Didn't someone used to live here?

I'm beginning to understand the book "The 36 Hour Day"... I need to actually read it. Grandma is still full of questions-

Does Belinda know I'm here? (Belinda is my mom, her daughter) 

Didn't Henry used to live here? (My dad, he lived here 19 years)

Is he still living? Well that's good but where is he? Tell that boy I need to see him..

Are you my great granddaughter? (No I'm her granddaughter)

Today was what day?

Then the other questions- the more miscellaneous-

What is in that glass? (Body spray)

Why is that cat so fat? (No clue)

Grandma still wonders where her room is... She wanders to my old bedroom frequently, as that is where she would stay when I was a child. I remind her we stayed there, her in my trundle bed, for many weeks and weekends over the course of my childhood. She would scratch my back, I'd rub her arm. Ah, sweet memories. 

I hold on to these.

Always.

The times where Grandma seems too slow for me to take, I remember the good, I remember the patience she had with me. The nights she keeps me awake, all night long, I treasure the nights she held me as a baby, all night long. The irritability that occurs during sundown, I remember the hell I put her through as a teen. Mostly, I hold on to the good. As she would want me too.

Love and Light

Me 

What day is today?

This is one of Grandma's favorite questions.

"It's Saturday, Grandma."

"So has Sunday come yet?"

"No ma'am, that's tomorrow," I reply.

Then she always asks, "so when is day stay?"

"That's Monday, Grandma"

And this is how it goes. Most every weekend. It's interesting to me that she never mentions church anymore. She does tell me how she was the minister in Monticello for 16 years (true story) and how she would like to go back and see them... I don't tell her they've all died or gone to nursing homes. 

Anyway, today is Saturday. A dreary day, but a day with Grandma nonetheless. I has my first experience bathing her this morning. She usually does this on her own, but that's because she has a walk in shower at my mom's house. Here, it's just a traditional tub and shower. She's scared she will fall. So I help. Get her the shower chair and hop in with her. She doesn't seem to mind. Still, I'm overwhelmed with compassion. Grandma was always a private woman, she didn't even like us to watch her brush her teeth. Now, we help her bathe. I guess as long as she doesn't mind, it's all okay. 

Now back to her talking to me and singing to me as I fold the laundry. 

Happy Saturday.

Love and Light

DBear

Are you my granddaughter?

Those four words... I wondered when I would hear them. They didn't make me cry as I anticipated they would... But did take me by surprise. See, my grandmother has Alzheimer's (as many of you know). She was diagnosed in late 2005 and it's been a slow process. Throughout all of it, we have remained very close. I'm her only granddaughter and we've always had a very special bond. When I moved to Tampa, she thought I was just on vacation. When I moved to California, she started thinking my photos in her bedroom were talking to her, likely because I skyped her almost weekly. Now that I'm back, she's happy but a bit confused. I'm sure it will get better and I'll likely journal along the way. For now, I will have her Thursdays-Sundays. Last night was her first night at my place. She asked at least 10 times if she had been here before. Little does she know this is the house I was raised in. She would come here to help my mom take care of us multiple times throughout my youth. She also asks if my brother lives here... He's in Portland. But all together, she enjoys the time. Holding my 15 year old cat, vaguely remembering her from the last time she held her. Tonight she will likely look for her room a few times and get lost looking for the bathroom, but it will be ok. Because I am her granddaughter and I'm here to show her the way. 

Love and Light

Me

Woosah

How long has it been? Too long. I recently found years worth of journals that have been partially filled in... I'm sensing a pattern ;) So... Life lately... I'm beginning to understand why moving is up there next to death on the list of top life stressors. Especially if one naturally struggles with anxiety. It has been a ride for sure. On first landing in my hometown, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and being "home"... Not to mention gratitude for all of this space!! Having lived in condos for the past few years, I'm super grateful to have a whole house with 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a living room, a den, a huge kitchen (as if I cook) and did I mention a yard? (As if I garden) However, I am not used to it being so quiet. I forgot what that was like. I've also struggled with all the free time that comes with unemployment. It wasn't this hard in SF because there was always so much to do. Here, not as much. When I do want to go explore something, it's either storming or freezing. So it's been hard. 

I do have to give myself credit for some things-- I've spent an enormous time with family and in service. I meditate each morning for a half hour and am attending a local gym. I have commitments in meetings and church. I landed a job (starts in 2 weeks). My house is unpacked, minus my art supplies and books. I've accomplished a lot in a few weeks and it feels like I've been here for months. Yet this hasn't come without it's share of panic attacks and depression. It is getting better. It always does. 

Many have asked how I feel about being back. I don't really know. It's just different. I haven't lived here in 3 1/2 years. I am not who I was when I lived here before. I do have people here that expect me to be the person I was the day I left town. Thank God I am not that person. Unfortunately, that person can easily be made to come out, especially if I'm on shaky ground... And there are people who wish to push those buttons and shake me up. There are people who misunderstand me or try to fit me in a box of someone I'm not. For the most part, that isn't the case. Most people are glad I'm home and happy for me. My grandma and mom are overjoyed. My genuine friends are hella excited to spend time together. I'm meeting new people as with any other move. I've even gone on a date. I'm simply blooming where I'm planted and being open to what happens next..

Woosah

Love and Light

Me