We all know moving sucks. There is no way around that. But for some reason, this move is more difficult than my cross country move (ok, I am being a bit dramatic, but hear me out)... maybe it is because I have a lot less time to move. No, that's not it. I did work up until the week before leaving Florida. Then again, I had tons of hands helping me pack, get rid of things, pack more, load, etc. etc. Here, I do not have as many hands. I have, well, me. (I do have one friend who helped me get things for the apartment and will hopefully be there Sunday and Monday- thanks, Celia) So that's one difference.
I think the main difference is I want everything to be perfect. I need to be settled. I didn't realize how much so until this week. (My moving history is minimal... I did have multiple moves between the ages of 16 and 21, but I didn't care back then, I was too messed up to care. And before that, I lived in the same house since birth.) The move to Tampa was rough, but I moved to my own place, a huge 2 BR condo, and stayed there for two years. Since arriving in Oakland, I have been living in a tiny room with hardly any space to walk around in, let alone breathe. In someone else's place, with half of my belongings in storage. I chose it this way because I wanted to get out here and learn the area before committing to a lease.
Little did I know what renting and moving would be like... it is extremely rushed. You go to an open house, pull out your cash, credit reports, bank statements, pay stubs, completed app, and hope you beat someone to the punch. That was the tough part. That happened last week? The week before? I've lost track. Then comes the walk through, waiting on keys, etc. All of that happened this week? Last week? I've lost track. All while working a lot, trying to space plan my new place, get everything "perfect" (that's my main problem), and breathe. I really need to be settled.. did I mention that?
About my place, because I do need some gratitude here- it is AMAZING. Perfect location, downtown and lakeside- walking distance to Chinatown, Jack London Square, Lake Merritt, everything- first Friday, farmer's market, you name it, it's there. And it's a beautiful place. Yet, there is absolutely nothing in it- no curtain rods, not even in the bathroom, the washer and dryer hook ups are in too small a space to adequately place a washer and dryer, and there's a no putting holes in the wall rule that we were not told about until after the least was signed. And we were not told we needed a ventless dryer until after lease was signed.
So how did this week go? Hired movers. Rented truck. Haven't packed yet. Did shop. Attempted to put together some furniture. Failed miserably. Found a ventless dryer. Drove "45 mins" (took 2.5 hours due to traffic) to get said dryer. Had to change out the cord (that's a mcguyver move I learned in tampa when you have a 3 prong and need a 4)... paid for a washer that is to be delivered tomorrow, and now the washer will not fit because the dryer door needs to be able to open (duh, right?) Oh, and about the washer- delivery guys were supposed to meet me there at 1 today. Called them at 1:15 after rushing home between meetings and waiting for them, they asked to come tonight. Had my roommate get off work to meet them at 4:30, they called and asked to come tomorrow. They damn sure better be there at 10am tomorrow and try to stack that washer on our dryer. Or I might just lose it. Oh, and I'm on day 5 of gluten free. Someone give me a freaking cookie. Please.
So there we have it friends, my movers will be here in less than 36 hours and what I do have in my room is not packed. And I am supposed to work an event tomorrow.
Sorry for the negative nancy update, but it can't all be rainbows and flowers all the time, right? Just think, next time this week, I will be living in luxury with Space! In my own place. That's enough for me.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Friday, August 24, 2012
More lessons from the bay area
This city is amazing, but there are always lessons to be learned.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
- Do not expect honesty, from anyone (I am sure this is a life lesson, not necessarily a metropolitan living lesson)
- I have learned to be a good liar- "no, sorry, I do not carry cash on me."
- Wear thick skin... just because a hooker cusses you out on International Blvd does not mean your day is ruined...
- The apartment rental industry is extremely cut-throat... I have learned to be one of "those people."
- It does not rain- that misty, foglike substance is exactly that- misty fog. At times, I miss a good rain.
- Stay away from ANY freeway between the hours of 3p and 7p- sometimes, up to 10p. I cannot wait to only take public transit.
- Do not expect California drivers to let you out in traffic, use a blinker, or do anything kind for that matter. IF they do, be grateful.
- When driving, pay attention to the bike lanes, the pedestrian crossings, AND stop signs, stop lights, etc. It is an extremely daunting task.
- If you are a cigarette smoker, prepare to be discriminated against. However, you can smoke your pot anywhere.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Wounded Woman...
Wrote this on my way to grad weekend... just took a while to post it..
Wounded woman,
I understand you’re broken,
you have been for quite some time....
Yet you will not break me in your own pain.
I empathize with you, have compassion for those wounds of yours.
But I will not lay down and die, I will not let you break me,
I will not allow your wounds to become mine.
Wounded woman,
I hear you’ve been hard-hearted, you’ve turned to stone.
The icy type.
Oh, honey, it’s so unnecessary, don’t you see?
People want to love you and be loved,
not be shut out by the stone you have built around you.
I will not be broken by your stone.
See, you’re just another brick in my wall.
You’ve added to who I am today, wounded woman.
You helped build me up, but will not tear me down.
You can hurt yourself all day… I will not succumb to the pain.
The pain you have inflicted with your words, your wounds, your inactions, your icy stone.
I choose to melt all of it away today, won’t you do the same…
Wounded woman, Turn those wounds around.
Don’t go around here inflicting the pain you feel.
Use it to heal.
Heal self, heal others, let go of your stone, wounded woman,
find your peace,
spread it,
live it.
Become whole…
I am.
Wounded woman,
I understand you’re broken,
you have been for quite some time....
Yet you will not break me in your own pain.
I empathize with you, have compassion for those wounds of yours.
But I will not lay down and die, I will not let you break me,
I will not allow your wounds to become mine.
Wounded woman,
I hear you’ve been hard-hearted, you’ve turned to stone.
The icy type.
Oh, honey, it’s so unnecessary, don’t you see?
People want to love you and be loved,
not be shut out by the stone you have built around you.
I will not be broken by your stone.
See, you’re just another brick in my wall.
You’ve added to who I am today, wounded woman.
You helped build me up, but will not tear me down.
You can hurt yourself all day… I will not succumb to the pain.
The pain you have inflicted with your words, your wounds, your inactions, your icy stone.
I choose to melt all of it away today, won’t you do the same…
Wounded woman, Turn those wounds around.
Don’t go around here inflicting the pain you feel.
Use it to heal.
Heal self, heal others, let go of your stone, wounded woman,
find your peace,
spread it,
live it.
Become whole…
I am.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Pain and Gratitude...
So I haven't really posted an "update on the East Bay life" lately... last night, I posted a poem I wrote in July, and tonight I am posting on a totally different topic. (For those wanting an update in general, everything is awesome! I live in the best place ever!)
Tonight, I wanted to write something different... something a lot of people don't talk about, and I felt it important to share my story... mainly, because I am currently elevating and icing my knee, but also because it may help others. I have had the privilege of sharing my experiences with another who is going through a similar situation... we handle ours completely differently, but I think it has helped her to hear my struggles and victories.
So here I go.... Chronic Pain is one of those invisible illnesses... you can't tell (unless I am limping), and it's not something a lot of people discuss. Sadly, many doctors have added to why people do not talk about it a lot- because the words "chronic pain" have a negative connotation... in Florida, it was seen as someone seeking drugs.
The reason I don't discuss mine in detail is because I feel that if I focus on it, it increases. However, if it is to help someone else, I will definitely discuss. Wounded healer concept... literally. I will also discuss it if speaking with a medical professional or a personal trainer.
One of my chronic pain spots is like the majority of those who suffer- lower back. However, that is not the pain that gives me the most trouble (anymore)- the pain that troubles me the most is my knees.
I will start with the latter. I was born with a condition where the grooves behind my knee caps are too shall, and I am hyperflexible at the same time. Meaning the dislocation of my knee was a regular occurrence for years. It got to the point that I could just pop it right back in to place. Still can. This also means hyperextension is a regular occurrence (still)- I have to remain very cognizant of how I stand and had to re-learn how to do basically everything when I was 14. For example, I have to remind myself to keep a slight bend in my knee when standing. Additionally, I have chipped and broken both knees. What this means- I now have 80-ish old knees, need a new right knee, and have a lack of cartilage in both, as well as arthritis. What this really means- I hurt every morning when I wake up. Most days, it hurts all day. Sometimes, down to the ankle, but mostly it is like knives in my knee caps and behind my knee. Then, there's a nerve type pain that would make a grown man cry. Now please, do not sit there with your jaw gaping, or rubbing your knee, imagining the pain. And for the love of God, do NOT feel sorry for me. Ever. I am just qualifying here.
Saying all of that, I get to this- how I deal. I still work out on a very regular basis, I hike when I get the chance, "jog" when the pain doesn't make me want to puke (that is my indicator to stop), do modified squats to strengthen the muscles, receive injections (these no longer work, so will be removed from the list), receive reiki from my bear (I feel this to be the most healing), use a tens unit, lidoderm patches, and non-narcotic medications. When I have surgeries (I have had 4 or 5), I take the narcotics for a few days, then go back to the regimen listed above. The most important thing I do for my pain- I stay grateful! I can walk. I can run. I can't hop, but who really cares? I have legs. Yes, some days, I can barely use them, and I have to do a hell of a lot to lower my pain level, but I remain grateful. I keep a good attitude and rarely let it get me down. Do I get pissed? Oh yes. Do I quit? Hell no. That is why I am writing this... so hopefully, anyone who struggles with this can know you do not have to quit. For those who are reading this, and truly cannot handle it, I am not saying I am better than you or judging you for how you have dealt with your issue-- I am simply sharing my experiences.
Now to the lower back, since the majority of people struggle with this. There are some mornings when I wake up and my legs will not move. I wait. I gently move them until the numbness goes away. I have had to learn how to get in and out of cars, how to work my abs without my legs going numb, how to roll on to my side to get up, etc. This was from a car accident, but I probably had lower back problems long before (I fell a lot as a kid, and played ball for years). How I deal with this- reiki with Bear, massage, tens unit, I have learned if I move my leg a certain way, I can get the feeling back (hard to explain) basically the same things. The most important thing I do for my pain- Stay grateful! I remember one New Year's Day, I could not walk the whole day. My legs were numb and I had to stay on the couch for about 12 hours. I cried all day. The next day, it was worse. I decided I was going to call friends, watch a comedy, be grateful, what do you know? The pain subsided. I simply have to modify my life and my attitude. It's the same with hiking- I have to plan a day to rest after when I know I am going on a long hike. Is it inconvenient? Yes. Is it the end of the world? No.
So wow, I didn't expect to write a book. I have been thinking about how I could use this to help others for some time though. Tonight, I am in a ridiculous amount of pain because I overdid myself at a workout class. I know better. I know that when the pain gets to the point of nausea, I stop (not if the general physical exertion of the workout is making me nauseous- there is a difference). Tonight, I didn't stop. So I am elevating, icing, and calling my Bear for Reiki first thing in the morning. And I am Grateful. Because I can do these things. I have considered going after my certification with the National Association of Sports Medicine with a specialty in injury and rehab. Yes, it will cost money, take time, and all of that.... but if someone with my history can work out and enjoy it, I can surely help others do the same. For now, I will continue to share with my friend and hope it helps her find a new attitude about her pain. Or at least some gratitude...
So that's my story on this topic. Looking forward to a road trip this weekend and some hiking on the way back.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Tonight, I wanted to write something different... something a lot of people don't talk about, and I felt it important to share my story... mainly, because I am currently elevating and icing my knee, but also because it may help others. I have had the privilege of sharing my experiences with another who is going through a similar situation... we handle ours completely differently, but I think it has helped her to hear my struggles and victories.
So here I go.... Chronic Pain is one of those invisible illnesses... you can't tell (unless I am limping), and it's not something a lot of people discuss. Sadly, many doctors have added to why people do not talk about it a lot- because the words "chronic pain" have a negative connotation... in Florida, it was seen as someone seeking drugs.
The reason I don't discuss mine in detail is because I feel that if I focus on it, it increases. However, if it is to help someone else, I will definitely discuss. Wounded healer concept... literally. I will also discuss it if speaking with a medical professional or a personal trainer.
One of my chronic pain spots is like the majority of those who suffer- lower back. However, that is not the pain that gives me the most trouble (anymore)- the pain that troubles me the most is my knees.
I will start with the latter. I was born with a condition where the grooves behind my knee caps are too shall, and I am hyperflexible at the same time. Meaning the dislocation of my knee was a regular occurrence for years. It got to the point that I could just pop it right back in to place. Still can. This also means hyperextension is a regular occurrence (still)- I have to remain very cognizant of how I stand and had to re-learn how to do basically everything when I was 14. For example, I have to remind myself to keep a slight bend in my knee when standing. Additionally, I have chipped and broken both knees. What this means- I now have 80-ish old knees, need a new right knee, and have a lack of cartilage in both, as well as arthritis. What this really means- I hurt every morning when I wake up. Most days, it hurts all day. Sometimes, down to the ankle, but mostly it is like knives in my knee caps and behind my knee. Then, there's a nerve type pain that would make a grown man cry. Now please, do not sit there with your jaw gaping, or rubbing your knee, imagining the pain. And for the love of God, do NOT feel sorry for me. Ever. I am just qualifying here.
Saying all of that, I get to this- how I deal. I still work out on a very regular basis, I hike when I get the chance, "jog" when the pain doesn't make me want to puke (that is my indicator to stop), do modified squats to strengthen the muscles, receive injections (these no longer work, so will be removed from the list), receive reiki from my bear (I feel this to be the most healing), use a tens unit, lidoderm patches, and non-narcotic medications. When I have surgeries (I have had 4 or 5), I take the narcotics for a few days, then go back to the regimen listed above. The most important thing I do for my pain- I stay grateful! I can walk. I can run. I can't hop, but who really cares? I have legs. Yes, some days, I can barely use them, and I have to do a hell of a lot to lower my pain level, but I remain grateful. I keep a good attitude and rarely let it get me down. Do I get pissed? Oh yes. Do I quit? Hell no. That is why I am writing this... so hopefully, anyone who struggles with this can know you do not have to quit. For those who are reading this, and truly cannot handle it, I am not saying I am better than you or judging you for how you have dealt with your issue-- I am simply sharing my experiences.
Now to the lower back, since the majority of people struggle with this. There are some mornings when I wake up and my legs will not move. I wait. I gently move them until the numbness goes away. I have had to learn how to get in and out of cars, how to work my abs without my legs going numb, how to roll on to my side to get up, etc. This was from a car accident, but I probably had lower back problems long before (I fell a lot as a kid, and played ball for years). How I deal with this- reiki with Bear, massage, tens unit, I have learned if I move my leg a certain way, I can get the feeling back (hard to explain) basically the same things. The most important thing I do for my pain- Stay grateful! I remember one New Year's Day, I could not walk the whole day. My legs were numb and I had to stay on the couch for about 12 hours. I cried all day. The next day, it was worse. I decided I was going to call friends, watch a comedy, be grateful, what do you know? The pain subsided. I simply have to modify my life and my attitude. It's the same with hiking- I have to plan a day to rest after when I know I am going on a long hike. Is it inconvenient? Yes. Is it the end of the world? No.
So wow, I didn't expect to write a book. I have been thinking about how I could use this to help others for some time though. Tonight, I am in a ridiculous amount of pain because I overdid myself at a workout class. I know better. I know that when the pain gets to the point of nausea, I stop (not if the general physical exertion of the workout is making me nauseous- there is a difference). Tonight, I didn't stop. So I am elevating, icing, and calling my Bear for Reiki first thing in the morning. And I am Grateful. Because I can do these things. I have considered going after my certification with the National Association of Sports Medicine with a specialty in injury and rehab. Yes, it will cost money, take time, and all of that.... but if someone with my history can work out and enjoy it, I can surely help others do the same. For now, I will continue to share with my friend and hope it helps her find a new attitude about her pain. Or at least some gratitude...
So that's my story on this topic. Looking forward to a road trip this weekend and some hiking on the way back.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Monday, August 13, 2012
My acknowledgements...
Took me a while to post this one...
I acknowledge that I have hurt you. I acknowledge that I have been hurt by you.
I acknowledge that I love you unconditionally. I acknowledge that by you, I was loved deeply.
I acknowledge the uncertainty, the sadness, the grief.
I acknowledge the questioning, wondering, the truth, the deceit.
I acknowledge you, acknowledge me...
I acknowledge the oneness, in the silence, it still remains,
I acknowledge my completeness, my independence, in the absence of our unity, the connectedness holds true, I acknowledge my ties to you. Bonds that I've wished away, they remain, I acknowledge these bonds, they do not equate chains.
I am free.
Complete, a whole being.
A gentle Spirit, wounded but grounded, harmed but loving, I acknowledge the duality that exists within, the duality you have left me with.. I acknowledge where you end and I begin...
All my relations
Aho
-DBear 7/12/12
I acknowledge that I have hurt you. I acknowledge that I have been hurt by you.
I acknowledge that I love you unconditionally. I acknowledge that by you, I was loved deeply.
I acknowledge the uncertainty, the sadness, the grief.
I acknowledge the questioning, wondering, the truth, the deceit.
I acknowledge you, acknowledge me...
I acknowledge the oneness, in the silence, it still remains,
I acknowledge my completeness, my independence, in the absence of our unity, the connectedness holds true, I acknowledge my ties to you. Bonds that I've wished away, they remain, I acknowledge these bonds, they do not equate chains.
I am free.
Complete, a whole being.
A gentle Spirit, wounded but grounded, harmed but loving, I acknowledge the duality that exists within, the duality you have left me with.. I acknowledge where you end and I begin...
All my relations
Aho
-DBear 7/12/12
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Dear mom,
Wow. What a weekend. I often wonder how I deserve such greatness. I mean it's not like I'm terribly special, I'm just me. Yet, I find myself being treated like a queen on a regular basis and it amazes me. Thank God I am not still paying for my past, or I would have nobody around to love me and appreciate me. For years, I only cared about surviving, doing what I had to do, regardless of others. Or what I thought was surviving. It was all self-centered, a life of self destruction, fulfilling the demons' demands. I am priveledged that I had the opportunity to start over, and nearly 7 years later, here I am. Finding myself constantly surrounded by such love, such presence, unconditional love. I have become a person that enjoys people, builds relationships, and these people love me back! These are the thoughts that have been going through my mind this weekend.
For those who do not know my whole story, it's a lot... to make it brief, who I am today is not who I ever imagined to be, nor did those who knew me then have any clue where I would be today. My family surely envisioned phone calls of overdoses or accidents, or that I would be in jail. All from chasing substances and highs to make me "better." Some years ago, I became part of an amazing fellowship where I connected with a HP to make me better, I connected with Love, I allowed myself to "get better." Because of many people loving me, and me somehow allowing this to happen, I am here today. This weekend, I graduated with a freaking masters degree. How does someone who comes from where I come from even do that? And the degree isn't even the biggest part... the love I felt from all those who have been with me along the way- that is the miracle.
The relationship I have with my mom is the biggest miracle. My mother is notorious for throwing amazing parties, and she is the one I harmed the most. She is the epitome of unconditional love. I tear up as I write this, because I can only hope I will be half the woman she is. A woman who gives so selflessly of herself, forgets and forgives the wrongs her children have bestowed upon her, and in turn, showers her love upon us. Wow.
Today, she is my best friend. Because of her, I was able to complete the education I sought. She was my cheering section through the late nights, hospital stays, multiple injuries, two and three jobs at a time while carrying a full load of classes, my editor, sounding board, my mom.
So yes, this was a whirl wind weekend, and I am still processing it all. I am grateful for the host of our party, the friends that showed up in person and watched online from afar, the advisers that believed in me when I wanted to give up, and mostly, my mom. This weekend was definitely worth the 6 planes it took to get to and from Florida so I could have my mom perfectly arrange my hood with cap and gown, take pictures, and I could proudly strut across that stage (armed with my warrior necklace) knowing I am not the person I once was. I am no longer the scared little girl, pushing everyone away, wanting to die. I am the woman who can hold my head high, believe in myself, appreciate the hard work and determination it takes to keep my commitments to myself, my family, my education, my passion. I am a woman that makes my mother proud.. More importantly, I am proud of myself. That is far greater than any degree, accolades, or monetary value. I am truly grateful.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
For those who do not know my whole story, it's a lot... to make it brief, who I am today is not who I ever imagined to be, nor did those who knew me then have any clue where I would be today. My family surely envisioned phone calls of overdoses or accidents, or that I would be in jail. All from chasing substances and highs to make me "better." Some years ago, I became part of an amazing fellowship where I connected with a HP to make me better, I connected with Love, I allowed myself to "get better." Because of many people loving me, and me somehow allowing this to happen, I am here today. This weekend, I graduated with a freaking masters degree. How does someone who comes from where I come from even do that? And the degree isn't even the biggest part... the love I felt from all those who have been with me along the way- that is the miracle.
The relationship I have with my mom is the biggest miracle. My mother is notorious for throwing amazing parties, and she is the one I harmed the most. She is the epitome of unconditional love. I tear up as I write this, because I can only hope I will be half the woman she is. A woman who gives so selflessly of herself, forgets and forgives the wrongs her children have bestowed upon her, and in turn, showers her love upon us. Wow.
Today, she is my best friend. Because of her, I was able to complete the education I sought. She was my cheering section through the late nights, hospital stays, multiple injuries, two and three jobs at a time while carrying a full load of classes, my editor, sounding board, my mom.
So yes, this was a whirl wind weekend, and I am still processing it all. I am grateful for the host of our party, the friends that showed up in person and watched online from afar, the advisers that believed in me when I wanted to give up, and mostly, my mom. This weekend was definitely worth the 6 planes it took to get to and from Florida so I could have my mom perfectly arrange my hood with cap and gown, take pictures, and I could proudly strut across that stage (armed with my warrior necklace) knowing I am not the person I once was. I am no longer the scared little girl, pushing everyone away, wanting to die. I am the woman who can hold my head high, believe in myself, appreciate the hard work and determination it takes to keep my commitments to myself, my family, my education, my passion. I am a woman that makes my mother proud.. More importantly, I am proud of myself. That is far greater than any degree, accolades, or monetary value. I am truly grateful.
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Thursday, August 2, 2012
An open letter to all who are open enough to read it...
Since this blog's inception, I think I have written one political post. Maybe two. This is surprising, as I am highly involved in politics, social justice, equality, basically anything that has to do with humankind. I am pro-people, including LGBT communities, marriages, adoptions, etc. However, I do not hate you if you do not agree.
What disturbs me is people donating money to hate groups, spreading lies about individuals that are not "normal" because they love differently. What disturbs me is when anti-gays do everything in their power to put a stop to gay marriage where it exists and ban it where it doesn't exist. And I hate to break it to you, but if you say you love the gays, yet vote against their equality, you my friend are anti-gay. You may not be hateful about it, but definitely discriminatory. On that note, when supporting businesses that give millions of dollars to hate-groups, you are also showing me you are anti-gay. Your actions are speaking louder than your words.
This brings me to Chick-Fil-A. No, CFA is not a hate group per se, but they give millions (through their foundation, WinShape) to groups that say horrible lies about the LGBT community. Groups that feel you can pray away the gay, or support ministers who say to beat away the gay or even rape it away (google them, I don't even want to discuss them as it makes me puke). These groups go further than expressing their beliefs, they discriminate against the LGBT community. They go even further when spouting lies like gays are molestors, immoral, sinners (speaking of, aren't we all sinners?), and a threat to mankind.
I was raised in the church. I understand the beliefs. I get it. I also know that Jesus would spend time with prostitutes, beggars, outcasts in general. If you are Christian, and quoting the Old Testament, then you can not really be considered Christian. Jesus wiped away the old law with the New Testament. I really don't care to get in to more a theological debate, I will win. (For the record, I am down with Jesus. Think he was a great guy.)
I am writing this more to ask one simple question- What personal harm is being done to anyone because of someone else's consentual relationships and preferences? What harm is caused by allowing equality? What harm is caused by allowing marriage, adoption, insurance and medical benefits to people that are in love? I can't think of anything.
What's harmful is continuing to discriminate and oppress individuals because they do not fit in to the Adam and Eve relationship. What's harmful is to spread lies about some of the kindest people I know, people that wouldn't hurt a fly. What's harmful is to deny millions of foster kids a chance at an awesome life with two loving parents. What's harmful is giving money to companies is do all of the above.
That is all.
DBear
What disturbs me is people donating money to hate groups, spreading lies about individuals that are not "normal" because they love differently. What disturbs me is when anti-gays do everything in their power to put a stop to gay marriage where it exists and ban it where it doesn't exist. And I hate to break it to you, but if you say you love the gays, yet vote against their equality, you my friend are anti-gay. You may not be hateful about it, but definitely discriminatory. On that note, when supporting businesses that give millions of dollars to hate-groups, you are also showing me you are anti-gay. Your actions are speaking louder than your words.
This brings me to Chick-Fil-A. No, CFA is not a hate group per se, but they give millions (through their foundation, WinShape) to groups that say horrible lies about the LGBT community. Groups that feel you can pray away the gay, or support ministers who say to beat away the gay or even rape it away (google them, I don't even want to discuss them as it makes me puke). These groups go further than expressing their beliefs, they discriminate against the LGBT community. They go even further when spouting lies like gays are molestors, immoral, sinners (speaking of, aren't we all sinners?), and a threat to mankind.
I was raised in the church. I understand the beliefs. I get it. I also know that Jesus would spend time with prostitutes, beggars, outcasts in general. If you are Christian, and quoting the Old Testament, then you can not really be considered Christian. Jesus wiped away the old law with the New Testament. I really don't care to get in to more a theological debate, I will win. (For the record, I am down with Jesus. Think he was a great guy.)
I am writing this more to ask one simple question- What personal harm is being done to anyone because of someone else's consentual relationships and preferences? What harm is caused by allowing equality? What harm is caused by allowing marriage, adoption, insurance and medical benefits to people that are in love? I can't think of anything.
What's harmful is continuing to discriminate and oppress individuals because they do not fit in to the Adam and Eve relationship. What's harmful is to spread lies about some of the kindest people I know, people that wouldn't hurt a fly. What's harmful is to deny millions of foster kids a chance at an awesome life with two loving parents. What's harmful is giving money to companies is do all of the above.
That is all.
DBear
Monday, July 30, 2012
Is it only Monday?
Well, It's still Monday here. Tuesday on the East Coast :)
Posting early this week, as it's going to be quite eventful. This weekend was eventful as well. Six Flags Vallejo was a lot cooler than I expected. It's like a mix between sea world and an amusement park, plus animals too- the tiger show was amazing. Never in my life have I seen a tiger swim under water... for food of course. I'm sure China would do that for her food ha. The roller coasters were crazy, but I only went on one... not sure why I always do this... think I can take dramamine and the roller coaster will be okay. Insanity. I really don't like them anymore. Happened sometime between 22 and 24- they make me sick. The dramamine keeps the vomit away, but not the feeling of dizziness and thinking I will die. Think I'll stick to rock climbing and zip lining for my thrills. Anything that doesn't require me going upside down or twirling around and I'm good.
The rest of the weekend was quite busy... laundry, babysitting the best 4 year old ever, Olympics viewings with great friends, great food, and a bit of down time. I really am blessed to be out here, and to have friends here.
I'm looking forward to this week, but things will be nonstop from now until.. well, at least September. I have my whirlwind trip to Tampa this weekend, then I will be actively seeking housing here to move first week of September. I haven't had much luck yet, but hoping that will change. People are pretty last minute out here. Like posting on craigslist for a room available... that weekend. I like to plan a bit more than that. However, I remember what I went through getting here, and if I can deal with the last minute a couple of months ago, I can deal with it now.
I am getting more excited about the trip this weekend, but there is part of me that is very sad. I wish I could combine Tampa and Tally in to one, and it's just not possible. I wish my old soul sista was going to be there, but it's highly doubtful. Nonetheless, I remain grateful. I am incredibly grateful for those who choose to show up, support me, be in my life, love me, hell- they're even throwing a party for me. Very cool :) I really couldn't ask for more.
So friends, enjoy your week. Send some positive vibes for my very short layovers (at LAX and Houston) so I can make it there in time. Not so stressed about making it back here in time, but definitely need to make it to TPA with no issues. And this will be the first time I attempt to fly carry-on only. I believe that will go down in history. I am definitely not the most simplistic when it comes to packing. I hope to prove myself wrong tomorrow night :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Posting early this week, as it's going to be quite eventful. This weekend was eventful as well. Six Flags Vallejo was a lot cooler than I expected. It's like a mix between sea world and an amusement park, plus animals too- the tiger show was amazing. Never in my life have I seen a tiger swim under water... for food of course. I'm sure China would do that for her food ha. The roller coasters were crazy, but I only went on one... not sure why I always do this... think I can take dramamine and the roller coaster will be okay. Insanity. I really don't like them anymore. Happened sometime between 22 and 24- they make me sick. The dramamine keeps the vomit away, but not the feeling of dizziness and thinking I will die. Think I'll stick to rock climbing and zip lining for my thrills. Anything that doesn't require me going upside down or twirling around and I'm good.
The rest of the weekend was quite busy... laundry, babysitting the best 4 year old ever, Olympics viewings with great friends, great food, and a bit of down time. I really am blessed to be out here, and to have friends here.
I'm looking forward to this week, but things will be nonstop from now until.. well, at least September. I have my whirlwind trip to Tampa this weekend, then I will be actively seeking housing here to move first week of September. I haven't had much luck yet, but hoping that will change. People are pretty last minute out here. Like posting on craigslist for a room available... that weekend. I like to plan a bit more than that. However, I remember what I went through getting here, and if I can deal with the last minute a couple of months ago, I can deal with it now.
I am getting more excited about the trip this weekend, but there is part of me that is very sad. I wish I could combine Tampa and Tally in to one, and it's just not possible. I wish my old soul sista was going to be there, but it's highly doubtful. Nonetheless, I remain grateful. I am incredibly grateful for those who choose to show up, support me, be in my life, love me, hell- they're even throwing a party for me. Very cool :) I really couldn't ask for more.
So friends, enjoy your week. Send some positive vibes for my very short layovers (at LAX and Houston) so I can make it there in time. Not so stressed about making it back here in time, but definitely need to make it to TPA with no issues. And this will be the first time I attempt to fly carry-on only. I believe that will go down in history. I am definitely not the most simplistic when it comes to packing. I hope to prove myself wrong tomorrow night :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Thursday, July 26, 2012
May there be Peace within...
What to add this week... Let's see, I have officially beat the crud going around work by drinking more emergenC and airborne than should be acceptable. Work is changing, we are losing my first work friend here and will miss her terribly, but she has an opportunity she cannot pass up. I relate. If I had said no to all of the opportunities that came my way these last couple of years, I'd still be stuck in my hometown (no offense to those that are, I'm a Tallahassee lassie always) So with my supervisor's exit, I am tasked with new responsibilities to which I respond, "Yes! bring it! :)"
Since I do not wish to turn in to that person that only has a work life, I've been keeping up with my workouts, my fellowship, and friends here. Last weekend, I experienced Santa Cruz for the first time. Incredible. I highly recommend it.... On eight hours of sleep. Or any sleep for that matter. Some things do not change, me without sleep is one of those things- I am an unpleasant monster. Lesson learned.
I also celebrated a milestone tonight. A 5 year mark I would have celebrated last month, but was writing a grant til 10 that evening. It worked out the way it was supposed to. I realized that I am always right where I need to be. Always. I've also recognized this peace within... A peace I hadn't recognized on a while. No gnawing fears or anxieties, just peace. Not elation, just peace. I love it. Not sure when it came, maybe once I was still enough to feel it... I am grateful.
I head to Florida next week for graduation. That will have to be another blog entry, I still haven't wrapped my brain around how I went from high school drop out to simply wanting to finish my AA degree to the BSW to here... MPH. Many honors have come my way academically, many experiences I never expected to encounter, but it isn't about all of that- its about how far Great Spirit can bring me when I allow myself to be guided. When I allow myself to be disciplined, and believe I deserve good things. That right there is far deeper than any piece of paper or letters behind my name. And finally realizing that... Well, that's a priceless gift from above, within, without, all around...
I am grateful.
So there's my thoughts for tonight. Scattered as they may be, I allow the soul to move me. This is where I find freedom. This is where I find I am free to be me.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
Since I do not wish to turn in to that person that only has a work life, I've been keeping up with my workouts, my fellowship, and friends here. Last weekend, I experienced Santa Cruz for the first time. Incredible. I highly recommend it.... On eight hours of sleep. Or any sleep for that matter. Some things do not change, me without sleep is one of those things- I am an unpleasant monster. Lesson learned.
I also celebrated a milestone tonight. A 5 year mark I would have celebrated last month, but was writing a grant til 10 that evening. It worked out the way it was supposed to. I realized that I am always right where I need to be. Always. I've also recognized this peace within... A peace I hadn't recognized on a while. No gnawing fears or anxieties, just peace. Not elation, just peace. I love it. Not sure when it came, maybe once I was still enough to feel it... I am grateful.
I head to Florida next week for graduation. That will have to be another blog entry, I still haven't wrapped my brain around how I went from high school drop out to simply wanting to finish my AA degree to the BSW to here... MPH. Many honors have come my way academically, many experiences I never expected to encounter, but it isn't about all of that- its about how far Great Spirit can bring me when I allow myself to be guided. When I allow myself to be disciplined, and believe I deserve good things. That right there is far deeper than any piece of paper or letters behind my name. And finally realizing that... Well, that's a priceless gift from above, within, without, all around...
I am grateful.
So there's my thoughts for tonight. Scattered as they may be, I allow the soul to move me. This is where I find freedom. This is where I find I am free to be me.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Take flight
Wow, has it already been a week since my last post? Life here is crazy busy, but I love it. Let's see... I am writing on my lunch "break" today because I do not know when I will have time later, if that gives you an idea of the schedule I am keeping.
I did go to see Joy Harjo last week, and that was beyond incredible. There are no words to describe the experience. I highly recommend her memoir, Crazy Brave. Even better, see her read excerpts of her work, play the flute, sing her songs, brilliant. She is the epitome of who I hope to be... one day. Speaking of, I will be getting a new flute eventually. I had a beautiful Native American flute years ago, but a dog I rescued chose to eat said flute. I understand, it does look like a giant bone/chew toy. Such is life. Seeing Joy also inspired me to finish reading the book I was reading (Closure and the Law of Relationship), and get back to writing. I allowed Spirit to guide me and wrote one of the most healing pieces of work I have written in a while... I may share eventually... that requires more vulnerability.
The following day was not as calm and centered as the feeling her performance left me with... I had to work, then prepare for a camping trip. I am shocked at the time and energy prepping for camping requires. I did get an awesome tent for only $36 (this is apparently unheard of), and went through rounds and rounds of "issues" with sleeping arrangements. For those of you who do not know about my physical issues, sleeping is a bit of a problem. The first night, I could only get the air mattress hald inflated and woke up in more pain than I have felt in years. However, this could not hold me down because hiking was in order. My first hiking experience with a 4 year old is noteworthy. It involved a lot of stops, creativity games, and finally her deciding to become a hill runner so we could up our timing on the steep inclines. 3 miles of East Bay hiking felt like 10 miles of Florida hiking. Similar to Colorado, but without the high altitude issues- my lungs thank me. The next night, sleeping was a problem again. My air mattress compressor went missing (I am still baffled by why one would steal from such a nice camp ground, oh humanity...), but we figured out a way to make it work. Given that we were only 20 mins from my friend's house, we cheated. That's right. Judge me if you wish. We went home to shower, have amazing organic Chinese food, and borrow couch cushions for my second night of sleeping. Success! Having to wake up the next morning to get to a 10K in San Francisco was not as much fun... zombie. But I did it. I drove home, grabbed my tens unit, and showed up to GG Park like a champ. The Walk was highly successful- I believe over 25,000 people there to walk for AIDS. Amazing. The fact that I didn't die after all of this- even more amazing. I did have to deal with the swollen knees, but such is life.
As much as I wanted to go home and sleep the night away, I had to get myself together for a date Sunday night. Yes, I am dating. For the first time in.... well, ever. I have always just been in relationships. Or out of them. Or getting over one. Or halfway in one. So this is a nice change. The date was nice. If anything, I have made a new friend, and that's cool. It's all new to me, so I am just going with the flow, and enjoying it all along the way.
So that my friends, is one very eventful weekend in the East Bay. The week has been equally eventful with work, and workouts at The Perfect Sidekick. I also talked to an old friend/ soul sista (whatever I should call her) yesterday and it was needed. Still finding closure in certain areas, but such is life. I am realizing that regardless of other people- where they are, and how they feel, what they do or don't do- my life is great. I am able to fly. If others want to be part of this, that is great; if not, I love them anyway. And that's all on that.
Back to work :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear
I did go to see Joy Harjo last week, and that was beyond incredible. There are no words to describe the experience. I highly recommend her memoir, Crazy Brave. Even better, see her read excerpts of her work, play the flute, sing her songs, brilliant. She is the epitome of who I hope to be... one day. Speaking of, I will be getting a new flute eventually. I had a beautiful Native American flute years ago, but a dog I rescued chose to eat said flute. I understand, it does look like a giant bone/chew toy. Such is life. Seeing Joy also inspired me to finish reading the book I was reading (Closure and the Law of Relationship), and get back to writing. I allowed Spirit to guide me and wrote one of the most healing pieces of work I have written in a while... I may share eventually... that requires more vulnerability.
The following day was not as calm and centered as the feeling her performance left me with... I had to work, then prepare for a camping trip. I am shocked at the time and energy prepping for camping requires. I did get an awesome tent for only $36 (this is apparently unheard of), and went through rounds and rounds of "issues" with sleeping arrangements. For those of you who do not know about my physical issues, sleeping is a bit of a problem. The first night, I could only get the air mattress hald inflated and woke up in more pain than I have felt in years. However, this could not hold me down because hiking was in order. My first hiking experience with a 4 year old is noteworthy. It involved a lot of stops, creativity games, and finally her deciding to become a hill runner so we could up our timing on the steep inclines. 3 miles of East Bay hiking felt like 10 miles of Florida hiking. Similar to Colorado, but without the high altitude issues- my lungs thank me. The next night, sleeping was a problem again. My air mattress compressor went missing (I am still baffled by why one would steal from such a nice camp ground, oh humanity...), but we figured out a way to make it work. Given that we were only 20 mins from my friend's house, we cheated. That's right. Judge me if you wish. We went home to shower, have amazing organic Chinese food, and borrow couch cushions for my second night of sleeping. Success! Having to wake up the next morning to get to a 10K in San Francisco was not as much fun... zombie. But I did it. I drove home, grabbed my tens unit, and showed up to GG Park like a champ. The Walk was highly successful- I believe over 25,000 people there to walk for AIDS. Amazing. The fact that I didn't die after all of this- even more amazing. I did have to deal with the swollen knees, but such is life.
As much as I wanted to go home and sleep the night away, I had to get myself together for a date Sunday night. Yes, I am dating. For the first time in.... well, ever. I have always just been in relationships. Or out of them. Or getting over one. Or halfway in one. So this is a nice change. The date was nice. If anything, I have made a new friend, and that's cool. It's all new to me, so I am just going with the flow, and enjoying it all along the way.
So that my friends, is one very eventful weekend in the East Bay. The week has been equally eventful with work, and workouts at The Perfect Sidekick. I also talked to an old friend/ soul sista (whatever I should call her) yesterday and it was needed. Still finding closure in certain areas, but such is life. I am realizing that regardless of other people- where they are, and how they feel, what they do or don't do- my life is great. I am able to fly. If others want to be part of this, that is great; if not, I love them anyway. And that's all on that.
Back to work :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Left foot, right foot, Fly
So for my weekly update... this has probably been one of the hardest here yet. Sunday afternoon brought a heart full of sadness, with news that an amazing life was taken in a motorcycle accident. I don't really feel like discussing it, but it's just been difficult seeing all of my ladies back home (Tampa home) struggling through Sandy's death and being so far away. And feeling my own sadness as well. This is the decision I made though... to move 3,000 miles away, and live life here. With that, comes death. Even the most tragic and unexpected. I cannot simply teleport myself back to Florida, no matter how much I wish I could. All I can do is make calls for friends, answer calls and texts, do my part to help wherever I can, from here... so that's what I've done. To the best of my ability. So that was Sunday, and Monday, I went to work, but my heart and mind were in Tampa... My boss let me take my flex day on Tuesday, and she didn't even know my struggles, she just knew I was working a lot lately and had a free schedule yesterday so I got to take it. Needed it more than I knew. I also joined The Perfect Sidekick on Monday, which is something I have wanted to do since I moved here... needed that more than I knew as well (feel free to google... it's pretty bad ass)
So here I am tonight, feeling like it's been 2 weeks since Sunday, and it's only Wednesday night. One of the cool things about the timing of my move here is my friend, Kylie, from Tallahassee was out here visiting when I arrived. She introduced me to her BFF, Cassie, and Cassie's daughter, Jasia. They have become my instant fam. Last night, I went and had dinner there. Friday, I will go camping up in Redwood area with them, and enjoying some nature walks Saturday morning. I also met another cool friend here, Celia, and we will hike Saturday afternoon then head up to San Leandro for a meeting (Bob Darrell will be in town, equally bad ass.) Sunday, is the 10K AIDS Walk in SF. There's definitely not a dull moment. For that, I am truly grateful. Oh, and I get to see Joy Harjo tomorrow night at St. Paul's Episcopal :)
I think the most valuable lesson about this last month is that just because I am across the country, this does not mean everything I was dealing with in Florida has vanished... wherever I go, there I am... so I am still working on some closure stuff with a past relationship, and that is okay. I can do that today. I can walk through painful experiences, and fly at the same time. I can enjoy this beautiful life I've been given, and realize it could be over in any minute. So it's up to me to make the best of it. If that means working through old wounds to heal and find more happiness, so be it. It is what it is, and it's all good.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
So here I am tonight, feeling like it's been 2 weeks since Sunday, and it's only Wednesday night. One of the cool things about the timing of my move here is my friend, Kylie, from Tallahassee was out here visiting when I arrived. She introduced me to her BFF, Cassie, and Cassie's daughter, Jasia. They have become my instant fam. Last night, I went and had dinner there. Friday, I will go camping up in Redwood area with them, and enjoying some nature walks Saturday morning. I also met another cool friend here, Celia, and we will hike Saturday afternoon then head up to San Leandro for a meeting (Bob Darrell will be in town, equally bad ass.) Sunday, is the 10K AIDS Walk in SF. There's definitely not a dull moment. For that, I am truly grateful. Oh, and I get to see Joy Harjo tomorrow night at St. Paul's Episcopal :)
I think the most valuable lesson about this last month is that just because I am across the country, this does not mean everything I was dealing with in Florida has vanished... wherever I go, there I am... so I am still working on some closure stuff with a past relationship, and that is okay. I can do that today. I can walk through painful experiences, and fly at the same time. I can enjoy this beautiful life I've been given, and realize it could be over in any minute. So it's up to me to make the best of it. If that means working through old wounds to heal and find more happiness, so be it. It is what it is, and it's all good.
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Rockin the East Bay
When I first started this blog, I thought I would blog daily. Hilarious. Especially considering I was in grad school and working 2 and 3 jobs at the time. Oddly enough, I feel busier now working one "real world" job with no school (well, I do have a few requirements left for graduation, but that's nothing compared to 3 and 4 classes at a time) At this point, I am simply aiming to update once a week. Especially about experience of this move. It will be cool to look back on these experiences one day. It's already fun to read past blogs, and introspective. My journals, on the other hand, should not be re-read. Ever :p
So what's up with life here? It's in session, for sure. I feel like I have been here much longer than it's been (just now a month? Wow) My first week was just one giant fog. I definitely could have used a week to rest, but I hit the ground running... getting involved with the fellowships here, signing up for commitment meetings, speaking, hit two conferences (one was more of a day-long workshop deal), checking out the sites of the East Bay, going in to the city for work at least once a week (not this week though, thank goodness!), Pride weekend, last weekend in the city for a conference, and work. Lots and lots of work. I love it! But wow. No wonder I'm tired!
I do love that I have quiet time in Oakland, but can still go in to the city when I want. And there are countless trails and hiking spots within a short drive from my house. I also just realized Santa Cruz is only an hour and a half away... I've wanted to go there for some time. Yosemite is only a couple of hours away. But I will wait until I have more than a weekend to go there. Then there are all the areas of Oakland to explore, I really like it. I thought I would prefer living in the city, but this seems to be a nice fit. Sunshine, but cool weather at night, not too much fog, but I get to see the fog over the city, a lot of hiking spots, tons of farmer markets, yoga at Lake Merritt, Piedmont, Temescal, Jack London Square, so much to explore. Oh, and free yoga at Intertribal Friendship House on Tuesday night, that will be my new Tuesday staple. And Berkeley is about 5 minutes from me as well, so that is nice to visit (at times lol) Emeryville is eh, so-so. Looks like a mini pleasantville with all the Pixar execs in their ridiculously priced houses. My street looks run down until you drive 0.5 miles and get to Emeryville. I still don't understand how the wealth is so disproportionate here. Same when you cross over to Berkeley. But that's for another time.
All in all, I'm enjoying it here. I am just tired. Energy is low. So I will sleep very well tonight, and be back on my game tomorrow :)
Oh, I should mention my 4th of July, because it was pretty awesome. I have joined these MeetUp groups... various social club type groups (not hoity toity type, that's just all I can think to compare it to), but they have them for hiking, rock climbing, LGBT events, photography, etc... So I joined the East Bay hikers the morning of July 4th at Lafayette Reservoir. Beautiful. Then, I hung with Cassie and Jasia for the rest of the day. They are in a REALLY nice area called Moraga (I'm wondering if that is what the Oakland Hills are or if it's just Moraga) but it reminds me of a little mountain town. A little too wealthy for me to feel like I'd ever live there, or be comfortable there, but it's nice. They have a great neighborhood, so it was cool to see all of the families get together for BBQ and fireworks. I love that I met Cassie and Jasia, it's like an instafamily right when I moved here :) And yes, my biological clock has been screaming at me. (I will talk more about that later, but Cass is part of Single Moms by Choice group... I am considering checking it out...5 year plan) For now, I just enjoy learning about it and thinking about my future. I am without a doubt where I belong, and that is good by me.
That's about all I've got for tonight. Nice respite from the grant I'm writing. Those who know me well can tell that this post is definitely low energy, but it's better than none :)
Love to all, Light to all,
DBear
So what's up with life here? It's in session, for sure. I feel like I have been here much longer than it's been (just now a month? Wow) My first week was just one giant fog. I definitely could have used a week to rest, but I hit the ground running... getting involved with the fellowships here, signing up for commitment meetings, speaking, hit two conferences (one was more of a day-long workshop deal), checking out the sites of the East Bay, going in to the city for work at least once a week (not this week though, thank goodness!), Pride weekend, last weekend in the city for a conference, and work. Lots and lots of work. I love it! But wow. No wonder I'm tired!
I do love that I have quiet time in Oakland, but can still go in to the city when I want. And there are countless trails and hiking spots within a short drive from my house. I also just realized Santa Cruz is only an hour and a half away... I've wanted to go there for some time. Yosemite is only a couple of hours away. But I will wait until I have more than a weekend to go there. Then there are all the areas of Oakland to explore, I really like it. I thought I would prefer living in the city, but this seems to be a nice fit. Sunshine, but cool weather at night, not too much fog, but I get to see the fog over the city, a lot of hiking spots, tons of farmer markets, yoga at Lake Merritt, Piedmont, Temescal, Jack London Square, so much to explore. Oh, and free yoga at Intertribal Friendship House on Tuesday night, that will be my new Tuesday staple. And Berkeley is about 5 minutes from me as well, so that is nice to visit (at times lol) Emeryville is eh, so-so. Looks like a mini pleasantville with all the Pixar execs in their ridiculously priced houses. My street looks run down until you drive 0.5 miles and get to Emeryville. I still don't understand how the wealth is so disproportionate here. Same when you cross over to Berkeley. But that's for another time.
All in all, I'm enjoying it here. I am just tired. Energy is low. So I will sleep very well tonight, and be back on my game tomorrow :)
Oh, I should mention my 4th of July, because it was pretty awesome. I have joined these MeetUp groups... various social club type groups (not hoity toity type, that's just all I can think to compare it to), but they have them for hiking, rock climbing, LGBT events, photography, etc... So I joined the East Bay hikers the morning of July 4th at Lafayette Reservoir. Beautiful. Then, I hung with Cassie and Jasia for the rest of the day. They are in a REALLY nice area called Moraga (I'm wondering if that is what the Oakland Hills are or if it's just Moraga) but it reminds me of a little mountain town. A little too wealthy for me to feel like I'd ever live there, or be comfortable there, but it's nice. They have a great neighborhood, so it was cool to see all of the families get together for BBQ and fireworks. I love that I met Cassie and Jasia, it's like an instafamily right when I moved here :) And yes, my biological clock has been screaming at me. (I will talk more about that later, but Cass is part of Single Moms by Choice group... I am considering checking it out...5 year plan) For now, I just enjoy learning about it and thinking about my future. I am without a doubt where I belong, and that is good by me.
That's about all I've got for tonight. Nice respite from the grant I'm writing. Those who know me well can tell that this post is definitely low energy, but it's better than none :)
Love to all, Light to all,
DBear
Saturday, June 30, 2012
My work, My life...
Typically, my blogs are about life in general, lessons, growth, travels, Bear, etc... I do not write a lot about work, but I am so overjoyed and filled with gratitude and that must be shared. Also, anytime I tell anyone what I 'do', they give me this deer in the headlights look. That happened in Tampa as well. In their defense, it was difficult to explain what I did in Tampa because I had so many positions (GAships typically require a lot of tasks, and my last non-GA position was building a repository for ACS linking survivorship services in Florida with the National Survivorship Center... basically, taking an inventory of services and creating a database... ok, I will stop trying to explain that one, I lose most people at repository)
Back to the here and now... The best part about my work is how it all came to fruition for me to be where I am. I have thought about this a lot.. while it was unfolding, while I was moving, after I started and learned more about the processes that took place to even create the position I hold, etc. etc. That would be a whole chapter for another time, but it is mind-blowing, heart-exploding, surreal...
So what do I 'do'? I work for the coolest agency one can be part of (well, if you value what I value and the organization values... you get the idea). VALUE. That is a good word. The agency is so valuable to our community (Native Americans in the SF and East Bay communities) At this point, I would need to go in to detail about urban indian population and how that came about... i would suggest googling relocation, BIA, terms like that... Because that is a whole other page and I want to get to the point here. Ha, me being succinct? I am still working on that (BTW, I thank goodness for the Truman process I went though at FSU to learn how to do that... even if I choose to scratch the succinctness on my blog. It's my blog, after all)
In a nutshell, we have a large urban Indian population, over 200 tribes represented in the SF area, all in need of many services including community wellness (that is my department.. we also have youth, medical, dental, etc) The areas in community wellness include clinicians (mental health), HIV testing and referrals, various projects and programs aimed at increasing HIV testing, education, prevention, substance abuse, etc. All of my loves. (Disclaimer- I am not representing my workplace in this blog, I am representing myself, just giving a background on the awesomeness of what I do on a daily basis)
So we get to me. I am under the evaluation team, newly constructed (which I also love because I have a supervisor who VALUES my input on structure and organization). We each have grants that we are assigned to as evaluators, and what that means is I am putting my undiagnosed (yet assumed by most) OCD to work. And loving it! Anyone who knows me knows that I crave structure, clarity, smooth processes, figuring things out, asking questions, running stats, playing with data, seeing results, and most importantly making a difference, affecting change, doing my part to help out where I can. I get to do this! And make a living doing it!
The icing on the cake is what happened my first week here, and is ongoing as of today. Everyone knows I love to write. Thanks to Dr. B and other professors (mainly Dr. B!), I was given to experience of grant writing, learning the process, flow, structure. So not only am I evaluator, I have the privilege of honing my grant writing skills. Day 3 of my new position (Monday will mark 3 weeks) came with a request from my unofficial supervisor (I consider her a mentor... thank you, Esther) to locate info on a smaller grant from a new funder and begin the process for this grant. Automatically, I started questioning myself, my ability, blah. That lasted for two seconds, as I then went in to "go" mode. I knew it wouldn't be asked of me if she didn't think I could do it.
Long story short, we worked on finishing that grant until 10ish last night, and turned it in today! Shortly after turning it over, I received an email from the director (my "big supervisor"- she's a thin woman, big as in head woman in charge of our department) She's allowing me to take the lead on a much larger grant! Much larger! Due July 16! Adrenaline rush like whoa, but a calm one at the same time... I am still overwhelmed with such gratitude that all of my emotions are flowing together.
So here I am, combining my skills, in an agency that shares the same values I do, and puts the community first! I do not know which I am more excited about, but I do know it has always been a dream to be able to combine my talents- writing, organizing, running numbers, leadership, community, all of it! I never thought I could find a job that would give me the opportunity to do data and writing. I didn't even have to seek this one out, it just came to me via a woman I consider my clan mom here. (I'll have to email her this, thank you Gayle)
That, in a nut shell is what I do, and why I cannot stop getting so excited about working. There are moments when I feel guilty because I haven't even walked with my masters degree yet, and this job literally fell out of the California sky in to my lap... I really need to write a whole blog about that series of events, but that could date back years. I do think of my cohort often and pray everyone is finding rewarding jobs (spiritually and emotionally rewarding) like I have. I have finally moved from the waiting for the other shoe to drop to there is no other shoe (Jess gave me that).
And now I need to go get that grant! Whoo hoo!! If you do read my blogs, please send positive energies, prayers, whatever you do in your spiritual life, up for our department and agency. We surely could use these grants to keep serving our amazing community members! Wado! (Thank you)
Love to all, Light to all
Dbear
Back to the here and now... The best part about my work is how it all came to fruition for me to be where I am. I have thought about this a lot.. while it was unfolding, while I was moving, after I started and learned more about the processes that took place to even create the position I hold, etc. etc. That would be a whole chapter for another time, but it is mind-blowing, heart-exploding, surreal...
So what do I 'do'? I work for the coolest agency one can be part of (well, if you value what I value and the organization values... you get the idea). VALUE. That is a good word. The agency is so valuable to our community (Native Americans in the SF and East Bay communities) At this point, I would need to go in to detail about urban indian population and how that came about... i would suggest googling relocation, BIA, terms like that... Because that is a whole other page and I want to get to the point here. Ha, me being succinct? I am still working on that (BTW, I thank goodness for the Truman process I went though at FSU to learn how to do that... even if I choose to scratch the succinctness on my blog. It's my blog, after all)
In a nutshell, we have a large urban Indian population, over 200 tribes represented in the SF area, all in need of many services including community wellness (that is my department.. we also have youth, medical, dental, etc) The areas in community wellness include clinicians (mental health), HIV testing and referrals, various projects and programs aimed at increasing HIV testing, education, prevention, substance abuse, etc. All of my loves. (Disclaimer- I am not representing my workplace in this blog, I am representing myself, just giving a background on the awesomeness of what I do on a daily basis)
So we get to me. I am under the evaluation team, newly constructed (which I also love because I have a supervisor who VALUES my input on structure and organization). We each have grants that we are assigned to as evaluators, and what that means is I am putting my undiagnosed (yet assumed by most) OCD to work. And loving it! Anyone who knows me knows that I crave structure, clarity, smooth processes, figuring things out, asking questions, running stats, playing with data, seeing results, and most importantly making a difference, affecting change, doing my part to help out where I can. I get to do this! And make a living doing it!
The icing on the cake is what happened my first week here, and is ongoing as of today. Everyone knows I love to write. Thanks to Dr. B and other professors (mainly Dr. B!), I was given to experience of grant writing, learning the process, flow, structure. So not only am I evaluator, I have the privilege of honing my grant writing skills. Day 3 of my new position (Monday will mark 3 weeks) came with a request from my unofficial supervisor (I consider her a mentor... thank you, Esther) to locate info on a smaller grant from a new funder and begin the process for this grant. Automatically, I started questioning myself, my ability, blah. That lasted for two seconds, as I then went in to "go" mode. I knew it wouldn't be asked of me if she didn't think I could do it.
Long story short, we worked on finishing that grant until 10ish last night, and turned it in today! Shortly after turning it over, I received an email from the director (my "big supervisor"- she's a thin woman, big as in head woman in charge of our department) She's allowing me to take the lead on a much larger grant! Much larger! Due July 16! Adrenaline rush like whoa, but a calm one at the same time... I am still overwhelmed with such gratitude that all of my emotions are flowing together.
So here I am, combining my skills, in an agency that shares the same values I do, and puts the community first! I do not know which I am more excited about, but I do know it has always been a dream to be able to combine my talents- writing, organizing, running numbers, leadership, community, all of it! I never thought I could find a job that would give me the opportunity to do data and writing. I didn't even have to seek this one out, it just came to me via a woman I consider my clan mom here. (I'll have to email her this, thank you Gayle)
That, in a nut shell is what I do, and why I cannot stop getting so excited about working. There are moments when I feel guilty because I haven't even walked with my masters degree yet, and this job literally fell out of the California sky in to my lap... I really need to write a whole blog about that series of events, but that could date back years. I do think of my cohort often and pray everyone is finding rewarding jobs (spiritually and emotionally rewarding) like I have. I have finally moved from the waiting for the other shoe to drop to there is no other shoe (Jess gave me that).
And now I need to go get that grant! Whoo hoo!! If you do read my blogs, please send positive energies, prayers, whatever you do in your spiritual life, up for our department and agency. We surely could use these grants to keep serving our amazing community members! Wado! (Thank you)
Love to all, Light to all
Dbear
Monday, June 25, 2012
More randoms SF is teaching me...
(disclaimer- when I say SF, I could be referring to the city or the east bay. When I say east bay, I could be referring to Oakland, Berkeley, the hills, etc)
On that note, this whole area is a gigantic megatropolis. You can drive to multiple towns (cities?) within just a few mins.
The color of the street signs determine where you are (in east bay particularly)
Never assume anything when it comes to ethnicity or gender
Polyamory- it isn't just for Mormons...
Learning how to use chop sticks is a requirement if I want to enjoy the most authentic Asian cuisine
Limes soak up grease (taco trucks)
It is acceptable and mostly necessary to barely tap a bumper when parallel parking... Actually, I think that is the purpose of bumpers
Always keep a jacket handy... But pack lightly and wear good shoes. Really good shoes. (I'm ready to donate 20 pair and buy 1 really good pair)
Cash and debit is the main way to go at most corner stores
Always keep quarters handy
Take a picture of the general area in which you are parking... You never know when they may cement a meter in to the ground and give you a ticket (yes, really happened to a coworker)
Parking tickets are $66 in east bay and $98 in the city- and you have to pay them off before you can register a vehicle
Smog checks- necessary.
Do not use your phone or read on public transit unless you are absolutely certain where you are going... You may end up at the end of the line, going in the wrong direction (not fun, but pretty sights to see!)
The smell of urine is just part of SF life, so is weed, get used to it (in this case, I do mean the city)
If you do not stop for pedestrians, prepare to be pulled over.
The above goes for bikes as well.
As a pedestrian, I can walk out in to a busy highway and the cars will stop.
At this point, please watch national lampoon's senior trip for the crossing guard scene and you will know why I giggle to myself at every crosswalk. "Go! The Cars Will Stop!" LOL
A hooker taught me how to cross the street. She was nice.
Oh, they are referred to as "sex workers"
Sex workers are generally accepted here from what I can gather. (My roommate is doing her dissertation on this, so could explain more)
Nudity is "decriminalized" in SF
I do not know the difference between decriminalized and legal
I think pot is decriminalized too? Or maybe only if you have a medical card? I'm still unclear on that. I just know not to eat anything called an edible...
This area is the most beautiful place anyone can wish to live... Mountains, beaches, lakes, trails, it's heaven really. All sides of the bay have their own pieces of Heaven and it will take me years to discover it all...
Gentrification... I had to look that up at one time.
Berkeley-ite. It's what they call them.
Hipsters and single gear bike or something like that. Basically, they rigged their bicycles to have no brakes and have to back peddle-forward peddle when stopping. I don't understand why...
Single moms by choice- coolest group ever.
6 year olds go out on the town by themselves. I've never seen such a thing. Riding the bus alone and everything. Most stick with their buddies though. I do want to tell them to respect themselves and pull their pants up. It's the old soul in me.
I'll add to this list as time goes on. Looks like I'm learning a lot for 19 days in!
Love to all, light to all
DBear
On that note, this whole area is a gigantic megatropolis. You can drive to multiple towns (cities?) within just a few mins.
The color of the street signs determine where you are (in east bay particularly)
Never assume anything when it comes to ethnicity or gender
Polyamory- it isn't just for Mormons...
Learning how to use chop sticks is a requirement if I want to enjoy the most authentic Asian cuisine
Limes soak up grease (taco trucks)
It is acceptable and mostly necessary to barely tap a bumper when parallel parking... Actually, I think that is the purpose of bumpers
Always keep a jacket handy... But pack lightly and wear good shoes. Really good shoes. (I'm ready to donate 20 pair and buy 1 really good pair)
Cash and debit is the main way to go at most corner stores
Always keep quarters handy
Take a picture of the general area in which you are parking... You never know when they may cement a meter in to the ground and give you a ticket (yes, really happened to a coworker)
Parking tickets are $66 in east bay and $98 in the city- and you have to pay them off before you can register a vehicle
Smog checks- necessary.
Do not use your phone or read on public transit unless you are absolutely certain where you are going... You may end up at the end of the line, going in the wrong direction (not fun, but pretty sights to see!)
The smell of urine is just part of SF life, so is weed, get used to it (in this case, I do mean the city)
If you do not stop for pedestrians, prepare to be pulled over.
The above goes for bikes as well.
As a pedestrian, I can walk out in to a busy highway and the cars will stop.
At this point, please watch national lampoon's senior trip for the crossing guard scene and you will know why I giggle to myself at every crosswalk. "Go! The Cars Will Stop!" LOL
A hooker taught me how to cross the street. She was nice.
Oh, they are referred to as "sex workers"
Sex workers are generally accepted here from what I can gather. (My roommate is doing her dissertation on this, so could explain more)
Nudity is "decriminalized" in SF
I do not know the difference between decriminalized and legal
I think pot is decriminalized too? Or maybe only if you have a medical card? I'm still unclear on that. I just know not to eat anything called an edible...
This area is the most beautiful place anyone can wish to live... Mountains, beaches, lakes, trails, it's heaven really. All sides of the bay have their own pieces of Heaven and it will take me years to discover it all...
Gentrification... I had to look that up at one time.
Berkeley-ite. It's what they call them.
Hipsters and single gear bike or something like that. Basically, they rigged their bicycles to have no brakes and have to back peddle-forward peddle when stopping. I don't understand why...
Single moms by choice- coolest group ever.
6 year olds go out on the town by themselves. I've never seen such a thing. Riding the bus alone and everything. Most stick with their buddies though. I do want to tell them to respect themselves and pull their pants up. It's the old soul in me.
I'll add to this list as time goes on. Looks like I'm learning a lot for 19 days in!
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Almost three weeks later...
I am still here :) I would say week 2 in the bay, but it feels like I've been here much longer! I have had my emotional moments, my culture shock, sticker shock, whoa moments, but I feel I am adapting...
I came out here at a great time, I was able to experience my first big Pride. Words cannot describe it. I've never seen so many people so happy to just be existing in one space, all like minded, all filled with LOVE. (At this point, if you need to google Pride, go ahead) There were more people than I am usually comfortable being around, but well worth it. The only thing I can compare it to is International friends of bill conference, but a lot more pink and rainbows ha. I also learned that nudity is decriminalized in SF. Eek. This small town girl got her eyes full! I do think it should be illegal for hairy old men- gross. But whatever.
So this was my week in a nutshell- a lot of work, an injury Monday, fought off a cold all week (I won- thank you EmergenC!), then Pride. I started the festivities by volunteering and hanging with BAAITS (Bay Area American Indian Two Spirit) on Friday night and we watched the tranny march from the 4th floor patio of the SF LGBT community center. Amazing!
Yesterday, I divided my time between a pow wow in Richmond, and Pink Saturday at Delores Park. I only got to help set up at pow wow and would have liked to stay all day. The great thing about being here is we have them all the time! I always felt I was missing that part of my culture in previous cities I lived in. Here, I get to connect and embrace my roots (as we all should!) After set up, and fry bread of course, I went over to pink Saturday. It was almost too much to handle, but I quickly found some friends and watched the march from church and 16th. I did video the dykes on bikes, but my iPhone went stupid :( I'm sure I can find it on YouTube. Goal next year- find a dyke and ride on her bike. I've been told I am cute enough to make this happen.
Today, was the big parade. I have never walked in a parade like this. What's awesome is I walked with BAAITS. We had elders in dress walking with us and many in the crowd appreciated our presence. The best part is our grand Marshall is natives, and we were near the very beginning of the parade (#9 out of like 199) which we greatly appreciate as a group. Goal next year- a float for NAHC and BAAITS- we could make it a community event for our 2Spirit work! (More about the work I do later)
I also wanted to go in to a whole other discussion now about macro insults and micro insults, but I will save that for another time. Basically, I had the opportunity to educate some people in the SF ROTC contingency about dressing as natives and booty dancing... They are not native and it was not a representation I appreciated. But I did my part by letting them know, and they apologized. I did tell them we weren't attacking or angry, just wanted to educate. I will write more on that later, as I am still learning.
I also have more to share about work and culture, but basically- I am so blessed to be here.
Oh, I was questioning whether I truly belonged here just because a series of unfortunate events occurred and I was frustrated. However, I met with the medicine man Friday and he confirmed what I already knew- the Universe has seen fit that I end up here, I am right where I belong. How many people get to work in areas they are 100% passionate about, all while learning more about heritage, and connecting to amazing people? That is simply a gift, and I am grateful to accept it.
I have so much more to say, but time for Sunday chores so I can start the week off right! Excuse any grammatical or structural errors, using iPad app and being lazy :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear
I came out here at a great time, I was able to experience my first big Pride. Words cannot describe it. I've never seen so many people so happy to just be existing in one space, all like minded, all filled with LOVE. (At this point, if you need to google Pride, go ahead) There were more people than I am usually comfortable being around, but well worth it. The only thing I can compare it to is International friends of bill conference, but a lot more pink and rainbows ha. I also learned that nudity is decriminalized in SF. Eek. This small town girl got her eyes full! I do think it should be illegal for hairy old men- gross. But whatever.
So this was my week in a nutshell- a lot of work, an injury Monday, fought off a cold all week (I won- thank you EmergenC!), then Pride. I started the festivities by volunteering and hanging with BAAITS (Bay Area American Indian Two Spirit) on Friday night and we watched the tranny march from the 4th floor patio of the SF LGBT community center. Amazing!
Yesterday, I divided my time between a pow wow in Richmond, and Pink Saturday at Delores Park. I only got to help set up at pow wow and would have liked to stay all day. The great thing about being here is we have them all the time! I always felt I was missing that part of my culture in previous cities I lived in. Here, I get to connect and embrace my roots (as we all should!) After set up, and fry bread of course, I went over to pink Saturday. It was almost too much to handle, but I quickly found some friends and watched the march from church and 16th. I did video the dykes on bikes, but my iPhone went stupid :( I'm sure I can find it on YouTube. Goal next year- find a dyke and ride on her bike. I've been told I am cute enough to make this happen.
Today, was the big parade. I have never walked in a parade like this. What's awesome is I walked with BAAITS. We had elders in dress walking with us and many in the crowd appreciated our presence. The best part is our grand Marshall is natives, and we were near the very beginning of the parade (#9 out of like 199) which we greatly appreciate as a group. Goal next year- a float for NAHC and BAAITS- we could make it a community event for our 2Spirit work! (More about the work I do later)
I also wanted to go in to a whole other discussion now about macro insults and micro insults, but I will save that for another time. Basically, I had the opportunity to educate some people in the SF ROTC contingency about dressing as natives and booty dancing... They are not native and it was not a representation I appreciated. But I did my part by letting them know, and they apologized. I did tell them we weren't attacking or angry, just wanted to educate. I will write more on that later, as I am still learning.
I also have more to share about work and culture, but basically- I am so blessed to be here.
Oh, I was questioning whether I truly belonged here just because a series of unfortunate events occurred and I was frustrated. However, I met with the medicine man Friday and he confirmed what I already knew- the Universe has seen fit that I end up here, I am right where I belong. How many people get to work in areas they are 100% passionate about, all while learning more about heritage, and connecting to amazing people? That is simply a gift, and I am grateful to accept it.
I have so much more to say, but time for Sunday chores so I can start the week off right! Excuse any grammatical or structural errors, using iPad app and being lazy :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear
Thursday, June 14, 2012
My First Week in the "other" Bay Area...
... Definitely not the Tampa Bay Area! It hardly seems like it has only been a week since arriving in the SF Bay Area. Maybe because it has been two weeks since I left Florida. Or maybe because I have hit the ground running. Who knows? I arrived in Oakland last Wednesday, moved in to my temporary residence Thursday, and started work Monday. I use the term "moved in" loosely because I am not quite moved in, nor will I be until I find a more permanent place in September. Moving sucks. So keeps as many boxes packed as necessary is my goal.
I should also mention I am not sure what actual city I live in... Google says Oakland, Bing calls it Emeryville. Mail can be sent to either city and it comes here. This part of the Bay Area is strange like that... you go one block left, you are in Emeryville. A few blocks to the right, you get Berkeley. I can tell which city I am in at any given moment by the color of the street signs. Emeryville is blue, Berk is brown, Oaktown is green (I think). Our signs say Oakland. The USPS and some utility companies say Emeryville. Just a little odd note I wanted to mention.
So far, I have been in to "the city" (SF) two or three times? I have seen a friend from back home (Tally) a few times, and had several home cooked meals by friends. I love that. Move to a brand new city, make instant friends, or randomly have a friend from Tally show up because she has job interviews here. Awesome! I have also fallen in love with a 4 year old named Jacia and her mom, Cassie. They are a great family and I am glad to be included in their ventures.
The bulk of my adventures here so far have been work related or transportation related. I have learned what shoes are not going to work for work, and to pay attention when I get on a train. That last part is very important. I ended up at the end of the BART line (Fremont) when I needed to go 20 mins away to San Francisco. Oops! Glad my colleagues are understanding, and realize this Florida girl is definitely not in Florida anymore.
My job is beyond great. It is a big change for me because I have coworkers and supervisors who are all about empowering each other to make decisions on projects. This is much different than the land of academia. I was blessed with a great professor my last year or so of GAship, but it is still much different in this type of setting. It's difficult at times because I feel like I need to constantly ask if I can do this or that, for direction in general, etc.... when really, I can just do. As long as it is in line with our values and mission as an organization. Which is another thing... How wonderful is it to work for an organization that shares such vision. To have like-minded colleagues and community members. I can't say enough about that. Refreshing. I just have to stop doubting myself and realize I wouldn't be here if it wasn't my purpose and passion.
I am sure I am missing a lot about my first week here, but I am beyond tired. My body hasn't decided to fully adjust yet, so I am not sleeping as I should be. That will come. There is also a lot of excitement about being here, mixed with fear and anxiety, but that will pass.
Over the next few months, I do need to decide where I will ultimately settle. There are many pros to the East Bay... one major pro is it is much quieter than the city, and there are numerous nature spots right out my back door. I also have to consider my headquarters is in the East Bay. While I will be going in to the city to meet with other project staff, my office is here. Then, there is the financial piece. Everywhere is expensive here. Completely expensive. The food is cheap (thank you, Trader Joes and Berkeley Bowl) but the housing and transportation are outrageous. Go across the bridge and it is even more outrageous. I do love the city though. Luckily, I do not have to make that decision tonight, but it will be on my mind this summer as finding housing can be a lengthy process too.
For tonight, I am grateful to be here, extremely proud to be part of such an awesome community and the NAHC, and happy I made it here in one piece :) I am also grateful my China is adjusting better than I am. That's most important :)
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
I should also mention I am not sure what actual city I live in... Google says Oakland, Bing calls it Emeryville. Mail can be sent to either city and it comes here. This part of the Bay Area is strange like that... you go one block left, you are in Emeryville. A few blocks to the right, you get Berkeley. I can tell which city I am in at any given moment by the color of the street signs. Emeryville is blue, Berk is brown, Oaktown is green (I think). Our signs say Oakland. The USPS and some utility companies say Emeryville. Just a little odd note I wanted to mention.
So far, I have been in to "the city" (SF) two or three times? I have seen a friend from back home (Tally) a few times, and had several home cooked meals by friends. I love that. Move to a brand new city, make instant friends, or randomly have a friend from Tally show up because she has job interviews here. Awesome! I have also fallen in love with a 4 year old named Jacia and her mom, Cassie. They are a great family and I am glad to be included in their ventures.
The bulk of my adventures here so far have been work related or transportation related. I have learned what shoes are not going to work for work, and to pay attention when I get on a train. That last part is very important. I ended up at the end of the BART line (Fremont) when I needed to go 20 mins away to San Francisco. Oops! Glad my colleagues are understanding, and realize this Florida girl is definitely not in Florida anymore.
My job is beyond great. It is a big change for me because I have coworkers and supervisors who are all about empowering each other to make decisions on projects. This is much different than the land of academia. I was blessed with a great professor my last year or so of GAship, but it is still much different in this type of setting. It's difficult at times because I feel like I need to constantly ask if I can do this or that, for direction in general, etc.... when really, I can just do. As long as it is in line with our values and mission as an organization. Which is another thing... How wonderful is it to work for an organization that shares such vision. To have like-minded colleagues and community members. I can't say enough about that. Refreshing. I just have to stop doubting myself and realize I wouldn't be here if it wasn't my purpose and passion.
I am sure I am missing a lot about my first week here, but I am beyond tired. My body hasn't decided to fully adjust yet, so I am not sleeping as I should be. That will come. There is also a lot of excitement about being here, mixed with fear and anxiety, but that will pass.
Over the next few months, I do need to decide where I will ultimately settle. There are many pros to the East Bay... one major pro is it is much quieter than the city, and there are numerous nature spots right out my back door. I also have to consider my headquarters is in the East Bay. While I will be going in to the city to meet with other project staff, my office is here. Then, there is the financial piece. Everywhere is expensive here. Completely expensive. The food is cheap (thank you, Trader Joes and Berkeley Bowl) but the housing and transportation are outrageous. Go across the bridge and it is even more outrageous. I do love the city though. Luckily, I do not have to make that decision tonight, but it will be on my mind this summer as finding housing can be a lengthy process too.
For tonight, I am grateful to be here, extremely proud to be part of such an awesome community and the NAHC, and happy I made it here in one piece :) I am also grateful my China is adjusting better than I am. That's most important :)
Love to all, light to all,
DBear
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Road trippin- the whole story
So I am finally taking time to write about the logistics of this road trip. I had to rest up enough to put together two thoughts with any amount of clarity.
We started in Florida, and decided to go up to Memphis and do the I-40W route to get to Arizona. Mainly because I wanted to see a good friend in Oxford, MS, and that was on the way to Memphis (kind of)- then I also had to see Arizona.
The original plan was a full day in Sedona and a full day in the Grand Canyon, then go up to Vegas and then Oakland. That changed. We were tired, I am still tired. We spent one day doing both places in Arizona (that makes for one very long day), and then decided to head to Sequoia National Park on the way to Oakland. That stop wasn't terribly far out of the way. Between all of these places, I must go back and hike in Sedona and Sequoia. Slide Rock Park in Sedona and Lodge Pole Campground in Sequoia. I think those are the names... The beauty of being on this coast is I can go back.
I should back track and say between Memphis and Arizona, there wasn't much I was able to see because we did mostly night driving. I wanted to see the Ozarks, but need to be considerate of my driving mate (step dad) and realize that if I stopped to see it all, I would never get to my new home. I did see a lot of Oklahoma and enjoyed that more than I expected. We only had to drive through 200 or so miles of Texas so that was awesome.
My favorite drive was through Albequerque, the night lights are gorgeous. My favorite day drive is Arizona of course. Beyond beautiful.
I will be honest here and say this long a drive came with consequences. I almost hit a deer on one of my night drives, and nearly had a panic attack... this is not good when driving a 16 footer and towing a car via flatbed tow. Slamming on brakes can flip those easily, so we are blessed to be alive. The other incident occurred in Arizona. We drove the CRV through our stops and stumbled upon a nail somewhere along the way. The tire was patched and we were back on our way. The next incident (the scariest) occurred near Fresno, in a city named Visalia. As I was driving, the road shifted and the truck started shaking. This happened a lot because well, it's a big freaking truck. But then I heard sputtering and smelled rubber... yes, blown tire. I am not sure how I managed to calmly pull over, but again, we are fortunate to be alive.
Back to the logistics of the trip... Other than our designated stops, there were many stops at travel centers and I have a new found love for the ease of these centers. Shower, laundry, food, etc., a lot cheaper than hotels! We did get tired of this and the last two nights on the road were spent in hotels.
By far, the most noteworthy part of our adventure was our last night on the road. We managed to get all the way to Tracy, Ca (an hour from Oakland) without having to back up. That's apparently the worst thing you can do when towing a car. Well, we pull in to the hotel thinking the parking lot wraps all the way around and it does not. After 15 tries, 15 near jack-knifes, and a lot of expletives, my dad finally asks for help. Who does he ask? The three guys partying it up with a case of beer in the parking lot. Of course. One has a class A license. Of course. I am sure these guys are still talking about us, as this seemed to be the highlight of their week. After about a 35-point turn, and a lot of excitement, we were safely parked for the night. The next day, we dropped the trailer in Oakland, and then finally took the truck back today. What day is it?
Goodness, I am more tired after writing this all. I am sure there is more I will recall after loading pictures and such, but for now, I am grateful to be nearly settled in Oakland. At least the truck is unloaded and back to Budget. I am still slightly resentful that the tire blew and the gas was 11 miles to the gallon. Suggestion- do more research before deciding what company to use, if you must rent a truck and do it yourself. I would say use a company, but only for things that you do not mind being damaged or lost. At least this way, I know my sentimentals are safe. I may not be able to find everything right now (that's a whole other blog... my need to have everything in it's "right place") but my things are with me.
One final note- traveling with China. I am fortunate she is such an easy cat. She literally did zero kvetching throughout this whole road trip, which is more to say for myself. (Sorry for yelling at you Jon, when driving through the dust storm! Okay, and a few other times) Back to China, she would hang in the CRV when it was cool enough, ride with us other times, sleep with us, eat when she wanted, the litter did get stinky, but it all worked out. She is now happily enjoying the pillow top bed as a queen should be, waiting for me to join. Goodnight :)
We started in Florida, and decided to go up to Memphis and do the I-40W route to get to Arizona. Mainly because I wanted to see a good friend in Oxford, MS, and that was on the way to Memphis (kind of)- then I also had to see Arizona.
The original plan was a full day in Sedona and a full day in the Grand Canyon, then go up to Vegas and then Oakland. That changed. We were tired, I am still tired. We spent one day doing both places in Arizona (that makes for one very long day), and then decided to head to Sequoia National Park on the way to Oakland. That stop wasn't terribly far out of the way. Between all of these places, I must go back and hike in Sedona and Sequoia. Slide Rock Park in Sedona and Lodge Pole Campground in Sequoia. I think those are the names... The beauty of being on this coast is I can go back.
I should back track and say between Memphis and Arizona, there wasn't much I was able to see because we did mostly night driving. I wanted to see the Ozarks, but need to be considerate of my driving mate (step dad) and realize that if I stopped to see it all, I would never get to my new home. I did see a lot of Oklahoma and enjoyed that more than I expected. We only had to drive through 200 or so miles of Texas so that was awesome.
My favorite drive was through Albequerque, the night lights are gorgeous. My favorite day drive is Arizona of course. Beyond beautiful.
I will be honest here and say this long a drive came with consequences. I almost hit a deer on one of my night drives, and nearly had a panic attack... this is not good when driving a 16 footer and towing a car via flatbed tow. Slamming on brakes can flip those easily, so we are blessed to be alive. The other incident occurred in Arizona. We drove the CRV through our stops and stumbled upon a nail somewhere along the way. The tire was patched and we were back on our way. The next incident (the scariest) occurred near Fresno, in a city named Visalia. As I was driving, the road shifted and the truck started shaking. This happened a lot because well, it's a big freaking truck. But then I heard sputtering and smelled rubber... yes, blown tire. I am not sure how I managed to calmly pull over, but again, we are fortunate to be alive.
Back to the logistics of the trip... Other than our designated stops, there were many stops at travel centers and I have a new found love for the ease of these centers. Shower, laundry, food, etc., a lot cheaper than hotels! We did get tired of this and the last two nights on the road were spent in hotels.
By far, the most noteworthy part of our adventure was our last night on the road. We managed to get all the way to Tracy, Ca (an hour from Oakland) without having to back up. That's apparently the worst thing you can do when towing a car. Well, we pull in to the hotel thinking the parking lot wraps all the way around and it does not. After 15 tries, 15 near jack-knifes, and a lot of expletives, my dad finally asks for help. Who does he ask? The three guys partying it up with a case of beer in the parking lot. Of course. One has a class A license. Of course. I am sure these guys are still talking about us, as this seemed to be the highlight of their week. After about a 35-point turn, and a lot of excitement, we were safely parked for the night. The next day, we dropped the trailer in Oakland, and then finally took the truck back today. What day is it?
Goodness, I am more tired after writing this all. I am sure there is more I will recall after loading pictures and such, but for now, I am grateful to be nearly settled in Oakland. At least the truck is unloaded and back to Budget. I am still slightly resentful that the tire blew and the gas was 11 miles to the gallon. Suggestion- do more research before deciding what company to use, if you must rent a truck and do it yourself. I would say use a company, but only for things that you do not mind being damaged or lost. At least this way, I know my sentimentals are safe. I may not be able to find everything right now (that's a whole other blog... my need to have everything in it's "right place") but my things are with me.
One final note- traveling with China. I am fortunate she is such an easy cat. She literally did zero kvetching throughout this whole road trip, which is more to say for myself. (Sorry for yelling at you Jon, when driving through the dust storm! Okay, and a few other times) Back to China, she would hang in the CRV when it was cool enough, ride with us other times, sleep with us, eat when she wanted, the litter did get stinky, but it all worked out. She is now happily enjoying the pillow top bed as a queen should be, waiting for me to join. Goodnight :)
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
I have arrived!
My first day in East Bay has been great. I am not sure why people say Oakland is so bad. I am living on the Oakland/Berkeley border and like my neighborhood so far. I will explore more with my roomies this weekend. It isn't as walkable as SF, but I can bike to the BART in about 5 mins and take that in to work every day.
The neighborhood I work in is the type people are probably thinking of when they get that wide-eyed "you are moving where?!" look. Honestly, I do not feel unsafe. However, it is day 1, and I have had moments of questioning if moving here over SF was the right choice. I have 3 months to figure out where I want to settle, so I am sure more will be revealed. I am simply grateful I arrived safely.
The road trip blog will be posted after I arrange my notes and details. I can definitely offer tons of suggestions on what not to do :)
I start work on Monday and am beyond exciting for this opportunity. The way I see it is if so many things fell in to place after simply meeting a stranger on a bus while vacationing in SF just three months ago, then there is nothing to worry about. Clearly, I have a huge HP, always has my back. Even when I do not see the whole stair case, I can take the first step knowing that powerful fact.
I do miss my mom terribly and am hoping she will retire out west when the time comes. It is ironic that so many years are spent detesting your parents, and then they become your closest friends. I am blessed. I did arrive to a card from her and PBear mail from my Bear. Not sure I know many people who can say they get two hand written letters on their first day 3,000 miles from "home".
I've thought a lot about an old trusted friend, Paul, this week so I will end with a Paulism... "what is there not to love?"
More blogs to follow, hope you continue to follow as well. Love to all, light to all
DB
The neighborhood I work in is the type people are probably thinking of when they get that wide-eyed "you are moving where?!" look. Honestly, I do not feel unsafe. However, it is day 1, and I have had moments of questioning if moving here over SF was the right choice. I have 3 months to figure out where I want to settle, so I am sure more will be revealed. I am simply grateful I arrived safely.
The road trip blog will be posted after I arrange my notes and details. I can definitely offer tons of suggestions on what not to do :)
I start work on Monday and am beyond exciting for this opportunity. The way I see it is if so many things fell in to place after simply meeting a stranger on a bus while vacationing in SF just three months ago, then there is nothing to worry about. Clearly, I have a huge HP, always has my back. Even when I do not see the whole stair case, I can take the first step knowing that powerful fact.
I do miss my mom terribly and am hoping she will retire out west when the time comes. It is ironic that so many years are spent detesting your parents, and then they become your closest friends. I am blessed. I did arrive to a card from her and PBear mail from my Bear. Not sure I know many people who can say they get two hand written letters on their first day 3,000 miles from "home".
I've thought a lot about an old trusted friend, Paul, this week so I will end with a Paulism... "what is there not to love?"
More blogs to follow, hope you continue to follow as well. Love to all, light to all
DB
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Road tripping....
Well, not even half way there, and I understand why people say your patience will be tested and you and your driving mate will hate each other halfway through. It's difficult when two people are trying to run the show. We had our first mini spat this morning, but seem to be working through it. I am thinking this will be a good bonding experience for me and "dad"... if we don't kill each other first.
So far, the details of the trip haven't been that eventful, as we are doing a lot of night driving. There are things I wanted to see (Ozarks), but could not due to timing.
The highlight of this journey so far was our stop in Oxford, MS to see my Spons. She welcomed us with a whole gaggle of our friends, cooked breakfast for us, let us rest and shower, showed me Ole Miss, and just a great visit in general.
I planned the route around that stop, which is why there isn't much to report from the road as of yet. We have been through FL, AL, MS, TN (for 5 mins), AR, and are now driving through Oklahoma. I love OK so far, surrounded by the Spirits of my Ancestors. I look forward to seeing the state since we are now on day driving. We have about 14 hours to go before Flagstaff, so we may or may not stop in New Mexico. I would love to, but we need to get to Flagstaff by tomorrow so we can see Grand Canyon and Sedona (my choice), and get to Oakland by Wednesday.
Logistics of driving has been the most interesting (and somewhat terrifying) part of this whole experience. I am guessing that if I can drive a 16 footer and tow my CRV on a flatbed, I can drive nearly anything. The biggest scare was last night- us vs. deer. I had to slam on breaks, which is really a bad idea... I thought for sure we would flip. Or at least lose the CRV off the flatbed. Neither happened, thank God. There was a very nice man who witnessed the whole deal and happened to stop at the same rest stop as us 50 miles later. He has spent years doing cross country drives, and suggested we definitely stay at 55 or below. He has seen far too many flip. So that was a nice thought. LOL. He was saying it with good intention, I am sure.
Another highlight of the trip was last night, getting to skype "home" to the best group of people I know. I was "supposed" to actually leave after visiting them last night, so I skyped in instead.
The timing could not have been better, as I had just received word my Gma was put in hospital. She never gets sick, other than her dementia. Ever. But they say she had a stroke. Now I see why I had to leave early, why mom could not come, etc. etc. If we had not left early, I would still be in Tally with Gma. Grateful mom is there with her.
This is probably the most boring blog I have written thus far, but it is early, I am still not fully awake, and it was time to update on the road trip.
Fly.
So far, the details of the trip haven't been that eventful, as we are doing a lot of night driving. There are things I wanted to see (Ozarks), but could not due to timing.
The highlight of this journey so far was our stop in Oxford, MS to see my Spons. She welcomed us with a whole gaggle of our friends, cooked breakfast for us, let us rest and shower, showed me Ole Miss, and just a great visit in general.
I planned the route around that stop, which is why there isn't much to report from the road as of yet. We have been through FL, AL, MS, TN (for 5 mins), AR, and are now driving through Oklahoma. I love OK so far, surrounded by the Spirits of my Ancestors. I look forward to seeing the state since we are now on day driving. We have about 14 hours to go before Flagstaff, so we may or may not stop in New Mexico. I would love to, but we need to get to Flagstaff by tomorrow so we can see Grand Canyon and Sedona (my choice), and get to Oakland by Wednesday.
Logistics of driving has been the most interesting (and somewhat terrifying) part of this whole experience. I am guessing that if I can drive a 16 footer and tow my CRV on a flatbed, I can drive nearly anything. The biggest scare was last night- us vs. deer. I had to slam on breaks, which is really a bad idea... I thought for sure we would flip. Or at least lose the CRV off the flatbed. Neither happened, thank God. There was a very nice man who witnessed the whole deal and happened to stop at the same rest stop as us 50 miles later. He has spent years doing cross country drives, and suggested we definitely stay at 55 or below. He has seen far too many flip. So that was a nice thought. LOL. He was saying it with good intention, I am sure.
Another highlight of the trip was last night, getting to skype "home" to the best group of people I know. I was "supposed" to actually leave after visiting them last night, so I skyped in instead.
The timing could not have been better, as I had just received word my Gma was put in hospital. She never gets sick, other than her dementia. Ever. But they say she had a stroke. Now I see why I had to leave early, why mom could not come, etc. etc. If we had not left early, I would still be in Tally with Gma. Grateful mom is there with her.
This is probably the most boring blog I have written thus far, but it is early, I am still not fully awake, and it was time to update on the road trip.
Fly.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
The hometown goodbye
Today was possibly the most emotional day of this move so far. I knew it would be. I made a 12 or so hour stop in Tallahassee to sleep and rest for a bit, along with saying some goodbyes. I didn't realize it would be so sad. I am sure part of the reason it was so emotional is because I had about 2 hours of sleep in 2 days (I have since added 5 hours to that amount of sleep)... and the other part is just sadness over knowing it is time to leave this coast, but wishing some could come with me.
The hardest goodbye, other than my mother, was my soul sista. This was a much needed in-person goodbye, yet unexpected as it has been quite some time since we have seen each other, and she is not good at the goodbye thing. It was healing for me, but was followed by a lot of pain and harm to myself. One, my own emotions. Two, the harm coming from a third party who decided to verbally attack me an hour before I was set to leave town. Apparently, the soul sista and I needed permission to speak. Yes, I am being serious. It was so hurtful, and honestly shocking, way past left field. It does not deserve further mention or attention, but I will say I am confident I did the right thing for us both, and I am assured I am an "amazing woman" as the soul sista put it. Thank you for that. We are GAWW :)
I do not wish to blog about the rest of the goodbyes because they are all see you laters anyway, and I am already missing my mom and worried about her. I am blessed to be best friends with my mother. Truly. I did not see my biological father, and did not expect to. Nor did I see Bear, but we connect all the time, regardless of distance and space. I am blessed.
So my lesson from my 12 hours in my hometown is this. No matter how kind, loving, or honest my intention, there will always be those who find fault. Be true to myself anyway. Continue giving and loving, no matter what. Assumptions make people look like fools, and cause a lot of harm when followed up with assault. Carry the memories that make me truly happy, stay connected with those who I wouldn't want to live without, forget those who have hatred in their soul towards me. After all, life is about nurture and growth. If we can't do that, what are we doing?
I know for me, I am flying... one chapter in my life is closing, another is opening, part of that is in the goodbyes, but the focal point of this journey is in the Fly Butterfly Fly.
The hardest goodbye, other than my mother, was my soul sista. This was a much needed in-person goodbye, yet unexpected as it has been quite some time since we have seen each other, and she is not good at the goodbye thing. It was healing for me, but was followed by a lot of pain and harm to myself. One, my own emotions. Two, the harm coming from a third party who decided to verbally attack me an hour before I was set to leave town. Apparently, the soul sista and I needed permission to speak. Yes, I am being serious. It was so hurtful, and honestly shocking, way past left field. It does not deserve further mention or attention, but I will say I am confident I did the right thing for us both, and I am assured I am an "amazing woman" as the soul sista put it. Thank you for that. We are GAWW :)
I do not wish to blog about the rest of the goodbyes because they are all see you laters anyway, and I am already missing my mom and worried about her. I am blessed to be best friends with my mother. Truly. I did not see my biological father, and did not expect to. Nor did I see Bear, but we connect all the time, regardless of distance and space. I am blessed.
So my lesson from my 12 hours in my hometown is this. No matter how kind, loving, or honest my intention, there will always be those who find fault. Be true to myself anyway. Continue giving and loving, no matter what. Assumptions make people look like fools, and cause a lot of harm when followed up with assault. Carry the memories that make me truly happy, stay connected with those who I wouldn't want to live without, forget those who have hatred in their soul towards me. After all, life is about nurture and growth. If we can't do that, what are we doing?
I know for me, I am flying... one chapter in my life is closing, another is opening, part of that is in the goodbyes, but the focal point of this journey is in the Fly Butterfly Fly.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
And the journey begins...
So here it is, time to leave... I never knew this would be my destiny, part of my journey anyhow. I have posted all over my typical social forum about this day, my move, etc., but have decided I will return to blogging once more... it is simply time. Besides, how often will one get this opportunity.. to take a cross country road trip, see all of the places I have dreamed of seeing, move to the city I fell in love with, the coast I have dreamed of living my life on, wow... it's almost too much to take in at times. But it really is all happening. Because I met a girl on a bus. You will have to refer to one of my blogs from the month of March to understand that. Long story short, I was visiting the city my of my heart, was on a bus on a day I was "supposed to be" hiking, struck up a conversation with a stranger (I do that... a lot) who allowed me to follow her to her workplace because it was right by the Native American AIDS Project... and I wanted to meet the people of this place. I wanted to see their work. From there, I go to the Native American Health Center... volunteer for a few days, meet the staff, go to beading in Oakland a couple of days later, meet the staff, and here I am... moving there for a job at the center. A job I never dreamed could or would be mine. In a place I never dreamed possible to call home. There is more to the story, but that is the not-so-short short version..
I will skip the grueling details of the logistics of moving. Or maybe save those for another day. Let me just say in one word... stress. I worked up until the day before my move (yesterday), went nearly crazy over everything being out of sorts, had to let go of a LOT, literally and figuratively, had some expectations turn in to resentments, which led to more letting go, and here I am finally on the road. Bonding with my dad. (Step dad, but I recently began calling him dad). And driving a "big rig" for the first time in my life. Not while I type.. promise. And big rig is a bit of an exaggeration. It's a 16 footer with my car in tow, but still. And yes, my China Queen fits perfectly in the middle.
So blogosphere, it's me, dad, and China. I will be blogging from the road, beginning my novel (finally), working on my photography, and enjoying the ride. What is there not to love?
I will skip the grueling details of the logistics of moving. Or maybe save those for another day. Let me just say in one word... stress. I worked up until the day before my move (yesterday), went nearly crazy over everything being out of sorts, had to let go of a LOT, literally and figuratively, had some expectations turn in to resentments, which led to more letting go, and here I am finally on the road. Bonding with my dad. (Step dad, but I recently began calling him dad). And driving a "big rig" for the first time in my life. Not while I type.. promise. And big rig is a bit of an exaggeration. It's a 16 footer with my car in tow, but still. And yes, my China Queen fits perfectly in the middle.
So blogosphere, it's me, dad, and China. I will be blogging from the road, beginning my novel (finally), working on my photography, and enjoying the ride. What is there not to love?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Pondering you, pondering me
Do you think of me? I think of you too... when I hear a song, read a poem, come across a photo, remembering times gone by... times where we could just be... we were great, we were toxic, I choose the good.. the times that we could allow each other just to be.. no tug of war, just intimate connections between friends, no push, no pull, we could just be. Your secrets, my questions, my secrets, your wisdom, we could just be free... I wonder, do you think of me? Months have gone by, I'm finally starting to really fly, how I wish you could see, how I wish we could be, I wonder... do you think of me?
Sunday, May 13, 2012
A letter to all daughters taking care of their mothers
Every day, there are countless adult children who care for their elderly parents. It takes a special person to do such, especially when their parents have Alzheimers, a disease that steals precious moments of mental clarity and leads the parent to become someone they never were. This mothers day, I witnessed this more than ever before as the progression of my grandmother's disease is rapidly taking her from us, more and more each day. I decided to write a letter to my mother, as if my grandmother was the author.
Dear daughter-
Today, I want to thank you. I want to acknowledge the gift you are in my life, as you have become a mother to me in recent years. I know this disease I have has caused me to be mean to you while I also depend on you for my every day needs. You work full time, feed me, clothe me, help me bathe and dress, care for me in every way possible, and have to handle the sadness that comes with me not being mentally here. I wish it were different. I wish I wasn't so difficult. Please know I do not intend to hurt you when I say mean things or express my dissatisfaction with the job you are doing. It is quite the opposite, you are doing the best job anyone could, you at here, and take care of me. I'm sure this is not what you envisioned for the later years of my life, and the retirement years of your life. I thank you and am eternally grateful. I do have the best daughter in the world and want you to know that this mothers day, and always. I love you.
Mom
Dear daughter-
Today, I want to thank you. I want to acknowledge the gift you are in my life, as you have become a mother to me in recent years. I know this disease I have has caused me to be mean to you while I also depend on you for my every day needs. You work full time, feed me, clothe me, help me bathe and dress, care for me in every way possible, and have to handle the sadness that comes with me not being mentally here. I wish it were different. I wish I wasn't so difficult. Please know I do not intend to hurt you when I say mean things or express my dissatisfaction with the job you are doing. It is quite the opposite, you are doing the best job anyone could, you at here, and take care of me. I'm sure this is not what you envisioned for the later years of my life, and the retirement years of your life. I thank you and am eternally grateful. I do have the best daughter in the world and want you to know that this mothers day, and always. I love you.
Mom
Sunday, April 29, 2012
I don't know...
Somehow, life has a way of changing us without us even noticing it until the change has occurred. This has what has been happening to me.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am typically a planner. I like order. I like structure. Most importantly, I like to know exactly what is happening, when it is happening, and I must plan accordingly. Call it control, call it obsessive, call it what you like. It has been a staple in my life.
However, things have now changed. Without any control of my own (clearly), I have become this "I don't know" girl.
Example: "Carla, when are you going to California?" "Where will you live?" "What will you do with your condo?" "How long will you be there?" "Are you going to move permanently?" All of these questions, all I can say is I don't know.
Two weeks ago, there were a lot more "I don't knows" than this, but it has been the same clueless wandering through life for about a month. Very little planning or knowing, just going with it all. This part doesn't shock me the most. The part that shocks me the most is that I am generally calm when answering such questions. Maybe because I have to be. Maybe because I've changed. Maybe HP doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
My bet is on the latter.
So, readers, enter a more relaxed, laid back, go with the flow kind of Carla. Will I go back to my rigid ways one day? I don't know. And I accept that today. For this, I am grateful.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am typically a planner. I like order. I like structure. Most importantly, I like to know exactly what is happening, when it is happening, and I must plan accordingly. Call it control, call it obsessive, call it what you like. It has been a staple in my life.
However, things have now changed. Without any control of my own (clearly), I have become this "I don't know" girl.
Example: "Carla, when are you going to California?" "Where will you live?" "What will you do with your condo?" "How long will you be there?" "Are you going to move permanently?" All of these questions, all I can say is I don't know.
Two weeks ago, there were a lot more "I don't knows" than this, but it has been the same clueless wandering through life for about a month. Very little planning or knowing, just going with it all. This part doesn't shock me the most. The part that shocks me the most is that I am generally calm when answering such questions. Maybe because I have to be. Maybe because I've changed. Maybe HP doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
My bet is on the latter.
So, readers, enter a more relaxed, laid back, go with the flow kind of Carla. Will I go back to my rigid ways one day? I don't know. And I accept that today. For this, I am grateful.
Monday, April 23, 2012
A Lesson in Genuine Humility
I have been tasked with an assignment that makes me more than a little uncomfortable- writing a letter of recommendation for myself. (This may not seem like a big deal to most, but apparently it's blogworthy. After nearly a month of bloglessness, this is saying something.)
Apparently, this task is assigned by many professors to those of us asking for reference letters. I am sure there is a lesson here in self-appraisal and confidence, but for me... it's just a big cluster of uneasiness.
I am realizing that somewhere along the line, I adopted this belief about saying nice things about myself... that is was wrong, conceited, grandiose, or would make me a braggart. Maybe it was because I was picked on for being in gifted classes as a child, maybe it's because I had low self esteem, maybe it's something I thought I heard in a sermon at church, or maybe it's a core belief?
Either way, I find myself struggling with a blank word document and questions of self-worth, self appraisal, what's acceptable to write without sounding like I think the world of myself, yet giving myself an honest review of jobs well done. Granted, nobody will know that I actually wrote the letter and sent it to the recommender for editing and a signature... but still... It's a lot of dis-ease. It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.
Aha, there's my lesson. Just when I think I am reaching what I feel to be genuine humility- that is, not thinking less of myself or more of myself, just seeing myself as I truly am- I realize I am nowhere near reaching this point. Character building.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Journey to my destiny...
Has it only been three days since my last post? So much has happened, where do I begin? Well, the rain came. I am grateful for the 5 days I got here without rain... very nice. And I am grateful for the rain. Why? Because it may be what just changed my life. Allow me to explain...
I was going hiking Wednesday and yesterday (Thursday). Instead, I ended up on the MUNI Wednesday morning, heading somewhere... maybe the museum? Maybe Nob Hill? I cannot recall. I ended up talking to a nice lady about my life and direction and what I am doing in the city, how I hope to move here one day. She asked what I hope to do, and I gave her a board overview of my interests, mostly about Native American Health. She says "you know the Native American AIDS Project is right by my job?" I said, "well, no, I didn't know... can I follow you?" So off I go, to work with this lady, she drops me off downstairs at NAP (Native AIDS Project.) I walk in, a bit nervous, thinking they are going to question this white girl walking in. I have tribal affiliation, yes, but I look VERY white-girl. However, it was quite the opposite. It was a connection of the souls upon first meeting. This very gentle woman, Gayle, would end up helping me tremendously today. But back to Wednesday...
I walk in, explain who I am, who I work with, and what I hope to do... the center instantly knows some of the professors I have learned from, one in particular who was recently lecturing at my College and gave us much wisdom and guidance. I now see how my meeting with one woman from the state of Washington (met her in Tampa) is now connecting me to a group of people here in California. I love that. Back to my day- I meet the director of NAP, and a case manager from the Native American Health Center, Laura. She lets me follow her back to her office. I go there and meet other people and spend the rest of the day volunteering. Yesterday, I go back to that center, participate in an amazing talking circle, attend a graduation at the Friendship House (Treatment Center), and speak with the director of the SF health center, along with being asked for my resume.
Then comes today... I was invited by Gayle (remember her?) to Oakland for beading circle. Let me say, I am not a beader, and after today- I do not know that I will be a beader until I learn more patience. But it was an experience. And I am grateful.
After beading, Gayle asks if I have time to meet with a project director and go upstairs to the media center. It turns out this health center in Oakland has state of the art workings of everything I am in to- photovoice, digital storytelling, community based participatory research, all with natives! PERFECT! I believe walking up those stairs was love at first sight... with my future.
I do not wish to speak too soon on the other details of where these random encounters are leading... but there will be many big changes in the near future for me. I am completely honored, humbled, and grateful to the Spirit of the Universe for these connections, this fate, my destiny.
It appears listening to that inner voice, following that guide, and yes, talking to "strangers" all pay off in the long run... from going to a meeting I wasn't feeling up to attending months ago in Tampa, to quitting one appointment at USF which gave me more time to spend in my current appointment, to refraining from hiking in the rain, to following a stranger off the bus, to following a new friend, volunteering, to waking up and going to Oakland when it was raining and I was tired... many, many more, but you get the idea.
Grateful heart
DBear
I was going hiking Wednesday and yesterday (Thursday). Instead, I ended up on the MUNI Wednesday morning, heading somewhere... maybe the museum? Maybe Nob Hill? I cannot recall. I ended up talking to a nice lady about my life and direction and what I am doing in the city, how I hope to move here one day. She asked what I hope to do, and I gave her a board overview of my interests, mostly about Native American Health. She says "you know the Native American AIDS Project is right by my job?" I said, "well, no, I didn't know... can I follow you?" So off I go, to work with this lady, she drops me off downstairs at NAP (Native AIDS Project.) I walk in, a bit nervous, thinking they are going to question this white girl walking in. I have tribal affiliation, yes, but I look VERY white-girl. However, it was quite the opposite. It was a connection of the souls upon first meeting. This very gentle woman, Gayle, would end up helping me tremendously today. But back to Wednesday...
I walk in, explain who I am, who I work with, and what I hope to do... the center instantly knows some of the professors I have learned from, one in particular who was recently lecturing at my College and gave us much wisdom and guidance. I now see how my meeting with one woman from the state of Washington (met her in Tampa) is now connecting me to a group of people here in California. I love that. Back to my day- I meet the director of NAP, and a case manager from the Native American Health Center, Laura. She lets me follow her back to her office. I go there and meet other people and spend the rest of the day volunteering. Yesterday, I go back to that center, participate in an amazing talking circle, attend a graduation at the Friendship House (Treatment Center), and speak with the director of the SF health center, along with being asked for my resume.
Then comes today... I was invited by Gayle (remember her?) to Oakland for beading circle. Let me say, I am not a beader, and after today- I do not know that I will be a beader until I learn more patience. But it was an experience. And I am grateful.
After beading, Gayle asks if I have time to meet with a project director and go upstairs to the media center. It turns out this health center in Oakland has state of the art workings of everything I am in to- photovoice, digital storytelling, community based participatory research, all with natives! PERFECT! I believe walking up those stairs was love at first sight... with my future.
I do not wish to speak too soon on the other details of where these random encounters are leading... but there will be many big changes in the near future for me. I am completely honored, humbled, and grateful to the Spirit of the Universe for these connections, this fate, my destiny.
It appears listening to that inner voice, following that guide, and yes, talking to "strangers" all pay off in the long run... from going to a meeting I wasn't feeling up to attending months ago in Tampa, to quitting one appointment at USF which gave me more time to spend in my current appointment, to refraining from hiking in the rain, to following a stranger off the bus, to following a new friend, volunteering, to waking up and going to Oakland when it was raining and I was tired... many, many more, but you get the idea.
Grateful heart
DBear
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Land's End... where my world began...
I have no clue what day this is... 5, 6, I lost count at 3... This city has completed me. I don't know where I left off, what to catch up on, I just know I've found my heart, my city, this is the one... Have you felt that way? Where you stepped in to your dreams, knew it's where you belonged, the city by the bay....
Ahh, Still loving San Francisco. I think the highlight of the trip so far has been Land's End. Golden Gate Park is amazing as well, I'm only two blocks from there... I was able to get some wonderful shots of nature at her finest, Mother Earth is so good to me... At Land's End, I met a photographer friend... we climbed in to the restricted zone and took more beautiful shots. I did not know her, do not know her name, but our souls were the same... we are both completely and utterly in love with this city, the city by the bay. Later, we parted ways, I went to hike solo, the way I typically like it. I feel like I could trek the coastal trail for days, sit at Land's End and write, write, write, shoot, shoot, shoot (photos, that is)... live life this way.
My other high lights included Castro.. there are no words. The openness and acceptance of all things queer is truly beautiful. The city where people let others be who they are, no judgment, no hostility, just let people be.
Next was China Town... could have taken it or left it... it took an umbrella, a sweater, and money from me on that day. (The umbrella and sweater were lost, the money was willingly given up for sweet gifts and goods to send home)
The food in this city gets better with each meal. I wondered how people were not obese here... then I walked about 38 miles in 5 days.. that's how :) Up hill, down hill, morning, noon, and night... I wouldn't change it for the world, the city is completely pleasing with all of it's sights.
There's so much more to share, I'll save for another day, for now I will get back to enjoying the city by the bay..
Ahh, Still loving San Francisco. I think the highlight of the trip so far has been Land's End. Golden Gate Park is amazing as well, I'm only two blocks from there... I was able to get some wonderful shots of nature at her finest, Mother Earth is so good to me... At Land's End, I met a photographer friend... we climbed in to the restricted zone and took more beautiful shots. I did not know her, do not know her name, but our souls were the same... we are both completely and utterly in love with this city, the city by the bay. Later, we parted ways, I went to hike solo, the way I typically like it. I feel like I could trek the coastal trail for days, sit at Land's End and write, write, write, shoot, shoot, shoot (photos, that is)... live life this way.
My other high lights included Castro.. there are no words. The openness and acceptance of all things queer is truly beautiful. The city where people let others be who they are, no judgment, no hostility, just let people be.
Next was China Town... could have taken it or left it... it took an umbrella, a sweater, and money from me on that day. (The umbrella and sweater were lost, the money was willingly given up for sweet gifts and goods to send home)
The food in this city gets better with each meal. I wondered how people were not obese here... then I walked about 38 miles in 5 days.. that's how :) Up hill, down hill, morning, noon, and night... I wouldn't change it for the world, the city is completely pleasing with all of it's sights.
There's so much more to share, I'll save for another day, for now I will get back to enjoying the city by the bay..
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Day 3- She loves to laugh, she loves to sing, she does everything...
Yes, I think Journey's songs are about me. I have kept my iPod on their playlist this trip, as it just seems right. I can feel the passion as I walk through the beautiful streets of this city by the bay. Passion isn't a strong enough word. I belong here. More on that in another blog...
Today's recap... I started out making a left out of the drive way instead of a right... I confused directions to Moraga steps (10 blocks that way) with the direction of the Golden Gate park (2 blocks the other way). I walked "that way" and when I got about 5 blocks in, I realized that could not be right. Un-luckily for me, this whole trek was up a massively steep hill. Luckily for me, I eventually took a rest and went to an amazing place called Donut World for a ham and cheese croissant. Amazing. The ham and cheese was baked in to the croissant... I guess that's how a "real" one is made. After that, I found a group of friends for an hour (my FOB know what I mean...) Going to see more of them in Castro tomorrow.
I finally made it to Golden Gate, but only strolled through the botanical gardens and over to de Young. Good thing I am only two blocks away, I can go back when my feet are not dying. Speaking of which, I have walked 32,355 steps, translating in to 12.7 miles. That's insane. But worth every single step.
My reward came in the form of this place called relaxed feet. At first, I thought it was no big deal, maybe a nice foot rub with a chair massage. I surely underestimated this. It was a mix between reflexology, a pedicure, and a fully-clothed full body massage. For only $25 an hour. Literally heaven for my tired body.
Try it.
There's more to tell and pictures to load, but more will come in time. For now, I will sleep. (Speaking of which, I have been sleeping like I've never slept before- going right to sleep, not waking up with ear pain, feeling rested- Amazing. Truly.)
FLY <3
Today's recap... I started out making a left out of the drive way instead of a right... I confused directions to Moraga steps (10 blocks that way) with the direction of the Golden Gate park (2 blocks the other way). I walked "that way" and when I got about 5 blocks in, I realized that could not be right. Un-luckily for me, this whole trek was up a massively steep hill. Luckily for me, I eventually took a rest and went to an amazing place called Donut World for a ham and cheese croissant. Amazing. The ham and cheese was baked in to the croissant... I guess that's how a "real" one is made. After that, I found a group of friends for an hour (my FOB know what I mean...) Going to see more of them in Castro tomorrow.
I finally made it to Golden Gate, but only strolled through the botanical gardens and over to de Young. Good thing I am only two blocks away, I can go back when my feet are not dying. Speaking of which, I have walked 32,355 steps, translating in to 12.7 miles. That's insane. But worth every single step.
My reward came in the form of this place called relaxed feet. At first, I thought it was no big deal, maybe a nice foot rub with a chair massage. I surely underestimated this. It was a mix between reflexology, a pedicure, and a fully-clothed full body massage. For only $25 an hour. Literally heaven for my tired body.
Try it.
There's more to tell and pictures to load, but more will come in time. For now, I will sleep. (Speaking of which, I have been sleeping like I've never slept before- going right to sleep, not waking up with ear pain, feeling rested- Amazing. Truly.)
FLY <3
Friday, March 9, 2012
Day 2- And the sun shines on the bay...
Today, I learned the priceless value of google maps on the iPhone. For about a week before making my pilgrimage, I was worrying about the transportation, from the Bart to the Muni to the CalTrain to aggghhhh. (Originally, I thought San Francisco only had a transit system known as Bart. When I realized there was more than this Bart thing, I panicked). Luckily for me, I have a smart phone that is actually living up to it’s smartness. Who knew you could hit the little “bus” in between the walking man and the car, and poof, here are your exact routes, walking distance to such routes, updated departure times, etc. Yes, I have happily received this manna from Heaven and will be utilizing this throughout my trip to SF. I am definitely not in Florida anymore, where the only method of transportation is car.
So I began my day in awe of google maps, and my awe continued in to the ease of mass transit, the beauty of every part of this city, the eclectic-ness of this city, friendliness of residents and (most) tourists, and so on. I did miss my stop once on the Muni, luckily the next stop was only a ¼ mile from where I intended to go. This was at Pier 33 and Pier 39. I arrived at Pier 39 and decided to take some lovely pictures while there as well as pick up my City Pass. Another fabulous feature of my journey: City Pass… It gives me 7 days on Muni, entrance to 5 museums, and a bay cruise for only $63 (usually $69, but discounted rate because I have a citi card). I have yet to go to the museums or cruise, but I did visit Alcatraz today and came back to stroll Pier 39. I cannot even explain how cool both are. I enjoyed Pier 39 more than Alcatraz. I will definitely go for a return visit.
After 7 hours, 13,760 steps, 5.30 miles, I was ready to return to Inner Sunset. Instead, a friend and former supervisor took me to dinner (I would not take this back at all, worth every bit of time and distance). We went to what is known as the best Thai food in SF. Surely, I have nothing to compare this to, but Koh Samui & The Monkey is the best Thai place I have been to in my life. Highly recommended to all. I had scallops with bak choy, yellow curry, sticky rice… NOM. Amazing.
Speaking of food, I did not have the pleasure of writing about last night’s meal, my first in San Francisco. (That is one thing about this journey, there will be much talk of food… it’s definitely a foodie city… actually, I could write a whole blog on this alone) Last night’s fine dining was Park Chow. Biano pizza—white pizza, sunchokes, cauliflower, leeks, oh my. That wasn’t even the best part. Yes, you guessed it, dessert! I was curious about this ginger cake. It sounded odd, but the pumpkin ice cream on the side drew my attention. It was like ginger bread, but almost fried, with crispy edges, pumpkin ice cream, whipped cream, and caramel sauce. Whoa. Best dessert I can recall ever having. In my life. (Sorry, mom, you’re cooking/baking is great, but whoa) So that was my first night and San Francisco. And tonight was my second. Definitely the best city for all things food.
Also, the best city for photography, more on that later. For now, I am going to soak my soreness, and have a movie night with friends.
Day 2- a success.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)