure a lot of this has to do with me moving across country three months ago, and then moving again from North Oakland to downtown. All by choice, but that's a lot of movement. Even if each move is a more positive move than the first, it's still movement.
At this point, I question when I became this person that is so able to adapt to change. Like eerily adaptable. I always thought of myself as one who didn't like change... maybe that is still the case... who knows. (Obviously, I am figuring a lot of things out about myself and life in general at this point... oh, the joys of being in my late 20's)
Back to the point-- I didn't move once as a child. Ever. We were in the same house until I moved out when I was 16. Or 15. Some rebellious teenage year (sorry, mom). For the next 7 years, I lived in 14 different places. I am guessing this is when I learned to adapt. Oh, and maybe the 5 high schools between ages 14 and 15. I think the difference between then and now, is that the move to Tampa was my choice, the move to Oakland was my choice, the move downtown was my choice-- etc. etc. So maybe I am handling all of the change better now because they are all my choices, and that gives me some sense of stability in the chaos. I don't even know where I am going with this.. just randomness...
I still walk around Oakland and San Francisco wondering how I got here... at times questioning my decision (mainly when I miss my family and feel my mom would be under less stress if I were there to help...)... other times, I am overwhelmed with such gratitude, I can hardly stand it. There are days when the streets are peaceful, there are days when they are cruel. There are days when I can't believe how many amazing experiences I get to have here... I have more opportunities than most have in a lifetime. There are days when I just want to do nothing. There are days when I feel like I'm finding my groove here, there are days when I am completely lonely and it sucks. Most days, I have to remind myself I am doing great. I have done more at work than I thought possible in 90 short days, I've met more people through meetings and TPS than I expected, and am getting out and living life to the fullest on a regular basis. Adaptability. If I keep all of that in the forefront of my mind, everything will be just fine.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Monday, September 3, 2012
Life in the fast lane..
I didn't realize how much I needed to slow down and do art today. Spent the morning admiring and critiquing some of my photography, then took on my first altered book project this afternoon with my favorite people. I think I need a day a week or at least every other week of just art- where it be poetry, photography, altered books, just art... My soul craves it. So adding it to my new life schedule
Speaking of which... What schedule? I have got to get myself on a more regular schedule. Between meetings, work, workouts at TPS, extracurriculars, life is never boring, and I love every minute of it. I'm also aiming to be more structured in my time. I feel I'm finally settled in my new place, I can stick to a better schedule. At least my weekly writings and reiki with my Bear have remained constant.. For over two years now. Amazing.
So what's in the fast lane line up? Other than the aforementioned usuals, I have the following to pack in to the next 32 days- yoga for hope (SF), art in the park (redwood regional), Now and Zen (SF- free concert in golden gate), 5 day trip to Portland!!, Melissa Etheridge (Oakland), Jason Mraz and Christina Perri (Berkeley)- excuse my language, but hell yes. To all of the above. Oh, and a speed date deal! Maybe a 5K in there somewhere? Add a lot of workouts at TPS, hours at NAHC, and there's my life, in the fast lane. Live it up!
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Speaking of which... What schedule? I have got to get myself on a more regular schedule. Between meetings, work, workouts at TPS, extracurriculars, life is never boring, and I love every minute of it. I'm also aiming to be more structured in my time. I feel I'm finally settled in my new place, I can stick to a better schedule. At least my weekly writings and reiki with my Bear have remained constant.. For over two years now. Amazing.
So what's in the fast lane line up? Other than the aforementioned usuals, I have the following to pack in to the next 32 days- yoga for hope (SF), art in the park (redwood regional), Now and Zen (SF- free concert in golden gate), 5 day trip to Portland!!, Melissa Etheridge (Oakland), Jason Mraz and Christina Perri (Berkeley)- excuse my language, but hell yes. To all of the above. Oh, and a speed date deal! Maybe a 5K in there somewhere? Add a lot of workouts at TPS, hours at NAHC, and there's my life, in the fast lane. Live it up!
Love to all, light to all
DBear
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