Almost three weeks later...

I am still here :) I would say week 2 in the bay, but it feels like I've been here much longer! I have had my emotional moments, my culture shock, sticker shock, whoa moments, but I feel I am adapting...
I came out here at a great time, I was able to experience my first big Pride. Words cannot describe it. I've never seen so many people so happy to just be existing in one space, all like minded, all filled with LOVE. (At this point, if you need to google Pride, go ahead) There were more people than I am usually comfortable being around, but well worth it. The only thing I can compare it to is International friends of bill conference, but a lot more pink and rainbows ha. I also learned that nudity is decriminalized in SF. Eek. This small town girl got her eyes full! I do think it should be illegal for hairy old men- gross. But whatever.
So this was my week in a nutshell- a lot of work, an injury Monday, fought off a cold all week (I won- thank you EmergenC!), then Pride. I started the festivities by volunteering and hanging with BAAITS (Bay Area American Indian Two Spirit) on Friday night and we watched the tranny march from the 4th floor patio of the SF LGBT community center. Amazing!
Yesterday, I divided my time between a pow wow in Richmond, and Pink Saturday at Delores Park. I only got to help set up at pow wow and would have liked to stay all day. The great thing about being here is we have them all the time! I always felt I was missing that part of my culture in previous cities I lived in. Here, I get to connect and embrace my roots (as we all should!) After set up, and fry bread of course, I went over to pink Saturday. It was almost too much to handle, but I quickly found some friends and watched the march from church and 16th. I did video the dykes on bikes, but my iPhone went stupid :( I'm sure I can find it on YouTube. Goal next year- find a dyke and ride on her bike. I've been told I am cute enough to make this happen.
Today, was the big parade. I have never walked in a parade like this. What's awesome is I walked with BAAITS. We had elders in dress walking with us and many in the crowd appreciated our presence. The best part is our grand Marshall is natives, and we were near the very beginning of the parade (#9 out of like 199) which we greatly appreciate as a group. Goal next year- a float for NAHC and BAAITS- we could make it a community event for our 2Spirit work! (More about the work I do later)
I also wanted to go in to a whole other discussion now about macro insults and micro insults, but I will save that for another time. Basically, I had the opportunity to educate some people in the SF ROTC contingency about dressing as natives and booty dancing... They are not native and it was not a representation I appreciated. But I did my part by letting them know, and they apologized. I did tell them we weren't attacking or angry, just wanted to educate. I will write more on that later, as I am still learning.
I also have more to share about work and culture, but basically- I am so blessed to be here.
Oh, I was questioning whether I truly belonged here just because a series of unfortunate events occurred and I was frustrated. However, I met with the medicine man Friday and he confirmed what I already knew- the Universe has seen fit that I end up here, I am right where I belong. How many people get to work in areas they are 100% passionate about, all while learning more about heritage, and connecting to amazing people? That is simply a gift, and I am grateful to accept it.
I have so much more to say, but time for Sunday chores so I can start the week off right! Excuse any grammatical or structural errors, using iPad app and being lazy :)
Love to all, light to all
DBear

My First Week in the "other" Bay Area...

... Definitely not the Tampa Bay Area! It hardly seems like it has only been a week since arriving in the SF Bay Area. Maybe because it has been two weeks since I left Florida. Or maybe because I have hit the ground running. Who knows? I arrived in Oakland last Wednesday, moved in to my temporary residence Thursday, and started work Monday. I use the term "moved in" loosely because I am not quite moved in, nor will I be until I find a more permanent place in September. Moving sucks. So keeps as many boxes packed as necessary is my goal.
I should also mention I am not sure what actual city I live in... Google says Oakland, Bing calls it Emeryville. Mail can be sent to either city and it comes here. This part of the Bay Area is strange like that... you go one block left, you are in Emeryville. A few blocks to the right, you get Berkeley. I can tell which city I am in at any given moment by the color of the street signs. Emeryville is blue, Berk is brown, Oaktown is green (I think). Our signs say Oakland. The USPS and some utility companies say Emeryville. Just a little odd note I wanted to mention.
So far, I have been in to "the city" (SF) two or three times? I have seen a friend from back home (Tally) a few times, and had several home cooked meals by friends. I love that. Move to a brand new city, make instant friends, or randomly have a friend from Tally show up because she has job interviews here. Awesome! I have also fallen in love with a 4 year old named Jacia and her mom, Cassie. They are a great family and I am glad to be included in their ventures.
The bulk of my adventures here so far have been work related or transportation related. I have learned what shoes are not going to work for work, and to pay attention when I get on a train. That last part is very important. I ended up at the end of the BART line (Fremont) when I needed to go 20 mins away to San Francisco. Oops! Glad my colleagues are understanding, and realize this Florida girl is definitely not in Florida anymore.
My job is beyond great. It is a big change for me because I have coworkers and supervisors who are all about empowering each other to make decisions on projects. This is much different than the land of academia. I was blessed with a great professor my last year or so of GAship, but it is still much different in this type of setting. It's difficult at times because I feel like I need to constantly ask if I can do this or that, for direction in general, etc.... when really, I can just do. As long as it is in line with our values and mission as an organization. Which is another thing... How wonderful is it to work for an organization that shares such vision. To have like-minded colleagues and community members. I can't say enough about that. Refreshing. I just have to stop doubting myself and realize I wouldn't be here if it wasn't my purpose and passion.
I am sure I am missing a lot about my first week here, but I am beyond tired. My body hasn't decided to fully adjust yet, so I am not sleeping as I should be. That will come. There is also a lot of excitement about being here, mixed with fear and anxiety, but that will pass.
Over the next few months, I do need to decide where I will ultimately settle. There are many pros to the East Bay... one major pro is it is much quieter than the city, and there are numerous nature spots right out my back door. I also have to consider my headquarters is in the East Bay. While I will be going in to the city to meet with other project staff, my office is here. Then, there is the financial piece. Everywhere is expensive here. Completely expensive. The food is cheap (thank you, Trader Joes and Berkeley Bowl) but the housing and transportation are outrageous. Go across the bridge and it is even more outrageous. I do love the city though. Luckily, I do not have to make that decision tonight, but it will be on my mind this summer as finding housing can be a lengthy process too.
For tonight, I am grateful to be here, extremely proud to be part of such an awesome community and the NAHC, and happy I made it here in one piece :) I am also grateful my China is adjusting better than I am. That's most important :)
Love to all, light to all,
DBear

Road trippin- the whole story

So I am finally taking time to write about the logistics of this road trip. I had to rest up enough to put together two thoughts with any amount of clarity.
We started in Florida, and decided to go up to Memphis and do the I-40W route to get to Arizona. Mainly because I wanted to see a good friend in Oxford, MS, and that was on the way to Memphis (kind of)- then I also had to see Arizona.
The original plan was a full day in Sedona and a full day in the Grand Canyon, then go up to Vegas and then Oakland. That changed. We were tired, I am still tired. We spent one day doing both places in Arizona (that makes for one very long day), and then decided to head to Sequoia National Park on the way to Oakland. That stop wasn't terribly far out of the way. Between all of these places, I must go back and hike in Sedona and Sequoia. Slide Rock Park in Sedona and Lodge Pole Campground in Sequoia. I think those are the names... The beauty of being on this coast is I can go back.
I should back track and say between Memphis and Arizona, there wasn't much I was able to see because we did mostly night driving. I wanted to see the Ozarks, but need to be considerate of my driving mate (step dad) and realize that if I stopped to see it all, I would never get to my new home. I did see a lot of Oklahoma and enjoyed that more than I expected. We only had to drive through 200 or so miles of Texas so that was awesome.
My favorite drive was through Albequerque, the night lights are gorgeous. My favorite day drive is Arizona of course. Beyond beautiful.
I will be honest here and say this long a drive came with consequences. I almost hit a deer on one of my night drives, and nearly had a panic attack... this is not good when driving a 16 footer and towing a car via flatbed tow. Slamming on brakes can flip those easily, so we are blessed to be alive. The other incident occurred in Arizona. We drove the CRV through our stops and stumbled upon a nail somewhere along the way. The tire was patched and we were back on our way. The next incident (the scariest) occurred near Fresno, in a city named Visalia. As I was driving, the road shifted and the truck started shaking. This happened a lot because well, it's a big freaking truck. But then I heard sputtering and smelled rubber... yes, blown tire. I am not sure how I managed to calmly pull over, but again, we are fortunate to be alive.
Back to the logistics of the trip... Other than our designated stops, there were many stops at travel centers and I have a new found love for the ease of these centers. Shower, laundry, food, etc., a lot cheaper than hotels! We did get tired of this and the last two nights on the road were spent in hotels.
By far, the most noteworthy part of our adventure was our last night on the road. We managed to get all the way to Tracy, Ca (an hour from Oakland) without having to back up. That's apparently the worst thing you can do when towing a car. Well, we pull in to the hotel thinking the parking lot wraps all the way around and it does not. After 15 tries, 15 near jack-knifes, and a lot of expletives, my dad finally asks for help. Who does he ask? The three guys partying it up with a case of beer in the parking lot. Of course. One has a class A license. Of course. I am sure these guys are still talking about us, as this seemed to be the highlight of their week. After about a 35-point turn, and a lot of excitement, we were safely parked for the night. The next day, we dropped the trailer in Oakland, and then finally took the truck back today. What day is it?
Goodness, I am more tired after writing this all. I am sure there is more I will recall after loading pictures and such, but for now, I am grateful to be nearly settled in Oakland. At least the truck is unloaded and back to Budget. I am still slightly resentful that the tire blew and the gas was 11 miles to the gallon. Suggestion- do more research before deciding what company to use, if you must rent a truck and do it yourself. I would say use a company, but only for things that you do not mind being damaged or lost. At least this way, I know my sentimentals are safe. I may not be able to find everything right now (that's a whole other blog... my need to have everything in it's "right place") but my things are with me.
One final note- traveling with China. I am fortunate she is such an easy cat. She literally did zero kvetching throughout this whole road trip, which is more to say for myself. (Sorry for yelling at you Jon, when driving through the dust storm! Okay, and a few other times) Back to China, she would hang in the CRV when it was cool enough, ride with us other times, sleep with us, eat when she wanted, the litter did get stinky, but it all worked out. She is now happily enjoying the pillow top bed as a queen should be, waiting for me to join. Goodnight :)

I have arrived!

My first day in East Bay has been great. I am not sure why people say Oakland is so bad. I am living on the Oakland/Berkeley border and like my neighborhood so far. I will explore more with my roomies this weekend. It isn't as walkable as SF, but I can bike to the BART in about 5 mins and take that in to work every day.
The neighborhood I work in is the type people are probably thinking of when they get that wide-eyed "you are moving where?!" look. Honestly, I do not feel unsafe. However, it is day 1, and I have had moments of questioning if moving here over SF was the right choice. I have 3 months to figure out where I want to settle, so I am sure more will be revealed. I am simply grateful I arrived safely.
The road trip blog will be posted after I arrange my notes and details. I can definitely offer tons of suggestions on what not to do :)
I start work on Monday and am beyond exciting for this opportunity. The way I see it is if so many things fell in to place after simply meeting a stranger on a bus while vacationing in SF just three months ago, then there is nothing to worry about. Clearly, I have a huge HP, always has my back. Even when I do not see the whole stair case, I can take the first step knowing that powerful fact.
I do miss my mom terribly and am hoping she will retire out west when the time comes. It is ironic that so many years are spent detesting your parents, and then they become your closest friends. I am blessed. I did arrive to a card from her and PBear mail from my Bear. Not sure I know many people who can say they get two hand written letters on their first day 3,000 miles from "home".
I've thought a lot about an old trusted friend, Paul, this week so I will end with a Paulism... "what is there not to love?"
More blogs to follow, hope you continue to follow as well. Love to all, light to all
DB

Road tripping....

Well, not even half way there, and I understand why people say your patience will be tested and you and your driving mate will hate each other halfway through. It's difficult when two people are trying to run the show. We had our first mini spat this morning, but seem to be working through it. I am thinking this will be a good bonding experience for me and "dad"... if we don't kill each other first.
So far, the details of the trip haven't been that eventful, as we are doing a lot of night driving. There are things I wanted to see (Ozarks), but could not due to timing.
The highlight of this journey so far was our stop in Oxford, MS to see my Spons. She welcomed us with a whole gaggle of our friends, cooked breakfast for us, let us rest and shower, showed me Ole Miss, and just a great visit in general.
I planned the route around that stop, which is why there isn't much to report from the road as of yet. We have been through FL, AL, MS, TN (for 5 mins), AR, and are now driving through Oklahoma. I love OK so far, surrounded by the Spirits of my Ancestors. I look forward to seeing the state since we are now on day driving. We have about 14 hours to go before Flagstaff, so we may or may not stop in New Mexico. I would love to, but we need to get to Flagstaff by tomorrow so we can see Grand Canyon and Sedona (my choice), and get to Oakland by Wednesday.
Logistics of driving has been the most interesting (and somewhat terrifying) part of this whole experience. I am guessing that if I can drive a 16 footer and tow my CRV on a flatbed, I can drive nearly anything. The biggest scare was last night- us vs. deer. I had to slam on breaks, which is really a bad idea... I thought for sure we would flip. Or at least lose the CRV off the flatbed. Neither happened, thank God. There was a very nice man who witnessed the whole deal and happened to stop at the same rest stop as us 50 miles later. He has spent years doing cross country drives, and suggested we definitely stay at 55 or below. He has seen far too many flip. So that was a nice thought. LOL. He was saying it with good intention, I am sure.
Another highlight of the trip was last night, getting to skype "home" to the best group of people I know. I was "supposed" to actually leave after visiting them last night, so I skyped in instead.
The timing could not have been better, as I had just received word my Gma was put in hospital. She never gets sick, other than her dementia. Ever. But they say she had a stroke. Now I see why I had to leave early, why mom could not come, etc. etc. If we had not left early, I would still be in Tally with Gma. Grateful mom is there with her.
This is probably the most boring blog I have written thus far, but it is early, I am still not fully awake, and it was time to update on the road trip.
Fly.

The hometown goodbye

Today was possibly the most emotional day of this move so far. I knew it would be. I made a 12 or so hour stop in Tallahassee to sleep and rest for a bit, along with saying some goodbyes. I didn't realize it would be so sad. I am sure part of the reason it was so emotional is because I had about 2 hours of sleep in 2 days (I have since added 5 hours to that amount of sleep)... and the other part is just sadness over knowing it is time to leave this coast, but wishing some could come with me.
The hardest goodbye, other than my mother, was my soul sista. This was a much needed in-person goodbye, yet unexpected as it has been quite some time since we have seen each other, and she is not good at the goodbye thing. It was healing for me, but was followed by a lot of pain and harm to myself. One, my own emotions. Two, the harm coming from a third party who decided to verbally attack me an hour before I was set to leave town. Apparently, the soul sista and I needed permission to speak. Yes, I am being serious. It was so hurtful, and honestly shocking, way past left field. It does not deserve further mention or attention, but I will say I am confident I did the right thing for us both, and I am assured I am an "amazing woman" as the soul sista put it. Thank you for that. We are GAWW :)
I do not wish to blog about the rest of the goodbyes because they are all see you laters anyway, and I am already missing my mom and worried about her. I am blessed to be best friends with my mother. Truly. I did not see my biological father, and did not expect to. Nor did I see Bear, but we connect all the time, regardless of distance and space. I am blessed.
So my lesson from my 12 hours in my hometown is this. No matter how kind, loving, or honest my intention, there will always be those who find fault. Be true to myself anyway. Continue giving and loving, no matter what. Assumptions make people look like fools, and cause a lot of harm when followed up with assault. Carry the memories that make me truly happy, stay connected with those who I wouldn't want to live without, forget those who have hatred in their soul towards me. After all, life is about nurture and growth. If we can't do that, what are we doing?
I know for me, I am flying... one chapter in my life is closing, another is opening, part of that is in the goodbyes, but the focal point of this journey is in the Fly Butterfly Fly.

And the journey begins...

So here it is, time to leave... I never knew this would be my destiny, part of my journey anyhow. I have posted all over my typical social forum about this day, my move, etc., but have decided I will return to blogging once more... it is simply time. Besides, how often will one get this opportunity.. to take a cross country road trip, see all of the places I have dreamed of seeing, move to the city I fell in love with, the coast I have dreamed of living my life on, wow... it's almost too much to take in at times. But it really is all happening. Because I met a girl on a bus. You will have to refer to one of my blogs from the month of March to understand that. Long story short, I was visiting the city my of my heart, was on a bus on a day I was "supposed to be" hiking, struck up a conversation with a stranger (I do that... a lot) who allowed me to follow her to her workplace because it was right by the Native American AIDS Project... and I wanted to meet the people of this place. I wanted to see their work. From there, I go to the Native American Health Center... volunteer for a few days, meet the staff, go to beading in Oakland a couple of days later, meet the staff, and here I am... moving there for a job at the center. A job I never dreamed could or would be mine. In a place I never dreamed possible to call home. There is more to the story, but that is the not-so-short short version..
I will skip the grueling details of the logistics of moving. Or maybe save those for another day. Let me just say in one word... stress. I worked up until the day before my move (yesterday), went nearly crazy over everything being out of sorts, had to let go of a LOT, literally and figuratively, had some expectations turn in to resentments, which led to more letting go, and here I am finally on the road. Bonding with my dad. (Step dad, but I recently began calling him dad). And driving a "big rig" for the first time in my life. Not while I type.. promise. And big rig is a bit of an exaggeration. It's a 16 footer with my car in tow, but still. And yes, my China Queen fits perfectly in the middle.
So blogosphere, it's me, dad, and China. I will be blogging from the road, beginning my novel (finally), working on my photography, and enjoying the ride. What is there not to love?

Pondering you, pondering me

Do you think of me? I think of you too... when I hear a song, read a poem, come across a photo, remembering times gone by... times where we could just be... we were great, we were toxic, I choose the good.. the times that we could allow each other just to be.. no tug of war, just intimate connections between friends, no push, no pull, we could just be. Your secrets, my questions, my secrets, your wisdom, we could just be free... I wonder, do you think of me? Months have gone by, I'm finally starting to really fly, how I wish you could see, how I wish we could be, I wonder... do you think of me?

A letter to all daughters taking care of their mothers

Every day, there are countless adult children who care for their elderly parents. It takes a special person to do such, especially when their parents have Alzheimers, a disease that steals precious moments of mental clarity and leads the parent to become someone they never were. This mothers day, I witnessed this more than ever before as the progression of my grandmother's disease is rapidly taking her from us, more and more each day. I decided to write a letter to my mother, as if my grandmother was the author.

Dear daughter-
Today, I want to thank you. I want to acknowledge the gift you are in my life, as you have become a mother to me in recent years. I know this disease I have has caused me to be mean to you while I also depend on you for my every day needs. You work full time, feed me, clothe me, help me bathe and dress, care for me in every way possible, and have to handle the sadness that comes with me not being mentally here. I wish it were different. I wish I wasn't so difficult. Please know I do not intend to hurt you when I say mean things or express my dissatisfaction with the job you are doing. It is quite the opposite, you are doing the best job anyone could, you at here, and take care of me. I'm sure this is not what you envisioned for the later years of my life, and the retirement years of your life. I thank you and am eternally grateful. I do have the best daughter in the world and want you to know that this mothers day, and always. I love you.

Mom

I don't know...

Somehow, life has a way of changing us without us even noticing it until the change has occurred. This has what has been happening to me.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am typically a planner. I like order. I like structure. Most importantly, I like to know exactly what is happening, when it is happening, and I must plan accordingly. Call it control, call it obsessive, call it what you like. It has been a staple in my life.
However, things have now changed. Without any control of my own (clearly), I have become this "I don't know" girl.
Example: "Carla, when are you going to California?" "Where will you live?" "What will you do with your condo?" "How long will you be there?" "Are you going to move permanently?" All of these questions, all I can say is I don't know.
Two weeks ago, there were a lot more "I don't knows" than this, but it has been the same clueless wandering through life for about a month. Very little planning or knowing, just going with it all. This part doesn't shock me the most. The part that shocks me the most is that I am generally calm when answering such questions. Maybe because I have to be. Maybe because I've changed. Maybe HP doing for me what I cannot do for myself.
My bet is on the latter.
So, readers, enter a more relaxed, laid back, go with the flow kind of Carla. Will I go back to my rigid ways one day? I don't know. And I accept that today. For this, I am grateful.

A Lesson in Genuine Humility

I have been tasked with an assignment that makes me more than a little uncomfortable- writing a letter of recommendation for myself. (This may not seem like a big deal to most, but apparently it's blogworthy. After nearly a month of bloglessness, this is saying something.)

Apparently, this task is assigned by many professors to those of us asking for reference letters. I am sure there is a lesson here in self-appraisal and confidence, but for me... it's just a big cluster of uneasiness.

I am realizing that somewhere along the line, I adopted this belief about saying nice things about myself... that is was wrong, conceited, grandiose, or would make me a braggart. Maybe it was because I was picked on for being in gifted classes as a child, maybe it's because I had low self esteem, maybe it's something I thought I heard in a sermon at church, or maybe it's a core belief?

Either way, I find myself struggling with a blank word document and questions of self-worth, self appraisal, what's acceptable to write without sounding like I think the world of myself, yet giving myself an honest review of jobs well done. Granted, nobody will know that I actually wrote the letter and sent it to the recommender for editing and a signature... but still... It's a lot of dis-ease. It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

Aha, there's my lesson. Just when I think I am reaching what I feel to be genuine humility- that is, not thinking less of myself or more of myself, just seeing myself as I truly am- I realize I am nowhere near reaching this point. Character building.

Journey to my destiny...

Has it only been three days since my last post? So much has happened, where do I begin? Well, the rain came. I am grateful for the 5 days I got here without rain... very nice. And I am grateful for the rain. Why? Because it may be what just changed my life. Allow me to explain...
I was going hiking Wednesday and yesterday (Thursday). Instead, I ended up on the MUNI Wednesday morning, heading somewhere... maybe the museum? Maybe Nob Hill? I cannot recall. I ended up talking to a nice lady about my life and direction and what I am doing in the city, how I hope to move here one day. She asked what I hope to do, and I gave her a board overview of my interests, mostly about Native American Health. She says "you know the Native American AIDS Project is right by my job?" I said, "well, no, I didn't know... can I follow you?" So off I go, to work with this lady, she drops me off downstairs at NAP (Native AIDS Project.) I walk in, a bit nervous, thinking they are going to question this white girl walking in. I have tribal affiliation, yes, but I look VERY white-girl. However, it was quite the opposite. It was a connection of the souls upon first meeting. This very gentle woman, Gayle, would end up helping me tremendously today. But back to Wednesday...
I walk in, explain who I am, who I work with, and what I hope to do... the center instantly knows some of the professors I have learned from, one in particular who was recently lecturing at my College and gave us much wisdom and guidance. I now see how my meeting with one woman from the state of Washington (met her in Tampa) is now connecting me to a group of people here in California. I love that. Back to my day- I meet the director of NAP, and a case manager from the Native American Health Center, Laura. She lets me follow her back to her office. I go there and meet other people and spend the rest of the day volunteering. Yesterday, I go back to that center, participate in an amazing talking circle, attend a graduation at the Friendship House (Treatment Center), and speak with the director of the SF health center, along with being asked for my resume.
Then comes today... I was invited by Gayle (remember her?) to Oakland for beading circle. Let me say, I am not a beader, and after today- I do not know that I will be a beader until I learn more patience. But it was an experience. And I am grateful.
After beading, Gayle asks if I have time to meet with a project director and go upstairs to the media center. It turns out this health center in Oakland has state of the art workings of everything I am in to- photovoice, digital storytelling, community based participatory research, all with natives! PERFECT! I believe walking up those stairs was love at first sight... with my future.
I do not wish to speak too soon on the other details of where these random encounters are leading... but there will be many big changes in the near future for me. I am completely honored, humbled, and grateful to the Spirit of the Universe for these connections, this fate, my destiny.
It appears listening to that inner voice, following that guide, and yes, talking to "strangers" all pay off in the long run... from going to a meeting I wasn't feeling up to attending months ago in Tampa, to quitting one appointment at USF which gave me more time to spend in my current appointment, to refraining from hiking in the rain, to following a stranger off the bus, to following a new friend, volunteering, to waking up and going to Oakland when it was raining and I was tired... many, many more, but you get the idea.
Grateful heart
DBear

Land's End... where my world began...

I have no clue what day this is... 5, 6, I lost count at 3... This city has completed me. I don't know where I left off, what to catch up on, I just know I've found my heart, my city, this is the one... Have you felt that way? Where you stepped in to your dreams, knew it's where you belonged, the city by the bay....

Ahh, Still loving San Francisco. I think the highlight of the trip so far has been Land's End. Golden Gate Park is amazing as well, I'm only two blocks from there... I was able to get some wonderful shots of nature at her finest, Mother Earth is so good to me... At Land's End, I met a photographer friend... we climbed in to the restricted zone and took more beautiful shots. I did not know her, do not know her name, but our souls were the same... we are both completely and utterly in love with this city, the city by the bay. Later, we parted ways, I went to hike solo, the way I typically like it. I feel like I could trek the coastal trail for days, sit at Land's End and write, write, write, shoot, shoot, shoot (photos, that is)... live life this way.

My other high lights included Castro.. there are no words. The openness and acceptance of all things queer is truly beautiful. The city where people let others be who they are, no judgment, no hostility, just let people be.

Next was China Town... could have taken it or left it... it took an umbrella, a sweater, and money from me on that day. (The umbrella and sweater were lost, the money was willingly given up for sweet gifts and goods to send home)

The food in this city gets better with each meal. I wondered how people were not obese here... then I walked about 38 miles in 5 days.. that's how :) Up hill, down hill, morning, noon, and night... I wouldn't change it for the world, the city is completely pleasing with all of it's sights.

There's so much more to share, I'll save for another day, for now I will get back to enjoying the city by the bay..

Day 3- She loves to laugh, she loves to sing, she does everything...

Yes, I think Journey's songs are about me. I have kept my iPod on their playlist this trip, as it just seems right. I can feel the passion as I walk through the beautiful streets of this city by the bay. Passion isn't a strong enough word. I belong here. More on that in another blog...
Today's recap... I started out making a left out of the drive way instead of a right... I confused directions to Moraga steps (10 blocks that way) with the direction of the Golden Gate park (2 blocks the other way). I walked "that way" and when I got about 5 blocks in, I realized that could not be right. Un-luckily for me, this whole trek was up a massively steep hill. Luckily for me, I eventually took a rest and went to an amazing place called Donut World for a ham and cheese croissant. Amazing. The ham and cheese was baked in to the croissant... I guess that's how a "real" one is made. After that, I found a group of friends for an hour (my FOB know what I mean...) Going to see more of them in Castro tomorrow.
I finally made it to Golden Gate, but only strolled through the botanical gardens and over to de Young. Good thing I am only two blocks away, I can go back when my feet are not dying. Speaking of which, I have walked 32,355 steps, translating in to 12.7 miles. That's insane. But worth every single step. 
My reward came in the form of this place called relaxed feet. At first, I thought it was no big deal, maybe a nice foot rub with a chair massage. I surely underestimated this. It was a mix between reflexology, a pedicure, and a fully-clothed full body massage. For only $25 an hour. Literally heaven for my tired body. 
Try it.
There's more to tell and pictures to load, but more will come in time. For now, I will sleep. (Speaking of which, I have been sleeping like I've never slept before- going right to sleep, not waking up with ear pain, feeling rested- Amazing. Truly.)
FLY <3

Day 2- And the sun shines on the bay...

Today, I learned the priceless value of google maps on the iPhone. For about a week before making my pilgrimage, I was worrying about the transportation, from the Bart to the Muni to the CalTrain to aggghhhh. (Originally, I thought San Francisco only had a transit system known as Bart. When I realized there was more than this Bart thing, I panicked). Luckily for me, I have a smart phone that is actually living up to it’s smartness. Who knew you could hit the little “bus” in between the walking man and the car, and poof, here are your exact routes, walking distance to such routes, updated departure times, etc. Yes, I have happily received this manna from Heaven and will be utilizing this throughout my trip to SF. I am definitely not in Florida anymore, where the only method of transportation is car.

So I began my day in awe of google maps, and my awe continued in to the ease of mass transit, the beauty of every part of this city, the eclectic-ness of this city, friendliness of residents and (most) tourists, and so on. I did miss my stop once on the Muni, luckily the next stop was only a ¼ mile from where I intended to go. This was at Pier 33 and Pier 39. I arrived at Pier 39 and decided to take some lovely pictures while there as well as pick up my City Pass. Another fabulous feature of my journey: City Pass… It gives me 7 days on Muni, entrance to 5 museums, and a bay cruise for only $63 (usually $69, but discounted rate because I have a citi card). I have yet to go to the museums or cruise, but I did visit Alcatraz today and came back to stroll Pier 39. I cannot even explain how cool both are. I enjoyed Pier 39 more than Alcatraz. I will definitely go for a return visit.

After 7 hours, 13,760 steps, 5.30 miles, I was ready to return to Inner Sunset. Instead, a friend and former supervisor took me to dinner (I would not take this back at all, worth every bit of time and distance). We went to what is known as the best Thai food in SF. Surely, I have nothing to compare this to, but Koh Samui & The Monkey is the best Thai place I have been to in my life. Highly recommended to all. I had scallops with bak choy, yellow curry, sticky rice… NOM. Amazing.

Speaking of food, I did not have the pleasure of writing about last night’s meal, my first in San Francisco. (That is one thing about this journey, there will be much talk of food… it’s definitely a foodie city… actually, I could write a whole blog on this alone) Last night’s fine dining was Park Chow. Biano pizza—white pizza, sunchokes, cauliflower, leeks, oh my. That wasn’t even the best part. Yes, you guessed it, dessert! I was curious about this ginger cake. It sounded odd, but the pumpkin ice cream on the side drew my attention. It was like ginger bread, but almost fried, with crispy edges, pumpkin ice cream, whipped cream, and caramel sauce. Whoa. Best dessert I can recall ever having. In my life. (Sorry, mom, you’re cooking/baking is great, but whoa) So that was my first night and San Francisco. And tonight was my second. Definitely the best city for all things food.

Also, the best city for photography, more on that later. For now, I am going to soak my soreness, and have a movie night with friends.

Day 2- a success. 

Journey to my heart, Day 1

Getting to San Francisco was definitely quite the journey. I realized I only had an hour layover the at Dulles (DC), so I happily paid the $39 to upgrade to a seat closer to the exit lane of the airplane. Little did I know that the hour layover I thought I would have turned in to a 2 minute layover. The whole flight was filled with tense people who all had connecting flights leaving less than 20 minutes after our approximate landing time. The poor flight attendants. Luckily, I have a way of persuading people to do what I want/need them to do… more on that later. So far, I have met a very sweet elderly lady who is visiting her brother and family in DC (she lives in Tampa), a family of five from plantation Florida… all of the kids are foster or adopted (their destination is Adriondaks), a very chatty retiree from Crystal River who is headed to visit her daughter and grandbabies in upstate NY, and the coolest flight attendant named Omar… I will call him Ernesto, don’t ask me why… maybe because he looks like an Ernesto? 

Those who know me know I never meet a stranger. This has proven to be true for this trip as well. Ernesto treated me to first class service, including the meal they give to first class travelers (I was flying in Economy Plus… United Air… highly recommended IF you MUST fly United!), and he kept checking on me to make sure I was okay. He also asked me numerous times if I wanted free drinks. At first, I thought he meant diet coke or water. Then, I remembered… normal people drink. He said “no rum? What about wine? Vodka?” handed me a whole bottle of each as I was eating my meal in the flight attendant’s quarters. Grateful I stayed sober, as I needed every bit of clarity to make my connecting flight. 

Speaking of clarity, it helped immensely... Let me go back to my point of persuasion persuasion… I went to each and every person sitting on the front row until I found one who did not mind trading with me upon descending. She was a large woman, needed the room, but was happy to oblige. I then was able to use the flight attendent’s space to store my luggage and make my get-away upon landing. (During this time, I also met another woman taking her family to Rome via Munich… she works in the medical field; and a nice gentleman who is a healthcare consultant for a private firm) I love meeting new people. Clearly. 

Upon landing, I made my getaway… luckily, the boarding gate for San Francisco was directly next to the arrival gate from Tampa… Whew! When I got there, I was none too pleased. My seat had been given away, and all overhead storage space was being utilized. I received a free checked bag, and promptly had the individual removed from my aisle seat… after all, I am claustrophobic and need the room. So here I am, in the sky, waiting for SF… 5 hours to go. Looking forward to an amazing 10 days.

Fly

I must add an addendum... 

Upon finally arriving in San Francisco, I automatically breathed this breath of relief, inexplicable peace, and felt this instant "I am home" feeling.... before I even reached baggage claim. I have never felt such, and am soaking it up... More to come in the days that follow...

P.S. If you are ever at "Park Chow" in SF, do yourself the most amazing treat with the Ginger Cake (comes with pumpkin ice cream and caramel). I know, it sounds odd, but it's the best dessert I've ever tasted... and I have a devlish sweet tooth at times. Do it.

Mirror, Mirror.... NEDAwareness Week, Day 2

Today is day 2 of NEDA Week. For those who do not know what this refers to, it is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. This is such an important week because eating disorders are so stigmatized in our society. This week is not only for the suffering, recovery, family members, friends, or treatment communities, it is also for our kids and their kids... Kids growing up with more and more cruelty and hostility, more demands to be thin, prettier, fit in. There are far more avenues these days for self esteem to be further trampled. There's social networking sites, pages dedicated to bullying others and discussing imperfections in others' bodies. There are now You Tube videos titled "Do you think I'm pretty?" Basing body image on societal ideals is only one small part of an eating disorder, but it's seemingly out of control these days. So the more we talk about it, raise awareness, let girls (and boys) know that they are not alone, the closer we will be to eliminating eating disorders. My small part today is to share a poem... a poem about the struggle of seeing clearly... seeing the physical self in truth, and not what the brain may tell one s/he looks like.... I have written numerous poems on this topic, but only have one or two that I have been able to locate. Hopefully, I can post a little all week.

Mirror mirror on the wall

Why am I the ugliest of them all?

They say I'm pretty, I still don't see..

Mirror, mirror why do you lie to me?

It's been a while now, thought we were  becoming friends

Yet I'm sinking deeper and deeper, constantly checking you mirror, wishing this would end

They say I'm disappearing, getting way too thin

Yet I consult you mirror, you lie to me again. 

Again and again, we come face to face, it isn't getting any clearer, I'm full of self hate

Mirror mirror full of lies

I now come to you and cry

Can't you show me something different or has it been me the whole time? Was it you mirror, or my own self that really lied?

I must turn away now. I need to look within. 

I'm becoming stronger mirror, this dance can finally end. 

The checking, the disgust, the starving... to live within my own skin. 

It's no longer necessary, I'm finally my own friend.

Carla McClellan 2012 ©

What would you do....

This weekend, I was given the great honor of having brunch with one of my favorite mentors, Dr. Soldani, and her daughter, Zoe. Doc has recently achieved one of my life's goals- to write, and publish, a book. Not a text book, not something for the world of academia, but a piece of work based on a promise to a former student and her love of life. Although I should be studying for boards, working, and preparing abstracts for conferences, I cannot put this book down. I will not give all of it away, but one part struck me especially deep.
She is standing in front of a new class of students and asks what they would be doing if they won the lottery. (Granted, I was hoping I would win the $336 million powerball, so I was already contemplating this question) One student said "I wouldn't be here!" Doc, in her amazingly exciting passionate voice, says "Oh no! I don't wish that for you! I want you to be happy, now and always, like I am!"
So that had me thinking about the things I would do if money were no object, if I was truly following my passion. Some of these things I already do- travel when I have the chance (and money), learn everything I can learn about every topic I am interested in, contribute to the field of research in behavioral health, serve on task forces, give back to the community, write as often as possible, love as much as possible, etc. Yet I fall short on many of these tasks. I do not go to all the places I would like to go, because that wouldn't be feasible. I do not write as often as I would like because I find excuses- some are plausible, like I have an assignment to turn in; some are flat out crap- I don't feel enough inspiration. The truth is the inspiration is always there if I only sit still enough to let it fill me, let it flow.
So what then would I do if I won the lottery? How would my life change? For one, I would not let fear hold me back from my dreams. Yes, I would finish my education, but I would apply to schools and move to cities I know I cannot afford for my PhD. I would not hesitate to move to the places I feel would help me reach the goals I have in mind. I would take classes for fun- photography, art, writing, acting. I would still work, but part time, until I feel I have learned enough to make the biggest difference possible in others lives. People who do not feel loved, worthy, deserving of good things; people who have had to go through horrible experiences and do not have the support I have been given; people who feel like giving up. Whether I help them through art, poetry, music, counseling, speaking, whatever it may be- I would learn as much as I can, practice as much as I can, and do as much as I can to reach those people. And, of course, I would build my mom the biggest house she would like, which wouldn't be big at all knowing her, but it would have a giant kitchen :)

P.S. If you have not purchased "Marvin's Book" by M. Soldani-Lemon, do it! You will not be disappointed

Girl in turmoil...

Once upon a time, on a past blog, I had a segment called "6 minute poetry"... unedited, untamed, six minutes to write... this would go in that segment today... (except this one would be 3 minute poetry)

She calls weeping, lost, afraid, she’s gone back again, banging her head against the same wall, time after time… each time she returns, she loses a little more of herself. Her self worth, her esteem, she must escape, she screams. How can she let go? How will she walk away? She’s never been so close to another, it’s her safety net, she wants to stay. Yet staying is killing her. Killing everything she loves about herself, everything she knows. Her heart is so broken, she has lost her inner glow. I tell her she is worth so much more. She cannot stay and be free. She deserves so much more. When will she see? We are all on this journey together, some for a reason, some for a season. Take the lessons and learn, walk away, you must try. If you don’t give yourself this chance, you will never learn to fly…

A note of gratitude

How blessed am I... I didn't even know, until I went through a place of such despair that all I can see is my blessings through the pain. A couple of days ago, I lost my best friend, the feeling is like a death. In all reality, I lost her long ago, but the final stake to the heart occurred night before last. I stayed up until 4am crying, went to sleep, up again at 8am... During this time, I texted, I called, I wrote, and within just a few hours, I had friends surrounding me. Friends calling, sending funny pictures, cheering me up, asking me to hang out... I didn't even have to explain the situation, they were just here. They are here. All I said is grieving a loss, and they all surround me with this blanket of love. The pain is still so thick I can barely breathe. I will not discuss the details, but I will say this has been an ongoing thing... on again, off again, for years. Yet, this friend was a permanent fixture in my life.. a daily confidant. And she's gone. With no goodbye, no closure, just an abrupt disappearance. You can imagine the pain. Yet through the pain, I have been able to write, connect, soak up the love. I can barely focus on work and school, but I can appreciate the connections I have... the friends who are truly friends and who truly love me for me. Thank you. You know who you are. Love, Me.

Spinning plates...

I love when I get in these spots... (insert sarcasm with the word love) the spots where I have so many tasks on my to-do list, so many commitments on my plate, that I just freeze and do nothing. Balance. Will I ever get it? 

I already know a few things about myself that are very important: 

1.) I have to stay busy, I just do. Originally, it was "stay busy or go crazy" today it is more of a life satisfaction thing... full life = happy heart 

2.) I also have to have one day a week reserved for nothing. Not one day where it is nothing because I freeze from so much to do; one day a week of relaxation and "me" time. 

3.) I work well under pressure (until I freeze like a deer in the head lights... balance)

4.) If I am committed, I have purpose. And purpose is mandatory in my life. 

5.) I am a perfectionist, with a tendency towards obsessive-compulsiveness... 

What does that make me? Me. A chick who goes ninety to nothing and then finds the time to chill out for a beach day or a movie day. Yet, I always end up in the space where I have too much to do, I do not know where to begin. So I write to-do lists. 

Tonight, I couldn't even get that far, so I just had to blog :) Here is my list- studying for national boards, preparing research abstracts and fine-tuning one of my study protocols, editing an executive summary for my boss, two executive summaries actually, updating my linked in account and resume, bills, setting up my team beachbody account and finally doing it instead of talking about it, and getting in my nightly work out. Oh, and prioritizing my Thursday (even though tonight is Tuesday, I will need to cancel/rearrange some things tmrw) as I have triple-booked myself for Thursday... once again. So where is the balance? 

I know I have to work, or my bills will not be paid. Yet I have to study and conduct my research and go to class, or I will not graduate or pass boards. So maybe I do not have to take on so many commitments? Or maybe I just need to narrow down my purpose? God only knows. 

For tonight, I will be grateful for the ability to do so much, and act on this gratitude... short work out, then study. Thank you blogosphere, my motivation is back :)

Awakening...

After reading this blog, it seems jumbled, and all over the place... It was so hard to hit "publish post" but today, I choose transparency...

The last few days of my life have been mixed with so many emotions, and what else to do but write? Thursday night, I was able to go to Jacksonville and spend time with one of my favorite women (Polly). Then, I was blessed enough to come and spend this weekend on Hilton Head Island (in? on? okay, I will let that go), and this is absolutely one of my favorite places on earth. I didn't realize how much I needed this trip until I got here... that is usually how it is for me. I probably will have more realizations after I leave... as most everything in my life comes in hind sight. For now, I just have to write about what is... what is today...
Today, I am filled with gratitude. There are many things, but first I will express my gratitude for all the women in my life do for me. Hilton Head is an expensive island and when I got here, I had a couple open their house to me for me to stay... for free. Then, I had a woman (who does not even know me) give me her hotel room for my second night here... for free. Those are the surface gratitudes... which mean so much to me. I will get to the deeper stuff in a few...
Before I go on, let me say this: I am also sad. See, this week, I had to let go of someone... again. This person is like a staple in my life. My other half almost. I do believe friends can be soul mates, and family without the blood ties, and that is what this person has been in my life. Yet, there is toxicity. So I let go. I have done this multiple times over the last couple of years, and it never gets any easier. Yes, the same person. I apparently enjoy beating my head against a wall; or more accurately, suffocating myself and cutting my heart up in to little pieces- all at the same time. At least, that is what it feels like. This letting go process is definitely not for the weak. So here I am again, letting go, and had to do it kicking and screaming (and making an ass of myself as I exit stage right) One of the elders in my life said to me: "Carla, you are surrounded by so many that love you, and you can't even see them because you are so entangled in this mess." How true that is... It doesn't matter if it's a friend, family member, lover, whatever... I will allow myself to get so wrapped up in to one person that I can't even see all the other beautiful people and experiences in my life...
Which brings me to the gratitude of today. I have been able to connect on such a deeper level with friends, it blows me away. This whole weekend has been a reunion of sorts... two friends from Orlando are up, my whole Ladybug family is here, people who knew me through other people yet hadn't met me yet have come up and talked to me like we've been friends forever, etc...
The coolest part of this trip- I had a friend from Atlanta come up to Hilton Head and not tell me she was coming, even though she knew I was here. I was so touched that she thought about me enough to surprise me. She's one of those friends that we can talk like no time has passed at all. We have had this strange connection since we first met, like we've been forever friends and have no problem connecting at all. So this weekend, I have allowed myself to be fully present and connect. During this time, she has shared with me what has gone on in her journey the last year, the growth, the struggles, and it all came down to being fully present, being able to fully feel, everything, on a deeper level. I am not at that place where I can fully feel everything at such a level, but I am finally getting the presence. I am finally able to be involved in a conversation with a friend and not be thinking about someone else, or that I need to call or text someone back, or check on them, or whatever. I can direct my attention to whoever I am with at that moment, or whoever I am talking to at that moment.
I am not sure this will be me forever, but I am enjoying this. It is nice to finally see that once I let go of the unhealthy, so many truly healthy relationships appear in front of my eyes. They have been there all along of course, I am just healthy enough to see them today. I do hope that I can carry this healthiness in to the relationships I have had to let go of, but I know enough to know I do not know what tomorrow may hold. I just know today, I am grateful. I am still sad, I do not like having to go through headache and heartache to reach such points of growth. Yet that is how it seems to work in my life.

Habits...

They say it takes 30 days to make a habit, and 30 days to break a habit. I have spent the last 30 days breaking one and making another... the one I have broken is smoking. I will not say I am at the 30 day mark, because I have had some set backs. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
The habit I am making is one I have had all along, just added to it.. that is regular exercise and healthy eating. What have I added? The biggest addition, other than majorly increasing water intake, was that I added running. Now, for anyone who knows me, they are probably saying under their breaths "not again, you are not supposed to do that, your knees can't handle that" something to that effect. Well, I decided I can. I decided that as long as I am not further damaging my knees by doing such, and am remaining cognizant of my strides, I will run. Why? Because I am 27 years old, I love sports and being fit and healthy, and I did not stop smoking to walk when I can run. I have always had 5K, 10K, and half-marathons on my goal lists... so I am going to do it... bad knees or not. Besides, I have seen people with prosthetic legs do it, why can't I?? So that is a habit I have been working on, I am running about every other day lately and doing other exercises in between, with one full day off a week.
Where does my blog come in to play? It doesn't. I still have not made that a habit. I guess when I started blogging, I did not realize how much harder it would be to write on an open forum than just to write in my journal (which still requires a daily commitment I have yet to keep.) I get in these modes where I can write for days, and then I go weeks where I will not write a sentence. So who knows if that is one I will be keeping?
I know that between the habit I am breaking, and the habit I am creating, this has been one of the most challenging months of my life. And it had absolutely nothing to do with New Year's. I just decided I was tired of living on this fence of health and it was time to make a decision. I chose health. Good health. Definitely, a habit worth keeping...

My Top 11 Lessons from 2011

One of the reasons New Year's is my favorite times of year is because it gives me an opportunity to reflect on lessons I have learned in the past year, as well as gratitude for blessings the year has given me. I was going to write 10 lessons from 2011, but I am too anal for that :)

Lesson #1- No matter how far I travel, or how old I become, I will always need my mother. Whether it be for advice, to vent, cooking questions, or just to be here when I am ill, there is nothing like the bond between a mother and daughter. This year, we have grown closer than ever, and I am grateful.

Lesson #2- Never give up. Ever. (Unless you are giving up something that is harming yourself or another... more on that later). For this one, my biggest lesson has to come in the form of education and employment. Not giving up has led to paid tuition, health insurance, all A's this year in my graduate program, and who knows what it will lead to in the future? Many opportunities ahead for 2012 simply because I remained persistent and determined.

Lesson #3- You can let go without leaving claw marks. I learned this the hard way from leaving claw marks in times past. (I am not claiming perfection on this lesson, I just have scratched the surface- all pun intended). This year, I was given the opportunity to let go with love of a couple of friends. I did not have to fight or question it or try to fix it, I could just let go, and today we can talk without them being totally dependent on me. Now, in terms of full disclosure, I have not been able to do that with another, but that relationship is a lot deeper and has been in my life for a much longer period of time. Moving on...

Lesson #4- Always follow your heart. Not following my heart has led to a lot of questioning and anguish this year. More will be discussed on this next year, I am sure... But I am grateful for this realization as it is opening many doors for me in 2012.

Lesson #5- You can do everything in your power to be in control and still feel completely out of control... quote of the year... "my controlling natures are out of control." -Me

Lesson #6- Facebook and text messages are not an adequate substitute for real human interaction. Do you ever miss just talking on the phone for an hour with a friend, or going to coffee and really catching up? I do. It seems the world of social networking and text have robbed us of these interactions. More importantly, they have left too much room for miscommunication and losses in translation...

Lesson #7- Politicians are not gods. Therefore, any politician who judges anyone based on their sexual identity automatically loses my respect. This year has been filled with those... I will just let that one be that...

Lesson #8- No matter how much you give someone- whether it be money, gifts, attention, time, or general overall thoughtfulness- you can not make that person appreciate you. You must be confident enough in yourself to appreciate you. And if that isn't enough, just stop doing for them and they will realize what they had when you're gone :)

Lesson #9- The other thing that is "til death do you part" is life. -Me. That's it. Everything else- you have a choice to take a different path.

Lesson #10- When it seems everyone around you has changed, it may just be that you have changed. And this is okay.

Lesson #11- It is okay to be single for an entire year. It is actually the best decision one can make for themselves. I am beyond grateful I had the opportunity to spend the entire calendar year single :)

The ego driven relationships

We have all met that person who has a "human god" in their lives... You know, one who can do no wrong, be it a son or daughter, a spouse or partner, a mentor, anyone... They idolize them and worship the ground they walk on, believing in their heart of hearts that the target of their affection is beyond human, a god of sorts, and can literally do no wrong. I typically call this a raging co-dependent state of mind. It's annoying on its best days, downright destructive on its worst.
But what about when it's the other way around? What about the person who has someone in their life that always does wrong, or at least that's their perception. They can never see the positive, even if it's right in front of their eyes... Especially if it's right in front of their eyes. Maybe they are like this out of fear? Or because they do not believe they deserve positive energy? Or because they simply want to put someone down below them, even if this person is so very close to them- especially if they are close... This type of person can be equally as destructive to their target, if not more so... I do not yet have a name for it... Raging co-dependent doesn't fit... Maybe ego maniac with an inferiority complex...

I have compassion for both types of individuals living out both sides of an unhealthy existence. Why? Because I have been there. I have been the one idolizing another; I've been the one coddled through all of my wrongs; I've been the fault finder who can find no good; and I've been the one who is subject to the wrath of a negative nancy (or Ned.) I simply had not thought of it in this way until tonight. I did know that I had the potential to live on both sides of the fence. I recently attempted to change this with one person and these attempts were refused. This led me to ponder these types of personal relations with deeper insights... What I came up with can be explained by three simple letters... Ego
See, both sides remind me of ego. One is "I can save this person by simply thinking they are the best" or "This person deserves my everything and can do no wrong because I said so" or the other side of ego: "This person does not deserve to be praised for any good they do because in my eyes, they only do wrong, an my eyes are the only set of eyes that matter." whew that's some powerful ego there.
What if I could be different? What if we all could be different? We could all see one another and ourselves for exactly as we are... Fallable human beings capable of "good" and "bad" deserving of praise, yet worthy of honest friends and family who can *gently* point out our faults. That would be humility... Seeing ourselves and each other exactly as we are. Yet where would that leave room for individual perception? That will be another blog for another time. My thoughts until then... Am I being Spiritually guided or emotionally driven?
DBear

A letter worth reading...

I received the following in an email this morning. While I do not forward a lot of emails, this is one I wanted everybody to read! It's perfect. Recently, I posted the Rick Perry ad on my facebook page in disbelief of his comments about gays serving in the military and complaining that our kids couldn't pray in school. Me posting that (in support of all LGBT community, all military, etc) elicited some heated comments from a facebook friend who supports prayer in school. I typically do not discuss my religious beliefs or spirituality as that is personal to me. However, I do believe in freedom of religion and am not one to ever demand someone pray to Jesus or stop praying to Allah, pray in public or sport a cross. It's just not my style. I respect most all religions (the religion, not the zealot who persecutes others in the name of their religion.) So you will not see me demanding prayer in school or demanding Merry Christmas over Happy Holidays. Why? Because I know many great people who share different beliefs. Some of which have saved my life. So please read below, regardless of what you believe. Share, comment, reflect, or just forget it... But read it all first :) Open-mindedness is a beautiful thing.

P.S. Posting from iPhone so please excuse any grammatical errors

"It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for a Nativity scene on the town square because there would be so many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a Holiday Tree instead of a Christmas Tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish. I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, then look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you are all in a twit because you can't pray in town hall, what's wrong with your closet? I'm pretty high on that one. No one is stopping you from praying. Try it when you get home. Who knows - you might like it. Remember - there is not a soul in the world who can prevent you from praying, unless of course you have a need to exhibit yourself in public.


If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need anyway, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas " that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary--  especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian and get away from all this redneckreligion where you feel that people are suppose to curtsy to you because you feel you have “a corner” on Christmas. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do
what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Checkout the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love.

I LOVE YOU,

JESUS"

Why cry when you can Fly

I can hardly believe it's been two weeks since writing... or should I say "only" two weeks... as so much life has occurred since my last post. I had to take a moment, many moments, to reflect.... as that is what I do. And with reflection comes gratitude. Always.
See, I have been taught to remain grateful. I used to write lists every night of things I was grateful for, today my gratitude usually comes in the form of lessons learned through whatever experiences I encounter... most of which are opportunities of growth. At times, the gratitude comes instantly. Other times, it is a matter of hindsight.
I think the one thing I keep in the forefront of my mind is that no matter what, things do improve. Regardless of how today is, tomorrow will be different. Better or worse, it will always be different. I've had a lot of those thoughts in recent weeks.
A couple of weeks ago, I was torn down by a verbal assault... literally, it was like I was on the firing line with no bullet proof vest. Not long after, I abruptly excused myself from my position at work and transferred in to another job. A few days later, finals would begin. And the night before my first (most difficult) final, my father called me letting me know my paternal grandmother (Nanny) was going home as the facility she was in could no longer help her, and Hospice was being called. Shortly thereafter, sometime during finals week, I began having a flare up of my GI issues (a ball of non-stop fiery pain is the only way to describe it), and was also an insomniac all week. Then after finals, I was able to leave Tampa to come home early, only to break down on I-75 and be stranded in Gainesville... which ended up ruining my surprise for my mother by the way, as I planned to arrive to Tallahassee in time to hear her concert at church. YET, I am so calm. (Full disclosure: last Monday, I was nearly psychotic over finals, but one break down in the midst of life's storms is okay, as long as I have a lot of support around me to ward off the hail... which I do.)
So how does one stay relatively calm? Gratitude. For me, this gratitude comes from the Spirit, but also from an army of friends and family, and a good "upbringing" on the power of reflection and clarity. I am so blessed to be able to do this... to take time and discuss with another or go inward and reflect. It truly is a priceless treasure.
What has this reflection given me? The knowledge that I do have coping skills and support around me (I was told I had none of those during that verbal assault I mentioned); the awareness of how truly blessed I am in my new position at work... I have such an appreciative boss, the freedom of working from home or while traveling, much less stress, and no drama. All of these make me grateful. I am also reminded of how blessed I am to be in graduate school, and have the brain God gave me to take my finals and ace my classes. And that I will be completely finished with my master's degree in August... for a girl who just wanted to finish my AA degree, this is truly a miracle. I am reminded that all my Nanny ever wanted was for me to succeed and find something more out of life than dead end jobs. Also, her going home has sparked some joy in her, and she is doing better than expected... gratitude in hindsight. The breaking down on the side of I-75 gave me the immediate gratitude... I was immediately aware of how blessed I am that I had a coat to keep me warm while standing outside for an hour to wait on a tow, that I was able to pull far enough off the interstate where semis would not hit me, that I did not have my cat with me (she would not have appreciated the 5 hour detour), it was not dark or raining, the break down did not happen during finals week, and I have an awesome step-dad that went to Gainesville to pick me up.... and has let me use his vehicle on top of it all! Now, I have not yet reached the "grateful to be facing $2000 in repairs" but it's progress, not perfection.
So there we have it. The miracle of gratitude. A lot of things that would make grown men cry or push the grad students to the bottles all cured with an amazing outline for living, a lot of support, and a heart filled with gratitude.
Yes, I know it's December, and last month was gratitude month, but I hope you were able to find some glimpse of this within from reading today. Most of all, I hope you Fly...
DBear

Monomania... Monday

Mondays.
Never my favorite day of the week, especially after such a long weekend. Although a weekend is really never a weekend in the eye of a student's mind, it was still nice. Only to be trampled on by Monday.
Why is it called that anyway? Monster of a day? Monumental disaster? I'm sure you get the point. Yes, I know, everyone detests Mondays. I usually do not mind them terribly. It's just today was a very bad, terrible, no good day... or however that childhood classic goes.
Speaking of childhood, that is how I feel about my Monday. Without going in to great detail, it was very much a mixture of elementary school and high school. Elementary school because I was talked to in such a condescending, belittling way, I was reduced to five year old status... and high school because of a complete mean girl squad.
As if I didn't have enough to worry about today between work tasks, school tasks, voice mails, phone calls, IRB applications, and work.. did I mention work, and working through an awful lot of physical pain at that? But no, that wasn't enough for this day, I also had to deal with a horrendous an inhumane "you suck" session.
I honestly believe there are some people who simply enjoy berating others to make themselves feel better. Fortunately, I have not been subject to many of these people recently. Until today. I guess the upside is it did not make for a Monotonous Monday. But it did make for a Mean, Malicious, Misery laden Monday.

The good news.... tomorrow will be Terrific Tuesday.

This way or that way? Fly, Butterfly, FLY....

While yesterday was thanksgiving, this is not the aim of today's post. (Although I am grateful, every day). Today's post is simply allowing my thoughts and words flow, no holding back.
I am at this point in my life where there are so many roads I can take. Graduation approaching, internships being tossed around in my mind, opportunities to present research, publish articles, many possibilities arising at once. Odd, this whole year, I thought all of my work was for nothing. I was just an average graduate student working tirelessly to reach some obscure goal... graduate? job? PhD? publication? independent research? All of the above, I guess. Yet, everything has been somewhat slow to come to fruition.... (Disclaimer: my idea of time is likely not your idea of time, considering I want what I want and I want it yesterday.) Although I am putting future degrees on hold until I figure out where it is I want to be, and what it is I would like to be doing, I am gearing up to graduate with my MPH. With that comes where do I work? Where will I move? Should I stay in research until my next degree? If I do that, won't it interfere with NIH loan repayment? But I'd like more research experience and practical experience, can I combine the two? Arghhhhh.
Yes, that is what my mind has been like for the last three weeks. Granted, I do not graduate until August, but I must be in a field placement of my choosing soon. I also would like to have more of my "own" research under my belt before leaving. So I chip away. I take the left foot, right foot, what's in front of me to do. I thoroughly enjoy (most of) the projects I have as current jobs and all of my volunteer positions. Yet, for me it's always more, more, more. I want more. To do more. To see more. To BE more. Isn't that the basic desire? Isn't that what it tends to boil down to for most of us, especially those of us in the world of academics? Yet, when opportunities present themselves, I get scared. Sure, I said I wanted all of these things, but I didn't expect THIS, or I'm not good enough for THAT.... the life and times of self-defeating thoughts....
Today, I am letting those thoughts go and just maximizing on the opportunities given. Writing the best I can write, contributing as much to my fields as I can, thinking outside of the box, and just saying yes when once in a lifetime opportunities come my way. Because my brain may tell me all these things about me not being good enough, but my soul says go for it. My Spirit says you are good enough... when I am quiet enough to hear this, quiet enough to be still and know.... Honestly, all I really know at this moment is my God/HP/Spirit, did not bring me this far to drop me now. And that is good by me.

Searching the soul, becoming whole

A lot of people asked me what exactly I was doing before leaving Tampa to come to Ladybug... what retreats entail, questions of that sort.... Is it religious? A church group? What exactly is it?! Well, it's none of those things.... for me. For me, this is a time to reflect... a time to get away from all of the outside noise (as best I can) so I can examine those parts of me that are standing in the way of my Light. Those parts of me that serve as a buffer of the happiness I deserve... we all deserve. Those parts of me that cannot stay secret, that cannot recover if no light is shed upon them. That is what this weekend is about for me. There is so much more of course... great friendships, my family of sorts, loving, non-judgmental, present in one another's lives...
Throughout the course of the weekend, I examined, reflected, shared, cried many tears, laughed many laughs, a full weekend of soul surgery with the soul sisters. I had the pleasure of sitting down with one of my She-roes last night [Polly :)] and letting her know the truth I have been avoiding (After all, if I wish it away, won't it go away? yeah... right) Is it hard? Parts are. The being completely honest about these parts of me I do not wish to discuss. The parts of letting go of unhealthy relationships... that is the hardest. Because I like to walk right back into destruction. It is the norm for me. It is what I have been used to for years.
So today, I can set a new norm. I can focus on the constructive rather than the destructive. I can step away and reflect, phone a friend when I want to go back to the destruction, I can start to grow accustomed to healthy relationship. I have done this in many areas of my life. I have become accustomed to spending time alone, avoiding drama, eating daily, prioritizing my time and responsibilities.... so this is not new after all. I just have to start a new behavior, which is leaving the old behavior in the past. After all, isn't that what it's all about? Just like cleaning my house... out with the old, in with the new... and for those parts of me that are considered to be an asset, those can remain. I simply have to ask, "how's it working for me?" Keep what works, disregard the rest. And that, my friends, is what this weekend has been about for me. God, I love this way of life.
Live, Laugh, Love, FLY

Laugher.... good for the soul

I am finally at Ladybug, my annual retreat I had to miss last year due to health conditions.. This year, I am grateful to be fully present and ready to go. I came early to spend some time with a special woman, my #1 Ladybug, Viv. Can I just say I have not laughed this hard in some time.... I cannot even remember when....I have not seen Viv in two years and we just hit it off like we were never apart. I didn't even know how much I needed this time... the non-stop laughter, hugs, and lots of love. It is true what they say about distance among friends... we can go long spans of time without seeing one another and they pick up right where they left off. For me, that's partly what these annual retreats are about. I am sure there will be new faces, and some of the regulars may not be here this year; but those of us who are here will be so excited to see each other, it will be just like no time has passed since the last encounter.
We are also on new grounds this year since my last retreat. We were always housed in Rincon and have since moved to St. Simon's. I came with the intention of missing the last place... we had a lot of good times there... but I am so in love with this place, it's an instant feeling of belonging. Besides, it doesn't really matter where our physical location is for this special weekend..being together in spirit is all that matters.
I don't have much time to write, I am sure I will be raving about this weekend all week long... for now, I will go get ready to welcome 92 ladybugs with a big smile and a big hug.
Happy 11/11/11 and most of all, Happy Veteran's Day... to the Vets and those who love our Vets :)

I am but one...

Life lessons... so difficult to learn the hard way, yet so important to learn at all. But are we really learning if we repeatedly put ourselves in the same position to learn the same lesson over and over again? Maybe. Maybe I am learning by being repeatedly beat over the head by the same lesson... learning little by little until I do not have to repeat the same mistake... Currently, this week's lesson is I cannot, and will not, be everything to everyone. More importantly, I will not allow myself to be any one person's "everything." That type of dependence can only backfire, and result in a blaze of fiery eruption. This has been my last 72 hours. 72 grueling hours of a lot of work, a lot of life, a lot of stress, a lot of tasks to complete, LIFE... with the added pressures of this lesson beating me over the head every step of the way. Not just in the form of the friendship that woke me up today, but in the form of the over-commitment, the expecting more of myself than I am capable of doing, than any human is capable of doing, the inability to set my limits before things get to that point.... you know that point where all you can do is stand outside and scream. Yes, I reached that point today. I reached that point because I did not set my limits earlier on an issue that I needed to speak up about. The lesson went further...
See, even after that point, I had more of a beating in the form of a written attack from one who made me their everything, their complete and utter dependence, and I had no clue I was in that position to begin with... I had no clue every move I made was being timestamped in their brain to bring up on this day... this, my most stressful day. I had no clue that someone considered me their close friend that did not meet their needs because quite frankly, I am trying to hold my head above water and meet my own basic needs... sleep, food, shelter, clothing, the close relationships I am able to put energy into to maintain. Which seem very few at this point. I can count on my hand (ok, maybe two hands) the number of people I am able to make "URGENT! PRIORITY!" at this moment. We haven't even spoken since the semester began. Unbeknownst to me, this person did not get the memo that I am barely hanging on. That I was moving on from this friend because I didn't have the strength or energy the friendship demanded. Another lesson, not making myself clear.
Since I did not get the memo that one individual was supposed to be on my "URGENT! PRIORITY!" list, I became target of assault. Does it hurt? Sure. What also stings a bit is the fact that I was too blind to even see I was needed, or being depended on. Makes me wonder... am I so busy going through life that I am not present in what is going on around me? Outside of work, school, family, close friends, do I not see the rest? Or does this one person think the world revolves around them so much that they feel it is simply okay to disregard what the rest of us have going on so they can speak their piece. No matter the cost of other's feelings.
Either way, lesson learned, I am one person. I do a damn good job at what I can. I do not waste my time on what I can't. Because I am worth giving myself a little bit of a time. Time to breathe, Time to take a big trip when I can, Time to stock my house with necessities at the beginning of every semester because I'm a planner and I know I will not have a moment to do it when things get crazy, Time to spend a day without answering emails, phone calls, texts, Time for Me. Is that not okay? Or does that have to go to everyone around me? No. It does not. There are others. I am nobody's God. That is my lesson. I do not have to over-commit, and if I commit to help someone, that is not til death do I part. I will do what I can whenever I can for anyone. As a matter of fact, my true friends will say, I will do everything I can to help them. When I can. And when they know I can't, they will not ask.
So those are my thoughts. God, I've missed this blog. Second post in over a month... no bueno. I will do better. Until then, friends, love to all, light to all, FLY

Insomniac's Idiosyncrasies

Wow, I do not even want to look at my last posting date... Ok, I did.. Over a month. That wasn't what I had in mind when starting this deal. Then again, a lot of my life lately isn't exactly what I had in mind. Yet it's always eventful, never dull, so I can't complain. Unless of course it is about injury... then I can and will complain, just a little random fact about myself. As accident prone as I am, and as many bruises, broken bones, sprains, dislocations, hyperextensions, and surgeries I have endured, a few things will always remain: my relentless pursuit of happiness via physical exertion followed my shock when I encounter these set-backs coupled with my excessive "woe is me" about such setbacks. Such is life.
That only sums up the last 10 days of my existence. The rest can be attributed to an increase in my course load (12 hours grad level courses rather than 9), an increase in my work-load (3 part time positions instead of 2), and that about sums up the other 20+ days. As if I need an excuse right, it's called free time for a reason. Yet I don't have much of it going around these days. I think that setting my blog up by a daily theme set me up to slack as well... Even if I was the one that set the guidelines, I am not particularly fond of any type of guidelines. Structure, yes. Rules, no. So I will change it up and just write. I have come to realize it is the things that make me feel better that I continuously slack on... the writing daily, eating more than once a day, swimming, talking to certain friends, etc...
Knowing this doesn't change it though, doing it does. So I am starting back now. At 1:24am...
As far as the rest of this month, it really has been a lot of school, and one trip home (where I busted on rollerblades... very sad indeed). My nanny was put in the hospital the day after I got home from the last trip (see last blog), so I waited all month for a break in the schedule to go visit. I never got a real break in my schedule, but made the time to get up there. It was nice to spend time with her but the day after I got there is when I fell so the remainder of my trip was spent off of my feet. I feel it was wasted time and energy and gas money, but it was nice to at least visit with her for a couple of times, and I did get to spend 6 days with Gma which is always awesome. I was also able to work from bed and had ample time to blog... yet I didn't. If I blogged then, there would be much more kvetching than there is now.
I finally made it home to Tampa, and it's been mostly non-stop with a little bit of social time among friends, phone conversations with friends I don't see often, and a little bit of me time... yes, even if it's in the middle of the night. I've had a lot on my mind with school and decisions... future... that "f word." Trying to navigate the PhD application process (to be started yesterday o_O), decide what I really want or where I really want to be. This time last year, I was so home sick, I wanted to go back... now, I am ready to move across country. I would miss my family, but I am just ready to try some new scenery. Yet, it will likely be in my best interests academically and professionally to remain here. Time will tell. Not a lot of time to make decisions though, and this adds a lot of stress... which is why I am awake, barely, blogging in the middle of the night. Exhausted, surprised if any of this is coherent, yet sometimes you just have to write.
I do have to say this...  if I ever hear anyone comment "you're just a student" to a graduate student again, especially one in an MPH program, I will have to break it down for them. May as well start now... think of what a full-time, 40 hour a week job is like... Even 50 hours a week... take that and double it. You have the life of a full time, 2nd year graduate student + three appointments (research positions) + individual research + extracurricular service activities. By all accounts, I am working about 12-16 hours a day. Yet, I am only paid for 32 hours of work. (Ok, plus tuition and insurance) So those are just my thoughts on that... had to get that out because I was reminded of the time I was called "just a student" and I was completely baffled by some peoples ignorance to the demands of higher ed.
To end the night on a more positive note... I am going to sleep now :) That's very positive for anyone who has to be around me tomorrow. Goodnight and Happy Halloween from China Doll Queen (I was a Geisha, but since my China is my queen, I renamed my outfit) Night