Lessons from the plague

Finding gratitude when feeling like crap is not the easiest feat. Actually, it's very difficult. What I am learning is I am still a horrible patient, and have yet to outgrow my sensitivity handicap when ill. Yes, I am naturally sensitive, but have grown leaps and bounds in this area of my life. Until I get sick. Then, I am one wildly hormonal woman. Especially if it involves me having to take some sort of steroids.
So this has been my month in a nutshell- I got a cold. Then bronchitis. Then my asthma became unhappy with me, and that led to breathing treatment after breathing treatment, yet I still couldn't fend off pneumonia. Next, the medicine they gave me caused an infection in my throat, which landed me in the hospital because I could not swallow my own saliva. They also believe I have strep. After becoming re-hydrated, given new kick ass antibiotics and steroids, and a million jolts of Reiki love from my Bear, I am finally (hopefully) on the upside of all of this.
It's taught me a lot about myself though. I hate being sick. I am not good at it. It's also taught me about others- some are complete insensitive jerks, while others are truly helpful beings who find themselves being helpful no matter what. I am grateful for both. This time ill has given me the ability to connect with new friends, to rest my body and give it a break from working out (as much as I hate that), to quit smoking!, and to find genuine happiness in my art. I needed that. No matter how the lesson comes, I am grateful for it. Every single time. So this one huge month of a lesson is this- treat my body well, appreciate kindness, shake off the rest, and when all else fails, go within and find peace doing something creative. Whether it's being creative in my work life or play life, it makes me feel more whole. That's good enough for me :)
Thank you, plague, for teaching me. You can leave now
Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Why I do not drink...

In a couple of weeks, it will be 7 years since I have last had a drink. Some may think it's easier to be a nondrinker the longer one is away from a drink. But most of us in the sober world know this isn't the case. At times, I feel like it's harder than ever. I got sober when I was barely legal- age 21. What many people do not know is I had been in and out of meetings, therapy, treatment centers, jails, churches, halfway houses, etc. since age 15. So by the time I got sober, I was sick of it all. However, I have to remind myself of all of that to this day. Why? Because I know what alcohol did to me. I know the roads it led me down... The drugs, suicide attempts, near death experiences, the person I became... I know the destruction it caused, to myself and those around me. Why am I thinking of this right now? Because it's important to me to remember who I am. At times, I feel I am the only person in my community that doesn't drink. I know this isn't true. I can go to a meeting, hang out with certain co-workers, attend a community event, and find sober people at all of those places. However, to be a 28 year old single lesbian in Oakland/SF, it is rare that I am sober. Very rare. I thought it would be easier after college. Undergrad was difficult, graduate school was harder (grad students can really knock them back!), adult life- even harder. So I have to remind myself at times.
Tonight, I was discussing New Year's with someone. We were talking about costs of a night out- free drinks, food, DJ's, etc. I asked "what if I don't drink?" Someone made the comment that I should. Or something like this. I had to quickly explain that I have been down that road, and it never ended up as something I should have done... unless we want to include jails, institutions, and near death in that list. It was a good reminder to myself though. Isn't that what it's about anyway? To thine own self be true... Regardless of what others are doing, and what looks like the fun thing to do, it all comes down to knowing myself, and knowing where I belong... sober, healthy, and happy. Living my life purposefully and being of maximum service to others. And that is just not possible without my sobriety. That is why I do not drink. I like who I am sober, I enjoy the relationships I have been able to build and sustain through sobriety. Most of all, the connection I feel with my Creator, a connection I was unable to attain under the influence of multiple substances. Through this connection, I am able to live a life that is truly beyond my wildest dreams. And that is why I do not drink...
Love to all, Light to all
DBear

When life gives you mud...

...Make a mud pie. Yes, my country girl just came out :)

Character Building. What step am I working? Where are my feet? 

These are the thoughts that stay with me whenever I am going through a difficult times. Then, my mom's favorite- "put your big girl panties on and deal with it." I need all of these right now. It's funny how life can be going along so grand and then something hits that just knocks you off your feet. For me, it's a medical issue, and the side effects of such issue. I've done enough griping about that for a few weeks. 

I have to remember I will not feel like this forever, it is simply temporary. I do not have to act on every impulse I have... to yell, to cry, to try to numb out with anything other than God... this is temporary. I am letting go, letting God, trusting that I am okay. I will be okay. Everything is okay. Even if I don't get better today, it is all okay. Right now, in this moment, I am at my dream job, receiving sweet texts from my love, breathing in the life force that is the Great Spirit, and I am okay. My feet are firmly planted, waiting for my mind to get there too. Until then, I will put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

Love to all, Light to all

DBear