Awakening...

After reading this blog, it seems jumbled, and all over the place... It was so hard to hit "publish post" but today, I choose transparency...

The last few days of my life have been mixed with so many emotions, and what else to do but write? Thursday night, I was able to go to Jacksonville and spend time with one of my favorite women (Polly). Then, I was blessed enough to come and spend this weekend on Hilton Head Island (in? on? okay, I will let that go), and this is absolutely one of my favorite places on earth. I didn't realize how much I needed this trip until I got here... that is usually how it is for me. I probably will have more realizations after I leave... as most everything in my life comes in hind sight. For now, I just have to write about what is... what is today...
Today, I am filled with gratitude. There are many things, but first I will express my gratitude for all the women in my life do for me. Hilton Head is an expensive island and when I got here, I had a couple open their house to me for me to stay... for free. Then, I had a woman (who does not even know me) give me her hotel room for my second night here... for free. Those are the surface gratitudes... which mean so much to me. I will get to the deeper stuff in a few...
Before I go on, let me say this: I am also sad. See, this week, I had to let go of someone... again. This person is like a staple in my life. My other half almost. I do believe friends can be soul mates, and family without the blood ties, and that is what this person has been in my life. Yet, there is toxicity. So I let go. I have done this multiple times over the last couple of years, and it never gets any easier. Yes, the same person. I apparently enjoy beating my head against a wall; or more accurately, suffocating myself and cutting my heart up in to little pieces- all at the same time. At least, that is what it feels like. This letting go process is definitely not for the weak. So here I am again, letting go, and had to do it kicking and screaming (and making an ass of myself as I exit stage right) One of the elders in my life said to me: "Carla, you are surrounded by so many that love you, and you can't even see them because you are so entangled in this mess." How true that is... It doesn't matter if it's a friend, family member, lover, whatever... I will allow myself to get so wrapped up in to one person that I can't even see all the other beautiful people and experiences in my life...
Which brings me to the gratitude of today. I have been able to connect on such a deeper level with friends, it blows me away. This whole weekend has been a reunion of sorts... two friends from Orlando are up, my whole Ladybug family is here, people who knew me through other people yet hadn't met me yet have come up and talked to me like we've been friends forever, etc...
The coolest part of this trip- I had a friend from Atlanta come up to Hilton Head and not tell me she was coming, even though she knew I was here. I was so touched that she thought about me enough to surprise me. She's one of those friends that we can talk like no time has passed at all. We have had this strange connection since we first met, like we've been forever friends and have no problem connecting at all. So this weekend, I have allowed myself to be fully present and connect. During this time, she has shared with me what has gone on in her journey the last year, the growth, the struggles, and it all came down to being fully present, being able to fully feel, everything, on a deeper level. I am not at that place where I can fully feel everything at such a level, but I am finally getting the presence. I am finally able to be involved in a conversation with a friend and not be thinking about someone else, or that I need to call or text someone back, or check on them, or whatever. I can direct my attention to whoever I am with at that moment, or whoever I am talking to at that moment.
I am not sure this will be me forever, but I am enjoying this. It is nice to finally see that once I let go of the unhealthy, so many truly healthy relationships appear in front of my eyes. They have been there all along of course, I am just healthy enough to see them today. I do hope that I can carry this healthiness in to the relationships I have had to let go of, but I know enough to know I do not know what tomorrow may hold. I just know today, I am grateful. I am still sad, I do not like having to go through headache and heartache to reach such points of growth. Yet that is how it seems to work in my life.