Reiki + Bear = The best thing since sliced bread!

Disclosure: I did not ask for permission before writing this... Sometimes in life, it is better to just do it and ask for forgiveness later. Bear, please forgive me, but I have to tell the world how awesome you are...

Many of you know I have an adopted dad named Bear. He and I have been writing hand-written letters to one another since I moved from home in 2010. This, I find healing in itself and I am sure the post office is grateful for our communications. However, our relationship has gone much deeper over the last couple of years. Bear began learning Reiki at the ripe old, but young at heart, age of 70+
and has now moved in to distance Reiki.

Reiki (to me) is an exchange of energy, a spiritual healing that takes place within this exchange. Some may liken it to the laying of hands they do in the Bible belt, but I find it to be in it's own category because it does not require any belief but a mere willingness to be open and be connected, a willingness to be still and receive. It is open to all faiths, colors, shapes, sexual orientations, etc. Yes, it helps to be connected to a higher source of strength in order to receive the Reiki. I find that when I am on a more even keel, I am better able to receive. And receipt of this Reiki puts me on such an even keel. So back to Bear, he went through extensive training and continues to do so. His energy seems to strengthen the more he does this work, and he has taken on four clients a day now. The cool thing about Bear is he does this by donation or barter system, he has yet to ask for a dime. I am his daughter, so I get top treatment... and I was his guinea bear :)

I had experienced one healing in 2009 by another Reiki practitioner, Vivian (Ladybug)... she did a session on me before I was set to have knee surgery. I went in for the surgery and the doctor said the bone they were set to remove was no longer floating around, it had miraculously fixed itself.

Fast forward to today... Anyone who knows me personally knows my struggles. From depression and anxiety, to substance abuse and an eating disorder, dealing with any huge life change is a task. However, my mental psyche has been cool and calm through this entire lay-off ordeal. Which is saying a LOT. Even through all of the injuries, I haven't freaked out and taken it out on my body by restricting... Which leads me to my knee...

Bear has been working tirelessly on my right knee. Mom's friends (mine too) have prayed about it.. I lost my insurance so I am now completely at the mercy of miracles and natural healing. Back in June, I had 3 back to back injuries on my knees. I was put on steroids. Between that and eating crap, I gained a LOT of weight, which put more stress on my knee. Up until today, even swimming hurt, unless I just swam with my arms. Sunday, my knee slipped out and I had to put it back in. Today, I woke up pain free (this never happens), and was even able to bike. I chose bike because I had been avoiding it forever and that still, small voice said to try. So I did. Today, I did a mini biathlon with no pain, no ibuprofen, just me, water, and exercise. My knee hasn't swollen, I do not have knives sticking in it, no pins, tingling, nothing. Miracles, I tell ya, miracles.

I could go on and on about this... even the mystery spot in my stomach was cured... the one doctors couldn't figure out to save their life. I'm also still a non-smoker (almost 10 months), and am willingly making healthier food choices. It will take a while to get completely back on track with my physical health, but I have the best practitioner there is. And he sends me distance Reiki every morning! Thank you, Bear, I woof thee!!!

P.S. I HIGHLY recommend you try Bear Reiki for ANY problem you may have. If you're in Tallahassee, he either comes to you or you go to him. If you're at a distance, no problem! Contact me for a way to reach him. Yes, we need to set up a website for him... I will await his approval to do so :)

Love and Light,
DBear

The single 29 year old- Pros and Cons

Sometimes people ask me if I enjoy being single. If I have any plans on being in a serious relationship anytime soon. I really don't think of it that often. Only when I'm insomniatic or really lonely... The loneliness is rare. See, I spend a lot of time alone, but I'm not lonely. It took many years for me to reach this place of comfort with my own company. It's priceless. Do I miss ex-lovers? One. But more than that, I miss my ex BFF. To me, that relationship was more than anything a lover could have given me. I'm about to get real here but here goes- sexual intimacy, I can do that myself. The emotional intimacy, that is what I crave. Someone who gets me and all my faults and loves me the same. So I can get that from my girlfriends (the platonic ones, smart butts, yeah you know who you are.) So I've come up with a list of pro-single items. It's been years since my last healthy relationship (non platonic) so bare with me here... 

Pros of singlehood

1. I can be on my time, all the time.

2. Traveling solo is much easier, in my opinion. Unless you have an awesome travel companion (rare)

3. I can pick up and move anywhere at any given time.

4. My cat loves all the attention

5. I don't have to obsess about a call or text or wondering when she's coming home (I never really did that anyway)

6. No baggage but my own.

7. More attention to genuine friends and family members because I am not sucked in to the one-tracked mind of love boat

8. My money or lack thereof is my own... Fully self-supporting, independent woman. 

9. I obsess over my weight enough. I don't want to worry about doing this for another's pleasure as well. Then again, a true love will love me no matter my size. 

10. I have too much stuff to share my closet. 

Cons of singlehood

1. Always wondering if I will find that once in a lifetime true love

2. Dating. It just sucks 

3. Online dating. It just sucks 

4. Missing someone to help with the little things... Groceries, household stuff, carrying my things when on crutches. Then again, friends have stepped up to do this (see pro list #7)

5. Wondering if I will do the baby rearing alone (yes, I have a donor dad picked out, but can I handle single motherhood)

6. I'd put cuddling here but there's only one person I ever enjoyed cuddling and she was off limits 

7. I'd put massages but see con list #6 (above)

8. Someone to share all the details of my life with... (See pro list #7)

9. I'm out of cons at the moment

Share your thoughts, I'd love to hear them. 

Cha cha real smooth...

Last night, I had someone tell me I had such a good attitude and outlook regardless of my recent "unfortunate circumstances." I'd love to pretend that's true, that I really have it all together. In reality, it just sucks to be depressed and a Debby Downer, Sullen Sally, whatever... So I may as well just make the best of each day and take it all in stride.

Then I came upon this sign, pictured below...

It reminded me of when I had to go to eating disorder treatment sober (talk about a step backward!) But while I was there, a good friend sent me a card with the lyrics of the "cha cha slide" (my favorite dance... Ever)

So, Mel, thank you for that card all those years ago... And random person, thank you for today's sign. I choose to be the optimist. And rember, it can ALWAYS be worse! (Lyrics below... Just dance!)

Love and light

Me

Now it’s time to get funky 
To the right now, to the left 
Take it back now ya’ll 
1 hop this time, 1 hop this time 
Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps 
Slide to the left, slide to the right 
Criscross, criscross 
Cha Cha real smooth 

Let’s go to work 
To the left, take it back now ya’ll 
2 hops this time, 2 hops this time 
Right foot 2 stomps, left foot 2 stomps 
Hands on your knees, hands on your knees 
Get funky with it, aahhhhhhhhhh yaaaa 
Come on, Cha Cha now ya’ll 

Turn it down, to the left 
Take it back now ya’ll 
5 hops this time 
Right foot let’s stomp, left foot let’s stomp 
Right foot again, left foot again 
Right foot let’s stomp, left foot let’s stomp 

Freeze, Everybody Clap yo hands 
Come on ya’ll, check it out 
How low can you go? 
Can you go down low? 
All the way to da floor? 
How low can you go? 
Can you bring it to the top? 
Like it never never stop? 
Can you bring it to the top? 
1 hop, right foot now 
Left foot now ya’ll 
Cha Cha real smooth 

My 12 Relief Valves...

Every pressurized system needs a relief valve. There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension, before it becomes too much to bare. There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn't find a way out, it will make one. It will explode. It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bare. The pressure to be better then we already are. The pressure to be better than we think we can be. It never ever lets up. It just builds and builds and builds. (Meredith Grey) 

This has been my life lately. Just to catch you all up: lost job. thought I m found a new job. That one fell through. I may have found another new job, but 

there is an extensive waiting period. In the meantime, my car was burglarized and the most precious item I had was stolen (warrior necklace) Throw in a death and a couple of lost relationships, ridiculous amounts of judgment from people who have no clue, and we have ourselves one hell of a month. 

So, time for the positives... How have I not exploded? 

1. Lots of actual face time and phone time with friends and family

2. Service work

3. Physical exercise when I can

4. Reiki! every morning from Bear 

5. A new healthy lifestyle. 

6. Believe it or not, I'm still smoke free (9 months) Instead of grabbing sugar or diet  coke, I grab raw snap peas, green beans, carrots, celery, etc.

7. Laughter with a 2 year old!

8. New sponsees

9. travel! Free travel! I've seen more of California this month than I have all year!

10. Music

11. Netflix w/ China cuddles on the side

12. Knowing without a doubt that set backs are temporary

All in all, I really have been reminded of the important things in life and which friends truly have my back. That is a gift no amount of money can buy. Thank God because I'm poor in the monetary sense ;)

Love and light

Dbear 

And then reality came crashing down

How did I let three weeks go by without writing? I guess because I am tired. I have been submitting resumes, answering emails and phone calls, along with wrapping up at work since my last blog... and my family has been here nearly a week.
Then it all hit me tonight... I do not have a job. I have not been without a job since I was 15 years old. Unless we count those stints in rehabs and institutions... but even in my halfway houses, I was always working. Even if I messed up jobs, I still found other ones. Now, here I am, on this Labor Day Night realizing I have no office to go to tomorrow.
When I say it aloud, I start to panic. My eyes get a little teary, I have a hard time catching my breath... what the hell am I going to do? Yes, I have my consulting business, but I have no active contracts at the moment. I am in communication with people and places about different options, but there are no firm plans. Again, that feeling... unsettled. Truth is I saw myself at NAHC for the long haul. I was married to work, having no issue putting in 15 hour days if that is what needed to be done, or flying coast to coast if that was necessary... whatever was needed, I was there. Now I am here. Unsettled. Unsure. With a lot more free time on my hands....
So here's tonight's plan. Enjoy my time with mom. She is here through Wednesday. Enjoy tomorrow with her. Enjoy Wednesday with her. Take a meeting on Thursday (work related, but non-paid, just keeping a commitment and "passion project"), and head to Santa Cruz Friday to see a friend. I can look at this in many ways. For tonight, I am going to wipe the few tears I shed, and look at all the free time I have... to rehab my knee, do my art, search out options for some classes I've wanted to take, visit various meetings around town, build clientele, and decide what I want to do. When I put it that way, it sounds like a lot of self-love and time a lot of people wish they could take for these things. So I will hold on to that. As always, one day at a time..
Love to all, light to all
me.

Miracles happen here... the growth I randomly discovered from a passage written long ago...

Tonight, I decided it was finally time to go through my computer and start piecing together the book I have wanted to write forever... I was amazed at some of the things I found... dark poems from times in my life where the emotional turmoil was so great, I could only write (I'm like Adele.. I write "hits" when heartbroken).. and other pieces I completely forgot about... The beauty in this is I can see the growth. I see where I was so down and depressed that no matter what happens today, I do not have to reach that emotional bottom.
The following was written December 23, 2010... (I haven't even gone through my paper journals dating back to 2005)-- yes, some of the post below is extremely personal, but if I am going to write this book, I have to practice my transparency more and more each day. I am grateful to have become the woman I describe in the last paragraph, the flameless candle that shines rather than burns, the candle that has found her freedom. Love and Light, Me.

"Some fight with their fists, others use words. Whether the words are cruel or manipulative, silence or screaming, these are the worst wounds to heal. The emotional wounds, much more difficult than the physical. All of my life, I have been exposed to various forms of abuse. Though the early parts of my abuse history were not of my choosing and were completely out of my control, I have attracted the same type of abusive characters into this drama that is my life. In these relationships, I would stay longer when I should have gone, I would egg on the fights, spitting out words sharper than razor blades, repeating the cycle as so many do. Before sobriety, I hit back. Then I would just hit. Or throw things. After getting sober, I decided this must change. What I did not realize is that I still carry within me the capacity to abuse, the worst possible type: the emotional. I carry within me the need to take hostages, the need to have possession, the need to show my victim that she is the most important person in the world and expect her to show me the same. I carry within my the jealousy of a scorned lover, and will make you feel like you are going crazy because I feel I am going crazy and nobody wants to get on that train alone. I carry within me the desperation of a child who was abandoned, neglected, beat down, rejected… a child that just wants to be loved, protected, acknowledged, appreciated, wanted.

I must stop fighting. I must stop this cycle.

Although I do carry these rather unpleasant parts of myself, I am realizing there are parts of me that can be of use. There is the selflessness, the thoughtfulness, the caretaker self. There is the part of me that can lift another’s soul and spirit. I carry within me a battered and broken, but enormous heart, with more room for love than heartache.  So where is the balance? All of these parts can be manipulated to my own selfish ends, so I must find the balance of shining without burning. A bright light that is safe to be near. Not a flame. Rather, a flameless candle. One that shines so bright with thoughtfulness and selflessness, not expecting the same in return and burning you if you do not meet said expectations. This is my prayer, that I become this person. Maybe then, my soul will finally get a glimpse of freedom, health, and become whole." 

© Carla McClellan, 2010

Suit up, Show up... show your face to save your a$$

This life thing surely has a way of throwing some major curve balls. I was completely blindsided this week by devastating news... it completely shook me to the core, mainly because I really did not expect it. At all. It's interesting because I had just come out of a week or two long depression, was feeling much better, and then bam! There it is. Life on life's terms...

Yes, I was laid off from my job (I have 30 days) Yes, I was completely shocked because I am a kick ass evaluator, program planner, data analyst, writer, organizer, you name it, I can do it... but funding cuts happen and that's just where we are. I had my dream job. I lost my dream job. There are many things I could say about this, but I will not because it is all not worth my emotions and energy. I do know it is a terrible feeling going to work wondering who will be next to get laid off. If congress would have gotten their s*it together, this would have never happened. But it is what it is.. and it's life.

So what has helped me? Everyone says I am so strong. I tell you, I don't feel strong. It took all I had to get out of bed today. It took everything in me to smile and carry on like my life hasn't been turned upside down. I reach out. I take the appropriate actions. Left foot, right foot, stay sober, help others, suit up, and show up. I still cannot eat much, just because my stomach always is the first to go when overwhelmed with such stress. However, because I was able to suit up and show up, the following miracles are happening-- I met some fabulous women at a meeting a couple of hours after I got laid off, and I also got a new sponsee. I showed up to a meeting today and three different people asked for my resume. I was also able to put in an application for another job. I have people who are willing to vouch for my work and recommend me for other jobs. Things are already getting better, and it's only been 4 days. 

I will not pretend there isn't an ebb and flow here. I freaking love the community I work for, I loved everything about my job, minus a few small details. I gave it my all. And again, I kicked ass at that job. But I have to know that if that is the door that closed, an amazing window is about to open. That is just how it works in life. Hell, I landed this job by meeting a stranger on a bus when I was on vacation and wasn't even looking for a job. That stranger led me to one agency (and my grama gayle) that led me to my current agency, and I was able to move to the best city in the U.S. and work 14 months at my dream job. 

So like I said, if that door is closing, I cannot wait to see what is about to open up for me! 

There it is. This is me. Suiting up and showing up. Living life on life's terms. I am a warrior but I do cry, a lot... I just do what I was taught in the very beginning. To keep on keeping on, and don't drink or drug, no matter what, suit up, show your face to save you ass.. Miracles happen here. 

Love and Light

DBear

"Things will be different tomorrow"

This is a saying I heard very early on and I'm grateful I've always held on to this.. Things are different today. I chose actions that have made this a great day! I suited up, showed my face to save my a... You get the idea :)

I had the privilege of attending a women's recovery conference and then spending time on Creations by Carla as my mom calls it (see? Started as a cardboard box)

And now I have someone who is my first customer. I will be creating something in honor of her mother. I absolutely LOVE creating art from various "stuff" so I'm in Heaven at the moment :) 

See, much different than the depression that engulfed me all week. So grateful for the "this too shall pass"

And thank you to all the friends and family who reached out to me last night

Love and Light

DBear 

Being human isn't being a failure

Right?

I haven't wanted to post in a while because I hate the vulnerability that comes with the difficult truths about myself. The difficult truths include my tendencies towards depression, my family history of mental illness, past suicide attempts, eating disorders, substance abuse, just to name a few.

It's ironic that I was just thinking about how far removed I was from these parts of myself. I thought that on my sober date in June. I consciously thought "wow, these things were a lifetime ago."

I'll be damned if three weeks later, life didn't smack me down to reality that some of these things may never fully go away, there will always be ebbs and flows. It's how I choose to handle these situations...

Do I want to seek professional help again? Do I want to ride it out and depend on my usual methods (although hiking and extreme exercise are off the table), how do I want to handle it? I would like to say I've done great... I've pushed through without fighting, I've maintained my serenity, zen, etc...

However, that just isn't the case this time around. I cry for no reason, I obsess over the things I cannot change, I isolate...

However, I am starting to get to the other side...

I've reached out to friends and family. I've allowed people to help me. I've talked to my doctor about what I think is causing the depression's return (meds for my knee, lack of activity), and I've also pursued something that my soul will not let go of... Something I am destined to do. Someone I am destined to be. And of course, I've done my art.

Most of all, I've been there for others that need help. This is helping the most. I wish I could say I haven't caused harm during this dark spot in my life. I have. Yet I can see the good, I can find the gratitude, I see the bright spot shining through. Grateful heart.

So what helps you when times are rough? I'd love to hear your thoughts... 

Love and light

DBear 

Have you ever seen a fat mermaid?

I love my Spons for this quote tonight. Truth is, I am not as content as I pretend to be when it comes to my health, I've shrugged off my knee problem for years. I've had repeated surgeries and still seem to think it is okay to do ridiculous activities when it pain (rock climbing, hiking, softball, hockey)... I was asked if I googled what NOT to do when you have a recurring knee injury and then decided to do everything on the list. When I give my activities an honest appraisal, the answer is simple... I do not accept what is. This is not to say I cannot do these things when I am doing my PT at the same time or under the guidance of a doctor, but when I go out and play (insert sport) on a knee that is already hurting, that is just asking for more pain. 

I have options. I could get more cortisone injections. This is the longest I've gone without them in years. But I know the long term consequences. They weaken the immune system, break down whatever cartilage I have left (not much), and leave me at risk for many other health conditions. I could have my knee scoped again. But that comes with anesthesia and is also a temporary fix. I cannot and will not have a replacement. (One, they will not allow it until I am 35; two, I do not want one until the knees are much more advanced.) I could also try synvisc again. There aren't many studies about long term consequences because it is newer. I know it worked in Tampa, but only for a short term because I chose to rock climb in Colorado less than a month after my injections.

Other options (more sane options)-- physical therapy, Reiki, swim therapy, knee braces, basic care for my knee, self love... That includes sitting out a softball game if in pain. Even if it's a tournament my family is coming 3,000 miles to watch. 

So those are my options. And, well, low impact activities... The reason this bothers me so much? I'm a recovering anorexic and exercise addict. The last time I was in this bad shape where I could not do certain physical activities landed me in a tailspin of unhealthy living which included starving myself to the max. It got so bad I was lying to everyone close to me and size zeros were falling off but I thought I was huge. Yes, this was years ago, but my brain still goes there. Thankfully, I do not act on these thoughts (well, occasionally the exercise addict), but I still go there... Can I lose the weight I need to lose by doing low impact activities? Am I destined to a life of obesity and wheelchairs? (No dramatic flair there) You get the idea. 

So I was reminded tonight, have you seen any fat mermaids?! 

Nope. 

So with that, I introduce my mermaid self to you all :) Hopefully I will fall in love with swimming all over again and can feel the same feeling as if I were on the softball field or the ice. For today, I am just grateful for a pool at an amazing fitness center (Club One represent), and legs to kick. Hey, maybe one day, I can surf ;)

Love to all, light to all

DBear

Finding the silver lining...

Is such a must in my life. For those who follow me on facebook, you all know I've had my share of illnesses and "life stuff" this past month (I blame Mercury being in retrograde, but that's another story for another time)

I had an amazing Pride weekend, then busted my knee. I'm still partially on crutches... Was to be on them for a month, but I decided to play doctor and we all know how that goes...

However, this led me to being able to be of service in the rooms because I wasn't able to workout as much. It's also led me back to swimming. I've always loved swimming; I just prefer hockey, softball, and rock climbing. For someone who falls UP stairs, it's best I stick to swimming and yoga, things like this... The injury also allowed me to ask for help. Whether it be someone carrying my coffee, rides to and from places, helping with groceries, I've been able to ask for help and receive the help without apologizing. Also, one ride has turned in to this amazing friendship... A person I felt I've know my whole life (Love you, J.R.) and mutual healing from some common heartbreaks she and I have experienced. Talk about silver lining!

Then, this week was... Well... You all read about that (last blog post... See "what happens when you wake up with nothing?) Not to mention the thick fog of emotional tension that sits over Oakland all week; specifically, downtown (I live downtown/Lakeside) due to Trayvon, Oscar Grant, etc. Those who know me well, know I feel deeply. I am ultra-sensitive to high intense situations, matters of the heart, others' pain, etc. I had one of those nights last night where I just cried. It was all I could do. My newest friend pointed out that my ultra sensitivity is what drew her to me... To never lose this, because it makes others feel like they can always talk to me. Silver lining. I always perceived the "deep feeling" me as a negative. And here it is, helping others. 

Then today... I wake up weak, nauseous, barely able to shower. Yet I HAVE to organize my home office and get some things in order. (Tomorrow, I'm gone all day to support my softball team in San Rafael and then babysit in Orinda). Naturally, being ill is the last thing I need. However, it's opened the door for me to ask for help... Silver lining.

And with that, J.R. will be coming over, sharing her organizing skills, veggie soup, and spending some friend time. Much needed. 

Grateful, as always...

Love to all, light to all,

DBear 

What happens when you wake up with nothing?

You get a little nauseous, maybe a little teary-eyed, then get into action (after calling off of work for the morning)... at least that is what I had to do today.

I woke up to find my checking and savings accounts wiped out and I could not get into my banking system to see what was going on. I had a feeling, but did not know for sure. I went to my bank and found the issue-- Lapham Company (they own 80% of the Bay Area rentals, and are our new landlords)... How did this happen?

Let's go back to Monday..
I received a notice on my door saying they did not receive my rental check and I needed to bring them a certified check within 3 days. Being the OCD, must be on it now, type personality I am, I hopped in my car, and got them their certified check that night. This was after talking to them on the phone, making sure they still hadn't received my personal check. The accounts specialist made a note in my file that if they receive check 1010, they need to send it back to me-- DO NOT DEPOSIT.
Well... someone didn't get that memo.

So I woke up to realize that not only did they have my certified check, they also deposited my personal check, leaving me in the red. Substantially (those who know cost of living here, understand).
I drove to Lapham and demanded a check. This included me talking to several layers of people, who said there was no way they could get me a check for 2 weeks. I refused to leave. I explained to them that I have worked in this field before (truth), and I had a legal team on the phone (half-truth), and we know they could have a live check to me by the end of the day. Truth. I am almost surprised I was able to hold it together and stand my ground. (Thank God for my warrior necklace, good friends, and a meeting I came across at noon that was near one of the banks I needed to visit-- GOD Shot, anyone?)
I need to get to the lessons and the gratitude here because I am ready to be done with this whole ordeal. I'm happy to say I did receive my check, it is deposited in my bank account, however I am responsible for any fees this cost me, or at least that is what Lapham says.

The lessons I am learning are these:

Waking up without money in my checking or savings account is not the end of the world; I have so many intangibles, I cannot begin to list them all
Do not live above my means
Get everything in writing, a simple notation in a computer system does not mean you are covered.
Be willing to spend money on stop-payments if necessary; being too trusting is not the answer.
Always, always, always stand your ground... respectfully!

And for my gratitudes-

a loving support system, GOD shots, a live check at work today for travel reimbursements that I was able to use to fill up my car while all of this was going on, emergency credit cards, a beautiful roof over my head, launching my consulting business in the Bay Area (so I will no longer live above my means), facebook friends to provide support, a day that I had no meetings at work scheduled, an understanding boss, my warrior necklace and inner strength I didn't know I had, and finally, an amazing Credit Union that had my back!

And finally, if you had any part of today... a text, a call, a hug, or just following me on facebook, THANK YOU. I love you all.

DBear

What is wrong with America?

How do we pride ourselves in living in a first world country when we are a country filled with racism? A country of racists that don't even know they're racists. People are saying the Zimmerman case was not about race... It was about "Stand Your Ground" laws in Florida... But when a black woman in Florida is sent to prison for 20 years after firing a warning shot (nobody died) and claimed "stand your ground" but a non-black man is COMPLETELY OFF THE HOOK after chasing down a black TEENAGER and MURDERING him, that isn't about race?? Really??? (See image below) 

I know this is nothing new, bloggers all over the country are writing about this, people are tweeting, face booking, etc., but I needed an outlet tonight. 

On the same night I found out the verdict of this unjust case, I went to view a movie about Oscar Grant, "Fruitvale Station."  Please watch this if showing in your city; look for it later if it is not showing in your city. 

So who was Oscar Grant? He was a young black man who was killed at the Fruitvale Bart station (the one I use for work commute) for NO REASON. This movie is about his life and culminates in his death. I was shocked to even hear this sort of thing happens outside of the south. After all, I left Florida for many reasons; one of which is the irony of the image I shared above. I guess I am overwhelmed that this happens out here too. At least the officer in the case went to jail... But only for 11 months. Crazy. If it were a white male killed by a black cop, I can almost guarantee the result would be much different (again, see image above)

So what is the solution? Can someone please tell me? Protests aren't working, the justice system has failed... Sure, we've made strides... We have a black president. Yet we have a congress that fought against him with everything they had... and crazy right winged nut jobs that questioned his citizenship. Why? Would they question it if he was white? So no, electing President Obama twice does not make us a non-racist nation. It just means what once was the minority is now the majority. Unfortunately, this seems to come with even more racism. 

I'm going to smudge off and end the night in positive reflection because I am just sad. I am sad for our nation. I am sad for Trayvon's friends and family, Oscar's friends and family, every black male that cannot walk through a gated community... that cannot raise his voice in anger without being slammed to the ground and shot in the back.. and pray that there is REAL progress in my lifetime. A justice system that works FOR the people and not AGAINST us all. Isn't it LIFE, liberty, and justice for ALL? Give us life. Or at least justice for those who take life away. That is all. 

Love to all, light to all 

DBear 

Peace within the storm.... Finding contentment in the powerlessness

Powerlessness is depending on others for certain needs being met.. rides, food, medications, carrying things.

Powerlessness is being 3,000 miles from home while one of your dads has major surgery, your mom is playing nurse to said dad and caretaker to Grandma, and your forever soul sister is grieving because her dad is preparing to transition...

Powerlessness is not being able to talk to your forever soul sister for reasons beyond your control...

Powerlessness is not being able to tell your body what to do, or rather, have your body do what you ask of it (I really would just be happy to walk at this point, but would be elated to be back in the gym and on the field)

Powerlessness is living with a roommate that is a selfish being.

Contentment is being empowered by your own voice. 

Contentment is being able to ask and open to receiving... Having beautiful souls all around you to help you meet your needs. 

Contentment is being able to just be... Staying in bed all day with no worries of where I must go, what must be done, I can just be.

Contentment is a 5 year old girl's laughter lighting up the room as she gives me sweet gifts and hugs letting me know I am loved. 

Contentment is texts, phone calls, e-cards to my family back home. Contentment is being selfless enough to recognize when a message is for another and relaying that message to them... Allowing intuition to guide me over my emotion and intellect. 

Contentment is recognizing my limitations and knowing it is not forever. 

Contentment is finding gratitude and expressing such gratitude.

Contentment is knowing there is peace is the storm. It is be still and know...

Love and light

Me

Ch- Ch- Ch- Changes...

So I'm back. Woosah. Feels good to be home. Now that I am back, the changes I began implementing before take-off are now in full-force. What changes, you may ask? Lifestyle. But of course. I have now been 6 months without cigarettes, so it is time to do something about the weight. (For those of you who haven't known me long, this is the largest I have been in years. Am I obese? No. Am I uncomfortable? Yes)
So.... solution. Many of you know I have tried everything under the sun. But I really am in to a lifestyle shift today, not a diet, or a fad. I had nonstop classes at the gym lined up this week, but I am no longer going to that particular gym due to poor customer service (lower than poor, but that's for another blog). What is funny though is my herbalist/acupuncturist advised against EVERYTHING I was doing in the first place, it was actually making me worse due to my adrenal and liver function issues. Working out hard core for 50-60 minutes is not what he wants me to do. He advises I do 20 minutes here and there throughout the day. Which is funny because when I was doing that before, I was in the best shape of my life.
Now the food... this is where the major shift will take place. I am nearly vegetarian now. Not by choice. I love, love, love meat. But again, based on my health condition, metabolic age (49!!), and body type, it is recommended I eat 40% veggies, 30-40% whole grains, 15-20% animal, 5-10% fruit, something drastic like this. It's hilarious I call this drastic when I used to go on crazy Atkins diets. However, this is complete opposite of what I've been doing. Which may explain how I got to where I am now... uncomfortable.
So here goes nothing!
Oh, other recommendations include 3 cups of green tea a day, no soda (even diet, which I had been good about avoiding unless on vacation), 64 ounces of room temperature water (the colder the water, the slower the metabolism, or something), and the times of eating have totally changed! Breakfast before 10, Lunch around 11:30, Snack around 2, Dinner between 5 and 6, snack before bed (that is against everything I know... eating after 7? What?) But he is trained in eastern med and I trust him. I also know I feel great so far! And that's without even working out. Just having 12 or so days of this new way of eating.
I also have to add this is the exact way I was supposed to eat based on my blood type, and what type of oxidizer I am. However, I was too stubborn to do it.
Glad to let go of stubbornness and be open to a world of possibilities. Even enjoying (craving!) raw veggies, grilled eggplant!, veggie sandwiches, etc. So grateful.
So that's all :) No big deal

The waiting game...

So for those who have been following my flight experiences this week, be prepared for another fun time... I'm now on a plane but waiting... Similar to getting out of SFO, but this time for a weather delay. We will at least be sitting for an hour... As long as its not 3 hours, we will not have to deplane. And as long as we do not deplane, the flight will not be cancelled. And as long as the flight is not cancelled, my luggage will stay with me...

Geez

What is it with my luck this week?

The bright side is I had a wonderful conversation with Bear, reflecting on all of the amazing possibilities and opportunities that opened up this weekend. All because I flew home to surprise him. And my mom through a Sunday dinner in which many people connected and have created healthy bonds. I'd go in to more detail but most of that is their place to tell. I'm just extremely grateful for people in my life healing other people in my life, pathways of communication and trust being built, and relationships being established. I also strengthened a relationship with one of my (now) closest friends, love you Margit, and am grateful! Super grateful.

Sure. There were downsides to the trip, all the flight delays, some issues with my biological family, some sad times, and me needing to remember to practice principles in ALL my affairs (I'm stubborn, and impatient, what can I say?) but I choose to see the good today. Hope you all do too. 

And another good lesson- if you're angry or resentful, get over it. Life's too short not to! Too much love in the world to have hate in our hearts. If there is someone you are closed off to, create a possibility to make it right. Just do it. Live like there isn't a tomorrow! Because today is all we really have.

Love to all, light to all, 

DBear 

Flight Fiasco... again

So I have been on at least 20 planes in the last 10 months or so and never have I had a week (4 days) like this week. For part one of this story, stop reading now, and go read my last blog post (laughing at the lesson.) This blog post will not be nearly as funny, I am too exhausted, but here goes...
I was simply trying to fly out of DC to my hometown in order to surprise Bear for Father's Day. Simple. Right? Wrong. The morning started off frustrating enough because I couldn't get a representative to attend a meeting I thought we should attend, but that is a whole other story for a whole other time. Basically, I was just trying to get too many things done at once, as I knew I was leaving for the airport around noon and really wanted to stay in D.C. until today. Or yesterday. Friday. You get the point...
So I start hearing about flights and airports being closed due to weather around 10am. My flight was set to depart DC at 2pm. Arrive in Tallahassee at 4pm. So I call my airline in between meetings and obsessively check online. After all, if my flight is cancelled, I can stay in DC longer and attend the meetings myself. But every single person I spoke to said my flight was fine, no worries.
I head to the airport.
Shorter lines than expected. Check the screen. See nearly every flight cancelled or delayed. Except for Tallahassee! Exciting! Right? Ha. Just wait. We even board plane on time. No rain. Everything is fine. But we just keep sitting on the runway (all of 15 of us.... apparently, DC --> TLH is not very popular). And we sit. And we sit. I know enough to know that we are okay until we deplane. If we deplane, it's likely cancelled. We sit for 2 hours and 45 minutes. I am still calm at this point. I have a window seat with no passenger next to me. I read. I nap. I design workflows. I am fine. Then we get the announcement. We are reaching the limit for DOT regulations and must de-plane. We de-plane. I see THOUSANDS of people camped out. Not good. Instead of standing in line, I get on the phone (see last blog for the importance of this) Besides, I don't do lines. I get a flight leaving at 7:30 going to JAX. Meaning I need to find a ride home. No biggie.
But what about my baggage? Due to the volume of people at airport, there was no way for me to leave the terminal, go track down bags, re-check bag, and go back through security. So I get on the phone. I talk to agents at the gate. I talk to FOUR people, ALL say my bag will follow me to JAX. I finally get there at around 11:30... no bag. Long story short, I got to Tally at 3am (my poor mother) without my bag. I called the airline about 20 times (no exaggeration), was promised my bag would be in Tallahassee at 10:30 this morning. Where do they send it? JAX. Get on phone again. FINALLY am reunited with my bag at around midnight tonight. My mom retrieved it at 8pm (again, what a mom!) but I was unavailable to go with her to retrieve it... which brings me to the gratitude of this post...
I made it home in time to complete my operation... surprise my dad (Bear) for Father's Day! I had help from a friend and it was an amazing surprise! He had NO clue! I will only be home for the weekend so just seeing family, but really happy I pulled off the surprise.
I also made friends at the airport and practiced my acting skills pranking random strangers (you had to be there... but it involved a broken charging port we were sitting next to and some superb acting on my part)
Most importantly, I made it to my hometown. And had an amazing veggie sandwich from a place called Mickey's... highly recommended.
I do not get to stay long, but I just pray no more flight fiasco.
The last gratitude is my response to all of this. My mother was overhearing me on most of the calls with the airlines and was shocked at how calm I was through this all. Shocked. I have to say I am too. Feeling all zen, thanks to Reiki, Acupuncture, Landmark, friends of Bill, and of course, exhaustion.
Oh, and I can't forget to thank my awesome friend Mindy who let me raid her closet and makeup counter this morning. I got a compliment on the outfit I threw together every single place I went today :) Hippie meets rockstar meets beauty queen. Yep. That's me
Love to all, Light to all
DBear

Laughing at the lesson

(excuse the grammar, it's 3:15... or 12:15... I've had a 16 hour day that was "supposed" to be easy)

 

It’s amazing how cranky I can become when things do not go my way. Here I am, celebrating many milestones this week and I’m just a kvetching. Kvetching about flight plans not going my way. About going to D.C. and not getting enough time there to do things I want to do. Because I have to work. Blah blah blah blah blah.

It all started this morning when I woke up. Yep. The chatter begins before my feet even hit the floor. I was all in my head about this trip and instead of being excited about coming to D.C. to represent this amazing community, our youth, and our agency, I was more perturbed that I was coming to D.C. not getting to explore. (Keep in mind, I always wanted a job that would provide me with travel too..) Then, I get all ready and get to the airport. I’m thinking wow, this is a breeze. No traffic, no lines, easy. I did realize I was not allowed priority boarding though because the trip was booked with the company’s card, and not my personal United card.

First hissy fit. (In my head, of course).

But it’s ok. Really. It is. So as we line up to board, I am noticing how many people have bags that are oversized and clearly do not meet the requirements. I automatically know that there will not be enough overhead space for my bag because I was not given the priority boarding and I am sitting in Economy Plus (I always pay extra to fly in Plus because of my claustrophobia, that’s another thing I could kvetch about… but I let it go). So basically, we board, my bag ends up allllll the way back in row 25. I am in row 11.

Second hissy fit (in my head, of course).

We sit on the run way for about a half hour, then we are told there are mechanical issues. Keep in mind, this same thing happened my last trip when I was headed to Philly. I’m thinking “you have got to be kidding me, this plane was on the runway for at least two hours and you JUST now see mechanical issues?!” So apparently they cannot fix it, and we de-plane. Which means I have to let alllll these people get off before me because my bag is wayyyy back in row 25. So we de-plane. I expect they will just bring us another bird. That’s what typically happens. Nope. Flight is cancelled. CANCELLED! I have to be in D.C. tomorrow!

Third hissy fit (in my head, of course)

So I get on the phone (which is about to die… oh, I forgot to mention I paid $15 for a phone charger at the airport that didn’t actually charge my iPhone, then I lost it and couldn’t return it.. and ended up buying a $30 charger for the iPhone.. that was a mini hissy fit.. in my head, of course).. so anyway, I’m on the phone with United immediately. While I stand in land at customer service too. Basically, they went ahead and put me on the same plane that would leave tomorrow without asking me (which is now today because it is 3:15 am EST). I said no, that will not work, at all. So what do they do instead? Fly me to Dulles. Not Reagan. Dulles. But I got the flight. And I got the economy plus seat I really wanted. However, I get behind two of the most annoying girls I have ever heard speak in my entire life. How can two girls like talk for like 5 hours like oh my god? Yes. 5 hours of that. Skip the hissy fit and shoot me now. But I made it. We made it. I did politely ask them to pipe down, but they denied my request. So I get to Dulles. The ugliest, rankiest airport I have ever set foot in by the way… not knowing if my luggage will be there or not. There must have been at least one traveling god shining down on me because my luggage was there!

So here I am, in a cab (that will cost about $60) on my way to what apparently is a very famous hotel. And guess what? The cab driver needs to stop for gas. LOL. I can only laugh at this point. Today’s lesson must be patience.

Gratitudes for Today

I'm realizing more and more each day that I have less and less to say. This is ironic because my life is actually fuller than it's been in a while. Maybe I will go back to blog topics as I had when I created this space... have a topic of the day or the week and go from there. Today, I just needed to make a gratitude list. I am feeling a bit sad that I am not with my ladybug family for Girlstock in Atlanta. It's a conference started by my grand and I really wanted to be there for the first one. However, Atlanta is no longer just a skip away. It's a full 2,477 miles away. And I have work. A lot of work. Neverending evaluation plans to tweak, site visits that require my preparation, a woman's wellness conference tomorrow (not required by work, but something I am treating myself to), and then a commitment to myself on Sunday... I am opening my home for the first Southern Sunday... This will be a monthly event held on the rooftop of my apartment complex (Thanks mama for starting this for us!) So yes, I could have gone to Atlanta, but I would be behind in work, miss the wellness conference, postpone Southern Sunday, etc. Besides, I have to go to that coast in about 10 days for a conference in DC anyway. When I accept the fact that I can't just zoom back and forth between coasts, I will be a lot happier. Until then, I will continually feel like I am missing pieces of me. I chose to live here. Rather, it chose me, but I accepted this reality. I love this reality. I am grateful. But I also miss my people... So... maybe I need to focus my energies on my people here. I started that recently by asking a friend/coworker/amazing person to go on morning walks with me. We are now doing that 2-3 times a week, hella early, around our 3.2 mile Lake (Did I mention I live a few blocks away from the most amazing Lake?! For my Tallahassee peeps, it's Lake Ella on some massive steroids)... So that is one way I am opening myself to friends here. I also am still very involved in my gym, going 4 times a week lately.... having Southern Sunday... involved in Landmark weekly which has created more relationships and friendships... I am dating as well.... so I have people here. It's just a matter of being grateful and appreciative... So here goes the gratitudes
Walking buddy to start my days...
Stimulating conversations...
Beautiful connections with friends on BOTH coasts, from Pacific NW, to the Deep South...
Soul food...
Evaluation, Research, Data...
Suicide prevention and outreach...
The youth I work with that continually amaze me...
Opportunities to heal and grow...
Cultural events...
Self love and care...
Pretending dates are social experiments :)...
Sports and athleticism...
The most beautiful place in the United States (here of course)...
Mountains, Ocean, Lakes, Trails, Hikes, Flowers, Rocks...
Friendship with self and others...
Family...
Communicating with Bear on a regular basis...
Reconnecting with my bestie (love you, TT)...
Helping others...
Beading...
Mondays at Grandma Gayles...
Fridays at work...
Integration...
And with that, I am out (Reached the bottom of the page, so I have to stop myself and get back to work.)
Love to all, light to all
DBear

29 and feelin F.I.N.E.

I pray to God that my first day of 29 is no indicator of the lessons I will be taught this year... if so, that will include patience. Lots of patience, with myself and others. And one of the agreements I thought I had already learned... to not take anything personally.
So this is how my last 36 hours went down (I'll add my gratitudes shortly)... the birthday started with having to work. Yes, I planned it that way. Because I think work is too important to miss a day... if I am rigorously honest, it is because my ego tells me all things will fall apart if I am not there. Yet I disguise this as "responsibility." Either way, I went to work with a bad attitude, left my wallet at home (which I needed for a few travel reqs at work, and later my vehicle registration), prepared for a meeting in the wrong way (that's a whole story in itself), basically, it was just a day. I didn't do the things I wanted to do, because I chose to work. The real truth is I chose to work. All the drama and stories I attach to it are just that. I am learning patience with myself when I make these choices. It's completely unnecessary to punish myself with a bad attitude or pity party. I simply own up to make choices and act accordingly. I did get to leave work early and spend some time with my parents. After having a special coworker give me flowers, a client give me flowers, and over 100 people wishing me happy birthday. That was pretty awesome. (In case you haven't guessed.. birthdays are important to me. Why? Because I played Russian Roulette with my life multiple times over the course of my life... it's a miracle I am alive)
Now... let's get to today. Everyone knows I am a planner. So for me to commit to a road trip that is not planned out is huge. I thought I was prepared. Until I got in the car. Then, it hit. We are relying on google maps, have no hotel room reserved, actually reserved the rental car an hour before leaving, just whoa. Hold on. I need to plan. Please let me plan this out for you. Please. Nope. Not happening. Talk about a lesson in patience and letting go of control. THEN, I get NO hotspot service on the 9 hour ride to Crescent City (took a very long route), meaning I get very little work done. Irony. I wanted to work even though I used my PTO for this unorganized road trip. I needed to work. So I thought. Yet I got very little done and the sky did not fall. Love it.
I will not get in to the personalities here because this could easily shift into the blame game. But I am learning to speak up for myself, acknowledge my worth, without taking another person's actions personally. Enough on that.
So the GRATITUDE for the last 36 hours... I have spoken to my father Bear 3 times, received his letter this morning (thought I wouldn't get it til returning home Sunday!), have a very special recorded voicemail of him singing to me, was serenaded by three friends, am on my way to Portland to see my brother and friends I collaborate with on a professional level, I have 5 bouquets of flowers from Sunday-Tuesday (there's a long "story" here about how I was always the one giving flowers and never receiving them), and I have been able to watch 3 movies since my parents arrived in Cali. That is a miracle in itself. Oh, and Southern Food Sunday. My mother threw one of these on mother's day in celebration of my birthday and it was a huge hit. So the first Sunday of the month will be Southern Food Sunday on my rooftop patio. I have about 15 friends who are stoked about this, and I am stoked to be hosting! Good motivation for me to get back in the kitchen. I also had the opportunity to speak to my daddy, and am grateful for this. Let's see... I am sure there are many more, but I am tired. Ok, a few more... Pacific Ocean, birds, lighthouses, China, leisure reading, my mama, friends from Florida to California, the old friends I can talk to after forever and it's like no time has passed, forgiveness, and LOVE.
Love to all, Light to all
Me.

Last Day of 28

Well. I survived. They say 28 is when life is upside down, the year all the lessons we need to learn for the next 7 years will be thrown our way, all of that. I fully believe I have had a few lifetime's worth of 28s this year. It has been the most life changing, roller coaster ride of a year I could imagine. I thought 21 was that for me. But I have to say 28 is... yes, I know, I am so young.. thank you :) But we all know I'm an old soul. Regardless, I definitely had my share of life and lessons this year.
Most everything was wonderful. But it also came with heartbreak. I said some of the hardest "see you laters" of my life. I've also welcomed in some of the most beautiful relationships I have experienced to date. The most genuine and natural friendships... some of which are very recent. I have also experienced that old truth, that friends can go a long time without speaking and pick up like no time has passed. That's my favorite.
Most of all, I've experienced commitment. Commitment to my life here, even when the homesick seemed to smother me. Commitment to transformation... to learning the lessons and living fully... to completing all of the relationships in which I've been inauthentic and finding peace within... I can 100% say that regardless of what is going on with others, I experience peace. This is the most recent addition to 28, and I am forever grateful (call me superstitious, but I damn sure did not want to keep repeating the messes in relationships I've created for the next 7 years.) I am fully open to welcoming ANY person from my past back into my life with ZERO negative feelings attached to that person. That is a first for me. Ever. Again, I am grateful.
So the obvious changes that came with 28... moving across country, a new career, many trips for work, moving again after I moved cross country (stayed in the same city, at least), new friends, new everything really.... And those things that remained the same... my commitment to my weekly letters to and from my father (Bear), commitment to healing, my love for my China Queen, relationship status (well, I went from being emotionally unavailable to available... even though I've technically been single for a while now), and in an odd way.. Me. I have changed, yet I am still me. I can't really explain that, I guess you would have to be around me to know what I mean. And my sheros have remained the same... my mama and my Grandma. Love them to pieces.
With that said, I'm going back to my night. I am happy to say my mom and Jon (dad #2) are visiting for the first time. So I spent my last day of 28 working, while texting them directions around public transit in SF, then walking the Lake with my mama (she LOVES Lake Merritt/Grand Lake area), ordering Ethiopian for us (she hated that!, but Jon and I had hers), and now watching movies. This is the life. Glad I'm around for it :) To think, I never expected to live past 18. Here I am, a decade later, happier and more at peace than I've ever been... Life is good. All the time.
Love to all, Light to all,
Me

Transformative Work.

When I discussed my intentions for the new year back in January, I mentioned I would be taking on some self-help type seminars. I had no idea what that intention would actually create for me. I was hesitant to write about this, because I am still not sure what is happening. Well, that's a lie. I am transforming. I am walking in integrity. I am living life fully and powerfully, as if all is today. No tomorrow, no past. Today.
Part of this involves completion of things in my past... which is where it gets gritty. Those who are familiar with 12th step programs would liken this to the amends process. I feel it to be a 4th dimension to that process. I actaully acknowledge every person, relationship, experience in which I have been ingenuine so I can live a genuine existence. This is producing miraculous break throughs for me. Don't get me wrong, there are people who I have not been able to reach. I can attach many stories to this (they are damaged, they are hurt, they are closed off to communication, etc.) But the reality just is. And rather than being completely devestated by this reality (they cannot be reached), I acknowledge what is. And that is all there is.
Like I said, I was hesitant to explain this phenomenom because it's difficult to "get" unless you've experienced it yourself. I basically went through 10-20 years of therapy in 72 hours. I will continue to go to weekly seminars and one more intensive session. This will take course over the summer. I am creating all sorts of new possibilities for myself. the first of which is to live geniunely and in integrity. To be able to connect to others in a deeper way that what I was able to do before. This means complete acknowledgment of where I have been ingenuine in order to clear a passage for the possibilities I have created for myself.
Example: My dad. I have always wanted a relationship with him. Yet I never could say that to him. Those simple words never came out of my mouth. I said it was because I was scared, or he would reject me, blah blah, story, story. When the truth is I was ingenuine in that relationship. I was not authentic. I wrote my dad a letter about my inauthenticities and called him to read it to him. He actually was happy and wanted to be connected to me too! Who knew? For years, I told myself the story of my dad... that he just wasn't able to connect to me, or wasn't interested, or liked my siblings more, or blah, blah, story, story, story. When in reality, I needed to be authentic in my communication with him! After this call (yesterday) he called me back just to check on me! I do not know if that has ever happened.
I am grateful.
I am sure more will unfold, but for now, I just am. I would go in to the unexpected experiences that I label disheartening, but I am creating the posssibility that those will transform as well. My true hope is that everyone can experience what I am experiencing at this moment... transformation. Living a life of possibility and a transformed existence. It is a beautiful place to live.
Love to all, light to all
DBear

TBT

I noticed all the kids have used this "TBT" acronym for a while... Truth Be Told (well, there is also Throwback Thursday)... anyway, since I'm trying to be more cool to our youth, I figured I'd use it too. Ha, not really, I just wanted to use it. But TBT... some days are just shit. For no other reason than that. (Excuse my language if you are one of our youth, elders, or one of my mom's church friends, but I'm just gonna be real for a minute here)

Life can be going along great and bam! Shit just got real. Health scares, medical tests, crazy BS at work, drama everywhere you look and you're just trying to keep the peace, keep your own head above water, help everyone else, be the listener/counselor/peace maker, all while battling your own demons.

Suddenly, I'm not sure if I belong here, if I want to stay, if I even want to continue walking the Red Road... this is totally unlike me. I LOVE MY LIFE. But TBT, it can be a rough ride at times. And not one of those fun rough rides, a ride from hell. It's funny, I just told someone on OKC that today wasn't all sunshine and roses and then I realized I actually had a lot of sunshine today... and even roses from a community member, both in the literal sense. But I also had this fear deep within about my medical stuff, this heartbreak that ceases to let up (over someone I cannot mention, as much as I would love to call her out), and homesickness from hell. Not to mention all the deadlines, the lack of cooperation needed from others to make these deadlines, and all the stress that brings. (Did I mention I'm a bit OCD when it comes to all things evaluation and reports?) Yeah, well, I am.

So there was my truth for the day.

Now of course, I can't end on this note, because I'm too damn positive to end it like that. Everything is ok. Everything is much better. Medically, I have no clue. More tests tomorrow. But I AM OKAY. I Survive. Always. I had the opportunity to reach out to a friend back home (Love you, MM), and she was in need as well. I had my homegroup (Tally homegroup) backing me all the way, and just that support right there made me feel somewhat okay. I had a message from my mom, reminding me how beautiful and important I am. How I have made her proud. (If you know me, my story, or my mom, you know how far we have really come in the last 10 years). Back then, we weren't even sure I would be here to make her proud.

See, it's all about perspective. And that is what I found tonight. Not to mention the elder who was able to teach me the lesson through my perceived heartbreak. I set myself up. Every single time.
But that's another post for another night.

Love to all, light to all
Me

Surviving Saturn Return

Wow, it's been forever. Life is in session. I'm working a lot, playing softball now, hiking on a regular basis, hockey on and off, dating a bit, and have added an additional blog to my life. It's more focused on one topic, lifestyle changes pertaining to health. The main difference is I'm writing anonymously. I will share it here when I am ready. About 5 people are aware I am the author (and that the blog even exists)
So that's all. Just wanted to check in.
I've been in a funky space lately... Contemplating relationships. Love. Soul mates. What if I missed out on mine? Do we have but One? Or many? There's only one I considered to be my complete soul mate, that I was completely comfortable with and trusted with my life, the intimacy was complete but it was more than a sexual attraction. It was real intimacy. A mutual in-to-me-see. I wonder if that will exist in my life again. If I can have that in a friend and lover and them be one and the same. If not, I'll be grateful for the one I missed. I would say the one that got away, but we never really had each other. Just the idea of each other. The soul connection. The past life where we were one forever, and it lasted...
All I know is I deserve love, I deserve happiness, and it's time for me to fully believe that. To forgive those who have killed my spirit. Or tried to...

It's my 28th year. And it's almost over. They say life is upside down in this year. They also say if the lessons aren't learned, they will be repeated over and over again through the next 7 years. My goal in the next 6 weeks is to learn the damn lesson.

And act like I've learned it.

Love to all. Light to all.
DBear

Raw heart

Do you ever miss someone so much you cannot breathe? That you feel the life has been pulled out of you and all you can do is sob, hoping your tears will wash the pain away? It may be something that triggers it, or it may just hit out of nowhere, but one thing is certain-- the grief of missing that someone hits and hits hard. I hate that. How long will it last? Will these moments come intermittently forever? I hear they will come further apart as time goes on, that times heals all... I should know. It's not like I haven't been through it before. But none of that makes it better when it hits. The only thing that makes it better is knowing it will go away... And trying not to think about the fact that it will one day hit again. That grief will make you her bitch. Over and over again, as long as you live. For tonight, I can write her away. I can cry. I can feel it and let it go. Until it comes again...

Those are my raw thoughts for the night
Because it can't always be rainbows and butterflies

Love to all, light to all
DBear

Theme of the week....

I probably know better than to write when sleep deprived, but here goes...
I swear the theme of my week is powerlessness. I hate that. Or it could be my controlling natures are out of control. One of my favorite quotes by... well, me. Both are powerlessness, I guess.
To say this week has been "interesting" is an understatement. A coworker tells me interesting is a code word. For what? Hmmm, crappy? hell? Not going MY way? Interesting.
So this is how my week started... still getting over the sore throat crud that keeps nudging at me and won't let me be. Unable to fall asleep or stay asleep when I do fall asleep. And slammed at work is another understatement. Mainly powerless at work... unable to do my job when I await others to do their jobs. But I will not complain because I absolutely love my job and am grateful to be working. I am just tired. Over the next 3 days, I will work 42 hours. I have already worked 30 hours in the past 3 days. On about 2 hours sleep a night. Powerlessness. To make matters worse, I have been unable to work out because my body is not allowing it. Powerlessness.
Then came the fun part yesterday. This is where my humanness comes in. I go to the knee doctor. This is nothing new, I've been doing for about 15 years now. However, it is now time to hear the words I did not want to hear... they can no longer give me my usual injections because it is now more important to "save my knee"... meaning my knee is officially crap (as if I didn't know that), they can't replace it until I'm 40, and the only solution is the most painful injection of my life, Synvisc. I got it done, but screamed like a baby. Still limping today. However, instead of acknowledging my disappointment and powerlessness, I keep on my day like business as usual. I go to a wonderful meeting last night (topic? Powerlessness, go figure) and come home. Automatically, I start raging because of my ridiculously lazy roommate and his inability to clean up his own messes... powerlessness.
All of that to come to this conclusion.... yes, I am powerless over all of these people and situations. However, I can change my reactions. I can be grateful. I can express my opinions and desires (in a respectful manner) to coworkers, doctors, roommates, etc. I do not have to keep it all in my head and rage over it all. I can discuss it or get it all out in a healthy manner. That is up to me. Most importantly, I can choose to turn it all over. OR I can keep bitching about it all. What is my choice to be? I think I will choose a Power much greater than me.
Love to all, Light to all

DBear

Healing the Crazy Carla...

So this may be the longest I have gone without blogging... I am actually surprised that I did not write over the holidays, especially New Years. I think part of it is that December was just really a rough month for me. And I wasn't really "feeling" it... I also have been contemplating taking this blog in a different direction, and really getting serious about writing again. More on that later.
They say home is where the heart is. I still refer to Tallahassee as "home". However, after this trip back to Florida, I wonder if I will ever truly see it as home again. There is much healing that needs to occur before I can honestly say yes. Do I miss my family and friends I consider family? Very much. But there are deep wounds that come with "home" that I am never sure will completely heal. Every time I feel I have made strides in these areas, they just come right back up to smack me down. That is what I felt during my trip. Sure, there were some beautiful moments. Especially with my elders. There were also some very painful moments. Reminders of my past, of mistakes I have made, that I will never be forgiven for (so it seems to me), or that I am still paying for... and that is sad.
What was the saddest of all was my reactions. I tend to be very centered in my life here, grounded. Sure, I am high strung at work, but I am paid to be... that is my job. Most of the time, I am relatively calm. Most of the time. Going home, that was not the case. My reactions were automatically those of my 21 and 22 year old self, maybe even my 14 year old self. Believe me, that is not someone anyone should see. Crazy Carla does not need to come out. Ever. And that is exactly what happened. And continues to happen when I allow myself to go there.
Since I have returned from my trip, it has been abundantly apparent that there are certain roles I cannot return to, certain relationships I need to abstain from until I heal. Maybe I can be part of those relationships after the healing has happened, but not until then. How do I know this? Quite simply, if I cannot interact with the person in question without becoming Crazy Carla, I need not interact with them at all. This is a hard lesson. A sad one. Does this mean I love the person any less? Absolutely not. Does this mean I do not want to be involved in their life? No, I do. I just need to heal first. I need to get over the harm caused, by myself and the other person. I need to take my claws out of it. Let go.
Woosah.
I needed to breathe.
I can say there have been completely healthy decisions made since coming home from Florida. I am now Literature Chair at my home group (the oldest women's meeting in the East Bay), childcare provider to the Sunday meeting moms at Central, and I took a hotline shift for the middle of the night on the weekends. I also started hockey, and will be doing some personal growth seminars in SF this spring. I didn't set out the year to do more, it's just all falling in to place this way. As far as the goals I have for this year, I am still working on those. I am actively practicing gratitude on a daily basis, handling my financial affairs, and practicing self-care. Those are definites. And part of the letting go is included in that self-care.
There was a part of me that questioned my decision of moving here once I came back to the Bay. It was a minor panic attack over the cost of living, the lonesomeness I sometimes feel here, the missing my family and my Bear, etc. That was short lived. I came back to work and realized I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I had all of these service work opportunities present themselves and was reminded.... In this moment, without fail, I am where Creator intends me to be. For this, I am truly grateful.
Love to all, Light to all,
DBear

Life on life's terms...

I'm sure I've probably had a blogpost with this title before... it's something I run in to a lot. Living life on life's terms, not my terms, accepting the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, the tough times, things I might not understand... just accepting it all, knowing there is a higher reason for it all and I do not have to understand at this moment. That is difficult. I want to know everything, right now. I remember when I was moving out here, there was a two week window where I had no clue when I was moving, if I was moving, where I would live, how I was getting there, etc. But it all fell in to place. So if that can happen, why do I have such a difficult time trusting everything else to fall in to place? Me of little faith...
I've had a rough week and a half... two major shocks to my system came in the form of death, and another in the form of broken trust. Usually, I am a good judge of who I can trust. I at least get a sense of unease when there is someone I know I cannot trust. Can't explain it, just a feeling. However, I was way off on this one. It's disappointing. To say the least. I really believe I do my best, and good will overcome, no matter what.. I just have to keep believing that. I am very confident in the decisions I make, knowing that I consult a God much more powerful than any human, and work for the greater good, serving my community over ego and personality, striving for the Spiritual over the greed... This, I must remember, and this will always pay off in the end. No matter what.
So here I am, questioning my own judgment, yet remembering who I am- a selfless, honest hard worker. I may be a bit of a feeler and more emotional than I would prefer, but at least I'm honest and sensitive to others. I'd rather feel and connect with others than be cold and disconnected. That is my choice today. For this, I am grateful.
Love and light to all,
DBear

Speak

I wrote this poem tonight...short, but to the point... in response to many issues that have been brewing for years. I felt them reach down to the core of my being as I was researching my family, Thanksgiving brought up even more (walking in two worlds... not an easy way to live) Add a death in the family, and here I am...
I refrain from going in to much detail, as I do not wish to offend or open old wounds- I just seek truth.

Unanswered questions, tales of deceit cover like a blanket, smothering me
Speak! Somebody, Speak!
Generations of lies, pieces missing, people no longer around to tell their stories
Speak! Somebody, Speak!
Can you hear me? Questions resounding, Truth is my aim, tell me our story
Speak! Somebody, Speak!

Unity, Love, and the like

I have so many thoughts and topics going through my mind this morning, it's taken me a bit to collect my thoughts. First of all, I want to thank everyone who participated in democracy by casting their vote. Regardless of differences, thank you.
Now to my thoughts... I have been reflecting on Unity and Love. It truly saddens me when I see people who profess Love in their hearts on Sunday, but spew what appears to be hatred to the world every other day- hatred of others who love differently, hatred of a man who has tried his best to turn this country around, hatred of those who may have fallen on hard times and need help, hatred towards universal healthcare.... I'd like to think I am mistaking fear for hatred. I would like to put on my rose-colored glasses and say "no, not my friends, they couldn't possibly hate anything that resembles an act of moving forward in this country, change, embracing equality." However, I am not there yet. Why do you hate? Is it fear? Is it change? Someone fill me in here, because I am truly baffled.
Last night, I saw someone on national television say she cast her vote for a certain person because she is a Christian. I was raised in the Bible Belt. In many churches, with many ministers putting their spin on the Bible, etc. Regardless of how many ways the web of deceit is spun, it is my belief that Jesus would be feeding the poor, offering FREE healing to the sick, sitting with the outcasts... oh wait, he did those things. So if one is going to be Christian, which is believing in Jesus as their Savior, then why not do your part and live as Jesus would live? And no, going to a shelter and feeding people once a year is not what I am referring to. What I am referring to is embracing our brothers and sisters, accepting our differences, applauding when someone is awarded the "right" to pursue happiness (congrats Maine, Maryland, and Washington), enthusiastically embracing affordable healthcare, crying tears of joy when the child with cancer is no longer denied coverage, rejoicing when our elders are allowed the medicare and social security they worked so hard to have, and understanding that sometimes people fall on hard times and it is the Christian way to help them and not refer to them as "lazy." Is our system perfect? No. Are there people who abuse certain aspects of it? Absolutely. Does this mean we stop living these ideals? I hope not. So, for those of you that do live a Christian life, Live It. For those of different faiths, live it- because we are allowed that choice. We are allowed freedom of religion. Or no religion. But for the Love of all things good, Be Kind. Find a way to Unity. Be Love.
That's all.
DBear

Real talk.

This weekend has been a weekend of reflection, reconnection, excitement, and getting back to my priorities in life. My main priority is, and will hopefully always be, to be of maximum service to God and my fellows. That's what I eagerly signed on for years ago, and it's worked well. However, I lose sight of that. I get busy with work or the gym, trying to find my way around my new surroundings, exploring, etc, that I lose sight of my main purpose. Sure, I volunteer in my community and attempt to be a person that contributes to the well being of others, not one to just take what I can from the world, but actually give back. Whether that be at an event, in the workplace, at home, or in the fellowship. However, that isn't possible when I am not actively working some sort of recovery program. And for me that is more than just connecting with my creator daily. It's getting back in to service in recovery. Because without recovery, I would in no way be in service in these other areas of my life. Quite honestly, I'd be in prison or dead.. My guess is the latter.
It's been extremely difficult for me to feel connected to the recovery community in Oakland. Mainly because I haven't made the effort. I don't have the desperation I had circa 2005. Life is great. I'd rather go to work, hit the gym, explore the Bay Area, take care of life stuff... or I'm too busy to make time, all of that stuff we do. Or I do. So I'm reconnecting.
I came to Sacremento thinking I wouldn't know a soul at this conference. I actually almost cancelled at the last minute because I felt I needed to work this weekend and I'm in Portland next weekend. Thank God I didn't talk myself out of it. I get here and meet people I feel I've known for years. I also see Oakland and SF people here. We set up a good schedule of meetings for me to check out. Connection. Excitement. Priorities. And it just so happens my lungs are still too weak from the pneumonia to be in the gym so that is freeing up lots of time to get plugged in. Who knew illness would be a blessing :)
I'm grateful. Always.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Lessons from the plague

Finding gratitude when feeling like crap is not the easiest feat. Actually, it's very difficult. What I am learning is I am still a horrible patient, and have yet to outgrow my sensitivity handicap when ill. Yes, I am naturally sensitive, but have grown leaps and bounds in this area of my life. Until I get sick. Then, I am one wildly hormonal woman. Especially if it involves me having to take some sort of steroids.
So this has been my month in a nutshell- I got a cold. Then bronchitis. Then my asthma became unhappy with me, and that led to breathing treatment after breathing treatment, yet I still couldn't fend off pneumonia. Next, the medicine they gave me caused an infection in my throat, which landed me in the hospital because I could not swallow my own saliva. They also believe I have strep. After becoming re-hydrated, given new kick ass antibiotics and steroids, and a million jolts of Reiki love from my Bear, I am finally (hopefully) on the upside of all of this.
It's taught me a lot about myself though. I hate being sick. I am not good at it. It's also taught me about others- some are complete insensitive jerks, while others are truly helpful beings who find themselves being helpful no matter what. I am grateful for both. This time ill has given me the ability to connect with new friends, to rest my body and give it a break from working out (as much as I hate that), to quit smoking!, and to find genuine happiness in my art. I needed that. No matter how the lesson comes, I am grateful for it. Every single time. So this one huge month of a lesson is this- treat my body well, appreciate kindness, shake off the rest, and when all else fails, go within and find peace doing something creative. Whether it's being creative in my work life or play life, it makes me feel more whole. That's good enough for me :)
Thank you, plague, for teaching me. You can leave now
Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Why I do not drink...

In a couple of weeks, it will be 7 years since I have last had a drink. Some may think it's easier to be a nondrinker the longer one is away from a drink. But most of us in the sober world know this isn't the case. At times, I feel like it's harder than ever. I got sober when I was barely legal- age 21. What many people do not know is I had been in and out of meetings, therapy, treatment centers, jails, churches, halfway houses, etc. since age 15. So by the time I got sober, I was sick of it all. However, I have to remind myself of all of that to this day. Why? Because I know what alcohol did to me. I know the roads it led me down... The drugs, suicide attempts, near death experiences, the person I became... I know the destruction it caused, to myself and those around me. Why am I thinking of this right now? Because it's important to me to remember who I am. At times, I feel I am the only person in my community that doesn't drink. I know this isn't true. I can go to a meeting, hang out with certain co-workers, attend a community event, and find sober people at all of those places. However, to be a 28 year old single lesbian in Oakland/SF, it is rare that I am sober. Very rare. I thought it would be easier after college. Undergrad was difficult, graduate school was harder (grad students can really knock them back!), adult life- even harder. So I have to remind myself at times.
Tonight, I was discussing New Year's with someone. We were talking about costs of a night out- free drinks, food, DJ's, etc. I asked "what if I don't drink?" Someone made the comment that I should. Or something like this. I had to quickly explain that I have been down that road, and it never ended up as something I should have done... unless we want to include jails, institutions, and near death in that list. It was a good reminder to myself though. Isn't that what it's about anyway? To thine own self be true... Regardless of what others are doing, and what looks like the fun thing to do, it all comes down to knowing myself, and knowing where I belong... sober, healthy, and happy. Living my life purposefully and being of maximum service to others. And that is just not possible without my sobriety. That is why I do not drink. I like who I am sober, I enjoy the relationships I have been able to build and sustain through sobriety. Most of all, the connection I feel with my Creator, a connection I was unable to attain under the influence of multiple substances. Through this connection, I am able to live a life that is truly beyond my wildest dreams. And that is why I do not drink...
Love to all, Light to all
DBear

When life gives you mud...

...Make a mud pie. Yes, my country girl just came out :)

Character Building. What step am I working? Where are my feet? 

These are the thoughts that stay with me whenever I am going through a difficult times. Then, my mom's favorite- "put your big girl panties on and deal with it." I need all of these right now. It's funny how life can be going along so grand and then something hits that just knocks you off your feet. For me, it's a medical issue, and the side effects of such issue. I've done enough griping about that for a few weeks. 

I have to remember I will not feel like this forever, it is simply temporary. I do not have to act on every impulse I have... to yell, to cry, to try to numb out with anything other than God... this is temporary. I am letting go, letting God, trusting that I am okay. I will be okay. Everything is okay. Even if I don't get better today, it is all okay. Right now, in this moment, I am at my dream job, receiving sweet texts from my love, breathing in the life force that is the Great Spirit, and I am okay. My feet are firmly planted, waiting for my mind to get there too. Until then, I will put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

Love to all, Light to all

DBear