TBT

I noticed all the kids have used this "TBT" acronym for a while... Truth Be Told (well, there is also Throwback Thursday)... anyway, since I'm trying to be more cool to our youth, I figured I'd use it too. Ha, not really, I just wanted to use it. But TBT... some days are just shit. For no other reason than that. (Excuse my language if you are one of our youth, elders, or one of my mom's church friends, but I'm just gonna be real for a minute here)

Life can be going along great and bam! Shit just got real. Health scares, medical tests, crazy BS at work, drama everywhere you look and you're just trying to keep the peace, keep your own head above water, help everyone else, be the listener/counselor/peace maker, all while battling your own demons.

Suddenly, I'm not sure if I belong here, if I want to stay, if I even want to continue walking the Red Road... this is totally unlike me. I LOVE MY LIFE. But TBT, it can be a rough ride at times. And not one of those fun rough rides, a ride from hell. It's funny, I just told someone on OKC that today wasn't all sunshine and roses and then I realized I actually had a lot of sunshine today... and even roses from a community member, both in the literal sense. But I also had this fear deep within about my medical stuff, this heartbreak that ceases to let up (over someone I cannot mention, as much as I would love to call her out), and homesickness from hell. Not to mention all the deadlines, the lack of cooperation needed from others to make these deadlines, and all the stress that brings. (Did I mention I'm a bit OCD when it comes to all things evaluation and reports?) Yeah, well, I am.

So there was my truth for the day.

Now of course, I can't end on this note, because I'm too damn positive to end it like that. Everything is ok. Everything is much better. Medically, I have no clue. More tests tomorrow. But I AM OKAY. I Survive. Always. I had the opportunity to reach out to a friend back home (Love you, MM), and she was in need as well. I had my homegroup (Tally homegroup) backing me all the way, and just that support right there made me feel somewhat okay. I had a message from my mom, reminding me how beautiful and important I am. How I have made her proud. (If you know me, my story, or my mom, you know how far we have really come in the last 10 years). Back then, we weren't even sure I would be here to make her proud.

See, it's all about perspective. And that is what I found tonight. Not to mention the elder who was able to teach me the lesson through my perceived heartbreak. I set myself up. Every single time.
But that's another post for another night.

Love to all, light to all
Me

Surviving Saturn Return

Wow, it's been forever. Life is in session. I'm working a lot, playing softball now, hiking on a regular basis, hockey on and off, dating a bit, and have added an additional blog to my life. It's more focused on one topic, lifestyle changes pertaining to health. The main difference is I'm writing anonymously. I will share it here when I am ready. About 5 people are aware I am the author (and that the blog even exists)
So that's all. Just wanted to check in.
I've been in a funky space lately... Contemplating relationships. Love. Soul mates. What if I missed out on mine? Do we have but One? Or many? There's only one I considered to be my complete soul mate, that I was completely comfortable with and trusted with my life, the intimacy was complete but it was more than a sexual attraction. It was real intimacy. A mutual in-to-me-see. I wonder if that will exist in my life again. If I can have that in a friend and lover and them be one and the same. If not, I'll be grateful for the one I missed. I would say the one that got away, but we never really had each other. Just the idea of each other. The soul connection. The past life where we were one forever, and it lasted...
All I know is I deserve love, I deserve happiness, and it's time for me to fully believe that. To forgive those who have killed my spirit. Or tried to...

It's my 28th year. And it's almost over. They say life is upside down in this year. They also say if the lessons aren't learned, they will be repeated over and over again through the next 7 years. My goal in the next 6 weeks is to learn the damn lesson.

And act like I've learned it.

Love to all. Light to all.
DBear