To thine own self be true

* all material is original and can be reposted with permission*

The facade we put out into the world is just that, a facade. true growth occurs when we are willing to let people see the true being that is ourself. this is the very essence of "to thine own self be true..."

For many years in recovery, I did not really know what that quote meant... "to thine own self be true" After all, I did a moral inventory, I had gone to counseling, I wrote my inventory each night, what else was there for me to do??! For me, I had to be true in my personal relationships. I had to be true in what I was willing to accept from others. I had to be true in knowing that I deserve better than emotionally abusive relationships.
It took me years into sobriety to realize that I was being abused by someone. Being true to myself means that I am worth more than that abuse today. I can detach with love. I can be safe. I can go on from here and help others who have been in the same situation as I. I can break the silence when it will be helpful. To myself and others be true. Love and light.
DBear

2014 recap and gratitude

2014 nearly killed me. I thought 2013 was tough with the job loss and the move, but at least I spent that entire year living in the most sought after housing market in the US and traveling the country.
Contrarily, I spent 2014 taking care of my ailing grandmother (alzheimers), losing two jobs due to health problems, grieving the other grandmother and my grandfather,  along with a few uncles and three really good friends, then two best friends who didn't die, but rather chose to leave my life.  Not to mention the medical problems that turned my world upside down. And the loneliness. Sometimes, all my body allows me to do is stay on the couch and that gets lonely. Very lonely. I'm not sure I even traveled this year, that would be the first in my life since about 2006.
However, there have been some major blessings for 2014. Anyone has followed any of my blogs know that I have to end with gratitude, just as I have to begin with gratitude.  So here goes...

1. I was able to forgive myself for past actions that came up when I moved back here. It's finally happened.

2. I had the opportunity to be of service to my grandmother, to a friend who had a new baby this year and her 3 other kids, and to many others. One of those jobs gave you the ability to help a teenage girl get out of a very abusive living situation and now she is doing great!

3. Joining St. John's officially,  being confirmed in the Episcopal church, and of course joining the choir. I'm a much better singer than I was when I moved back, and a much better person at that. I've come to peace with the church and have built some beautiful friendships with Susan Gage and Mother Phoebe! (Interestingly, neither are primarily at SJ as they were before I moved away in 2009)

4. Reconnection with friends and family, building new friendships within the church and the LGBT community, sponsorship. My first show at Mickee Faust! Hopefully,  I will have time to join Faust this coming year,  but if not,  I'll be going to their shows! And heu, I was on the front page of my hometown newspaper wearing a rainbow flag. it doesn't get much cooler than that!

5. Reiki practice and becoming a practitioner. I also had an incredible experience of healing and forgiveness towards another during my first Reiki workshop. That cannot be undone. I'm also building a beautiful friendship with my Reiki master, Susie, and I hope that we can nurture this friendship for years to come.

6. Finally making the year commitment to dialectical behavioral skills- learning more about mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotional regulation, and impulsiveness. Very excited about this new venture, regardless of the heartache that brought me to the willingness to do it!

7. A fabulous new team of doctors. If I have to have medical problems, I may as well have a kickass team of doctors.

8. A great (and affordable) personal trainer who works with me on my nutrition and simply makes living a healthier lifestyle easier for me :) the added benefit of working out with my bestie Margit, and our trips to Trader Joe's after :)

9. Reconnected with my dad. And my father. They are different. But I've come to a place in my life where I have a great relationship with bio dad, and Bear as always,  along with a good place with my step dad.  I was not sure that would ever happen. It's a great place to be. I also get to work with Bear every single day as we do distance Reiki. Look forward to continue this for many years to come.

10. Of course I'm grateful for my beautiful home. It can be very difficult living in the house I was raised in, considering a lot of the things that went on in this household during my younger years and my teenage years. A lot of trauma. However, I have the honor to continue to live here and the blessing of saving money while doing so. Its a 3 bedroom house with 2 living rooms a screened in porch a full backyard and 2 bathrooms and I'm paying less than I would be paying for a single apartment. You really can't beat that. I also get to have free reign on how I decorate the place it's becoming my sanctuary. Thank you to my mom for trusting me with her house. Now to hosting more friends and gatherings here In the new year,  starting with our Vision Board party Jan 6!

11. I joined a life course group of sorts back in June and have made some lifelong friendships. Although we have all been busy, I know that I can call on a few of these girls when life gets tough and they are always offering to help. I can count on one of them to go out for a nature walk or a kayaking trip and it's like we have been friends forever (looking at you, Rojas!). And I reconnected with Leffler who I beat up on the playground in 4th grade (she tells the story differently) and we are becoming great friends too (hahaha love you kelly!)

12. I started working on art more- from getting back into photography to collages and mandalas, it's all calming for my soul, and I hope to continue this in the new year.

These are the top 12 for me. I hope that you will join me in posting some of your gratitude below (no acct needed, just sign your name so I know who you are) If you want to join in on our vision board party, any outings or any of our growing activities, please let me know. We would love to have you. the goal for this next year is to have something happening at least once a month.
Love and light, see you in 2015
D bear

Happy Winter Solstice 2014!

Happy Winter Solstice! Ah, what a beautiful day to start the new year! Yes, it was dreary, but it's beautiful to me. I spent it sleeping in til 2pm, then sharing my favorite meal with my mom and brother, after which I headed over to my sister's bestfriend's house for a get together. Good music, amazing food, and great company! I came home to dance in the rain, scroll through facebook, and ponder the new year ahead. I usually celebrate the New Year on January 1, but this year has been particularly rough, so I'm ready to start it now!

2014 brought lots of heartache and loss, but also opened many avenues to change. Many doors to new friendships, opportunities to heal. So as I begin this year new, I will capitalize on the opportunities and try not to dwell in the past. I'm sad for all the loved ones lost last year, and all of the financial difficulties the year brought me, as well as the setbacks in my health. This year will be one of restoration- financially, physically, and emotionally. Spiritually, 2014 brought my back to the church, and I will continue on this path. Participating in church, as well as daily meditation and Reiki. I will also have a couple of more surgeries that will hopefully correct some of the physical. Most importantly, I've enrolled in a life course of sorts, intense therapy so to speak, learning new behavioral skills. This will last for an entire year, but the skills will last a lifetime. How grateful I am to have this opportunity. I'm excited for the possibility of allowing myself to heal, 100%. 

I'm sure I will write my annual gratitude list next week, this is a tradition I tend to carry every year. But for today, I am starting the new year with the winter solstice, and I am grateful just for that. Here's to a year of healing, self-forgiveness, self-love, compassion for others, growth, love and truth. May each of you be granted whatever your hearts' desire.

Love and Light

DBear

When is it time to say goodbye?

For years, I have been trying to make a certain relationship work
One that has filled my soul and spirit to the brim, but has also brought me such heartache and toxicity that has become dangerous for my wellbeing. It's no secret that I have struggled with suicidal tendencies in the past. So when a relationship can bring me to that point- to wanting to kill myself at the thought of the relationship being over - is that when it's time to say goodbye?
But what about the incredible times? What about the beautiful moments of healing and complete intimacy. Unconditional love. Then again, if it was unconditional love, it wouldn't be emotionally abusive. The other person wouldn't just shut me out when it's convenient for them. They would want to stay, to grow, to love, to talk. Maybe that's when it's time to let go... when the other person decides I am no longer worthy of their love. Their friendship. Their compassion.
The problem is, I still love this person more than words can express, the emptiness I feel without them-- it's like I can't catch my breath. The greatest panic attack meets the all consuming grief. I love her more than I've even loved past partners. (This isn't a romantic relationship, it's a soul's kinship)... We have this pull to one another I've never felt before... a magnetic energy. Yet it's interrupted by toxicity. I just want the toxicity to end, I want to begin again, I want to go back to my friend...

I am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman...

Words from my older sister.

Thank God for sisters and girlfriends.

Tonight was one of those nights. Full moon + PMS = very emotional and sensitive me. On top of my typical sensitive self. 

Part of me has learned to enjoy my sensitivity. It makes me truly care about others. It brings out much empathy. 

But it's a double-edged sword. And will cut me in a heartbeat. Like tonight. All it took was one person hurting me with their words and I curled up to a ball of tears. This person is obviously someone I care deeply about, and very much want to have them in my life. But I also give them the power to bring out a very weak, emotional, hurting little girl. 

Luckily, I chose to call my sister and check on her. She reminded me I am a strong, beautiful, amazing woman. I've survived much more than someone else's razor tongue, no matter how much I love that person. 

I am strong enough to control my emotions and not let a person, the moon, or PMS get the best of me. I am warrior woman, hear me roar. 

Aho

DBear