Miracles happen here... the growth I randomly discovered from a passage written long ago...

Tonight, I decided it was finally time to go through my computer and start piecing together the book I have wanted to write forever... I was amazed at some of the things I found... dark poems from times in my life where the emotional turmoil was so great, I could only write (I'm like Adele.. I write "hits" when heartbroken).. and other pieces I completely forgot about... The beauty in this is I can see the growth. I see where I was so down and depressed that no matter what happens today, I do not have to reach that emotional bottom.
The following was written December 23, 2010... (I haven't even gone through my paper journals dating back to 2005)-- yes, some of the post below is extremely personal, but if I am going to write this book, I have to practice my transparency more and more each day. I am grateful to have become the woman I describe in the last paragraph, the flameless candle that shines rather than burns, the candle that has found her freedom. Love and Light, Me.

"Some fight with their fists, others use words. Whether the words are cruel or manipulative, silence or screaming, these are the worst wounds to heal. The emotional wounds, much more difficult than the physical. All of my life, I have been exposed to various forms of abuse. Though the early parts of my abuse history were not of my choosing and were completely out of my control, I have attracted the same type of abusive characters into this drama that is my life. In these relationships, I would stay longer when I should have gone, I would egg on the fights, spitting out words sharper than razor blades, repeating the cycle as so many do. Before sobriety, I hit back. Then I would just hit. Or throw things. After getting sober, I decided this must change. What I did not realize is that I still carry within me the capacity to abuse, the worst possible type: the emotional. I carry within me the need to take hostages, the need to have possession, the need to show my victim that she is the most important person in the world and expect her to show me the same. I carry within my the jealousy of a scorned lover, and will make you feel like you are going crazy because I feel I am going crazy and nobody wants to get on that train alone. I carry within me the desperation of a child who was abandoned, neglected, beat down, rejected… a child that just wants to be loved, protected, acknowledged, appreciated, wanted.

I must stop fighting. I must stop this cycle.

Although I do carry these rather unpleasant parts of myself, I am realizing there are parts of me that can be of use. There is the selflessness, the thoughtfulness, the caretaker self. There is the part of me that can lift another’s soul and spirit. I carry within me a battered and broken, but enormous heart, with more room for love than heartache.  So where is the balance? All of these parts can be manipulated to my own selfish ends, so I must find the balance of shining without burning. A bright light that is safe to be near. Not a flame. Rather, a flameless candle. One that shines so bright with thoughtfulness and selflessness, not expecting the same in return and burning you if you do not meet said expectations. This is my prayer, that I become this person. Maybe then, my soul will finally get a glimpse of freedom, health, and become whole." 

© Carla McClellan, 2010

Suit up, Show up... show your face to save your a$$

This life thing surely has a way of throwing some major curve balls. I was completely blindsided this week by devastating news... it completely shook me to the core, mainly because I really did not expect it. At all. It's interesting because I had just come out of a week or two long depression, was feeling much better, and then bam! There it is. Life on life's terms...

Yes, I was laid off from my job (I have 30 days) Yes, I was completely shocked because I am a kick ass evaluator, program planner, data analyst, writer, organizer, you name it, I can do it... but funding cuts happen and that's just where we are. I had my dream job. I lost my dream job. There are many things I could say about this, but I will not because it is all not worth my emotions and energy. I do know it is a terrible feeling going to work wondering who will be next to get laid off. If congress would have gotten their s*it together, this would have never happened. But it is what it is.. and it's life.

So what has helped me? Everyone says I am so strong. I tell you, I don't feel strong. It took all I had to get out of bed today. It took everything in me to smile and carry on like my life hasn't been turned upside down. I reach out. I take the appropriate actions. Left foot, right foot, stay sober, help others, suit up, and show up. I still cannot eat much, just because my stomach always is the first to go when overwhelmed with such stress. However, because I was able to suit up and show up, the following miracles are happening-- I met some fabulous women at a meeting a couple of hours after I got laid off, and I also got a new sponsee. I showed up to a meeting today and three different people asked for my resume. I was also able to put in an application for another job. I have people who are willing to vouch for my work and recommend me for other jobs. Things are already getting better, and it's only been 4 days. 

I will not pretend there isn't an ebb and flow here. I freaking love the community I work for, I loved everything about my job, minus a few small details. I gave it my all. And again, I kicked ass at that job. But I have to know that if that is the door that closed, an amazing window is about to open. That is just how it works in life. Hell, I landed this job by meeting a stranger on a bus when I was on vacation and wasn't even looking for a job. That stranger led me to one agency (and my grama gayle) that led me to my current agency, and I was able to move to the best city in the U.S. and work 14 months at my dream job. 

So like I said, if that door is closing, I cannot wait to see what is about to open up for me! 

There it is. This is me. Suiting up and showing up. Living life on life's terms. I am a warrior but I do cry, a lot... I just do what I was taught in the very beginning. To keep on keeping on, and don't drink or drug, no matter what, suit up, show your face to save you ass.. Miracles happen here. 

Love and Light

DBear

"Things will be different tomorrow"

This is a saying I heard very early on and I'm grateful I've always held on to this.. Things are different today. I chose actions that have made this a great day! I suited up, showed my face to save my a... You get the idea :)

I had the privilege of attending a women's recovery conference and then spending time on Creations by Carla as my mom calls it (see? Started as a cardboard box)

And now I have someone who is my first customer. I will be creating something in honor of her mother. I absolutely LOVE creating art from various "stuff" so I'm in Heaven at the moment :) 

See, much different than the depression that engulfed me all week. So grateful for the "this too shall pass"

And thank you to all the friends and family who reached out to me last night

Love and Light

DBear 

Being human isn't being a failure

Right?

I haven't wanted to post in a while because I hate the vulnerability that comes with the difficult truths about myself. The difficult truths include my tendencies towards depression, my family history of mental illness, past suicide attempts, eating disorders, substance abuse, just to name a few.

It's ironic that I was just thinking about how far removed I was from these parts of myself. I thought that on my sober date in June. I consciously thought "wow, these things were a lifetime ago."

I'll be damned if three weeks later, life didn't smack me down to reality that some of these things may never fully go away, there will always be ebbs and flows. It's how I choose to handle these situations...

Do I want to seek professional help again? Do I want to ride it out and depend on my usual methods (although hiking and extreme exercise are off the table), how do I want to handle it? I would like to say I've done great... I've pushed through without fighting, I've maintained my serenity, zen, etc...

However, that just isn't the case this time around. I cry for no reason, I obsess over the things I cannot change, I isolate...

However, I am starting to get to the other side...

I've reached out to friends and family. I've allowed people to help me. I've talked to my doctor about what I think is causing the depression's return (meds for my knee, lack of activity), and I've also pursued something that my soul will not let go of... Something I am destined to do. Someone I am destined to be. And of course, I've done my art.

Most of all, I've been there for others that need help. This is helping the most. I wish I could say I haven't caused harm during this dark spot in my life. I have. Yet I can see the good, I can find the gratitude, I see the bright spot shining through. Grateful heart.

So what helps you when times are rough? I'd love to hear your thoughts... 

Love and light

DBear