Have you ever seen a fat mermaid?

I love my Spons for this quote tonight. Truth is, I am not as content as I pretend to be when it comes to my health, I've shrugged off my knee problem for years. I've had repeated surgeries and still seem to think it is okay to do ridiculous activities when it pain (rock climbing, hiking, softball, hockey)... I was asked if I googled what NOT to do when you have a recurring knee injury and then decided to do everything on the list. When I give my activities an honest appraisal, the answer is simple... I do not accept what is. This is not to say I cannot do these things when I am doing my PT at the same time or under the guidance of a doctor, but when I go out and play (insert sport) on a knee that is already hurting, that is just asking for more pain. 

I have options. I could get more cortisone injections. This is the longest I've gone without them in years. But I know the long term consequences. They weaken the immune system, break down whatever cartilage I have left (not much), and leave me at risk for many other health conditions. I could have my knee scoped again. But that comes with anesthesia and is also a temporary fix. I cannot and will not have a replacement. (One, they will not allow it until I am 35; two, I do not want one until the knees are much more advanced.) I could also try synvisc again. There aren't many studies about long term consequences because it is newer. I know it worked in Tampa, but only for a short term because I chose to rock climb in Colorado less than a month after my injections.

Other options (more sane options)-- physical therapy, Reiki, swim therapy, knee braces, basic care for my knee, self love... That includes sitting out a softball game if in pain. Even if it's a tournament my family is coming 3,000 miles to watch. 

So those are my options. And, well, low impact activities... The reason this bothers me so much? I'm a recovering anorexic and exercise addict. The last time I was in this bad shape where I could not do certain physical activities landed me in a tailspin of unhealthy living which included starving myself to the max. It got so bad I was lying to everyone close to me and size zeros were falling off but I thought I was huge. Yes, this was years ago, but my brain still goes there. Thankfully, I do not act on these thoughts (well, occasionally the exercise addict), but I still go there... Can I lose the weight I need to lose by doing low impact activities? Am I destined to a life of obesity and wheelchairs? (No dramatic flair there) You get the idea. 

So I was reminded tonight, have you seen any fat mermaids?! 

Nope. 

So with that, I introduce my mermaid self to you all :) Hopefully I will fall in love with swimming all over again and can feel the same feeling as if I were on the softball field or the ice. For today, I am just grateful for a pool at an amazing fitness center (Club One represent), and legs to kick. Hey, maybe one day, I can surf ;)

Love to all, light to all

DBear

Finding the silver lining...

Is such a must in my life. For those who follow me on facebook, you all know I've had my share of illnesses and "life stuff" this past month (I blame Mercury being in retrograde, but that's another story for another time)

I had an amazing Pride weekend, then busted my knee. I'm still partially on crutches... Was to be on them for a month, but I decided to play doctor and we all know how that goes...

However, this led me to being able to be of service in the rooms because I wasn't able to workout as much. It's also led me back to swimming. I've always loved swimming; I just prefer hockey, softball, and rock climbing. For someone who falls UP stairs, it's best I stick to swimming and yoga, things like this... The injury also allowed me to ask for help. Whether it be someone carrying my coffee, rides to and from places, helping with groceries, I've been able to ask for help and receive the help without apologizing. Also, one ride has turned in to this amazing friendship... A person I felt I've know my whole life (Love you, J.R.) and mutual healing from some common heartbreaks she and I have experienced. Talk about silver lining!

Then, this week was... Well... You all read about that (last blog post... See "what happens when you wake up with nothing?) Not to mention the thick fog of emotional tension that sits over Oakland all week; specifically, downtown (I live downtown/Lakeside) due to Trayvon, Oscar Grant, etc. Those who know me well, know I feel deeply. I am ultra-sensitive to high intense situations, matters of the heart, others' pain, etc. I had one of those nights last night where I just cried. It was all I could do. My newest friend pointed out that my ultra sensitivity is what drew her to me... To never lose this, because it makes others feel like they can always talk to me. Silver lining. I always perceived the "deep feeling" me as a negative. And here it is, helping others. 

Then today... I wake up weak, nauseous, barely able to shower. Yet I HAVE to organize my home office and get some things in order. (Tomorrow, I'm gone all day to support my softball team in San Rafael and then babysit in Orinda). Naturally, being ill is the last thing I need. However, it's opened the door for me to ask for help... Silver lining.

And with that, J.R. will be coming over, sharing her organizing skills, veggie soup, and spending some friend time. Much needed. 

Grateful, as always...

Love to all, light to all,

DBear 

What happens when you wake up with nothing?

You get a little nauseous, maybe a little teary-eyed, then get into action (after calling off of work for the morning)... at least that is what I had to do today.

I woke up to find my checking and savings accounts wiped out and I could not get into my banking system to see what was going on. I had a feeling, but did not know for sure. I went to my bank and found the issue-- Lapham Company (they own 80% of the Bay Area rentals, and are our new landlords)... How did this happen?

Let's go back to Monday..
I received a notice on my door saying they did not receive my rental check and I needed to bring them a certified check within 3 days. Being the OCD, must be on it now, type personality I am, I hopped in my car, and got them their certified check that night. This was after talking to them on the phone, making sure they still hadn't received my personal check. The accounts specialist made a note in my file that if they receive check 1010, they need to send it back to me-- DO NOT DEPOSIT.
Well... someone didn't get that memo.

So I woke up to realize that not only did they have my certified check, they also deposited my personal check, leaving me in the red. Substantially (those who know cost of living here, understand).
I drove to Lapham and demanded a check. This included me talking to several layers of people, who said there was no way they could get me a check for 2 weeks. I refused to leave. I explained to them that I have worked in this field before (truth), and I had a legal team on the phone (half-truth), and we know they could have a live check to me by the end of the day. Truth. I am almost surprised I was able to hold it together and stand my ground. (Thank God for my warrior necklace, good friends, and a meeting I came across at noon that was near one of the banks I needed to visit-- GOD Shot, anyone?)
I need to get to the lessons and the gratitude here because I am ready to be done with this whole ordeal. I'm happy to say I did receive my check, it is deposited in my bank account, however I am responsible for any fees this cost me, or at least that is what Lapham says.

The lessons I am learning are these:

Waking up without money in my checking or savings account is not the end of the world; I have so many intangibles, I cannot begin to list them all
Do not live above my means
Get everything in writing, a simple notation in a computer system does not mean you are covered.
Be willing to spend money on stop-payments if necessary; being too trusting is not the answer.
Always, always, always stand your ground... respectfully!

And for my gratitudes-

a loving support system, GOD shots, a live check at work today for travel reimbursements that I was able to use to fill up my car while all of this was going on, emergency credit cards, a beautiful roof over my head, launching my consulting business in the Bay Area (so I will no longer live above my means), facebook friends to provide support, a day that I had no meetings at work scheduled, an understanding boss, my warrior necklace and inner strength I didn't know I had, and finally, an amazing Credit Union that had my back!

And finally, if you had any part of today... a text, a call, a hug, or just following me on facebook, THANK YOU. I love you all.

DBear

What is wrong with America?

How do we pride ourselves in living in a first world country when we are a country filled with racism? A country of racists that don't even know they're racists. People are saying the Zimmerman case was not about race... It was about "Stand Your Ground" laws in Florida... But when a black woman in Florida is sent to prison for 20 years after firing a warning shot (nobody died) and claimed "stand your ground" but a non-black man is COMPLETELY OFF THE HOOK after chasing down a black TEENAGER and MURDERING him, that isn't about race?? Really??? (See image below) 

I know this is nothing new, bloggers all over the country are writing about this, people are tweeting, face booking, etc., but I needed an outlet tonight. 

On the same night I found out the verdict of this unjust case, I went to view a movie about Oscar Grant, "Fruitvale Station."  Please watch this if showing in your city; look for it later if it is not showing in your city. 

So who was Oscar Grant? He was a young black man who was killed at the Fruitvale Bart station (the one I use for work commute) for NO REASON. This movie is about his life and culminates in his death. I was shocked to even hear this sort of thing happens outside of the south. After all, I left Florida for many reasons; one of which is the irony of the image I shared above. I guess I am overwhelmed that this happens out here too. At least the officer in the case went to jail... But only for 11 months. Crazy. If it were a white male killed by a black cop, I can almost guarantee the result would be much different (again, see image above)

So what is the solution? Can someone please tell me? Protests aren't working, the justice system has failed... Sure, we've made strides... We have a black president. Yet we have a congress that fought against him with everything they had... and crazy right winged nut jobs that questioned his citizenship. Why? Would they question it if he was white? So no, electing President Obama twice does not make us a non-racist nation. It just means what once was the minority is now the majority. Unfortunately, this seems to come with even more racism. 

I'm going to smudge off and end the night in positive reflection because I am just sad. I am sad for our nation. I am sad for Trayvon's friends and family, Oscar's friends and family, every black male that cannot walk through a gated community... that cannot raise his voice in anger without being slammed to the ground and shot in the back.. and pray that there is REAL progress in my lifetime. A justice system that works FOR the people and not AGAINST us all. Isn't it LIFE, liberty, and justice for ALL? Give us life. Or at least justice for those who take life away. That is all. 

Love to all, light to all 

DBear 

Peace within the storm.... Finding contentment in the powerlessness

Powerlessness is depending on others for certain needs being met.. rides, food, medications, carrying things.

Powerlessness is being 3,000 miles from home while one of your dads has major surgery, your mom is playing nurse to said dad and caretaker to Grandma, and your forever soul sister is grieving because her dad is preparing to transition...

Powerlessness is not being able to talk to your forever soul sister for reasons beyond your control...

Powerlessness is not being able to tell your body what to do, or rather, have your body do what you ask of it (I really would just be happy to walk at this point, but would be elated to be back in the gym and on the field)

Powerlessness is living with a roommate that is a selfish being.

Contentment is being empowered by your own voice. 

Contentment is being able to ask and open to receiving... Having beautiful souls all around you to help you meet your needs. 

Contentment is being able to just be... Staying in bed all day with no worries of where I must go, what must be done, I can just be.

Contentment is a 5 year old girl's laughter lighting up the room as she gives me sweet gifts and hugs letting me know I am loved. 

Contentment is texts, phone calls, e-cards to my family back home. Contentment is being selfless enough to recognize when a message is for another and relaying that message to them... Allowing intuition to guide me over my emotion and intellect. 

Contentment is recognizing my limitations and knowing it is not forever. 

Contentment is finding gratitude and expressing such gratitude.

Contentment is knowing there is peace is the storm. It is be still and know...

Love and light

Me