I don't know...

Somehow, life has a way of changing us without us even noticing it until the change has occurred. This has what has been happening to me.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am typically a planner. I like order. I like structure. Most importantly, I like to know exactly what is happening, when it is happening, and I must plan accordingly. Call it control, call it obsessive, call it what you like. It has been a staple in my life.
However, things have now changed. Without any control of my own (clearly), I have become this "I don't know" girl.
Example: "Carla, when are you going to California?" "Where will you live?" "What will you do with your condo?" "How long will you be there?" "Are you going to move permanently?" All of these questions, all I can say is I don't know.
Two weeks ago, there were a lot more "I don't knows" than this, but it has been the same clueless wandering through life for about a month. Very little planning or knowing, just going with it all. This part doesn't shock me the most. The part that shocks me the most is that I am generally calm when answering such questions. Maybe because I have to be. Maybe because I've changed. Maybe HP doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
My bet is on the latter.
So, readers, enter a more relaxed, laid back, go with the flow kind of Carla. Will I go back to my rigid ways one day? I don't know. And I accept that today. For this, I am grateful.

A Lesson in Genuine Humility

I have been tasked with an assignment that makes me more than a little uncomfortable- writing a letter of recommendation for myself. (This may not seem like a big deal to most, but apparently it's blogworthy. After nearly a month of bloglessness, this is saying something.)

Apparently, this task is assigned by many professors to those of us asking for reference letters. I am sure there is a lesson here in self-appraisal and confidence, but for me... it's just a big cluster of uneasiness.

I am realizing that somewhere along the line, I adopted this belief about saying nice things about myself... that is was wrong, conceited, grandiose, or would make me a braggart. Maybe it was because I was picked on for being in gifted classes as a child, maybe it's because I had low self esteem, maybe it's something I thought I heard in a sermon at church, or maybe it's a core belief?

Either way, I find myself struggling with a blank word document and questions of self-worth, self appraisal, what's acceptable to write without sounding like I think the world of myself, yet giving myself an honest review of jobs well done. Granted, nobody will know that I actually wrote the letter and sent it to the recommender for editing and a signature... but still... It's a lot of dis-ease. It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

Aha, there's my lesson. Just when I think I am reaching what I feel to be genuine humility- that is, not thinking less of myself or more of myself, just seeing myself as I truly am- I realize I am nowhere near reaching this point. Character building.