The following was written December 23, 2010... (I haven't even gone through my paper journals dating back to 2005)-- yes, some of the post below is extremely personal, but if I am going to write this book, I have to practice my transparency more and more each day. I am grateful to have become the woman I describe in the last paragraph, the flameless candle that shines rather than burns, the candle that has found her freedom. Love and Light, Me.
"Some fight with their fists, others use words. Whether the
words are cruel or manipulative, silence or screaming, these are the worst
wounds to heal. The emotional wounds, much more difficult than the physical.
All of my life, I have been exposed to various forms of abuse. Though the early parts of my abuse history were not of my choosing
and were completely out of my control, I have attracted the same type of abusive
characters into this drama that is my life. In these relationships, I would
stay longer when I should have gone, I would egg on the fights, spitting out
words sharper than razor blades, repeating the cycle as so many do. Before
sobriety, I hit back. Then I would just hit. Or throw things. After getting
sober, I decided this must change. What I did not realize is that I still carry
within me the capacity to abuse, the worst possible type: the emotional. I
carry within me the need to take hostages, the need to have possession, the
need to show my victim that she is the most important person in the world and
expect her to show me the same. I carry within my the jealousy of a scorned
lover, and will make you feel like you are going crazy because I feel I am
going crazy and nobody wants to get on that train alone. I carry within me the
desperation of a child who was abandoned, neglected, beat down, rejected… a
child that just wants to be loved, protected, acknowledged, appreciated,
wanted.
I must stop fighting. I must stop this cycle.
Although I do carry these rather unpleasant parts of myself,
I am realizing there are parts of me that can be of use. There is the
selflessness, the thoughtfulness, the caretaker self. There is the part of me
that can lift another’s soul and spirit. I carry within me a battered and
broken, but enormous heart, with more room for love than heartache. So where is the balance? All of these
parts can be manipulated to my own selfish ends, so I must find the balance of shining
without burning. A bright light that is safe to be near. Not a flame. Rather, a
flameless candle. One that shines so bright with thoughtfulness and
selflessness, not expecting the same in return and burning you if you do not
meet said expectations. This is my prayer, that I become this person. Maybe
then, my soul will finally get a glimpse of freedom, health, and become whole."
© Carla McClellan, 2010
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