Human being vs human doing...

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I rarely meet a stranger. I'm extraordinarily extroverted, and tend to be a doer. I've been that way my entire life.

In elementary school, I had events lined up all week- from piano to choir to sporting events to girlscouts- my afternoon and evening schedule rarely had a free moment, unless there was some break or summer. 

My mom was the same way, she still is... She belongs to more social clubs that I can count, has always worked at least 60 hours a week, and even in retirement, has two paid jobs.

My dad? Complete opposite. He can't do crowds, doesn't really like to be around people, stays to himself, fishing, and his wife. 

But where is the line?

Yes, my mom and I are helpers, and that can be fabulous, but what about helping ourselves? 

I didn't start getting slowed down until I got sick last year, but now I'm finding I rather enjoy more me time, and less busy-ness. While I'm still a social butterfly, I crave the days of just lounging, or the hours of being by myself (or with a friend) outside. I must have those times. If I don't, my over-doing stresses me out, and then I'm no good to anyone. 

I don't know if age has made me this way, if it's permanent, or if I'll turn back into my mother when it comes to bejng an over-doer. I do know what works for one person doesn't work for everyone. 

What's working for me today- finding a balance. I've had to cut out some toxic people in my life, add healthier relationships, and re-vamp my schedule to include more time for me and less time for everything else. For today, this works. Does it mean I drop everything? No. I still have volunteer commitments. I still love to help. But I'm finding the line between over-doing it and taking the time for solitude, which helps myself.

May you find whatever works for you. 

Love and Light 

What a year

Every pressurized system needs a relief valve. There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension, before it becomes too much to bare. There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn't find a way out, it will make one. It will explode... It never ever lets up. It just builds and builds and builds.

- Meredith Grey

Yes, I get some amazing quotes from Shonda (writer of Grey's Anatomy and Scandal)... I also get some awesome songs from that show but that's a side note. 

I want to write for a moment about what this year has been like. Whether or not I will publish it, I'm unsure... This is the raw, unfiltered, vulnerable truth.

One year ago, I lost the "dream job" I expected to have through at least 2017. Politics, Government, budget, sequester, etc. It's ok because that got me back home for some pretty intense moments but it's still a huge life change. It took a couple of months, but I decided to move back to Tallahassee. 

I had a job lined up (half my original salary), it fell through.

I had a second masters degree lined up. It fell through. 

I was blessed enough to have a house for half rent while I began caring for Grandma, but that is still stressful.

The upside is I went to my favorite church in Tallahassee for Christmas Eve (moved back Dec 20) and joined the choir that night. I then started confirmation in January, and was confirmed in April. 

I took a job I thought I would love. It turned into hell. I took a second contract job. It is going ok, but the physical and emotional strain is wearing on me.

(Oh, I was diagnosed with a few lifetime disorders during this time as well) 

Then the deaths started happening. Three close friends. My mom's (only) brother. My paternal Grandmother. My maternal Grandfather. Two great-uncles. All in a matter of a few months. All unexpected but one. 

I won't even go in to the drama that's come out of a few of their deaths.

Then my best friend broke up with me over an assumption. Meaning she also took the kids from me (I considered them my neices and nephews).. The heartbreak of losing not only a BFF but kids too, that hurts so incredibly bad.

Oh, and physically, I'm still undergoing tests, procedures, medications that make me crazy, paying more than I can afford for COBRA, I've gained more weight than I truly know because of the medications and stress- nothing to do with my eating- and none of my clothes fit but I have no money to buy new or used clothes. A lot of that started before I moved home because one of the diagnoses happened there, and that came with steroids and birth control. I'll never recommend long term either to my worst enemy.

Oh, and Grandma forgot who I was recently.

Back to the weight thing- people assume that weight gain means someone has eaten too much or the wrong things. Screw that judgment. You have no idea. 

So yes, my pressurized valve is close to exploding. How do I deal? 

God

Photography

Music

Reiki

Prayers

Counselors (friends) 

If you're reading this, and struggling with any of the same things, ask for help. I'm doing that.

If you're on my close friends list and can see this, be gentle with me. Sit with me if I need it. Walk with me if I need it. Hug me if I need it. Or if you're a stranger, pray for me. God knows we weren't meant to walk it alone. 

The closest times I've felt like ending it all this year are when I've felt all alone. Even with the support system I've had around me, many people are often too busy to notice others struggling or to expend energy to be helpful. So always remember, be kinder than necessary. Walk around with eyes wide open. You never know, you may save a life.

Love and light

DBear

Where is my Grandma?

Close to nine years ago, I sat down with my most trusted friend, Melanie, and told her my biggest fears. At the top of the list, was my Grandma forgetting me. See, through all of the chaos of my childhood, adolescence, and young-adulthood, my Grandma was everything. She was my lighthouse to safety. She was my guide home. She was my preacher, reminding me of my roots to God, to the Methodist church, to our family, to Love. She reminded me I was her only granddaughter and she loved me completely and unconditionally. Anytime I was in trouble, she would come over and help out. Anytime mom needed help, there she was. Anytime dad had to go "away", here came Grandma. (Thank God she ministered at a small Methodist church in Monticello that allowed her the freedom of spending her weeks in Tallahassee when needed)... And when I had to go "away," she wrote me letters every Sunday after church. Sometimes sermons, sometimes Grandma-isms, sometimes just letting me know how things were going with her church members. Or with Jamie (she raised my second "brother" cousin, Jamie), and his latest girlfriend or job or whatnot. She was just there.

Today, she's there... Somewhere...

It's like grieving the living.

I was praying she was dehydrated or had a UTI or something. Anything.

But no.

This is the progression of the disease. She no longer knows she's my grandma.

She doesn't know my name.

And I don't know how to handle this. 

I know to love her. 

I know to appreciate the lucid moments and thank God I'm here when I am, but God this hurts. Someone asked me "well, didn't you expect this?" Yes. But that doesn't make the pain any less. I can't explain the pain. It's worse than any heartbreak I've ever felt. What do I do without my lighthouse? I know she's there somewhere, but this awful disease has taken her from us.

Are we incredibly blessed that she's still coherent and laughs ALL the time? Most definitely! She remembers most all her hymns and bible verses and for that, I'm grateful. She knows I matter to her. She still knows I'm somebody important in her life. So far, I'll say "I love you... A bushel and a peck" and she will say...

"And a hug around the neck..."

I'll take that and be glad for today. 

Thank God for these moments.