The hometown goodbye

Today was possibly the most emotional day of this move so far. I knew it would be. I made a 12 or so hour stop in Tallahassee to sleep and rest for a bit, along with saying some goodbyes. I didn't realize it would be so sad. I am sure part of the reason it was so emotional is because I had about 2 hours of sleep in 2 days (I have since added 5 hours to that amount of sleep)... and the other part is just sadness over knowing it is time to leave this coast, but wishing some could come with me.
The hardest goodbye, other than my mother, was my soul sista. This was a much needed in-person goodbye, yet unexpected as it has been quite some time since we have seen each other, and she is not good at the goodbye thing. It was healing for me, but was followed by a lot of pain and harm to myself. One, my own emotions. Two, the harm coming from a third party who decided to verbally attack me an hour before I was set to leave town. Apparently, the soul sista and I needed permission to speak. Yes, I am being serious. It was so hurtful, and honestly shocking, way past left field. It does not deserve further mention or attention, but I will say I am confident I did the right thing for us both, and I am assured I am an "amazing woman" as the soul sista put it. Thank you for that. We are GAWW :)
I do not wish to blog about the rest of the goodbyes because they are all see you laters anyway, and I am already missing my mom and worried about her. I am blessed to be best friends with my mother. Truly. I did not see my biological father, and did not expect to. Nor did I see Bear, but we connect all the time, regardless of distance and space. I am blessed.
So my lesson from my 12 hours in my hometown is this. No matter how kind, loving, or honest my intention, there will always be those who find fault. Be true to myself anyway. Continue giving and loving, no matter what. Assumptions make people look like fools, and cause a lot of harm when followed up with assault. Carry the memories that make me truly happy, stay connected with those who I wouldn't want to live without, forget those who have hatred in their soul towards me. After all, life is about nurture and growth. If we can't do that, what are we doing?
I know for me, I am flying... one chapter in my life is closing, another is opening, part of that is in the goodbyes, but the focal point of this journey is in the Fly Butterfly Fly.

And the journey begins...

So here it is, time to leave... I never knew this would be my destiny, part of my journey anyhow. I have posted all over my typical social forum about this day, my move, etc., but have decided I will return to blogging once more... it is simply time. Besides, how often will one get this opportunity.. to take a cross country road trip, see all of the places I have dreamed of seeing, move to the city I fell in love with, the coast I have dreamed of living my life on, wow... it's almost too much to take in at times. But it really is all happening. Because I met a girl on a bus. You will have to refer to one of my blogs from the month of March to understand that. Long story short, I was visiting the city my of my heart, was on a bus on a day I was "supposed to be" hiking, struck up a conversation with a stranger (I do that... a lot) who allowed me to follow her to her workplace because it was right by the Native American AIDS Project... and I wanted to meet the people of this place. I wanted to see their work. From there, I go to the Native American Health Center... volunteer for a few days, meet the staff, go to beading in Oakland a couple of days later, meet the staff, and here I am... moving there for a job at the center. A job I never dreamed could or would be mine. In a place I never dreamed possible to call home. There is more to the story, but that is the not-so-short short version..
I will skip the grueling details of the logistics of moving. Or maybe save those for another day. Let me just say in one word... stress. I worked up until the day before my move (yesterday), went nearly crazy over everything being out of sorts, had to let go of a LOT, literally and figuratively, had some expectations turn in to resentments, which led to more letting go, and here I am finally on the road. Bonding with my dad. (Step dad, but I recently began calling him dad). And driving a "big rig" for the first time in my life. Not while I type.. promise. And big rig is a bit of an exaggeration. It's a 16 footer with my car in tow, but still. And yes, my China Queen fits perfectly in the middle.
So blogosphere, it's me, dad, and China. I will be blogging from the road, beginning my novel (finally), working on my photography, and enjoying the ride. What is there not to love?

Pondering you, pondering me

Do you think of me? I think of you too... when I hear a song, read a poem, come across a photo, remembering times gone by... times where we could just be... we were great, we were toxic, I choose the good.. the times that we could allow each other just to be.. no tug of war, just intimate connections between friends, no push, no pull, we could just be. Your secrets, my questions, my secrets, your wisdom, we could just be free... I wonder, do you think of me? Months have gone by, I'm finally starting to really fly, how I wish you could see, how I wish we could be, I wonder... do you think of me?

A letter to all daughters taking care of their mothers

Every day, there are countless adult children who care for their elderly parents. It takes a special person to do such, especially when their parents have Alzheimers, a disease that steals precious moments of mental clarity and leads the parent to become someone they never were. This mothers day, I witnessed this more than ever before as the progression of my grandmother's disease is rapidly taking her from us, more and more each day. I decided to write a letter to my mother, as if my grandmother was the author.

Dear daughter-
Today, I want to thank you. I want to acknowledge the gift you are in my life, as you have become a mother to me in recent years. I know this disease I have has caused me to be mean to you while I also depend on you for my every day needs. You work full time, feed me, clothe me, help me bathe and dress, care for me in every way possible, and have to handle the sadness that comes with me not being mentally here. I wish it were different. I wish I wasn't so difficult. Please know I do not intend to hurt you when I say mean things or express my dissatisfaction with the job you are doing. It is quite the opposite, you are doing the best job anyone could, you at here, and take care of me. I'm sure this is not what you envisioned for the later years of my life, and the retirement years of your life. I thank you and am eternally grateful. I do have the best daughter in the world and want you to know that this mothers day, and always. I love you.

Mom