How did I let three weeks go by without writing? I guess because I am tired. I have been submitting resumes, answering emails and phone calls, along with wrapping up at work since my last blog... and my family has been here nearly a week.
Then it all hit me tonight... I do not have a job. I have not been without a job since I was 15 years old. Unless we count those stints in rehabs and institutions... but even in my halfway houses, I was always working. Even if I messed up jobs, I still found other ones. Now, here I am, on this Labor Day Night realizing I have no office to go to tomorrow.
When I say it aloud, I start to panic. My eyes get a little teary, I have a hard time catching my breath... what the hell am I going to do? Yes, I have my consulting business, but I have no active contracts at the moment. I am in communication with people and places about different options, but there are no firm plans. Again, that feeling... unsettled. Truth is I saw myself at NAHC for the long haul. I was married to work, having no issue putting in 15 hour days if that is what needed to be done, or flying coast to coast if that was necessary... whatever was needed, I was there. Now I am here. Unsettled. Unsure. With a lot more free time on my hands....
So here's tonight's plan. Enjoy my time with mom. She is here through Wednesday. Enjoy tomorrow with her. Enjoy Wednesday with her. Take a meeting on Thursday (work related, but non-paid, just keeping a commitment and "passion project"), and head to Santa Cruz Friday to see a friend. I can look at this in many ways. For tonight, I am going to wipe the few tears I shed, and look at all the free time I have... to rehab my knee, do my art, search out options for some classes I've wanted to take, visit various meetings around town, build clientele, and decide what I want to do. When I put it that way, it sounds like a lot of self-love and time a lot of people wish they could take for these things. So I will hold on to that. As always, one day at a time..
Love to all, light to all
me.
