I'm realizing more and more each day that I have less and less to say. This is ironic because my life is actually fuller than it's been in a while. Maybe I will go back to blog topics as I had when I created this space... have a topic of the day or the week and go from there. Today, I just needed to make a gratitude list. I am feeling a bit sad that I am not with my ladybug family for Girlstock in Atlanta. It's a conference started by my grand and I really wanted to be there for the first one. However, Atlanta is no longer just a skip away. It's a full 2,477 miles away. And I have work. A lot of work. Neverending evaluation plans to tweak, site visits that require my preparation, a woman's wellness conference tomorrow (not required by work, but something I am treating myself to), and then a commitment to myself on Sunday... I am opening my home for the first Southern Sunday... This will be a monthly event held on the rooftop of my apartment complex (Thanks mama for starting this for us!) So yes, I could have gone to Atlanta, but I would be behind in work, miss the wellness conference, postpone Southern Sunday, etc. Besides, I have to go to that coast in about 10 days for a conference in DC anyway. When I accept the fact that I can't just zoom back and forth between coasts, I will be a lot happier. Until then, I will continually feel like I am missing pieces of me. I chose to live here. Rather, it chose me, but I accepted this reality. I love this reality. I am grateful. But I also miss my people... So... maybe I need to focus my energies on my people here. I started that recently by asking a friend/coworker/amazing person to go on morning walks with me. We are now doing that 2-3 times a week, hella early, around our 3.2 mile Lake (Did I mention I live a few blocks away from the most amazing Lake?! For my Tallahassee peeps, it's Lake Ella on some massive steroids)... So that is one way I am opening myself to friends here. I also am still very involved in my gym, going 4 times a week lately.... having Southern Sunday... involved in Landmark weekly which has created more relationships and friendships... I am dating as well.... so I have people here. It's just a matter of being grateful and appreciative... So here goes the gratitudes
Walking buddy to start my days...
Stimulating conversations...
Beautiful connections with friends on BOTH coasts, from Pacific NW, to the Deep South...
Soul food...
Evaluation, Research, Data...
Suicide prevention and outreach...
The youth I work with that continually amaze me...
Opportunities to heal and grow...
Cultural events...
Self love and care...
Pretending dates are social experiments :)...
Sports and athleticism...
The most beautiful place in the United States (here of course)...
Mountains, Ocean, Lakes, Trails, Hikes, Flowers, Rocks...
Friendship with self and others...
Family...
Communicating with Bear on a regular basis...
Reconnecting with my bestie (love you, TT)...
Helping others...
Beading...
Mondays at Grandma Gayles...
Fridays at work...
Integration...
And with that, I am out (Reached the bottom of the page, so I have to stop myself and get back to work.)
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
29 and feelin F.I.N.E.
I pray to God that my first day of 29 is no indicator of the lessons I will be taught this year... if so, that will include patience. Lots of patience, with myself and others. And one of the agreements I thought I had already learned... to not take anything personally.
So this is how my last 36 hours went down (I'll add my gratitudes shortly)... the birthday started with having to work. Yes, I planned it that way. Because I think work is too important to miss a day... if I am rigorously honest, it is because my ego tells me all things will fall apart if I am not there. Yet I disguise this as "responsibility." Either way, I went to work with a bad attitude, left my wallet at home (which I needed for a few travel reqs at work, and later my vehicle registration), prepared for a meeting in the wrong way (that's a whole story in itself), basically, it was just a day. I didn't do the things I wanted to do, because I chose to work. The real truth is I chose to work. All the drama and stories I attach to it are just that. I am learning patience with myself when I make these choices. It's completely unnecessary to punish myself with a bad attitude or pity party. I simply own up to make choices and act accordingly. I did get to leave work early and spend some time with my parents. After having a special coworker give me flowers, a client give me flowers, and over 100 people wishing me happy birthday. That was pretty awesome. (In case you haven't guessed.. birthdays are important to me. Why? Because I played Russian Roulette with my life multiple times over the course of my life... it's a miracle I am alive)
Now... let's get to today. Everyone knows I am a planner. So for me to commit to a road trip that is not planned out is huge. I thought I was prepared. Until I got in the car. Then, it hit. We are relying on google maps, have no hotel room reserved, actually reserved the rental car an hour before leaving, just whoa. Hold on. I need to plan. Please let me plan this out for you. Please. Nope. Not happening. Talk about a lesson in patience and letting go of control. THEN, I get NO hotspot service on the 9 hour ride to Crescent City (took a very long route), meaning I get very little work done. Irony. I wanted to work even though I used my PTO for this unorganized road trip. I needed to work. So I thought. Yet I got very little done and the sky did not fall. Love it.
I will not get in to the personalities here because this could easily shift into the blame game. But I am learning to speak up for myself, acknowledge my worth, without taking another person's actions personally. Enough on that.
So the GRATITUDE for the last 36 hours... I have spoken to my father Bear 3 times, received his letter this morning (thought I wouldn't get it til returning home Sunday!), have a very special recorded voicemail of him singing to me, was serenaded by three friends, am on my way to Portland to see my brother and friends I collaborate with on a professional level, I have 5 bouquets of flowers from Sunday-Tuesday (there's a long "story" here about how I was always the one giving flowers and never receiving them), and I have been able to watch 3 movies since my parents arrived in Cali. That is a miracle in itself. Oh, and Southern Food Sunday. My mother threw one of these on mother's day in celebration of my birthday and it was a huge hit. So the first Sunday of the month will be Southern Food Sunday on my rooftop patio. I have about 15 friends who are stoked about this, and I am stoked to be hosting! Good motivation for me to get back in the kitchen. I also had the opportunity to speak to my daddy, and am grateful for this. Let's see... I am sure there are many more, but I am tired. Ok, a few more... Pacific Ocean, birds, lighthouses, China, leisure reading, my mama, friends from Florida to California, the old friends I can talk to after forever and it's like no time has passed, forgiveness, and LOVE.
Love to all, Light to all
Me.
So this is how my last 36 hours went down (I'll add my gratitudes shortly)... the birthday started with having to work. Yes, I planned it that way. Because I think work is too important to miss a day... if I am rigorously honest, it is because my ego tells me all things will fall apart if I am not there. Yet I disguise this as "responsibility." Either way, I went to work with a bad attitude, left my wallet at home (which I needed for a few travel reqs at work, and later my vehicle registration), prepared for a meeting in the wrong way (that's a whole story in itself), basically, it was just a day. I didn't do the things I wanted to do, because I chose to work. The real truth is I chose to work. All the drama and stories I attach to it are just that. I am learning patience with myself when I make these choices. It's completely unnecessary to punish myself with a bad attitude or pity party. I simply own up to make choices and act accordingly. I did get to leave work early and spend some time with my parents. After having a special coworker give me flowers, a client give me flowers, and over 100 people wishing me happy birthday. That was pretty awesome. (In case you haven't guessed.. birthdays are important to me. Why? Because I played Russian Roulette with my life multiple times over the course of my life... it's a miracle I am alive)
Now... let's get to today. Everyone knows I am a planner. So for me to commit to a road trip that is not planned out is huge. I thought I was prepared. Until I got in the car. Then, it hit. We are relying on google maps, have no hotel room reserved, actually reserved the rental car an hour before leaving, just whoa. Hold on. I need to plan. Please let me plan this out for you. Please. Nope. Not happening. Talk about a lesson in patience and letting go of control. THEN, I get NO hotspot service on the 9 hour ride to Crescent City (took a very long route), meaning I get very little work done. Irony. I wanted to work even though I used my PTO for this unorganized road trip. I needed to work. So I thought. Yet I got very little done and the sky did not fall. Love it.
I will not get in to the personalities here because this could easily shift into the blame game. But I am learning to speak up for myself, acknowledge my worth, without taking another person's actions personally. Enough on that.
So the GRATITUDE for the last 36 hours... I have spoken to my father Bear 3 times, received his letter this morning (thought I wouldn't get it til returning home Sunday!), have a very special recorded voicemail of him singing to me, was serenaded by three friends, am on my way to Portland to see my brother and friends I collaborate with on a professional level, I have 5 bouquets of flowers from Sunday-Tuesday (there's a long "story" here about how I was always the one giving flowers and never receiving them), and I have been able to watch 3 movies since my parents arrived in Cali. That is a miracle in itself. Oh, and Southern Food Sunday. My mother threw one of these on mother's day in celebration of my birthday and it was a huge hit. So the first Sunday of the month will be Southern Food Sunday on my rooftop patio. I have about 15 friends who are stoked about this, and I am stoked to be hosting! Good motivation for me to get back in the kitchen. I also had the opportunity to speak to my daddy, and am grateful for this. Let's see... I am sure there are many more, but I am tired. Ok, a few more... Pacific Ocean, birds, lighthouses, China, leisure reading, my mama, friends from Florida to California, the old friends I can talk to after forever and it's like no time has passed, forgiveness, and LOVE.
Love to all, Light to all
Me.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Last Day of 28
Well. I survived. They say 28 is when life is upside down, the year all the lessons we need to learn for the next 7 years will be thrown our way, all of that. I fully believe I have had a few lifetime's worth of 28s this year. It has been the most life changing, roller coaster ride of a year I could imagine. I thought 21 was that for me. But I have to say 28 is... yes, I know, I am so young.. thank you :) But we all know I'm an old soul. Regardless, I definitely had my share of life and lessons this year.
Most everything was wonderful. But it also came with heartbreak. I said some of the hardest "see you laters" of my life. I've also welcomed in some of the most beautiful relationships I have experienced to date. The most genuine and natural friendships... some of which are very recent. I have also experienced that old truth, that friends can go a long time without speaking and pick up like no time has passed. That's my favorite.
Most of all, I've experienced commitment. Commitment to my life here, even when the homesick seemed to smother me. Commitment to transformation... to learning the lessons and living fully... to completing all of the relationships in which I've been inauthentic and finding peace within... I can 100% say that regardless of what is going on with others, I experience peace. This is the most recent addition to 28, and I am forever grateful (call me superstitious, but I damn sure did not want to keep repeating the messes in relationships I've created for the next 7 years.) I am fully open to welcoming ANY person from my past back into my life with ZERO negative feelings attached to that person. That is a first for me. Ever. Again, I am grateful.
So the obvious changes that came with 28... moving across country, a new career, many trips for work, moving again after I moved cross country (stayed in the same city, at least), new friends, new everything really.... And those things that remained the same... my commitment to my weekly letters to and from my father (Bear), commitment to healing, my love for my China Queen, relationship status (well, I went from being emotionally unavailable to available... even though I've technically been single for a while now), and in an odd way.. Me. I have changed, yet I am still me. I can't really explain that, I guess you would have to be around me to know what I mean. And my sheros have remained the same... my mama and my Grandma. Love them to pieces.
With that said, I'm going back to my night. I am happy to say my mom and Jon (dad #2) are visiting for the first time. So I spent my last day of 28 working, while texting them directions around public transit in SF, then walking the Lake with my mama (she LOVES Lake Merritt/Grand Lake area), ordering Ethiopian for us (she hated that!, but Jon and I had hers), and now watching movies. This is the life. Glad I'm around for it :) To think, I never expected to live past 18. Here I am, a decade later, happier and more at peace than I've ever been... Life is good. All the time.
Love to all, Light to all,
Me
Most everything was wonderful. But it also came with heartbreak. I said some of the hardest "see you laters" of my life. I've also welcomed in some of the most beautiful relationships I have experienced to date. The most genuine and natural friendships... some of which are very recent. I have also experienced that old truth, that friends can go a long time without speaking and pick up like no time has passed. That's my favorite.
Most of all, I've experienced commitment. Commitment to my life here, even when the homesick seemed to smother me. Commitment to transformation... to learning the lessons and living fully... to completing all of the relationships in which I've been inauthentic and finding peace within... I can 100% say that regardless of what is going on with others, I experience peace. This is the most recent addition to 28, and I am forever grateful (call me superstitious, but I damn sure did not want to keep repeating the messes in relationships I've created for the next 7 years.) I am fully open to welcoming ANY person from my past back into my life with ZERO negative feelings attached to that person. That is a first for me. Ever. Again, I am grateful.
So the obvious changes that came with 28... moving across country, a new career, many trips for work, moving again after I moved cross country (stayed in the same city, at least), new friends, new everything really.... And those things that remained the same... my commitment to my weekly letters to and from my father (Bear), commitment to healing, my love for my China Queen, relationship status (well, I went from being emotionally unavailable to available... even though I've technically been single for a while now), and in an odd way.. Me. I have changed, yet I am still me. I can't really explain that, I guess you would have to be around me to know what I mean. And my sheros have remained the same... my mama and my Grandma. Love them to pieces.
With that said, I'm going back to my night. I am happy to say my mom and Jon (dad #2) are visiting for the first time. So I spent my last day of 28 working, while texting them directions around public transit in SF, then walking the Lake with my mama (she LOVES Lake Merritt/Grand Lake area), ordering Ethiopian for us (she hated that!, but Jon and I had hers), and now watching movies. This is the life. Glad I'm around for it :) To think, I never expected to live past 18. Here I am, a decade later, happier and more at peace than I've ever been... Life is good. All the time.
Love to all, Light to all,
Me
Monday, May 6, 2013
Transformative Work.
When I discussed my intentions for the new year back in January, I mentioned I would be taking on some self-help type seminars. I had no idea what that intention would actually create for me. I was hesitant to write about this, because I am still not sure what is happening. Well, that's a lie. I am transforming. I am walking in integrity. I am living life fully and powerfully, as if all is today. No tomorrow, no past. Today.
Part of this involves completion of things in my past... which is where it gets gritty. Those who are familiar with 12th step programs would liken this to the amends process. I feel it to be a 4th dimension to that process. I actaully acknowledge every person, relationship, experience in which I have been ingenuine so I can live a genuine existence. This is producing miraculous break throughs for me. Don't get me wrong, there are people who I have not been able to reach. I can attach many stories to this (they are damaged, they are hurt, they are closed off to communication, etc.) But the reality just is. And rather than being completely devestated by this reality (they cannot be reached), I acknowledge what is. And that is all there is.
Like I said, I was hesitant to explain this phenomenom because it's difficult to "get" unless you've experienced it yourself. I basically went through 10-20 years of therapy in 72 hours. I will continue to go to weekly seminars and one more intensive session. This will take course over the summer. I am creating all sorts of new possibilities for myself. the first of which is to live geniunely and in integrity. To be able to connect to others in a deeper way that what I was able to do before. This means complete acknowledgment of where I have been ingenuine in order to clear a passage for the possibilities I have created for myself.
Example: My dad. I have always wanted a relationship with him. Yet I never could say that to him. Those simple words never came out of my mouth. I said it was because I was scared, or he would reject me, blah blah, story, story. When the truth is I was ingenuine in that relationship. I was not authentic. I wrote my dad a letter about my inauthenticities and called him to read it to him. He actually was happy and wanted to be connected to me too! Who knew? For years, I told myself the story of my dad... that he just wasn't able to connect to me, or wasn't interested, or liked my siblings more, or blah, blah, story, story, story. When in reality, I needed to be authentic in my communication with him! After this call (yesterday) he called me back just to check on me! I do not know if that has ever happened.
I am grateful.
I am sure more will unfold, but for now, I just am. I would go in to the unexpected experiences that I label disheartening, but I am creating the posssibility that those will transform as well. My true hope is that everyone can experience what I am experiencing at this moment... transformation. Living a life of possibility and a transformed existence. It is a beautiful place to live.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Part of this involves completion of things in my past... which is where it gets gritty. Those who are familiar with 12th step programs would liken this to the amends process. I feel it to be a 4th dimension to that process. I actaully acknowledge every person, relationship, experience in which I have been ingenuine so I can live a genuine existence. This is producing miraculous break throughs for me. Don't get me wrong, there are people who I have not been able to reach. I can attach many stories to this (they are damaged, they are hurt, they are closed off to communication, etc.) But the reality just is. And rather than being completely devestated by this reality (they cannot be reached), I acknowledge what is. And that is all there is.
Like I said, I was hesitant to explain this phenomenom because it's difficult to "get" unless you've experienced it yourself. I basically went through 10-20 years of therapy in 72 hours. I will continue to go to weekly seminars and one more intensive session. This will take course over the summer. I am creating all sorts of new possibilities for myself. the first of which is to live geniunely and in integrity. To be able to connect to others in a deeper way that what I was able to do before. This means complete acknowledgment of where I have been ingenuine in order to clear a passage for the possibilities I have created for myself.
Example: My dad. I have always wanted a relationship with him. Yet I never could say that to him. Those simple words never came out of my mouth. I said it was because I was scared, or he would reject me, blah blah, story, story. When the truth is I was ingenuine in that relationship. I was not authentic. I wrote my dad a letter about my inauthenticities and called him to read it to him. He actually was happy and wanted to be connected to me too! Who knew? For years, I told myself the story of my dad... that he just wasn't able to connect to me, or wasn't interested, or liked my siblings more, or blah, blah, story, story, story. When in reality, I needed to be authentic in my communication with him! After this call (yesterday) he called me back just to check on me! I do not know if that has ever happened.
I am grateful.
I am sure more will unfold, but for now, I just am. I would go in to the unexpected experiences that I label disheartening, but I am creating the posssibility that those will transform as well. My true hope is that everyone can experience what I am experiencing at this moment... transformation. Living a life of possibility and a transformed existence. It is a beautiful place to live.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
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