Mirror, Mirror.... NEDAwareness Week, Day 2

Today is day 2 of NEDA Week. For those who do not know what this refers to, it is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. This is such an important week because eating disorders are so stigmatized in our society. This week is not only for the suffering, recovery, family members, friends, or treatment communities, it is also for our kids and their kids... Kids growing up with more and more cruelty and hostility, more demands to be thin, prettier, fit in. There are far more avenues these days for self esteem to be further trampled. There's social networking sites, pages dedicated to bullying others and discussing imperfections in others' bodies. There are now You Tube videos titled "Do you think I'm pretty?" Basing body image on societal ideals is only one small part of an eating disorder, but it's seemingly out of control these days. So the more we talk about it, raise awareness, let girls (and boys) know that they are not alone, the closer we will be to eliminating eating disorders. My small part today is to share a poem... a poem about the struggle of seeing clearly... seeing the physical self in truth, and not what the brain may tell one s/he looks like.... I have written numerous poems on this topic, but only have one or two that I have been able to locate. Hopefully, I can post a little all week.

Mirror mirror on the wall

Why am I the ugliest of them all?

They say I'm pretty, I still don't see..

Mirror, mirror why do you lie to me?

It's been a while now, thought we were  becoming friends

Yet I'm sinking deeper and deeper, constantly checking you mirror, wishing this would end

They say I'm disappearing, getting way too thin

Yet I consult you mirror, you lie to me again. 

Again and again, we come face to face, it isn't getting any clearer, I'm full of self hate

Mirror mirror full of lies

I now come to you and cry

Can't you show me something different or has it been me the whole time? Was it you mirror, or my own self that really lied?

I must turn away now. I need to look within. 

I'm becoming stronger mirror, this dance can finally end. 

The checking, the disgust, the starving... to live within my own skin. 

It's no longer necessary, I'm finally my own friend.

Carla McClellan 2012 ©

What would you do....

This weekend, I was given the great honor of having brunch with one of my favorite mentors, Dr. Soldani, and her daughter, Zoe. Doc has recently achieved one of my life's goals- to write, and publish, a book. Not a text book, not something for the world of academia, but a piece of work based on a promise to a former student and her love of life. Although I should be studying for boards, working, and preparing abstracts for conferences, I cannot put this book down. I will not give all of it away, but one part struck me especially deep.
She is standing in front of a new class of students and asks what they would be doing if they won the lottery. (Granted, I was hoping I would win the $336 million powerball, so I was already contemplating this question) One student said "I wouldn't be here!" Doc, in her amazingly exciting passionate voice, says "Oh no! I don't wish that for you! I want you to be happy, now and always, like I am!"
So that had me thinking about the things I would do if money were no object, if I was truly following my passion. Some of these things I already do- travel when I have the chance (and money), learn everything I can learn about every topic I am interested in, contribute to the field of research in behavioral health, serve on task forces, give back to the community, write as often as possible, love as much as possible, etc. Yet I fall short on many of these tasks. I do not go to all the places I would like to go, because that wouldn't be feasible. I do not write as often as I would like because I find excuses- some are plausible, like I have an assignment to turn in; some are flat out crap- I don't feel enough inspiration. The truth is the inspiration is always there if I only sit still enough to let it fill me, let it flow.
So what then would I do if I won the lottery? How would my life change? For one, I would not let fear hold me back from my dreams. Yes, I would finish my education, but I would apply to schools and move to cities I know I cannot afford for my PhD. I would not hesitate to move to the places I feel would help me reach the goals I have in mind. I would take classes for fun- photography, art, writing, acting. I would still work, but part time, until I feel I have learned enough to make the biggest difference possible in others lives. People who do not feel loved, worthy, deserving of good things; people who have had to go through horrible experiences and do not have the support I have been given; people who feel like giving up. Whether I help them through art, poetry, music, counseling, speaking, whatever it may be- I would learn as much as I can, practice as much as I can, and do as much as I can to reach those people. And, of course, I would build my mom the biggest house she would like, which wouldn't be big at all knowing her, but it would have a giant kitchen :)

P.S. If you have not purchased "Marvin's Book" by M. Soldani-Lemon, do it! You will not be disappointed

Girl in turmoil...

Once upon a time, on a past blog, I had a segment called "6 minute poetry"... unedited, untamed, six minutes to write... this would go in that segment today... (except this one would be 3 minute poetry)

She calls weeping, lost, afraid, she’s gone back again, banging her head against the same wall, time after time… each time she returns, she loses a little more of herself. Her self worth, her esteem, she must escape, she screams. How can she let go? How will she walk away? She’s never been so close to another, it’s her safety net, she wants to stay. Yet staying is killing her. Killing everything she loves about herself, everything she knows. Her heart is so broken, she has lost her inner glow. I tell her she is worth so much more. She cannot stay and be free. She deserves so much more. When will she see? We are all on this journey together, some for a reason, some for a season. Take the lessons and learn, walk away, you must try. If you don’t give yourself this chance, you will never learn to fly…

A note of gratitude

How blessed am I... I didn't even know, until I went through a place of such despair that all I can see is my blessings through the pain. A couple of days ago, I lost my best friend, the feeling is like a death. In all reality, I lost her long ago, but the final stake to the heart occurred night before last. I stayed up until 4am crying, went to sleep, up again at 8am... During this time, I texted, I called, I wrote, and within just a few hours, I had friends surrounding me. Friends calling, sending funny pictures, cheering me up, asking me to hang out... I didn't even have to explain the situation, they were just here. They are here. All I said is grieving a loss, and they all surround me with this blanket of love. The pain is still so thick I can barely breathe. I will not discuss the details, but I will say this has been an ongoing thing... on again, off again, for years. Yet, this friend was a permanent fixture in my life.. a daily confidant. And she's gone. With no goodbye, no closure, just an abrupt disappearance. You can imagine the pain. Yet through the pain, I have been able to write, connect, soak up the love. I can barely focus on work and school, but I can appreciate the connections I have... the friends who are truly friends and who truly love me for me. Thank you. You know who you are. Love, Me.